REAL English essay corrections Improve your English writing skills

in today’s lesson we are going to go

over two essays I’m teacher Tiffany

let’s jump right in

all right our first essay comes from one

of my students in South Korea she wrote

this essay let’s get started

I have a lot of thoughts about my life

these days very good as I get older I

feel that decision-making is so

difficult more than before

now with this part we need to correct

this one it should be so much more

difficult than it was before okay

remember that pattern it needs to be so

much more difficult than it was before

let’s continue I think it is because

time is more important than the days in

20s now for this one the correction is

then it was when I was in my 20s

now this period of 20s refers to the age

of 20 all the way through to the age of

29 that period is called someone’s 20s

okay let’s keep going when I was in 20s

I was very enthusiastic well the first

thing is we want to make sure to

capitalize the W because it’s the

beginning of a sentence and we see now I

was in 20s so how should we correct this

one excellent job it should be I was in

my 20s very good now remember guys this

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other students okay all right let’s keep

going whenever I planned I just did it

to reach the goal the decision-making

process was quite simple very good I

didn’t care about marriage life now

you’ll notice I’ve already corrected the

spelling it should be ma AR RI AG e okay

let’s keep going my parents were still

in their 50s all right

now for this one I corrected it this way

because my parents worse

still in their 50s and the reason I did

this is because the first part of the

sentence says I didn’t care about

marriage life well what is the reason

for that well because her parents were

in their 50s and again you’re seeing

something that’s similar

she said her 20s and now she’s speaking

of her parents who were in their 50s

okay let’s keep going now I think I care

about too many things and I know that

unnecessary worries just make my life

difficult I want to put all my worries

in God’s hand how can i perfectly remove

all these complicated thoughts I need to

make my life busy again okay that last

portion right there was very good

now something I really want to emphasize

is the alternatives okay so we spoke

about the 20s but you can also say 30s

40s 50s 60s or 70s or 80s and 90s but

I’ve given you guys some extra examples

okay so for your 30s you can say I lived

in Korea in my 30s which is true for me

40s people in their 40s like to travel

or for your 50s my teachers in her 50s

60s her parents are in their 60s or 70s

I think he is in his 70s now for married

to life I just wanted to give you guys

some other examples that use life as a

part of their expression so college life

school life or university life so for

example university life is supposed to

be fun okay all right now moving on to

the next part of her essay I need to

make my life busy again it was a happy

busy day yesterday I started to attend a

new computer Academy they teach me the

things that I wanted to learn which

she’s speaking of those things she

wanted to learn before she started the

class after I finished this class I can

make responsive mobile websites now for

this one I had to change it because

she’s speaking of the future so after

she finishes this class she will be able

to make responsive mobile websites okay

all right let’s keep going I thought

that I am not good at computer

programming languages now she’s speaking

of the past so I was so I thought that I

was not good at computer programming

languages however except for the

complicated mathematics calculation now

this part should be mathematic

calculations i M should be I am able to

understand other parts well it just

takes times it should be time it just

takes time to think logically I will

take one thing at a time very good

expression it means to take things step

by step let us take what should it be

very good time to breathe in and out I

easily forget that life is everlasting I

won’t be hurry should be I won’t be in a

hurry

while living in the world everything I

do in the world is connected to the

heaven now for this one thus should be

taken out okay all right so great job

for this student there were some

Corrections but in general the ideas

were good now let’s look at the pattern

or formula that she used for her essay

you see the topic was thoughts about

life and we can break down her ass into

three parts first she told her current

feelings okay so she told the reason why

she has them compared them to her past

feelings gave some details about her

past and then mentioned her future plan

of action then second she talked about

her current situation she gave her

feelings about it gave her a future plan

of action and then finally she ended

with advice so the pattern or formulas

she used for si was good okay all right

moving on to our next student who is

also from South Korea her essay starts

off very good as well she says I am

looking for a job and she’s very excited

I’ve been attending to

yeutter Academy while I am looking for a

job so it should be while looking for a

job we don’t need the I am alright I try

to choose candidate companies carefully

before I apply now we use a term

candidate for someone who’s applying for

the job but the company would be a

potential company okay let’s continue

because I want to find a job that I can

work after I get married so it should be

that I can work act after I now you see

the red line is going over the after I

but that was just a typo or an error so

it should be only crossing out the work

work at after I get married now marriage

should be spelled ma RR ie D let’s

continue I want the company provides

proper benefits and care about workers

lives as well so let’s go back it should

be I want to find the company which

provides proper benefits and cares about

workers lives as well okay you see how

that is it seems so difficult to find

the one in Korea it should be that type

of job in Korea

okay that type of job that type of

company both are okay but I believe that

unless I give up finding it should be

but I believe that as long as I don’t

give up I will finally get the one well

instead of get the one I will finally

find it okay or I will finally find one

both are okay all right last week should

be capital L I got a job interview and I

just passed for it so this should be I

immediately passed it even though I

started to work from Monday this week

Monday of this week they did not make a

contract or they have not made a

contract yet or have not made a contract

as of yet let’s keep going

it was also my mistake I should have

said that I can start to work after we

finish negotiating about contract well

that should be the contract okay but I

am grateful that I realize should be

realized my mistake so early this time

through several experiences about making

a contract I learned how to deal with it

should be with these situations okay all

right now very quickly an alternative so

in her essay she said as long as I don’t

give up now here’s another way of saying

that she could say as long as I hang in

there or she could say as long as I

focus on my goal or as long as I keep my

eyes on the prize basically saying

focusing on the future and not the

current situation okay alright let’s

keep going all right the first sentence

just two days that I worked without

contract are not that bad or serious

let’s change that to working just two

days without a contract was not that bad

or serious okay we change the entire

sentence let’s keep going all I need to

do is make sure if the company really

wants with an S to hire me legally

according to the right process or not

the capital T balance between Social

Work and commercial work now it seems

like the student didn’t finish her

thought so let’s change it to this there

needs to be a balance between Social

Work and commercial work okay let’s get

going I got a job interview two days ago

this capital T is social enterprise

which works for social and commercial

benefits at the same space time the

biggest issue for me is the annual

salary I love their vision and goal very

good

they capital t are totally matched with

my dream as capital a far as I know

Social Work is mostly focused on

providing something or

helping to society the two should be

taken out helping Society or people who

are in need

now the next sentence take away the end

capitalize the a also a social worker’s

salary is not that high because of that

reason

next capital B but this company is in

the midst between should be is in the

middle of these two different concepts I

really wonder how they defined the

workers should be how they define the

workers welfare and salary if the

workers have to work so hard with a

small salary for the social benefits we

cannot say that this company is social

is a social enterprise I believe that

first they should care about their lives

and benefits okay excellent job by this

student okay now let’s break down the

pattern or formula she used for an essay

remember the topic was job search she

broke it down into three different

sections the situation experiences and

then her opinion so for the situation

she was currently looking for a job the

type of job she was looking for and also

the current job market situation and her

opinion about that then the second part

her experiences the bad one and also the

good one and finally her opinion on the

focus a company should have so great job

again there were Corrections but in

general the context of the essay was

very good now I hope you guys really

enjoyed this lesson if you want to keep

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