Learn English Hank Azaria This is why you should count on your instincts with BIG subtitles

Thank You mr. president it’s great to be

here why I wasn’t told I had to prepare

anything so I figured I’d just take

questions for the next 15 minutes yes

you at the back way down there no no I

actually although those of you who might

remember me from my academic career here

would know that that concept is not

completely far-fetched but actually look

I did prepare a speech today which you

know I’m very excited because this is

the first time ever that I’ve been

standing on the Tufts campus holding a

writing assignment that I can actually

say I completed on time so good morning

and welcome friends family faculty most

important to graduating class of 2016

yes even though that it’s interesting

for me to call you the graduating class

of 2016 that is what you are but you’re

also individuals of course each one of

you has a unique character of any unique

backstory if I were to play any one of

you in a movie which I admit is highly

unlikely but stranger things have

happened be awed casting for me to be

cast as a 21 year old female graduating

student but I’m a character actor I try

not to limit myself creatively but if I

were to play any of you would take me

hours days weeks to study each of you

and learn your traits your quirks your

likes your dislikes your hopes and

dreams and fears so I was given the

delightful and impossible task of

standing up in front of all of you today

and offering some words of wisdom that

would somehow impact and affect each one

of you as you move forward in your

individual journey some truth to apply

to about 1,300 bright young singular

minds so I wasn’t sure if that was

possible so like most Hollywood actors

I’ve decided just to talk about myself

for the next 15 minutes

I was a pretty good student but I’m not

kidding

they’ll be at they’ll be some points

I’ll sneaking along the way I was a

pretty good student until 11th grade

when a wonderful and horrible thing

happened to me I did a play I was cast

as King Arthur in Camelot and I didn’t

realize it at the time but I thus lost

all concentration for my studies I

desperately and passionately wanted to

be an actor and I actually booked a gig

on my very first professional audition

it was a product called Brooklyn gum it

was on Italian television and I thought

hey this acting thing is easy why am I

wasting my time on things like getting

an education when apparently I’m ready

to go out there and become a

professional right now PS I did not work

again professionally for about seven

years

of course my grades suffered in fact my

transcript was so poor my senior year of

high school that I did not get into any

of the schools I applied to I was

wait-listed here at Tufts and at Brown

and at Georgetown now I think it would

be safe to categorize my mother’s

reaction to this as a total freak out

she told me through gritted teeth that I

was going to get on a plane is the way

my mother talks by the way when she’s

angry appear at each one of these

schools in person and make some kind of

impassioned plea to get accepted into

college

so still consumed with my love of acting

I looked at these interviews this way I

figured well I want to make it as an

actor so I need to be convincing so I

thought of this is my first acting job I

really did I told each school the same

thing that it was oh it’s always been my

dream to attend insert' name of

university here and that I had I had a

really rough personal time senior year I

broke both my elbows in a basketball

accident which was true to be fair and

that I had a lot of difficulty

accomplishing my academic tasks this did

not work at all at Georgetown the brown

guy was considering it but the Tufts

lady bought it hook line and sinker

which is why I’m standing before you

today and not at Brown at Georgetown

truth the truth was though that I I

still did not see why I needed to attend

school to follow my dream now when I got

here I discovered that I loved acting in

the theater more than I even knew I

spent almost all my time at the arena

theater either involved in productions

or drama classes yes drama students just

take it easy guy but just hanging out

with the kindred spirits I met here at

Tufts over in the theater now I would

love to report that once I found my

niche all of a sudden that was reflected

in my grades and my transcript took an

academic academic or academic turn for

the better but I’m here to tell you a

different story neither one of those

things happen in actuality I found

myself here not really caring about

whether I was given an A or an F for a

pass or a fail

I studied what interested me and I

enjoyed it without really worrying too

much if I was going to be rewarded for

my efforts or not I really was only

concerned with what I was personally

getting out of it okay so at this point

you might be asking yourself where is he

going with all this you might even be

upset that I didn’t give you this speech

on your first day here so that you could

have saved yourself from a lifetime of

being buried in student debt just bear

