Learn English Andy Samberg make sure its what you REALLY want with BIG subtitles

[Music]

students faculty parents grandparents

uncles that weren’t invited but showed

up anyway handsome young janitors who

are secretly math geniuses

and the homeless guy from with honors my

name is Andy Samberg and I am as honored

to be here today as I am unqualified

there’s a storied history of incredible

class day speakers here at Harvard Nobel

Prize laureate mother Teresa former US

President Bill Clinton and now me the

fake rap Weiner songs guy I’m also just

over the moon to be receiving an

honorary degree here today I mean never

in my wildest dreams did I what’s that

no degree so what I’m just like I’m just

like a professor or oh nothing then why

am I here

Dean Hammonds you like this crappy

speech then yeah I flew my folks in here

we go class of 2012 you are graduating

from college that means this is the

first day of the last day of your life

no that’s wrong this is the last day of

the first day of school nope that’s

worse

this is a day you know I to turn to

Webster’s dictionary and it defined

Harvard as the season for gathering

crops

and admittedly that’s actually the

definition of harvest but it was the

closest word I could find to Harvard

that wasn’t a proper noun and in the end

isn’t that what Harvard is really about

though planting the seeds of knowledge

that eventually produce crops aka money

in order to satisfy the farmers your

parents who pay like forty five thousand

crops a year to send you to harvest just

so you could major in women’s

agriculture see what I’m doing before we

move on the world outside of Harvard has

asked me to make a quick announcement

the following majors are apparently

useless as of tomorrow history

literature all things related to art

social studies East Asian Studies pretty

much anything that ends with studies

Romance languages and finally folklore

and mythology come on guys just study

something useful and play World of

Warcraft in your free time

okay anyhow all those majors now useless

unless you can somehow turn them into an

iPhone app math and science majors do

you guys are cool yeah finally

but 2012 is a great time to be

graduating from college sure the job

markets a little slow sure our

healthcare and Social Security systems

are going to evaporate in five years

sure you’ll have to work till you’re 80

to support your 110 year old parents who

will live forever because of

nanotechnology sure the concept of love

will soon disappear leaving us all

lonely robots ready to kill our best

friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip

soup but that doesn’t matter because

tomorrow you graduate from harvest

Harvard from Harvard

it’s where you will graduate now I’m

sure a lot of you were looking up here

and thinking what makes this guy so

special you know what is he accomplished

he didn’t even go to Harvard well to you

I say this I didn’t even apply too hard

okay

because I knew I wouldn’t get in boom

suck on that I don’t accept you the

Steam College I break up first I move on

and you see me with my hot new

girlfriend she’s riding shotgun in my

convertible Sebring that’s right it’s

the one that Harvard was always begging

me to rent and we went up the coast and

I’m just laughing and looking really fit

like is he even hitting the gym nope

just eating right and making positive

choices man I really wanted that

honorary degree well I guess the old

saying is true never trust Dean Hammonds

[Applause]

