Learn English Conan OBrien Life Is Not Fair with Big Subtitles

I’ve been living in Los Angeles for two

years and I’ve never been this cold in

my life I will pay anyone here $300 for

gore-tex gloves anybody I’m serious I

have the cash

before I begin I must point out that

behind me sits a highly admired

President of the United States and

decorated war hero while I a cable

television talk show host has been

chosen to stand here and in part wisdom

I pray I never witnessed a more damning

example of what is wrong with America

today

graduates faculty parents relatives

undergraduates and old people that just

come to these things good morning and

congratulations to the Dartmouth class

of 2011

today you have achieved something

special something only 92% of Americans

your age will ever know a college

diploma that’s right with your college

diploma you now have a crushing

advantage over 8% of the workforce

I’m talking about dropout losers like

Bill Gates Steve Jobs and Mark

Zuckerberg incidentally speaking of mr.

Zuckerberg only at Harvard would someone

have to invent a massive social network

just to talk with someone in the next

room my first job as your commencement

speaker was to illustrate that life is

not fair

for example you have worked tirelessly

for four years to earn the Diploma

you’ll be receiving this weekend that

was great and Dartmouth is giving me the

same degree for interviewing the fourth

lead in Twilight deal were they

another example that life is not fair if

it does rain the powerful rich people on

stage get the tent

deal with it I would like to thank

President Kim for inviting me here today

after my phone call with President Kim I

decided to find out a little bit about

the man he goes by President Kim and

doctor Kim to his friends he’s Jim Kim J

to the K special k JK rowling that just

kidding Kim stir and most puzzling

stinky Pete he serves as the chair of

the department of global health and

social medicine at Harvard Medical

School spearheaded a task force for the

World Health Organization on global

health initiatives won a MacArthur

Genius grant and was one of Time

Magazine’s 100 most influential people

in 2006 good god man what the hell are

you compensating for

[Laughter]

seriously we get it you’re smart by the

way dr. Jim you were brought to

Dartmouth to lead and as a world-class

anthropologist you were also hired to

figure out why each of these graduating

students ran around a bonfire 111 times

but I thank you for inviting me here

stinky Pete and it is an honor though

some of you may see me as a celebrity

you should know that I once sat where

you sit

literally late last night I snuck out

here and sat in every seat I did it to

prove a point I’m not bright and I have

a lot of free time but this is a

wonderful occasion it’s great to be here

in New Hampshire where I am getting an

honorary degree and all the legal

fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my

car you know New Hampshire is such a

special place when I arrived I took a

deep breath of this crisp New England

air and thought wow I’m in a state

that’s next to the state where Ben and

Jerry’s ice cream is made but don’t get

me wrong I take my class today very

seriously when I got the call two months

ago to be your speaker I decided to

prepare with the same intensity many of

you have devoted to an important term

paper so late last night I began

I drank two cans of Red Bull snorted

some adderall played a few hours of Call

of Duty and then open my browser I think

what the pedia put it best when they

said Dartmouth College is a private Ivy

League university in Hanover New

Hampshire United States thank you and

good luck to communicate with you

students today I have gone to great

lengths to become well-versed in your

unique linguistic patterns in fact just

this morning I left Baker berry with my

trippy berry to eat a Billy Bob at the

Bema when my Flixter Francesca was

blitzed jacked by some d-bag on his MSP

yes I’ve done my research this college

was named after the second Earl of

Dartmouth a good friend of the 3rd Earl

of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the

Barbizon School of Beauty your school

motto is Vox clematis and deserto

which means voice crying out in the

wilderness this is easily the most

pathetic school motto I have ever heard

[Applause]

apparently it narrowly beat out silently

weeping in thick shrub and whimpering in

voice leave without pants

sure school color is green and this

color was chosen by Frederick Mather in

1867 because and this is true I looked

it up quote it was the only color that

had not been taken already

I cannot remember hearing anything so

sad Dartmouth’s you have an inferiority

complex and you should not you have

graduated more great fictitious

Americans than any other college

Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy Pete

Campbell from Mad Men Michael Corleone

from The Godfather

in fact I look forward to next year’s

valedictory address by our esteemed

classmate Count Chocula of course your

greatest fictitious graduate is a

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner man

can you imagine if a real Treasury

secretary made those kinds of decisions

[Laughter]

now I know what you’re gonna say

Dartmouth you’re gonna say well we’ve

got dr. Seuss well guess what we’re all

tired of hearing about dr. Seuss face it

the man rhymed

falou soul with sass noozle in a

literary community that’s called

cheating your insecurity is so great

Dartmouth that you don’t even think you

deserve a real podium I’m sorry what the

hell is this thing it looks like you

stole it from the set of survivor Nova

Scotia seriously it looks like something

a bear would use at an AAA meeting no

Dartmouth you must stand tall raise your

heads high and feel proud because if

Harvard Yale and Princeton are your

self-involved vain name-dropping older

brothers you were the cool sexually

confident lacrosse playing younger

sibling who knows how to throw a party

and looks good in a Down Vest Brown of

course is your lesbian sister who never

leaves her room

and pen Columbia and Cornell well

frankly who gives a

[Applause]

