English Speech Natalie Portman Im Still Insecure

hello class of 2015 I am so honored to

be here today

Dean Khurana faculty parents and most

especially graduating students thank you

so much for inviting me the senior class

committee it’s genuinely one of the most

exciting things I’ve ever been asked to

do I have to admit primarily because I

can’t deny it as it was leaked in the

WikiLeaks release of the Sony hack that

when I was invited I replied and I

directly quote my own email wow this is

so nice

I’m gonna need some funny ghost writers

any ideas

this initial response now blessedly

public was from the knowledge that at my

class day we were lucky enough to have

Will Ferrell as class day speaker and

that many of us hungover or even freshly

hi mainly wanted to laugh so I have to

admit that today even 12 years after

graduation I’m still insecure about my

unworthiness

I have to remind myself today you are

here for a reason today I feel much like

I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a

freshman in 1999 when you guys were two

my continued shock and horror still in

kindergarten I felt like there had been

some mistake that I wasn’t smart enough

to be in this company and that every

time I opened my mouth I would have to

prove I wasn’t just a dumb actress

should I start with an apology this

won’t be very funny I’m not a comedian

and I didn’t get a ghostwriter but I am

here to tell you today Harvard is giving

you all diplomas tomorrow you are here

for a reason sometimes your insecurities

and your inexperience

may lead you to to embrace other

people’s expectations standards or

values but you can harness that

inexperience to carve out your own path

one that is free of the burden of

knowing how things are supposed to be a

path that is defined by its own

particular set of reasons the other day

I went to an amusement park with my

soon-to-be

four-year-old son and I watched him play

arcade games he was incredibly focused

throwing his ball at the target Jewish

mother that I am i skipped 20 steps and

was already imagining him as a major

league player with what is his aim and

his arm and his concentration but then I

realized that when he won he was playing

to trade in his tickets for the crappy

plastic toys the prize was much more

exciting than the game to get it I of

course wanted to urge him to take joy

and the challenge of the game the

improvement upon practice the

satisfaction of doing something well and

even feeling the accomplishment when

achieving the game’s goals but all of

these aspects were shaded by the little

10 cent plastic men with sticky stretchy

blue arms that adhere to the walls that

that was the prize in a child’s nature

we see many of our own innate tendencies

I saw myself in him and perhaps you do

too Prizes serve as false idols

everywhere prestige wealth fame power

you will be exposed to many of these if

not all of course part of why I was

invited to come speak today beyond my

being a proud alum is that I’ve accrued

some very coveted toys in my life

including a not so plastic not so crappy

one an Oscar

so we bump up against a common trope I

think of the commencement address people

who have achieved a lot telling you that

the fruits of achievement are not always

to be trusted

but I think that contradiction can be

reconciled and is in fact instructive

achievement is wonderful when you know

why you’re doing it and when you don’t

know it can be a terrible trap I went to

a public high school on Long Island

Syosset high school whoo-hoo acid the

girls I went to school with had Prada

bags and flat ironed hair and they spoke

with an axe and I who would move there

at age nine from Connecticut mimic to

fit in Florida oranges chocolate

cherries since I’m ancient and the

internet was just starting when I was in

high school people didn’t really pay

that much attention to the fact that I

was an actress I was known mainly

at school for having a backpack bigger

than I was and always having whiteout on

my hands as I hated seeing anything

crossed out in my notebooks I was voted

for my senior yearbook most likely to be

a contestant on Jeopardy or code for

nerdiest when I got to Harvard just

after the release of Star Wars Episode

one I knew I would be starting over in

terms of how people viewed me

I feared people would assume I had

gotten in just for being famous and that

they would think I was not worthy of the

intellectual rigor here and they would

not have been far from the truth

when I came here I had never written a

10 page paper before I’m not even sure

I’d written a five page paper I was

alarmed and intimidated by the calm eyes

of fellow students who came here from

Dalton or Exeter who thought that

compared to high school the workload

here was easy I was completely

overwhelmed and thought that reading a

thousand pages a week was unimaginable

that writing a 50 page thesis was just

