Sweethearts Learn English through story level 4

chapter one

the early years

the morel family lived in the village of

bestwood in a house built by the mining

company for its employees

gertrude morell was 31 years old and had

been married for eight years

her husband walter was a coal miner

there were two children

william a boy of seven

and annie who was only five

mrs morrell was expecting her third baby

in two months time

they could not afford to have this third

she did not want it

its father spent most of his free time

drinking in the pub

she had no respect for him but she was

tied to him

she was sick of it

this struggle with poverty and ugliness

and dirt

gertrude morel was from a nottingham

family educated church-going people

her father was an unsuccessful engineer

she had her mother’s small well-made

figure and her father’s clear blue eyes

when she was 23 years old she met at a

christmas party a young man of 27.

walter had shining black wavy hair and a

black beard

he laughed often and heartily with a

rich ringing laugh

he was quick in his movements an

excellent dancer

he was so open and pleasant with

everybody

gertrude who was not pleasure loving

like walter had never met anyone like

him

his body burned with a soft golden flame

a flame of life

and seemed to her something wonderful

walter morrell was equally impressed by

gertrude

her blue eyes her soft brown curls

a beautiful smile

she spoke in an educated way

she had the manners of a lady

the next christmas they were married and

for three months she was perfectly happy

she admired him for being a minor

risking his life daily

sometimes when she herself was tired of

love talk she tried to open her heart

seriously to him

he listened to her respectfully

but without understanding

she realized that she could not share

her deeper thoughts and ideas with him

instead

he took pleasure in making and mending

doing little jobs around the

house her first big shock was when she

found that the bills for their new

furniture were not yet paid

and that he did not own their house as

he had told her but was paying rent

and too higher rent for it then

he began to be rather late coming home

they’re working very late these days

aren’t they

she said to a neighbor

no later than they always do

she answered

but they stopped to have a drink at the

pub and then they get talking dinner’s

stone cold and it’s just what they

deserve

but mr morell doesn’t drink

the woman looked hard at mrs morrell

then went on with her work

saying nothing

mrs morrell was very ill when the first

boy was born

morrell was good to her

but she felt very lonely

miles away from her own people

when her husband was with her

it made the loneliness worse

the child was small and weak at first

but he quickly grew strong

he was a beautiful baby

with dark golden curls and dark blue

eyes

which gradually changed to a clear grey

he came just when her disappointment was

at its greatest

and her life seemed most empty

she gave all her attention to her child

and the father was jealous

while the baby was still small

it often annoyed morel

and sometimes he hit it

then

mrs morrell hated her husband for days

feeling unloved morel went out and drank

on his return she greeted him with

fierce stinging remarks about his

drinking

morel

always rose early about five or six

even on a holiday

on sunday morning he usually got up and

prepared breakfast

the child rose with his father while the

mother lay resting for another hour or

so

william was now one year old and his

mother was proud of him

he was so

pretty

one sunday morning mrs morrell lay

listening to the two of them talking

below

then she fell asleep

when she came downstairs there was a big

fire burning and breakfast was laid

morel sat in his armchair looking rather

shame-faced

the child stood between his legs

his head of hair cut short like a sheep

and on a newspaper spread out in front

of the fire

lay williams golden curls

shining in the fire light

mrs morrell stood quite still

and went very white

so

what do you think of him laughed morell

a little guiltily

she came forward ready to hit him

i could kill you i could

she said

so angry she could hardly speak

she picked up the child

buried her face in his shoulder

and cried painfully

morel sat looking at the fire in shock

later she said she had been silly

the boy’s hair had to be cut sooner or

later

but she remembered this event for the

rest of her life

before she had wanted to bring her

husband closer to her

from now on he was an outsider

this made her life easier to accept

the pity was

she was too much his opposite

in trying to make him better than he was

she destroyed him

the morels were poor

morel was expected to give his wife 30

shillings a week to pay for everything

rent food clothes insurance doctors

sometimes it was a little more

more often less

on friday night and saturday and sunday

morel spent freely mostly on beer

he rarely gave william an extra penny or

a pound of apples

one public holiday he decided to walk to

nottingham with jerry purdy one of his

drinking companions

they spent most of the day visiting pubs

mrs morrell had stayed at home all day

working in the house

in the evening morrell returned kicking

open the garden gate and breaking the

lock

he entered the kitchen unsteadily and

nearly upset a bowl of boiling liquid

which was cooling on the table

god help us coming home in his

drunkenness

cried mrs morrell

coming home in his what

shouted her husband his hat over one eye

say you’re not drunk

she insisted

only and nasty old cats like you could