yes I’ve always had a special bond with

this school in fact this is my second

time coming here when I was 17 years old

and touring colleges way back in the

fall of 1980 I came to Dartmouth

Dartmouth was a very different place

back then I made the trip up from Boston

on a mule after asking the blacksmith in

West lab for directions I came to this

beautiful campus no dormitories had been

built yet so I stayed with a family of

fur traders in White River Junction it

snowed heavily during my visit and I was

trapped here for four months I was

forced to eat the mule who a week

earlier had been forced to eat the fur

traders still I love Dartmouth and I

vowed to return but fate dealt a heavy

blow with no money I was forced to

enroll in a small local commuter school

a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the

Charles River that was a miserable

wretch and did this day I cannot help

but wonder what if I had gone to

Dartmouth if I had gone to Dartmouth I

might have spent at least some of my

college years outside and today I might

not be allergic to all plant life as

well as most types of rock if I had gone

to Dartmouth right now I’d be wearing a

fleece thong instead of a lace thong

[Applause]

[Laughter]

if I’d gone to Dartmouth I still

wouldn’t know the second verse to dear

old Dartmouth face it none of you do you

all mumble that part if I had gone to

Dartmouth I’d have a liver the size and

consistency of a beanbag chair finally

if I had gone to Dartmouth today I’d be

getting an honorary degree at Harvard

imagine how awesome that would be

[Applause]

[Laughter]

