Learn English Maya Rudolph How to succeed as an actor with BIG subtitles

well well well here we are get all these

beautiful faces and iPhones

thank you so much president Fitz the

board of Tulane members and today’s

honorary degree recipients good morning

graduates yeah families and friends of

graduates mothers fathers brothers

brothers from other mothers sisters

roommates roommates grandmas and

grandpas Mema’s and pat paws bubbies and

Nana’s and boppers nonny Gigi’s and

their special friend herb aunt Ronnie’s

uncle Gary’s and people who met on

tinder this morning I thank you for

having me here to join you on this

special day in this incredible City

I stand here humbled gracious and

completely naked under this robe

it really is a true honor to be with all

of you as you begin this new phase of

your life as you embark on this exciting

and challenging journey of being sober

during the day

[Applause]

it’s gonna it’s gonna be interesting I

applaud you for being here today because

it means not only have you earned a

college degree but you have found this

arena despite still having a

blood-alcohol level of 9 I’m looking at

you School of Public Health and Tropical

Medicine you know fool me from this day

forward the world is filled with endless

possibilities

you’re young you’re in your 20s this is

a great great day for you except for

those of you leaving college with any

student loan debt I don’t I don’t know

what to say to you guys I’m sorry I hope

you win the lottery

know what to tell you about that

well back in January when the university

asked me to make today’s commencement

speech I was delighted so when I started

writing it this morning back at the

hotel

the first thing I did was go online and

look up other commencement speeches and

then I got tired so I took a nap I woke

up cried a little bit ordered some

huevos rancheros from room service

and then I cried a little bit more and

then I picked myself up by the

bootstraps and decided to go back to

sleep and after I hit that snooze button

like four or five times I got up again

and I did what all of you probably did

while you were pushing through finals

week I made sure all the apps on my

phone were updated because that felt

like the most important thing then I

checked Facebook Twitter Instagram and

snapchat a periscope my breakfast I took

four quizzes on BuzzFeed and I watched

Game of Thrones

and as I as I finished writing the

speech on the car right over here this

morning I thought I thought about just

how deep my two-lane roots are I am very

proud to say that my father Richard

Rudolph graduated class in 1968 and

today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is

graduating with all of you Sabrina

Sarina I’d like to embarrass you by

please asking you to stand up and wave

at everyone in the Superdome okay I am

so so proud of you now please don’t

Sully the family name to do that

Benjamin Franklin Napoleon

jay-z LeBron James Lucille Ball c-3po

these are all graduates of Tulane

University according to my phone

[Applause]

and they all graduated magna carta Holy

Grail

now I don’t speak Latin so I do not know

what that means but I do speak Pig Latin

so I know how to say I ich spay pig pay

Anton lay it just means I speak Pig

Latin now I did not go to Tulane I

graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a

yep are you guys know it well it’s a

little hippie school nestled in the

beautiful seaside woods of Northern

California so so it’s like this you guys

have the Green Wave and our school

mascot was the banana slug we did not

have a football team but in fact we had

an Ultimate Frisbee team it’s different

right

I majored in not washing my feet and

advanced zig-zag rolling so

so for a lot of my five year college

career I was lost

like actually law santa cruz’s is mostly

woods you make one wrong turn and you’re

gone for days but I didn’t know who I

was or what I was gonna do with my life

when I finished college and I wasn’t any

clearer about my direction than the day

I graduated high school I wore

Birkenstocks and I smelled like a

patchouli fart and I’m only willing to

admit that now that Birkenstocks are

sold at Urban Outfitters and then during

senior year my father asked me what I

plan to do after I graduated and I told

him I want to be on Saturday Night Live

that’s true but it wasn’t until that

moment I never wanted to admit that

being on SNL was my dream I never wanted

to admit that I was a thespian

and this was back in the days when

people were not talking about being

thespians it was before thespians could

marry and my dad did what any great

teacher would do he looked at me unfazed

and said great and how do you plan to

support yourself while you figure that

out and when are you going to wash your

feet

he was realistic supportive deflected

the responsibility back to me and subtly

showed his support for his daughter’s

pursuit of a long life in fart jokes so

I did what many of you will probably do

I enrolled in more College and asked my

dad to pay for it at The Groundlings

theater in Los Angeles

I studied improvisation and in

improvisation

there is one hard and fast rule and that

rule is known as yes and the term yes

and to say yes and not just yes but to

add information so in the adding of

information you don’t negate the other

person’s idea but in fact you build on

it so it’s like this if I’m in a scene

with you profess president Fitz and you

say hey you’re Oprah Winfrey and I say

no I’m not

then our scene would be over but

President Fitz if you say hey Europa

went free and I say yes I am and today

[Music]

class of 2015 look under your seats

because you are all eating here today

with a college diploma

you get a diploma you get a diploma you

get a diploma and you sir you get a

diploma we’re all getting just lost my

hat on that bit so if I could give my 21

year old self any advice it would be to

take as many bikini photos as you can

now because your body is smoking hot and

let me tell you something it will not be

this bangin after childbirth but

seriously if I could give my 21 year old

self the advice I’m giving you today and

if I had a time machine well if I had a

time machine then I would go back in

time and I would probably invent the

iPhone because I think I could make a

ton of money but if I must give any of

you advice it would be this say yes say

yes say yes and and create your own

destiny so hold on to your old friends

kiss your mama admit what your dreams

are don’t beat yourself up if you don’t

know what you’re gonna do tomorrow but

work hard and don’t be lazy and put away

your damn iPhone once in a while

and also be nice to jerks because we

still don’t know the criteria for

getting into heaven yet now go make your

parents proud and figure out how to end

global warming I love you class of 2015

now one more thing if you would indulge

me since we are in the Superdome would

you mind rising one more time for the

national anthem it’s my turn

[Music]

do what

sober ah last blaming the Hoos Barradas

to right and right all right I owe the

ramrods we watched

and the Rockets red glare the bombs

bursting up in the air give a little bit

of poof through the night yeah yep yeah

yeah yeah it’s one two knees dachshund

you’re out I will baby

buy me some peanuts and area boned Rex

I don’t care if because if you’re like

in the net amount of rating on it

said if you don’t get the news in a

better ring on it nobody man could you

see that he would it cuz if you like it

end up in the ring I woke up in the

kitchen saying how did this happen

[Applause]

[Music]

the each other or to the a to the e to

the V to thee

[Laughter]

play ball congratulations class of 2015

[Applause]

you