have such a thought

answered morel

you’ve been drinking all day

so if you’re not drunk by 11 o’clock at

night

she replied

we know well enough what you do when you

go out with your beautiful jerry

there’s money to drink with

if there’s money for nothing else

i’ve not spent two shillings all day

he said

well

if jerry’s been buying your drinks tell

him to spend his money on his children

they need it

and what about your own children

you can’t afford to keep them can you

what’s it got to do with you he shouted

got to do with me

why

a lot

you give me just 25 shillings to do

everything with

you go off drinking all day

come rolling home at midnight it’s a lie

it’s a lie shut your face woman

the quarrel got fiercer and fiercer

each forgot everything except their

hatred of the other

she was just as angry as he

you’re a liar

he shouted

banging on the table with his hand

you’re a liar

you’re a liar

all the dislikes she felt for him now

came pouring out

you’re nothing but dirt in this house

she cried

and get out of it

it’s mine

it’s me who brings the money home not

you to get out

get out

and i would

she cried in tears at her own

powerlessness

i would have gone

long ago

but for those children

do you think i stay for you

he came up to her and held her arms

tightly

she cried out struggling to be free

he took her roughly to the outside door

and pushed her out of the house banging

the door shut and locking it behind her

then he sank exhausted into a chair

and soon lost consciousness

she stood for a few moments staring

helplessly in the august night

her body shaking

remembering the unborn child inside her

the darkness was full of the sweet smell

of flowers

there was no noise anywhere then a train

rushed across the valley miles away

she went to the back door and tried to

handle

it was still locked

through the window she could just see

her husband’s head on the table and his

arms spread out

she knocked on the window more and more

loudly

but still he did not wake

fearful for the unborn child she walked

up and down the garden path to keep warm

knocking every now and then on the

window

telling herself that in the end he must

wait

at last

he heard the knocking and woke up

open the door

walter she said coldly

realizing what he had done

he hurried to unlock the door

as mrs morrell entered she saw him

disappearing shame-facedly up the stairs

when at last she herself went to bed

morell was already asleep

chapter two

the birth of paul

before the baby was born mrs morrell

cleaned the house from top to bottom

when morel got home one evening

the child had already arrived

the delivery nurse met him in the

kitchen

your wife is in a bad way

it’s a boy child

he hung up his coat

and then dropped into his chair

have you got a drink

he asked

the nurse brought him one

then without a word served him his

dinner and went back upstairs

he ate his meal

sat for 20 minutes

made up the fire

and then

unwillingly went up to the bedroom

his face was still black and sweaty as

he stood at the end of the bed

well

how are you then

he asked

i shall be all right

she answered

it’s a boy

she turned down the blanket

and showed him the baby

he pretended to be pleased

but she knew he was not much interested

he wanted to kiss her

but he did not dare

so he left the room

mrs morrell sat looking at her baby

and the baby looked up at her

it had blue eyes like her own

which seemed to bring out her most

secret thoughts

she no longer loved her husband

she had not wanted this child

and there it lay in her arms and pulled

at her heart

a wave of hot love went out of her

towards the child

she held it close to her face and breast

it had come into the world unloved

she would love it all the more

now it was here

during these months morel got angry at

the slightest thing

he seemed exhausted by his work

he complained if the fire was low or his

dinner was not to his liking

if the children made a noise he shouted

at them in a way that made their

mother’s blood boil

they hated him and his bad tender

goodness me man

there isn’t a bit of peace while you’re

in the house

said mrs morrell at last

i know that

you’re never happy till i’m out of your

sight

he answered

and hurried to escape

he was still not home by 11 o’clock

finally she heard him coming

he had taken his revenge

he was drunk

is there nothing to eat in the house

he asked roughly

you know what there is

she said coldly

he leaned unsteadily on the table

and pulled at the table drawer to get a

knife to cut bread

the drawer stuck

so he pulled harder

it flew right out and spoons forks

knives fell all over the floor

the baby woke at the noise

what are you doing you drunken fool

the mother cried

in trying to fit the draw back in

it fell hurting his leg

in his anger he picked it up and threw

it at his wife

one of the corners hit her above the eye

blood ran into her eye

and red drops fell on the baby’s blanket

did it hit you ask morel

bending over her unsteadily

go away

let me look at it woman

she smelled the drink on his breath

and weakly pushed him away

he stood staring at her

what has it done to you dear

he asked

you can see what it’s done

she answered

mrs morrell would not let him touch her

she cleaned the wound herself and went

upstairs

telling him to mend the fire and lock

the door

it was her own fault

he told himself afterwards

having heard her

he hated her

by the following wednesday he had no

money left

he looked inside his wife’s purse when

she was in the garden with the baby

and took a sixpence

the next day mrs morrell found the money

missing

