The Umbrella Man Learn English through story

the umbrella man

a funny story by roald dahl

i’m going to tell you about a funny

thing

that happened to my mother and me

yesterday evening

i am 12 years old and i’m a girl

my mother is 34 but i’m nearly as tall

as her already

yesterday afternoon my mother took me up

to london to see the dentist

he found one hole it was in a back

tooth and he filled it without hurting

me too much

after that we went to a cafe

i had a banana split and my mother had a

cup of coffee

by the time we got up to leave it was

about

six o’clock when we came out of the cafe

it had started to rain we must get a

taxi

my mother said we were wearing ordinary

hats and coats

and it was raining quite hard

why don’t we go back into the cafe and

wait for it to stop

i said i wanted another of those banana

splits

they were gorgeous it isn’t going to

stop

my mother said we must get home

we stood on the pavement in the rain

looking for a taxi

lots of them came by but they all had

passengers inside them

i wish we had a car with a chauffeur

my mother said just then

a man came up to us he was a small man

and he was pretty old probably

70 or more he raised his hat politely

and said to my mother excuse me

i do hope you will excuse me

he had a fine white mustache and bushy

white eyebrows

and a wrinkly pink face

he was sheltering under an umbrella

which he held

high over his head yes

my mother said very cool and distant

i wonder if i could ask a small

favor of you he said

it is only a very small favor

i saw my mother looking at him

suspiciously

she is a suspicious person my mother

she is especially suspicious of two

things

strange men and boiled eggs

when she cuts the top off a boiled egg

she pokes around inside it with her

spoon

as though expecting to find a mouse or

something

with strange men she has a golden rule

which says the nicer the man

seems to be the more suspicious you must

become

[Music]