regardless Harvard remains iconic in our

culture one thing that sticks out in my

mind is the central role this campus

played and one of the most important

films ever made about social connections

and how we communicate I’m referring of

course to 1986 whimsical blackface Rob’s

soul man starring C thomas Howell as a

white student posing as an

african-american in order to exploit

affirmative action he was in Harvard Law

in that movie and that movie exists

now most of you don’t know this yet but

Harvard is one of the few schools you

can attend that can also eventually

become your workplace nickname who’s

that a mama is this in the break room

probably Harvard’s whose Vespa is in my

parking spot I’m going with Harvard’s in

fact once you graduate you can never

wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public

again without looking like a world-class

a-hole I honestly think the coupe should

sell University of Michigan t-shirts

that you can wear just to blend in once

you’re out of here and to clarify when I

say the coupe I mean your campus

bookstore and not famous film actor

Bradley Cooper whom I also refer to as

the coupe and who also sells books and

sweatshirts in his free time

speaking of fame Harford has many famous

alumni Mark Zuckerberg Bill Gates just a

few ex students that started successful

businesses after dropping out which

means if you’re in this crowd today and

graduating you’re destined to be a

massive failure sorry those are just the

facts also a fact class day is a

terrible name for a day when you don’t

have to go to class like ever again it’s

pretty much like calling New Year’s Eve

so bride a night hey you going out for

sobriety night yeah it’s gonna suck and

now on a more literary note I’d like to

read a poem by the great WB Yeats which

is actually pronounced Yeats a lot of

people don’t know that thanks for the

heads-up Barney Frank

anyways this is a truly beautiful and

poignant passage from the 1929

collection the winding stair and other

poems and I think it’s especially

applicable to today’s ceremonies it goes

like this this is how we do it this is

how to win it it’s Friday night and I

feel all right hit the shore cuz I’m

faded honey’s in the streets say money

yeah we made it there’s more but you get

it classic heats an important poet now

while I am truly excited to be here

today I’ll be honest at 33 years of age

I haven’t indoors or lived that much

more than you guys so in order to give

you a broader scope of what’s to come I

reached out and asked for some words of

wisdom from some people that I thought

were relevant to your experience here

the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg who

was a Harvard student was kind enough to

send me some remarks that I will relate

to you now oh hey guys it’s me mark or

as my friend Kofi Annan calls me

chuckleberry Finn he thought of that I

just wanted to give a quick congrats to

you all but really more of a congrats to

me you know since I left things have

gone so good you guys like a

six-year-olds fantasy of the future good

in fact I recently completed the Harvard

trifecta start your own company have a

movie made about you and marry an Asian

doctor trifecta

so everyone out there be sure to upgrade

to Timeline and lay off the Pinocchio’s

pizza I went to Harvard that’s what he

had to say I also asked for you know the

local experience I asked Massachusetts

native Mark Wahlberg to send over some

thoughts for you guys and here’s what he

had to say hey Harvard how’s it going so

you guys are graduating huh I think

that’s great

hey we should do a film together what do

you think guys are super smart right I

used two prosthetic penis at Boogie

Nights okay just think about it say hi

to your mother for me okay he asked me

to say that to you guys and then finally

I asked Bloch blockbuster superstar Nic

Cage for some remarks now I realize he

didn’t go to Harvard and he’s not from

Boston but he has a special connection

to this place that I’ll let him explain

here’s what he wrote good afternoon

as I write to you I’m currently digging

a tunnel into the bowels of the Widener

Library when I finally breach its mighty

walls I will steal the legendary

Gutenberg Bible and return it to its

rightful owner

Steve Guttenberg you know I’ve seen some

weird stuff in my day in Istanbul I saw

a small child swallow a pelican hole in

the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen

fly into a portal and disappear from our

world forever but no matter what I’ve

seen there’s been one thing I’ve held to

be true love is the most powerful force

this universe has to offer and we should

show kindness to all around us

with the exception of Dean Hammonds who

was a filthy liar

and that my friends is the true meaning

of Hanukkah I’d love to keep writing but

now the time has come for me to ride on

to my next adventure what’s that you ask

simple I’m gonna have sex with the

statue of John Harvard and those are my

three impressions thank you guys

late night television led me straight

here now we’ve been paying a lot of

attention to the students here today but

I want to take a moment and acknowledge

all the parents in particular I want to

give a shout out to all the moms in the

house give it up absolutely our moms our

moms put up with so much and they ask

for so little and as I look out at all

the beautiful mothers here today I can’t

help but be filled with an overwhelming

sense of horniness

oh yes

you’re a fine crop indeed and I likes me

some older ladies they know how to do

stuff you know what I mean so to all the

moms open invitation

nobody gots to know about it now before

all you dads out there get upset I mean

no just no disrespect really and you got

to be something special if you’ve got

such fine ladies on your arms in fact as

they look at all these strong loyal men

I can’t help but be filled with an

overwhelming sense of horniness

oh yes see a lot of silver foxes out

there today and Harvard eight sheep

where my sugar daddies act yeah I see

you you don’t have to raise your hand

open invitation gentlemen nobody gets to

new

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and now I’d like to get a little serious

as you move forward in the world there

will be obstacles but every challenge is

a chance for success you know what I’m

sorry I had a whole inspirational

section of this prepared but it just

feels phony now so I’m gonna scrap these

scripted words and just speak to you

guys from the heart yeah this stuff is

much more from the heart look the things

I’m about to say to you aren’t to make

any friends and they’re not for some

cheap applause okay it’s real talk and

it comes from my soul so listen up

Yale sucks balls am i right Cheers

they’re the worst Yael asked me to do

their class Day speech but I could make

it to the stage because I kept slipping

in all their drool it’s like a

second-tier safety school in the worst

city in America

guys I’m kidding New Haven’s nicer now

then we Rwanda little known fact about

Yale it was built on top of an ancient

Native American toilet meat it’s no

wonder they’re called the Bulldogs

they’re a bunch of big-headed inbreds

with breathing problems and that comes

with my apologies to any inbreds here

today don’t let anyone compare you to a

Yalie and look this all might sound

harsh but in truth Yale is basically a

sewer filled with mold people only

replace the word people with stinky

dried up dog turds that hate laughter

and puppies and that’s my heart stuff

you guys from my soul for some of you

who might have been tough to hear but I

felt it was my duty to give it to you

straight

also quick confession I know literally

nothing about you but I will say this

darkness can burn in hell

ah class day you know it’s hard to know

where life will take you from here what

adventures will have which sitcoms

you’ll write for but my advice to you is

simple relax dude you just finished

college at Harvard you worked so hard

trust me you’re gonna kill it I went to

Santa Cruz and then I transferred to

film school and I’m rich okay and I

don’t mean spiritually rich or any

hippie crap like that I’m talking about

racks on racks believe it I’m being a

little hyperbolic to seem cool but I am

up against mother Teresa on this thing

okay have you guys YouTube her class Day

speech she was like krumping and

throwing bags of money into the crowd

I’m gonna take some liberties but in the

days ahead a lot of people will tell you

to trust your instincts and don’t be

afraid to take chances and I am

definitely one of those people but I

would also say this don’t rush into the

next phase of your life whether it’s

grad school at Harvard or grad school at

MIT or massively disappointing your

parents by exploring your art made out

of garbage thing whatever it is you try

make sure it’s what you really want to

do because the only person who knows

what that is is you and if all else

fails just remember these beautiful

words from the film Dead Poets Society

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

which now that I’ve said out loud did

not quite drive home my point as much as

I had hoped

in fact I’m realizing that only like 7%

of what I’ve said today has been at all

helpful or even passable as English but

in the end I feel I’m only truly

qualified to give you three simple tips

on how to succeed in life one cut a hole

in a box

to put your junk in said box three make

her or him open the box and that’s the

way you do it also I can’t believe I’m

about to say this but Dean Hammonds I

forgive you

bygones be bygones I’ve already got that

sweet degree from Santa Cruz and film

school anyways so thank you graduates

Godspeed and congratulations play the

ease

you