you are a great school and you deserve a

historic commencement address that’s

right I want my message today to be

forever remembered because it changed

the world to do this I must suggest

ground baked breaking policy Winston

Churchill gave his famous iron curtain

speech at Westminster College in 1946

JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament

policy at American University in 1963

today I would like to set forth my own

policy here at Dartmouth I call it the

coning doctrine under the coning

doctrine all bachelor degrees will be

upgraded to master’s degrees all

master’s degrees will be upgraded to

PhDs and all MBA students will be

immediately transferred to a

white-collar prison under the Cohen

doctrine Winter Carnival will become

winter carnival and be moved to Rio

clothing will be optional all expenses

paid by the Alumni Association your

nickname the big green will be changed

to something more kick-ass like the Jade

Blade the seafoam Avenger or simply lime

Zilla the d-plan and quarter system will

finally be updated to the 164th system

semesters will last three days students

will be encouraged to take 48 semesters

off they must however be on campus

during their sophomore fourth of July

under the Conan doctrine I will

reinstate tube stock and I will punish

those who tried to replace it with field

stock rafting and beer are a much better

combination than a field and a beer I

happen to know that in two years they

were going to downgrade heeled stock to

desk stock seven hours of fun sitting

quietly at your desk don’t let those

bastards do it and finally under the

Cohen doctrine all commencement speakers

who shamelessly pander with cheap inside

references designed to get childish

applause will be forced to apologize to

the greatest graduating class in the

history of the world

Dartmouth class of 2011 rolls

besides policy another hallmark of great

commencement speeches is deep profound

advice like reach for the stars well

today I’m not gonna waste your time with

empty cliches instead I’m gonna give you

real practical advice that you will need

to know what you’re going to survive the

next few years first adult acne lasts

longer than you think I almost canceled

two days ago because I had a zit on my

eye guys this is important you cannot

iron a shirt while wearing it there’s

another one if you live on ramen noodles

for too long you lose all feelings in

your hands and your stool becomes a

white gel and finally wearing colorful

converse high tops beneath your

graduation robe is a great way to tell

your classmates this is just the first

of many horrible decisions you plan to

make with the rest of your life of

course there many parents here and I

have real advice for them as well

parents you should write this down many

of your children you haven’t seen them

in four years well now you’re about to

see them every day when they come out of

the basement to tell you the Wi-Fi isn’t

working if your child majored in fine

arts or philosophy you have good reason

to be worried the only place they are

now really qualified to get a job is

ancient Greece good luck with that

degree the traffic today on East we lop

is gonna be murder so once they start

handing out diplomas you should slip out

in the middle of the case and I have to

tell you this you will spend more money

framing your child’s diploma then they

will earn in the next six months it’s

tough out there so be patient

the only people hiring right now are

Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels

yes you parents must be patient because

it is indeed a grim job market out there

one of the reasons it’s so tough finding

work is that aging baby boomers refuse

to leave their jobs trust me on this

even when they promise you for five

years they’re going to leave and say it

on television I mean you can go on

YouTube right now and watch the guy do

it there is no guarantee they won’t come

back

of course I’m speaking generally but

enough this is not a time for grim

prognostications or negativity no I came

here today because believe it or not I

actually do have something real to tell

you eleven years ago I gave an address

to a graduating class at Harvard I have

not spoken at a graduation since because

I thought I had nothing left to say but

then 2010 came and now I’m here a 3,000

miles from my home because I learned a

hard but profound lesson last year not

to share it with you in 2000 I told

graduates don’t be afraid to fail well

now I’m here to tell you that they you

should not fear failure you should do

your very best to avoid it

Nietzsche famously said whatever doesn’t

kill you makes you stronger what he

failed to stress is that it almost kills

you

disappointment stings and for driven

successful people like yourselves it is

disorienting what Nietzsche should have

said is whatever doesn’t kill you makes

you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and

drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11:00 in

the morning now by definition

commencement speakers at an Ivy League

college are considered successful but a

little over a year ago I experienced a

profound and very public disappointment

I did not get what I wanted and I left a

system that had nurtured and helped

define me for the better part of

seventeen years I went from being in the

center of the grid to not only off the

grid but underneath the coffee table

that the grid sits on lost in the shag

carpeting that is underneath the coffee

table supporting the grid

it was the making of a career disaster

and a terrible analogy

but then something spectacular happened

fog-bound with no compass and adrift I

started trying things I grew a strange

cinnamon beard I’d go over the world of

social media

I started tweeting my comedy I threw

together a national tour I played the

guitar I did stand-up were a skin-tight

blue leather suit recorded an album made

a documentary and frightened my friends

and family ultimately I abandoned all

preconceived perceptions of my career

path and stature and took a job on basic

cable with a network most famous for

showing reruns along with sitcoms

created by a tall black man who dresses

like an old black woman I did a lot of

silly unconventional spontaneous and

seemingly irrational things and guess

what with the exception of the blue

leather suit

it was the most satisfying and

fascinating year of my professional life

to this day I still don’t understand

exactly what happened but I have never

had more fun but more challenged and

this is important had more conviction

about what I was doing how could this be

true well it’s simple there are few

things more liberating in this life than

having your worst fear realized I went

to college with many people who prided

themselves on knowing exactly who they

were and exactly where they were going

at Harvard five different guys in my

class told me they would one day be

President of the United States four of

them were later killed in motel

shootouts the other ones briefly hosted

Blue’s Clues before dying senselessly

and yet another motel shootout your path

at 22 will not necessarily be your path

at 32 or 42 one’s dream is constantly

evolving rising and falling changing

course this happens in every job but

because I have worked in comedy for 25

years I can probably speak best about my

own profession way back in the 1940s

there was a very very funny man named

Jack Benny he was a giant star easily

one of the greatest comedians of his

generation and a much younger man named

Johnny Carson wanted very much to be

Jack Benny in some way he’s in some ways

he was but in many ways he wasn’t he

emulated Jack Benny but his own quirks

and mannerisms along with the changing

medium pulled him in a different

direction and yet his failure to

completely become his hero made him the

funniest person of his generation David

Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson and

was not and as a result my generation of

comedians wanted to be David Letterman

and none of us are my peers and I have

all missed that mark in a thousand

different ways but the point is this it

is our failure to become our perceived

ideal that ultimately defines us and

makes us unique it’s not easy but if you

accept your misfortune and handle it

right your perceived failure can become

a catalyst for profound reinvention so

at the age of 47

so at the age of 47 after 25 years of

obsessively pursuing my dream that dream

changed for decades and showbusiness the

ultimate goal of every comedian was to

host the Tonight Show it was the Holy

Grail and like many people I thought

that achieving that goal would define me

as successful but that is not true no

specific job or career goal defines me

and it should not define you in 2000 in

2000 I told graduates to not be afraid

to fail and I still believe that but

today I tell you that whether you fear

it or not disappointment will come the

beauty is that through disappointment

you can gain clarity and with clarity

comes conviction and true originality

many of you here today are getting your

diploma at this Ivy League school

because you have committed yourself to a

dream and worked hard to achieve it and

there is no greater cliche in a

commencement address than follow your

dream well I’m here to tell you that

whatever you think your dream is now it

will probably change and that’s okay

four years ago many of you had specific

vision of what your college experience

was going to be and who you were going

to become and I bet today most of you

would admit that your time here was very

different from what you imagined your

roommates changed your major changed for

some of you your sexual orientation

changed I bet some of you have changed

your sexual orientation since I began

this speech I know I have but through

the good and especially the bad the

person you are now is someone you could

never have conjured in the fall of 2007

I’ve told you many things today most of

it foolish but some of it true I’d like

to end my address by breaking a taboo

and quoting myself from 17 months ago at

the end of my final program with NBC

just before signing off I said work hard

be kind and amazing things will happen

today receiving this honor and speaking

to the Dartmouth class of 2011

from behind a tree trunk I have never

believed that more

thank you very much and congratulations

[Applause]

you