something I could never do

I had no ideas how to declare I had no

idea how to declare my intentions I

couldn’t even articulate them to myself

I’d been acting since I was 11 but I

thought acting was too frivolous and

certainly not meaningful I came from a

family of academics and was very

concerned with being taken seriously in

contrast to my inability to declare

myself on my first day of orientation

freshman year five separate students

introduce themselves to me by saying I’m

going to be President remember I told

you that

their names for the record were Bernie

Sanders Marco Rubio Ted Cruz Barack

Obama and Hillary Clinton in all

seriousness I believed every one of them

their bearing and self confidence alone

seemed proof of their prophecy where I

couldn’t shake my self-doubt I got in

only because I was famous this was how

others saw me it was how I saw myself

driven by these insecurities I decided

that I was going to find something to do

at Harvard that was serious and

meaningful that would change the world

and make it a better place at the age of

18 I had already been acting for seven

years and assumed I’d find a more

serious and profound path in college so

freshman fall I decided to take

neurobiology and advanced modern Hebrew

literature because I was serious and

intellectual needless to say I should

have failed both I got B’s for your

information and to this day every Sunday

I burn a small effigy to the pagan gods

of Great Inflation but as I was fighting

my way through a life by yahushua in

hebrew and the different mechanisms of

neural response i saw friends around me

writing papers on sailing and pop

culture magazines and professors

teaching classes on fairy tales and the

matrix I realized that seriousness for

serious is seriousness is sake was its

own kind of trophy and a dubious one

opposed I sought to counter some half

imagined argument about who I was there

was a reason I was an actor I love what

I do and I saw from my peers and my

mentors that that was not only an

acceptable reason it was the best reason

when I got to my graduation sitting

where you sit today after four years of

trying to get excited about something

else I admitted to myself that I

couldn’t wait to go back and make more

films I wanted to tell stories to

imagine the lives of others and help

others do the same I had found or

perhaps reclaimed my reason you have a

prize now or at least you will tomorrow

the prize is a Harvard degree in your

hand but what is your reason behind it

my Harvard degree represents for me the

curiosity and invention that were

encouraged here the

friendships I’ve sustained the way

professor Graham told me not to describe

the way light hit a flower but rather

the shadow that the flower cast the way

professor scary talked about theater as

a transformative religious force how

professor Coughlin showed how much of

our visual cortex is activated just by

imagining now granted these things don’t

necessarily help me answer the most

common questions I’m asked what designer

are you wearing what’s your fitness

regime any makeup tips but I have never

since been embarrassed to myself ask

what I might previously have thought was

a stupid question my Harvard degree and

other awards are emblems of the

experiences which led me to them the

wood-paneled lecture halls the colorful

fall leaves the hot vanilla Toscanini

‘he’s reading great novels and

overstuffed library chairs running

through dining halls screaming whoo aah

City stuff City stuff city steps City

step it’s easy now to romanticize my

time here but I had some very difficult

times here too some combination of being

19 dealing with my first heartbreak

taking birth control pills that have

since been taken off the market for

their depressive side effects and

spending too much time missing daylight

during winter months led me into some

pretty dark moments particularly during

sophomore year there were several

occasions I started crying and meetings

with professors overwhelmed with what I

was supposed to pull off when I could

barely get myself out of bed in the

morning moments when I took on the motto

for my school work done not good

if only I could finish my work even if

it took eating a jumbo pack of Sour

Patch Kids to get me through a single 10

page paper I felt that I had

accomplished a great feat I’d repeat to

myself done not good a couple of years

ago I went to Tokyo with my husband and

I ate at the most remarkable sushi

restaurant I don’t even eat fish I’m

vegan so that tells you how good it was

even with just vegetables this sushi was

the stuff you dream about the restaurant

had six seats my husband and I marveled

at how anyone could make rice so

superior to all other rice we wondered

why they didn’t make

restaurant and be the most popular place

in town our local friends explain to us

that all the best restaurants in Tokyo

are that small and do only one type of

