English Speech Amy Poehler Dont Do It Alone with Big Subtitles

years I am honored that you chose me to

help you celebrate your graduation today

I can only assume I am here today

because of my subtle and layered work in

a timeless classic entitled deuce

Bigalow male gigolo and for that I say

you’re welcome I’m truly truly delighted

to be here at Harvard I graduated from

Boston College which some call the

Harvard of Boston’s

but we all know that Harvard is the

Harvard of Harvard and you can quote me

on that I have to admit I’m very

surprised to be here because like so

many of you I was pretty convinced the

rapture was gonna happen

show of hands how many of you woke up on

Sunday and thought you’re kidding me I

sold all of my belongings I told my boss

to shove it and we’re still here I

understand how you feel I am so mad at

heaven right now so I tried to write

today’s speech the way I wrote

everything in college stayed up all

night typing on a cannon word processor

while listening to Sir mix-a-lot

to be fair first I took a nap I ate a

large pretzel I cried a little bit and

then I went to see that movie Fast Five

and I’m here to tell you life is like a

heist that requires good drivers an

explosives expert a hot girl who doubles

as a master of disguise and this is a

hard and fast rule if the rock shows up

they’re on to you but the class of 2011

did not invite me here to tell jokes

they invited me here to talk about the

recent tensions between oil traders and

regulators of the Commodity Futures

Trading Commission

I’m sure we all read the New York Times

this morning which posited that there

may be a complex scheme that relied on

the close relationships between physical

oil prices and the prices of financial

futures which of course as we all know

moves in parallel what do I know about

Harvard I know it is the oldest American

University I know it provides the

ultimate experience

in higher learning and according to the

movies I know it is filled with people

who get rich by either inventing things

or suing the people who claim they stole

their inventions let me be clear I

believe everything I see in movies and

if you remember anything I say today

remember this every single thing you see

in movies is real so what do the fine

students of 2011 need to hear from me if

I wanted to give you advice as a

Bostonian I would remind you that just

because you’re wicked smaht it doesn’t

mean you’re better than me and I would

also want to say good for you for

working so hard he graduated from haben

huh must be nice

if I wanted to give you advice as a New

Yorker I’d tell you excuse me ma’am

could you move please don’t walk in the

bike lane

get off the bike lane please and I would

also like to take a moment to inform you

as a New Yorker and as my cought cab

driver did recently that Bloomberg

pretends to take the subway but we all

know that’s a bunch of baloney if I

wanted to give you advice as an actor

that would tell you this don’t do it

don’t be one there are too many I have a

lot of talented friends who aren’t

working sorry no more room at the end I

bet you’re great but um just work with

the human genome instead you’re all

smart and sophisticated people you know

the world in a way that my generation

never did because of that I realize I

don’t have much advice to give to you in

many ways I learned from you I don’t

have many answers just questions

specifically when I use FaceTime on my

iPad and I’m talking to someone and I

take a picture sometimes the screen

freezes how do I fix that

all I can tell you today is what I’ve

learned when I have discovered as a

person in this world and that is this

you can’t do it alone as you navigate

through the rest of your life be open to

collaboration other people and other

people’s ideas are often better than

your own find a group of people who

challenge and inspire you spend a lot of

time with them and it will change your

life

no one is here today because they did it

on their own

okay maybe Josh but he’s just a

straight-up weirdo you’re all here today

because someone gave you strength helped

you held you in the palm of their hand

God Allah Buddha gaga

whomever you pray to they have helped

you get here that should make you feel

less alone and less scared because it

has been a scary 10 years you were young

children when you watched planes hit the

World Trade Center you quickly

understood what it was like to feel out

of control your formative teenage years

were filled with orange alerts and rogue

waves and unaccomplished missions for my

generation it was aids we all grow up

afraid of something your generation had

to get used to taking off your shoes at

the airport my generation had to get

used to

awkward PSAs from boys to men telling us

to use protection but during those tough

times we realize how wonderful it felt

to be part of a group but more about me

I moved to Chicago in the early nineteen

ninety ninety s and I studied

improvisation there I learned some rules

that I try to apply still today listen

say yes live in the moment make sure you

play with people who have your back make

big choices early and often don’t start

a scene where two people are talking

about jumping out of a plane start the

scene having already jumped if you’re

scared look in your partner’s eyes you

will feel better

this advice has come in handy and it it

would often be something I would think

about when I would perform on Saturday

Night Live live television can be very

nerve-racking and I remember one time

being nervous looking into the eyes of

the host and feeling better I should

point out I was wearing a chicken suit

at the time the host was Donald Trump

he was wearing a bigger more elaborate

chicken suit I looked into his eyes I

saw that he looked really stupid and I

instantly felt better see how that works

I should point out that that sketch was

written by a Harvard Graduate and also a

graduate from Northwestern but who cares

about that am i right I cannot stress

enough that the answer to a lot of your

life’s questions is often in someone

else’s face

try putting your iPhone’s down every

once in a while and look at people’s

faces people’s faces will tell you

amazing things like if they are angry or

nauseous or asleep

I have been lucky to be a part of great

ensembles my work with The Upright

Citizens Brigade led me to my work on

Saturday Night Live and when I graduated

from that comedy College I was worried

about what came next

then Parks and Recreation came along a

show I’m proud of where I get to work

with people I love you never know what

is around the corner unless you peek

hold someone’s hand while you do it

you’ll feel less scared you can’t do

this alone

besides it’s much more fun to succeed

and fail with other people you can blame

them when things go wrong

take your risks now as you grow older

you become more fearful and less

flexible and I mean that literally I

hurt my knee on the treadmill this week

and it wasn’t even on try to keep your

mind open to possibilities and your

mouth closed on matters that you don’t

know about limit you’re always and your

Nevers continue to share your heart with

people even if it’s been broken don’t

treat your heart like an action figure

wrapped in plastic and never used and

don’t try to give you that nerd argument

that your heart is a Batman with a

limited edition silver Batarang and

therefore if it stays in its original

packing and increases in value watch it

Harvard you’re not better than me

even though as a class you are smart

you’re still allowed to say I don’t know

just because you are in high demand you

are still allowed to say let me get back

to you this will come in handy when your

parents ask when you plan to move out of

their basement

and you answer I don’t know let me get

back to you

which leads me to my final thought would

it kill you to be nice to your parents

they have sacrificed so much for you and

all they want you to do is smile and

take a picture with your weird cousins

do that for them and with less eye

rolling please and so class of 2011 it

is time to leave Oprah has spoken so I

will end with this quote hey yeah hey

yeah hey yeah hey yeah hey yeah hey yeah

hey yeah hey yeah alright alright

alright although the group Outkast

the song hey yeah the lyrics nonsense

I’m sorry I was it was really late when

I wrote this this is what I want to say

when you feel scared hold someone’s hand

and look into their eyes and when you

feel brave do the same thing you are all

here because you are smart and you are

brave and if you add kindness and the

ability to change a tire

you almost make up the perfect person I

thank you for asking me to speak to you

today as you head out into the world I

wish you love and light joy and much

laughter and as always please don’t

forget to tip your waitresses thank you

very much