and was sure he had taken it

when he had had his dinner

she said to him coldly

did you take sixpence from my purse last

night

although he denied it

she knew he was lying

so you steal sixpence from my purse

while i’m bringing the washing in

she said accusingly

i’ll make you pay for this

answered morel

he got washed and went upstairs with a

determined expression on his face

soon afterwards he came down dressed

with his things tied up in an enormous

blue handkerchief

you see me again when you do

he said

it’ll be before i want to

his wife replied

at that

he marched out of the house with his

parcel

william and annie were surprised to find

their father gone

where’s he going to

asked william

i don’t know

said his mother

he’s taken his things wrapped up in a

handkerchief and he says he’s not coming

back

what shall we do

cried the boy an alarm

don’t worry

he won’t go far

but

if he doesn’t come back

said annie fearfully

she and william sat on the sofa

and burst into tears

when mrs morrell went to fetch coal from

the coal house at the end of the garden

she felt something hidden behind the

door

there

in the dark

was the big blue parcel

she laughed

and went back to the house

william and annie were crying again

because she had left them

silly babies

she said

go down to the coal house and look

behind the door

and then you’ll see how far he’s gone

off they went to look no longer worried

they went contentedly to bed

mrs morrell sat waiting

she was tired of him

tired to death

he had not even had the courage to take

his things further than the bottom of

the garden

at about nine o’clock he came in

looking guilty

she said nothing

he took off his coat

and sat down to take off his boots

you better fetch your things from the

coal house before you take your boots

off

she said quietly

you can thank your stars i’ve come back

tonight

he said

trying to impress her

he looked such a fool she was not even

angry with him

but her heart was bitter

because he had once been the man she

loved

to three

william takes the lead

some time later

laurel became seriously ill

his wife nursed him

and being strong

he soon recovered

he depended on her almost like a child

and she was more tolerant of him now

because she loved him less

instead

she turned for love and life to the

children

and he half accepted this

letting them take his place in her heart

when they sat together at night

he was restless

feeling a sort of emptiness

then he went off to bed

and she settled down to enjoy herself

alone

working

thinking

living

the baby paul hated to be touched by him

usually a quiet baby he went stiff in

his father’s arms and immediately

started to scream

he was a pale rather silent child

and his face often wore a worried or

puzzled expression

now

another baby was coming

the fruit of this time of peace between

the parents

this new baby was again a boy and they

called him arthur

he was very pretty

with a head of golden curls

and he loved his father from the first

hearing his father’s footsteps

he used to wave his arms and laugh

at the same time

william grew bigger and stronger and

more active

while poor

always rather slight

got thinner

and followed his mother around like a

shadow

when william was 13

his mother got him a job in the

cooperative society office

his father wanted him to become a minor

like himself

he’s not going down the mine

said mrs morrell

and there’s an end of it

if your mother put you in the mine at 12

it’s no reason why i should do the same

with my boy

she was very proud of her son

he was a clever boy with an open nature

and eyes of the clearest grey

he went to night school and trained as a

clerk

then he became a teacher at the night

school

he could run like the wind

when he was 12 he won first prize in a

race

he could jump higher and throw farther

than any boy in best would

william began to get ambitious

he gave all his money to his mother

he went about with the sons of

shopkeepers and the school teacher

he enjoyed all the social and sporting

life that best would offered

he also liked dancing

in spite of his mother

he was a great favorite with the ladies

and enjoyed telling paul about his

successes

about this time he began to study

with a friend of his he started to learn

french and latin and other things

he and fred simpson studied together

till midnight sometimes till one o’clock

soon he grew pale

and mrs morrell alarmed

begged him to take better care of his

health

when william was 19

he suddenly left the cooperative office

and got a job in nottingham

now he had 30 shillings a week instead

of 18

his mother and father were proud of him

it seemed that he was going to succeed

in life

williams stayed at his job in nottingham

for a year

he was studying hard but he still went

to all the dances and parties

then he was offered a position in london

at

pounds a year

they want me in lime street on monday

week mother he cried his eyes shining as

he read the letter

mrs morrell felt everything go silent

inside her

didn’t i tell you i could do it

think of me in london

and i can give you 20 pounds a year

mother

we shall all be rolling in money

she answered sadly

as the day of his departure came closer

she felt increasingly desperate

she loved him so much

now he was going away she felt that he

was going out of her heart

leaving her only pain and sadness

before he left he was just twenty

william burned his file of love letters

from his lady friends

then he went off to london

to start a new file

chapter 4

paul’s childhood

paul’s figure was rather small and

slight like his mother’s