with me so there I was I’m very grateful

to find myself spiritually mentally and

physically in an incredible institution

of learning that offered me

opportunities every day to follow my

passions and interests you know when I

actually went to class that is would

also be nice to report that at this

juncture I was at the very least able to

complete my four-year college curriculum

and call myself with a Tufts graduate

again not the case for me when I marched

with my graduating class in the spring

of 85 I received an empty empty box

instead of a diploma I was a few credits

shy now thank you yes

ever kind and compassionate the

administration here was good enough to

let me participate in commencement thus

saving my mother yet another in what had

become a series of freak-outs during my

college career so went to New York not

long after that I almost immediately

immediately got fired from a bartending

job apparently out in the real world

they do not appreciate it if you don’t

really care about how well you’re

accomplishing you’re given tasks and I

moved to LA now the good news out there

was I was lucky enough to audition for a

bunch of movies and TV shows my first

year the bad news is that I booked

exactly none of them so I sat down with

my mother this time I was the one

freaking out whining about the things

that young unemployed actors whine about

and looking for some maternal

encouragement my mom listened to me

attentively and then rather

matter-of-factly stated well I just this

is my mom talking again

I just don’t think anything is going to

happen for you in your life until you

get that degree and I said mom I think

you’ve just placed a mother’s curse on

my head and I would like you to remove

it

to which she replied now and she walked

out of the kitchen so with the help of

Doc Kalin Sherwood Collins who was then

head of the drama department here I

coordinated the last two or three

classes I would need to complete my

drama major and I had the credits

transferred and that’s why I’m

officially the class of Tufts 87 one of

the upsides which being that I can

believably claim to be two years younger

than I actually am which is very handy

for an actor in Hollywood

okay so what is the point of all this um

first of all and as much as it pains me

to say this and please don’t tell her I

said this but my mom was right

maybe not for the reasons that she

thought but completing my drama major

two years late made me realize that even

though I had taken my own weird and

atypical and borderline bizarre path I

could follow that road and get to the

same place that the world wanted me to

get to even if it even if I didn’t do it

in a quote/unquote conventional fashion

I could now put a diploma in that empty

box I don’t think it registered on me at

the time but the notion that I could do

things my way even if that was a way

that no one had ever done before

whatever care to do again it was valid

and unique and ultimately viable I’ve

always been a singular strong-minded

person which is a nice way of saying

that I’m very stubborn and I don’t know

about brown or Georgetown but I know

that Tufts accepted me as the willful

person that I was it allowed me to be

that headstrong fellow for four years

without ever robbing me of my

individuality now and as an actor and I

believe in any profession all you can

really count on at the end of the day

are your own instincts what is right for

somebody else even if that’s somebody

else’s most of society may not be right

for you case in point and this is one of

my favorite Hollywood stories I was

talking to Dianne Wiest who’s a

wonderful actress we were on the set of

The Birdcage where I played the

Guatemalan houseboy agador spartacus

thank you

okay take it easy you’re gonna hear some

advice from agador later so just relax

Diane had just won an Oscar for her work

her work in Woody Allen’s film bullets

over Broadway and I asked her about her

experience on that movie and she said it

was very nerve-wracking for her because

about a week into shooting the movie she

asked Woody

how’s it all looking and Woody Allen

said it’s you know it’s not good not

good

she said you mean the whole film are

just my performance

he said no just you darling the

characters not it’s just not working

she said well what’s the matter and he

said it’s your voice it’s too high and

it’s not convincing and you know it’s

distracting so she said well should we

reshoot these scenes should I deepen my

voice or something and he said yeah it’s

probably a good idea let’s do that so

and in that film

Diane Reese is speaking in a very

baritone hyper intense way covering

people’s mouths and saying things like

dude speak she won the Oscar years later

I was talking to Mira Sorvino and other

wonderful actors who won the Academy

Award Academy Award in Woody Allen’s

film mighty Aphrodite in that movie she

plays a prostitute with a heart of gold

with an absurdly high voice she

literally sounds like Miss Piggy from

the Muppets and once again about a week

into shooting she said there was a knock

on her trailer door and there was Woody