dish sushi or tempura or teriyaki

because they want to do that thing well

and beautifully and it’s not about

quantity it’s about taking pleasure in

the perfection and beauty of the

particular I’m still learning now that

it’s about good and maybe never done

that the joy and work ethic and

virtuosity we bring to the particular

can impart a singular type of enjoyment

to those we give to and of course to

ourselves and my professional life it

also took me time to find my own reasons

for doing my work the first film I was

in came out in 1994 again appallingly

the year most of you were born I was 13

years old upon the film’s release and I

can still quote what the New York Times

said about me verbatim miss Portman

poses better than she acts the film had

a universally tepid critical response

and went on to bomb commercially that

film was called the professional or Lian

in Europe and today 20 years and 35

films later it is still the film people

approached me about the most to tell me

how much they loved it how much it moved

them how it’s their favorite movie I

feel lucky that my first experience

releasing a film was initially such a

disaster by all standard measures I

learned early that my meaning had to be

from the experience of making the film

and the possibility of connecting with

individuals rather than the foremost

trophies in my industry financial and

critical success and also that those

initial reactions could be false

predictors of your works ultimate legacy

I started choosing only jobs I was

passionate about and from which I knew I

could glean meaningful experiences this

thoroughly confused everyone around me

agents producers and audiences alike

I made Goya’s ghost a foreign

independent film and studied art history

visiting the Prado every day for four

months as I read about Goya and the

Spanish Inquisition

I made V for Vendetta studio action

movie for which I learned everything I

could about freedom fighters who and

other eyes might be called terrorists

from an often vague into the Weather

Underground

I made your highness a pothead comedy

with Danny McBride and laughed for three

months straight I was able to own my

meaning and not have it be determined by

box-office receipts or prestige by the

time I got to making Black Swan the

experience was entirely my own I felt

immune to the worst things anyone could

say or write about me and to whether an

audience felt like going to see my movie

or not it was instructive for me to see

that ballet dancers for ballet dancers

once your technique gets to a certain

level the only thing that separates you

from others is your quirks or even flaws

one ballerina was famous for how she

turned slightly off balance you can

never be the best technically someone

will always have a higher jump or more

beautiful line the only thing you can be

the best at is developing your own self

authoring your own experience was very

much what Black Swan itself was about I

worked with Darren Aronofsky the film’s

director to change my last line in the

movie - it was perfect

because my character Nina is only

artistically successful when she finds

perfection and pleasure for herself not

when she’s trying to be perfect in the

eyes of others so when Black Swan was

successful financially and I began

receiving accolades I felt honored and

grateful to have connected with people

but the true core of my meaning I had

already established and I needed it to

be independent of people’s reactions to

me people told me that Black Swan was an

artistic risk a scary challenge to try

to perforate portray a professional

ballet dancer but it didn’t feel like

courage or daring they drew me to it

I was so oblivious to my own limits that

I did things I was woefully unprepared

to do and so the very inexperience that

in college had made me feel insecure and

made me want to play by other’s rules

now was making me actually take risks I

didn’t even realize were risks when

Darren asked me if I could do ballet I

told him that I was basically a

ballerina which by the way I

wholeheartedly believed when it quickly

became clear and preparing for the film

that I was maybe 15 years away from

being a ballerina it made me work a

million times harder and of course the

magic of cinema and body doubles helped

the final effect but the point is if I

had known my own limitations I never

would have taken the risk and the risk

led to one of my greatest artistic and

personal experiences and that I not only

felt completely free I also met my

husband during filming similarly I just

directed my first film a tale of love

and darkness and was quite blind to the

challenges ahead of me

the film is a period film completely in

Hebrew in which I also act with an

eight-year-old child as a co-star all of

these are challenges as should have been

terrified of as I was completely

unprepared for them but my complete