his fair hair gradually became dark

brown

his eyes were gray

he was a pale quiet child

who seemed old for his years

he was sensitive to what other people

felt

especially his mother

when she was upset he understood

and could have no peace

about this time

the family moved to another house near

the top of a hill commanding a fine view

of the valley below

after dark

paul used to go out to play under the

street lamp with the other children of

their street

then when the miners stopped coming home

from the mine

he ran fearfully back to the kitchen

the lamp still burned

the fire shone red

mrs morrell sat alone

steam rose from the cooking pot

the dinner plate lay waiting on the

table

the whole room seemed to be waiting

waiting for the man who was sitting in

his cold dirt thinnerless a mile away

from home across the darkness

drinking himself drunk

when morrell did come home

everyone in the house kept quiet

because he was dangerous

he ate his food roughly

and when he had finished pushed all the

pots away to lay his head and arms on

the table

then he went to sleep

heavy with beer and tiredness

and bad temper

morel was shut out from family events

no one told him anything

he was an outsider

the only times he entered family life

when he found jobs to do around the

house

sometimes in the evening he mended boots

or the kettle

or the metal bottle for cold tea which

he took every day to the mine

then he always wanted helpers

and the children enjoyed helping him

he loved telling young arthur stories

about the little horses that the miners

used down in the mine

but these happy evenings only took place

if morrell had some job to do

then he always went to bed early

the children felt safe when their father

was in bed

mrs morrell had given most of her

attention to william

but when he went to work in nottingham

and was not so much at home

she made a companion of paul

the two brothers were a little jealous

of each other

but at the same time they were good

friends

friday night was baking night and market

night because the wages were paid on

fridays

it was the rule that paul should stay at

home and watch the bread in the oven

loved to be by himself and draw or read

he was very fond of drawing

mrs morrell enjoyed her marketing

the marketplace was always full of women

she usually quarreled with the cloth

seller

chatted with the fruit man

laughed with the fish man

was coldly polite to the man selling

pots

but this time

a little dish decorated with blue

flowers caught her eye

he told her it cost seven pence

she put the dish down and walked away

suddenly the pot man shouted

do you want it for five prince

she was surprised

she bent down and picked up the dish

i’ll have it

she said

paul was waiting for her

he loved her homecoming

she was always at her best

tired happy

weighed down with parcels

she dropped her parcels and her string

bag on the table

is the bread done

she asked going to the oven

the last one is baking

he replied

you needn’t look

i haven’t forgotten it

how much do you think i bought this for

she said taking the dish out of his

newspaper wrapping

one shilling and thrippance

said paul

five pence

the two stood together admiring the dish

she unfolded another piece of newspaper

and showed him some little flowering

plants

fourpence for these

how cheap

he cried

yes

but i couldn’t afford it this week of

all weeks

yet she was full of satisfaction

they were very poor that autumn

william had just gone to london and his

mother missed his money

he sent ten shillings once or twice

but he had many expenses

he wrote to his mother regularly once a

week

he told her all his doings

how he made friends

how he was enjoying london

all day long as she cleaned the house

she thought of him

he was in london

he would do well

william was coming home at christmas for

five days

there had never been such preparations

paul and arthur decorated the kitchen

with green leaves

annie made pretty strings of coloured

paper

mrs morrell baked a special fruitcake

a big rice cake

little cheesecakes

everything was decorated

a great fire burned

the smell of fresh baking filled the

kitchen

william was due at seven o’clock

but he was late

the children had gone to the station to

meet him

morel sat in his armchair full of

nervous excitement

and mrs morrell quietly went on with her

baking

neither one spoke

they waited

and waited

at last there was the sound of voices

and footsteps

he’s here

cried morrell jumping up

the door burst open and william came in

he dropped his bag and took his mother

in his arms

for two seconds no longer

she held him

and kissed him

then she stood back and trying to be

normal said

but how late you are

aren’t i

he cried

turning into his father

well dad

well my boy

marelle’s eyes were wet

we thought you were never coming

the two men shook hands

everything’s just as it was

said william looking round

everybody was still for a second

then he leaned forward picked up a newly

baked biscuit

and put it whole into his mouth

he had brought them endless presents

every penny he had he had spent on them

for his mother there was an umbrella

with gold on the handle

which he kept till her dying day

there were pounds of wonderful sweets

quite unknown in bestwood

everybody in the family was mad with

happiness

people came in to see william

to see what a difference london had made

to him

they all found him

such a gentleman

such a fine young man

i word

when he went away again

the children were in tears

morel took himself off to bed

and mrs morrell did all her housework

mechanically