Allen and he said to her I’d say listen

it’s not working she said the whole

movie or just me now just you die just

you die

she said what’s the matter and I swear

this is true he said yeah it’s your

voice it’s too high it’s you know silly

and the scenes are not believable and

and you know let’s reshoot let’s reshoot

so Mira Sorvino said she took this in

and she had a good cry over it and by

the time lunch was over she realized

that she felt both comedic lee and

dramatically that she she believed in

how she was playing the character and

that the high voice she was you

was really going to work and she told

Willie Woody Allen as much and that’s

what ended up on the on film now and

this is exciting for me because I’m

finally getting to my point it’s this

one day a very powerful director can

walk up to you and tell you to lower

your voice and if you do it you will win

an Oscar and on another day that very

same director can walk up to you and

tell you to lower your voice and if you

don’t do it you will win an Oscar now

how will you know which is the right

decision you know in a moment like that

what you think anybody else might do

will not help you but if you Conda if

you calm down you will know what your

instincts are telling you and you know

which way right or wrong that you must

proceed so as you may have gathered from

my stories about my checkered past my

academic career is not why I’m standing

before you today let’s face it it’s

because I’ve been on The Simpsons for at

least five years longer than 95% of the

graduating class has been alive so in

closing I thought it’d be nice to let

some of my Simpsons characters address

you and give you their advice

when in doubt always pull out the

Simpsons voices that’s my first price so

let’s hear from chief Wiggum first I

thank you very much

let’s see advice advice oh yeah kids you

didn’t hear this from me but if a cop

even thinks that you’re gonna throw up

in their backseat they will immediately

let you go no crime is worth having to

clean the Yak out of a seat belt hole

also if you’re ever wearing a body

camera take it off when you go to the

bathroom that’ll end up on YouTube Moe

the bartender would like to say hi yeah

he’s all doing out there uh yeah all

right I didn’t have the benefit of a

fancy highfalutin education I I went to

bu

yeah at least top size of campus I made

you to not getting hit by cars on

Commonwealth Avenue approve the owner

and proprietor of the kwik-e-mart would

also like to say hello greetings to

everybody here top students and myself

we have very much in common we both

worship an elephant and there he is

tremendous honour for me to be staring

at an elephant remember please children

that in life there is nothing that is

not so disgusting that it cannot be sold

on a heated roller at a nearly criminal

markup the old sea captain has something

you’d like to say yeah kids remember the

sea is a cruel mistress

but Medford is worse so you’ll be fired

[Applause]

finally comic book guy would like to say

hello life is like the Star Wars movies

some of it is great some of it sucks but

you have no choice but to sit through

all of it very similar to the

commencement speech you’re listening to

right now you know most of my Simpsons

voices are either just good or bad

impressions of people I’m a mimic at

heart I became an actor as a result

because I really wanted to be other

people I wanted to be anybody but myself

really so imagine my shock and chagrin

when I discovered that while doing

impressions of people can be amusing and

even hilarious great actors even great

character actors are willing to utterly

be themselves in front of an audience or

a camera I didn’t realize it but when I

was your guys age I had to believe that

who I was and how I thought and how I

felt was inherently uninteresting and

flawed and not practical well maybe they

were and maybe they still are but it

wasn’t until I embraced the person that

I really was that my work as an actor

got really interesting I’m not

suggesting that you ignore the laws of

the rules of society or the laws of

common sense or the actual law or

textbooks or manuals or your teachers or

your advisers or the internet or all the

other sources that are happy to tell you

the right and wrong way to go about

doing almost everything just please be

honest with yourself about what you

think and how you feel about all of that

what you like and dislike what angers

you or scares you or saddens you or

inspires you or delights you those

feelings are called your instincts and

you ignore them at your own peril or as

agador spartacus would say kids just

please be yourselves and if you can be

yourself

please be Judy Garland from that movie

meet me in st. Louis

my god she got to wear such cute outfits

in that movie speaking of which why do

we have to be in these robes today

who is this flattering on you can’t look

good in this

I mean maybe we’re shoulder pads and

like a cinch belt it would all work but

I’m gonna stop talking now because the

sooner we change out of these things the

better yes congratulations class of 2016

[Applause]