this little old man was particularly

nice

he was polite he was well spoken

he was well dressed he was a real

gentleman the reason i knew he was a

gentleman

was because of his shoes you can

always spot spotted gentleman by the

shoes he wears

was another of my mother’s favorite

sayings

this man had beautiful brown shoes

the truth of the matter is the little

man was saying

i’ve got myself into a bit of a scrape

i need some help not bring down much i

assure you

it’s almost nothing in fact but i do

need it you see madame

old people like me often become terribly

forgetful

my mother’s chin was up and she was

staring down at him

along the full length of her nose

it was a fearsome thing this frosty

nosed stare of my mother’s

most people go to pieces completely when

she gives it to them

i once saw my own head mistress begin to

stammer and

simple like an idiot when my mother gave

her a really

foul frosty nose but the little man on

the pavement

with the umbrella over his head didn’t

bat an

eyelid he gave a gentle smile

and said i beg you to believe madam

that i am not in the habit of stopping

is in the street and

telling them my troubles i should hope

not my mother said

i felt quite embarrassed by my mother’s

sharpness

i wanted to say to her oh mummy for

heaven’s sake he’s a very very old man

and he’s sweet and polite and he’s in

some sort of trouble

so don’t be so beastly to him

but i didn’t say anything

the little man shifted his umbrella from

one hand to the other

i’ve never forgotten it before he said

you’ve never forgotten what my mother

asked sternly

my wallet he said

i must have left it in my other jacket

isn’t that the silliest thing to do

are you asking me to give you money

my mother said oh could

gracious mean no he cried

heaven forbid i should ever do that

then what are you asking my mother said

do hurry up we’re getting soaked to the

skin here

i know you are he said

and that is why i’m offering you this

umbrella of mine to protect you

and to keep forever if

if only if only what

my mother said if only you would give me

in return a pound for my taxi fare just

to get me home

my mother was still suspicious

if you had no money in the first place

she said then how did you get here

i walked he answered

every day i go for a lovely long walk

and then i summon a taxi to take me home

i do it every day of the year why don’t

you walk home

now my mother asked

oh i wish i could he said

i do wish i could but i don’t think i

could manage it on these silly old legs

of mine

i’ve gone too far already

my mother stood there chewing her lower

lip

she was beginning to melt a bit i could

see that

and the idea of getting an umbrella to

shelter under

must have tempted her a good deal

it’s a lovely umbrella the little man

said so i’ve noticed

my mother said it’s silk

he said i can see that

then why don’t you take it madam he said

it cost me over 20 pounds i promise you

but that’s of no importance so long as i

can get home

and rest these old legs of mine

i saw my mother’s hand feeling for the

clasp of her purse

she saw me watching her i was giving her

one of my

own frosty nosed looks this time

and she knew exactly what i was telling

her

now listen mummy i was telling her

you simply mustn’t take advantage of a

tired old man in this way it’s a rotten

thing to do

my mother paused and looked back at me

then she said to the little man i

don’t think it’s quite right but i

should take an umbrella from you worth

20 pounds i think i’d better just

give you the taxi fare and be done with

it

no no no he cried it’s

out of the question i wouldn’t dream of

it not in a million years

i would never accept money from you like

that

take the umbrella dear lady and

keep the rain off your shoulders

my mother gave me a triumphant sideways

look

there you are she was telling me you’re

wrong

he wants me to have it

she fished into her purse and took out a

pound note

she held it out to the little man he

took it

and handed her the umbrella he pocketed

the pound

raised his hat gave a quick bow from the

waist

and said thank you madam thank you

then he was gone come under here and

keep

dry my mother darling my mother said

aren’t we lucky i’ve never had a silk

umbrella before

i couldn’t afford it why were you so

horrid to him in the beginning i asked

i wanted to satisfy myself he wasn’t a

trickster

she said and i did he was a gentleman

i’m very pleased i was able to help him

yes mommy i said a real

gentleman she went on wealthy too

otherwise he wouldn’t have had a silk

umbrella

i shouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t a

titled person

sir harry goldsworthy or something like

that

yes mummy this will be a good lesson to

you

she went on never rush things

always take your time when you’re

summing someone up

they never make mistakes

there he goes i said look

where over there he’s crossing the

street

goodness mommy what a hurry he’s in

we watched the little man as he dodged

nimbly

in and out of the traffic when he

reached the other side of the street

he turned left walking very fast

he doesn’t look very tired to me was he

to you mommy

my mother didn’t answer he doesn’t look

as though he’s trying to get a taxi

either

i said my mother was standing very still

and stiff

staring across the street at the little

man

we could see him clearly he was in a

terrific

hurry he was bustling along the pavement

sidestepping the other pedestrians and

swinging his arms

like a soldier on the march

he’s up to something my mother said

stoney-faced but what

i don’t know my mother snapped but i’m

going to find out

come with me she took my arm

and we crossed the street together then

we turned left

can you see him my mother asked

yes there he is he’s turning right

down the next street he came to the

corner

and turned right the little man was

about 20 yards ahead of us

he was scuttling along like a rabbit and

we had to walk very fast to keep up with

him

the rain was pelting down harder than

ever now

and i could see it dripping from the

brim of his hat onto his shoulders

but we were snug and dry under our

lovely big

silk umbrella what

is he up to my mother said

what if he turns round and sees us i

asked

i don’t care if he does my mother said

he lied to us he said he was too

tired to walk any further and he’s

practically running us off our feet

he’s a bare-faced liar he’s a crook

you mean he’s not a title gentleman

i asked be quiet she said

at the next crossing the little man

turned right again

then he turned left then right

i’m not giving up now my mother said

he’s disappeared i cried

where’s he gone he went in that door

my mother said i saw him into that house

great heavens it’s a pub

it was a pub in big letters right across

the front it said

the red lion you’re not going in

are you mommy no she said

we’ll watch from outside

there was a big plate glass window along

the front of the pub

and although it was a bit steamy on the

inside we could see through it very well

if we went close

we stood huddled together outside the

pub window

i was clutching my mother’s arm the big

raindrops were making a loud noise on

our umbrella

there he is i said over there

the room we were looking into was full

of people

and cigarette smoke and our little man

was in the middle of it all

he was now without his hat and coat and

he was edging his way

through the crowd towards the bar

when he reached her he placed both hands

on the bar itself

and spoke to the barman i saw his lips

moving as he gave his order

the barman turned away from him for a

few seconds

and came back with a smallish tumbler

filled to the brim

with light brown liquid the little man

placed a pound note on the counter

that’s my pound my mother hissed

by golly he’s got a nerve

what’s in the glass i asked

whiskey my mother said

neat whiskey the barman didn’t give him

any change from the pound that must be a

treble whiskey my mommy said

what’s a treble i asked

three times the normal measure

she answered the little man

picked up the glass and put it to his

lips

he tilted it gently then he tilted it

higher and higher and higher

and very soon all the whiskey had

disappeared down his throat in one

long pour that

jolly expensive drink i said

it’s ridiculous my mummy said

fancy paying a pound for something to

swallow in one go

it cost him more than a pound i said

it cost him a 20 pound silk umbrella

so it did my mother said

he must be mad

the little man was standing by the bar

with the empty glass in his hand

he was smiling now and a sort of

golden glow of pleasure was spreading

over

his round pink face i saw his tongue

come out to lick the white moustache

as though searching for one last drop of

that precious whiskey

slowly he turned away from the bar and

edged his way back through the crowd

to where his hat and coat were hanging

he put on his hat

he put on his coat then

in a manner so superbly cool and casual

that you hardly noticed anything at all

he lifted from the coat rack

one of the many wet umbrellas hanging

there

and off he went did you

see that my mother shrieked

did you see he did shh

i whispered he’s coming out

we lowered our umbrella to hide our

faces

and peered out from under it out he came

but he never looked in our direction he

opened his new umbrella over his head

and scurried off down the road the way

he had come

so that’s his little game

my mother said neat

i said super

we followed him back to the main street

where we had first met him

and we watched him as he proceeded with

no

trouble at all to exchange his new

umbrella

for another pound note this time

it was with a tall thin fellow who

didn’t even have a coat or hat

and as soon as the transaction was

completed our little man

trotted off down the street and was lost

in the crowd

but this time he went in the opposite

direction

you see how clever he is

my mother said he never goes to the same

pub twice

he could go on doing this all night i

said

yes my mother said of course

but i’ll bet he prays like mad for rainy

days