robbed of all feeling for days

chapter five

paul faces life

morel was careless of danger

about a year after william went to

london and just after paul had left

school before he got work

a great piece of rock fell on morel’s

leg when he was working in the mine

and broke it in several places

he had a very bad time in hospital

for a week he was in a serious condition

then he began to mend

knowing that he was going to recover

the family began to worry less

and to be happy again

mrs morrell talked to paul almost as if

she was thinking aloud

and he listened as best he could

in the end she shared almost everything

with him

together they learned how perfectly

peaceful the home could be

paul was now 14 years old and looking

for work

his face had lost its boyish roundness

and was rather rough looking

but very expressive

he was quite a clever painter for a boy

of his age

and he knew some french german and

mathematics

he was not strong enough for hard

physical work his mother said

he did not care for making things with

his hands

but preferred going for country walks

or reading

or painting

what do you want to be

his mother asked

he had no idea

anything

that’s no answer

said mrs morrell

but it was the only answer he could give

then you must look in the paper for

advertisements

said his mother

he copied out some advertisements and

took them to her

yes

she said

you may try

he used a letter which william had

prepared for him to write to the

different companies offering jobs

his handwriting was terrible

william rode from london in a kind of

fever

he seemed unsettled by the speed of his

new life

his mother could feel him losing himself

he wrote of dances

and going to the theater

of boats on the river of going out with

friends

but she knew he sat up afterwards in his

cold bedroom studying latin and learning

all he could about the law

because he wanted to improve himself

he never sent his mother any money now

it was all taken the little he had for

his own life

mrs morrell still dreamed of william and

what he could do

but in her heart

she was worried

he also wrote a lot now about a girl he

had met at a dance

lilly weston

his pet name for her was gypsy

she was young

beautiful

very well dressed

and much admired by men

his mother congratulated him in her

doubtful fashion

she imagined him tied to an expensive

wife

and very likely an old silly

she told herself

expecting the worst

but the worry remained

that william would do the wrong thing

soon paul was asked to go for an

interview at thomas jordan maker of

medical appliances at 21 spaniel road

nottingham

mrs morrell was delighted

you see

she cried her eyes shining

you’ve only written four letters and the

third is answered

i always said you were lucky

paul looked at the picture of the wooden

leg wearing an elastic stocking that

appeared on mr jordan’s notepaper

he had not known that elastic stockings

existed

mother and son set off one very hot

morning in august

paul felt extremely nervous but he

refused to tell his mother

and she only partly guessed

they traveled the 16 miles to nottingham

by train

mother and son walked down station

street

feeling the excitement of lovers sharing

an adventure

they turned up a narrow street that led

to the castle

and found the thomas jordan sign

they went through a big doorway into an

open space full of boxes and packing

stuff

and up two lots of stairs

in front of them was a dirty glass door

with the company name on it

mrs morrell pushed open the door

and stood in pleased surprise

they were in a large workshop

with thick paper parcels piled

everywhere

and clarks with their sleeves rolled up

calmly going about their business

can i see mr jordan

she asked one of the clerks

i’ll fetch him

answered the young man

and went to a glass office at the far

end of the room

a red-faced old man with white hair came

towards them

he had short legs

and was rather fat

they followed him to his office and were

told to sit down

did you write this letter

he asked paul holding it up

yes

he answered

where did you learn to write

paul simply looked at him

too ashamed and nervous to speak

and you say you know french

ask the little man sharply

a friend gave him lessons

said mrs morrell quickly

mr jordan hesitated

then pulled a sheet of paper from his

pocket and passed it to paul

read that

he said

it was a letter in french in strange

spidery foreign handwriting

which was very difficult to read

paul struggled with the words

please

send me

two pairs

of gray

cotton stockings

without fingers without chose

the factory owner corrected him

stockings don’t have fingers

paul hated the little man for making him

look stupid

when can he start mr jordan asked his

mother

it was agreed that paul would be

employed as a junior clerk at eight

shillings a week

as he followed his mother down the

stairs on their way out

she looked at him with her blue eyes

full of delighted love

on the monday morning

paul got up at six to be ready for work

he had bought his season ticket for the

train at a cost of one pound eleven

shillings

and his mother had packed his dinner in

a small basket

she stood in the road watching him as he

crossed the fields to the station

now she had two sons in the world

one in london

and one in nottingham

they came from her

and their work would also be hers

all morning she thought of paul

at the factory

paul was told to work with mr

pattleworth

an amusing man who was about 36 years

old

appleworth showed him what to do

they had to read the letters ordering

different appliances

note down each order in a big book