ignorance as to my own limitations

looked like confidence and got me into

the director’s chair once there I had to

figure it all out and my belief that I

could handle these things contrary to

all evidence of my ability to do so was

half the battle the other half was very

hard work the experience was the deepest

and most meaningful one of my career now

clearly I’m not urging you to go perform

heart surgery without the knowledge to

do so making movies admittedly has less

drastic consequences than most

professions and allows for a lot of

effects that make up for mistakes the

thing I’m saying is make use of the fact

that you don’t doubt yourself too much

right now as we get older we get more

realistic and that gets and then that

includes about our own abilities or lack

thereof and that realism does us no

favors people always talk about diving

into things you’re afraid of that never

worked for me if I’m afraid I run away

and I would probably urge my child to do

the same fear protects us in many ways

what has served me as diving into my own

obliviousness being more confident than

I should be which everyone tends to

decry and American kids and those of us

who have been great inflated and ego

inflated well it can be a good thing if

it makes you try things you never might

have tried your inexperience is an asset

and will allow you to think in original

unconventional ways except your lack of

knowledge and use it as your asset I

know a famous violinist who told me that

he can’t compose because he knows too

many pieces so when he starts thinking

of a note an existing piece immediately

comes to mind

just starting out one of your biggest

strengths is not knowing how things are

supposed to be you can compose freely

because your mind isn’t cluttered with

too many pieces and you don’t take for

granted the way things are the only way

you know how to do things is your own

way you hear we’ll all go on to achieve

great things there is no doubt about

that

each time you set out to do something

new your inexperience can either lead

you down a path where you will conform

to someone else’s values or you can

forge your own path even if you don’t

realize that’s what you’re doing if your

reasons are your own your path even if

it’s a strange and clumsy path will be

wholly yours and you will control the

rewards of what you do by making your

internal life fulfilling at the risk of

sounding like a Miss America

contestant the most fulfilling things

I’ve experienced have truly been the

human interactions spending time with

women and village banks in Mexico with

finca microfinance organization meeting

young women who were the first and only

in their communities to attend secondary

school in rural Kenya with free the

children a group that build sustainable

schools in developing countries trekking

with gorillas conservationists in Rwanda

it’s a cliche because it’s true that

helping others ends up helping you more

than anyone getting out of your own

concerns and caring about someone else’s

life for a while reminds you that you

are not the center of the universe and

that in the ways we are generous or not

we can change the course of someone’s

life even at work the small feats of

kindness crew members directors fellow

actors have shown me have had the most

lasting impact and of course first and

foremost the center of my world is the

love I share with my family and friends

I wish for you that your friends will be

with you through it all as my friends

from Harvard have been together since we

graduated my friends from school are

still very close

we have nursed each other through

heartaches and danced at each other’s

weddings we’ve held each other at

funerals and rocked each other’s new

babies we’ve worked together on projects

helped each other get jobs and thrown

parties for when we’ve quit bad ones and

now our children are creating a second

general

of friendship as we look at them

toddling together haggard and disheveled

working parents that we are grab the

good people around you don’t let them go

the biggest asset this school offers you

is a group of peers that will be both

your family and your school for life I

remember always being pissed at the

spring here in Cambridge tricking us

into remembering a sunny yard full of

laughing threes frisbee throwers after

eight months of dark frigid library

dwelling it was Lake the school had

managed to turn on the good weather is

the last memory we should keep in mind

that would make us want to come back but

as I get farther away from my years here

I know that the power of this school is

much deeper than weather control it

changed the very questions I was asking

to quote one of my favorite thinkers

Abraham Joshua Heschel to be or not to

be is not the question the vital

question is how to be and how not to be

thank you I can’t wait to see how you do

all the beautiful things you will do

[Applause]