write out the exact details on a yellow

order paper

and take the order to one of the

departments to be made

most of the orders were for elastic

stockings or bandages

later he was introduced to polly and the

girls downstairs

and then fanny and the girls upstairs

at one o’clock paul at his dinner and

then he went out into the brightness and

freedom of the streets until two

in the afternoon

there was not very much to do

at five o’clock all the men went

downstairs and had tea after tea

the gas lights were lit

paul had done his paperwork

and now he had to pack up the finished

goods in parcels

writing the address and putting the

right stamps on each one

at last he was free to grab his dinner

basket and run to the station in time

for the 820 train

his day in the factory

was exactly 12 hours long

he did not get home that evening till 20

past nine

he was pale and tired

but his mother saw that he was rather

pleased

he told her everything

all he had seen

all he thought

every detail of the experience

so the time passed happily enough

the factory was a friendly place

nobody was rushed or driven too hard and

every friday night he put his eight

shillings proudly on the kitchen table

then he told his mother the happenings

of the day

it was almost as if it was her own life

chapter 6

death in the family

arthur morrell was growing up

he was quick and careless rather like

his father

he hated study and hard work

he was the flower of the family

a well-made boy with fair hair

fresh coloring

and wonderful dark blue eyes

he had a quick temper and thought only

of himself

he loved his mother

but she got tired of him sometimes

he had loved his father and morel still

thought the world of him but now

arthur had come to hate him

his father’s manners in the home got

worse and worse

when they got too much for him

arthur used to jump up and leave the

house he got so bad tempered that when

he won a place at the grammar school in

nottingham

his mother sent him to live with one of

her sisters

and so he only came home at weekends

annie was a junior teacher at best wood

school

earning about four shillings a week

but soon she would get 15 shillings

because she had passed her examination

that would make the financial situation

in the home a bit easier

william was now engaged to his girl

and had bought her an engagement ring

he wanted to bring her home at christmas

this time

william arrived with the lady

but with no presence

mrs morrell had prepared supper

he kissed his mother hurriedly and then

stood back to introduce a tall handsome

young woman

very fashionably dressed

here’s jip

miss weston held out her hand and showed

her teeth in a small smile

oh

how do you do mrs morrell

she said i’m afraid you will be hungry

said mrs morrell

oh no

we had dinner in the train

she looked round the kitchen

it seemed small and curious to her

with the green leaves decorating the

pictures and the rough little table

annie showed her up to the front bedroom

where the parents usually slept

and returned to fetch hot water

after half an hour miss weston came down

wearing another fine dress

morel pressed her to take his arm chair

beside the fire

the three children sat round in silent

admiration

at ten o’clock she shook hands all round

and departed to bed led by william

in five minutes he was downstairs again

but he talked very little until he was

alone with his mother

his heart was rather sore

he did not know why

well mother

do you like her

yes

came the cautious reply

she’s not like you mother

she’s not serious

and she can’t think

her mother died when she was a child

she’s had no love

i know she seems shallow

you have to forgive her a lot of things

you mustn’t judge too quickly

said mrs morrell

but william remained uncomfortable

within himself

lily continued to play the fine lady

she sat and let annie or paul act as her

servants

and yet she was not so fine

for a year now she had been some sort of

secretary or clerk in a london office

at easter

william came home alone

and he discussed lily endlessly with his

mother

you know mother

when i’m away from her

i don’t care for her a bit

but then

when i’m with her in the evenings

i’m awfully fond of her

it’s a strange sort of love to marry on

said mrs morrell

if she holds you no more than that

paul’s wages have been increased at

christmas to 10 shillings a week

he was quite happy at jordan’s

but his health suffered from the long

hours and the bad air

his mother wanted to help

his half day holiday was on monday

afternoon

at breakfast one monday in may

mrs morrell told paul that her friend

mrs levers had invited them to visit her

at their new farm

it was agreed that mother and son would

go that afternoon

a four mile walk

they set off in style

mrs morrell with the umbrella william

had given her because of the sun

after walking for a long time

they finally came to a group of low red

farm buildings

there were apple trees and a pool with

ducks

some cows stood under the trees

as they entered the garden

a girl appeared in the doorway of the

house

she was about 14

with short dark curls and dark eyes

she disappeared

in a minute another figure appeared

a small woman

also with great dark brown eyes

oh

she said smiling

you’ve come then

i am glad to see you

she introduced the girl with the dark

curls as her daughter miriam

the four of them had tea together

then they went out for a walk in the

wood

both mother and son were thrilled by the

beauty of the place

when they got back to the house they

found mr levers and edgar the eldest son

in the kitchen

edgar was about 18.

then the two younger boys came in from

school

the boys all went outside and played

games

miriam watched but did not join in

she was very shy

finally it was time for the morels to go

home

mr and mrs levers walked over the fields

with them for part of the way

paul was carrying a great bunch of

flowers mrs levers had given them

the hills were golden with evening

everywhere was perfectly still

mrs morrell and paul went on alone

together

wasn’t it lovely mother

he said quietly

he felt almost painfully happy

william came home again with his young

lady for a week’s holiday

there was a feeling of sadness and

tenderness in the house while they were

there

but william often got annoyed

for an eight days stay lily had brought

five dresses and six blouses

oh

could you please wash these two blouses

and these other things

she said to annie

and annie stayed washing while william

and lily went out

this made mrs morrell extremely angry

william read a lot and had a quick

active mind

but lily found reading difficult

she understood nothing but lovemaking

and social chat

she could not give him real

companionship

she wants to get married

he told his mother

and

i think we might get married next year

a fine mess of a marriage it would be

answered his mother

i should consider it again my boy

nothing is as bad as a failed marriage

i was bad enough god knows

i couldn’t give her up now

said william

well

remember

there are worse wrongs than breaking off

an engagement

before he left

william remarked to his mother

gyps very fond of me now

but if i die

she’ll forget me in three months

mrs morrell was afraid her heart beat

wildly hearing the bitterness in her

son’s words

he came home again in october

this time also alone

he was thinner than ever

he was doing extra work

trying to make some money to get married

with

on the sunday morning as he was putting

his collar on he showed his mother an

ugly red mark under his chin

three days after he left

a telegram came from london

saying that he was ill

mrs morrell read the telegram borrowed

some money put on her best clothes and

set off

it was six o’clock when she arrived at

william’s address

how is he

she asked the house owner

no better

she told her

william lay on the bed his eyes read his

face discolored

there was no fire in the room

no one had been with him

he looked at her

but did not see her

he was quite unconscious

how long has he been like this

asked mrs morrell

he got home at six o’clock on monday

morning and slept all day

the next morning he asked for you

so i sent you a telegram and fetched the

doctor

the doctor came again

it was a chest infection he said

and erysipelas

a rare skin disease

he hoped it would not get to the brain

mrs morrell settled down to nurse

at night she prayed for william

prayed that at least he would recognize

her

but his condition got rapidly worse

at two o’clock in the morning he died

mrs morrell sat perfectly still for an

hour in william’s bedroom

when day came

she sent a telegram

william died last night

let father come

bring money

morel had only once before been in

london

nervously he set off to help his wife

they returned to bestwood on saturday

night having walked from the station

in the house mrs morrell was white

and silent

all she said was

the coffin will be here tonight walter

you’d better arrange for some help

then turning to the children

we’re bringing him home

in the front room

morrell arranged six chairs opposite

each other for the coffin to stand on

at ten o’clock there was the noise of

wheels

arthur held one candle

annie another

outside in the darkness paul could see

horses a lamp

and a few pale faces

six miners in their shirt sleeves came

up the narrow garden path holding the

coffin high

steady steady

cried morrell

as if in pain

the six men struggled into the room with

the great wooden box

paul saw drops of sweat fall from his

father’s face onto the wooden top

at last

the family was alone in the room with

the great coffin

the mother was stroking the shining wood

oh my son

my son

she cried softly

oh my son my son

they buried him on the hillside that

looks over towards best wood

it was sunny

they laid a bunch of white flowers on

the warm earth

william had been right about lily

she wrote to mrs morrell at christmas

i was at a party last night

some charming people were there

i didn’t miss a single dance

after that

mrs morrell never heard from her again

then

on the 23rd of december

paul came home and gave his christmas

money to his mother with shaking hands

i feel bad mother

she undressed him and put him to bed

he had a serious chest infection the

doctor said

paul was very ill

his mother lay in bed with him at night

they could not afford a nurse

he grew worse

and the crisis approached

realizing how much his mother was

suffering

paul used all his willpower to hold on

to life

and finally he began to recover

he was in bed for seven weeks

and when he got up he was weak and pale

mrs morrell’s life now fixed itself on

paul

chapter seven

boy and girl love

paul went to willie farm many times

during the autumn

he made friends with the two younger

liver boys

edgar kept his distance at first

and miriam also did not let him approach

her

she was deeply romantic by nature

literature was important to her and

religion

she did not care much about being

beautiful

and in general she did not think highly

of the male sex

but she saw in poor a new type of male

quick and light

one who could be gentle and sad

who knew a lot

and who had had a death in the family

gradually he began to spend more time

with miriam

they had a common feeling for things in

nature

flowers trees and birds

she and her mother admired his paintings

and encouraged him

one dull afternoon when the others were

out

the girl said to him hesitating

have you seen the swing

no

he answered

where

come

she said

i’ll show you

in the cow house a great thick rope with

a seat on the end hung from the roof

paul sat down eager to try it

then immediately rose

come on then and have first go

he said to her

no

i won’t go first

she answered

you go

all right he said sitting down again

watch this

in a moment he was flying through the

air every bit of him swinging

diving like a bird in the pleasure of

movement

he looked down at her

her red woolen hat hung over her dark

curls

and her beautiful warm face was lifted

towards him

he gradually swung more slowly

and jumped off

this swings a real winner he cried

delightedly

miriam was amused that he took the swing

so seriously

don’t you want to try it

ask paul

well

not much

i’ll have just a little one

he held the seat steady for her

then started her moving

keep your feet up or you’ll hit the wall

she felt him catch her and push her

again and was afraid

again came his push at just the right

moment

huh

she laughed in fear

no higher

you’re not a bit high he complained but

no higher

he heard the fear in her voice and

stopped pushing

she felt sure he was going to push her

again

but no

he left her alone

she swung more slowly and got down

paul took her place and away he went

for a time he was nothing but a body

swinging in space

there was no part of him that did not

swing

she could never lose herself like that

later on they talked

she was very dissatisfied with her life

just because i’m a girl

why must i stay at home

why am i not allowed to do anything

what chance do i have

chance of what

of knowing anything

of learning

of doing anything

it’s not fair

just because i’m a woman

but it’s as good to be a woman as a man

said paul

is it

men have everything

but what do you want

he asked

i want to learn

why must i know nothing

you mean mathematics and french

yes

why can’t i learn mathematics she cried

her eyes widening

next time he went up to the farm

he found miriam cleaning the kitchen

ready to do some mathematics he asked

taking a little book from his pocket

but

he could see she was doubtful

you said you wanted to

he insisted

yes but tonight i wasn’t expecting it

however they made a start

paul taught miriam regularly

she had always studied the work from the

week before

but things came slowly to her

he got angry with her

felt ashamed

continued the lesson

got angry again

she listened in silence

she rarely protested

you don’t give me time to learn it

she was right

it was strange but no one else made him

so angry

when he saw her suffering

again he felt pity

his painting was improving

mr jordan had given him wednesday

afternoon off to go to the art school

he loved to sit at home alone with his

mother at night working and working

but when a drawing was finished he

always wanted to take it to miriam

the best wood library was open on

thursday evenings

paul and miriam were in the habit of

meeting there when they changed their

library books

afterwards paul often went part of the

way home with her

always when he went with miriam and it

got rather late

he knew his mother was worrying and

getting angry with him

she did not like miriam

she felt that the girl was leading paul

away from her

she will never let him become a man

she never will

she thought

so when he was away with miriam mrs

morrell got more and more annoyed

what are you so displeased about he

asked

is it because you don’t like her

i don’t say i don’t like her

but i don’t agree with young boys and

girls staying out late and never did

he kissed her

and went slowly to bed

he had forgotten miriam

he saw only that his mother was somehow

hurt

sometimes as they were walking together

miriam put her arms shyly into his

but he always disliked it

and she knew this

he himself did not know what was the

matter

he was so young

and their relationship was so unphysical

he did not know that he really wanted to

press her to his breast to reduce the

ache there

he was too ashamed to recognize the fact

that he might want her as a man once a

woman

neither of them could face such an idea

and the purity of their feelings

prevented even their first love kiss it

was as if she could scarcely accept the

shock of physical love

while he was too shy and sensitive to

give it

chapter 8

the battle of love

out of kindness to his mother

paul did not go much to willie farm for

a while

he sent two pictures to the autumn

exhibition of students work at the

castle museum

and both of them won first prizes

he was most excited

and his mother was enormously pleased

william had won sports prizes which she

still kept

she did not forgive his death

arthur now in the army was handsome warm

and generous

he would probably do well in the end

but paul was going to do something

important in life

she believed in him more firmly because

he himself did not seem to realize his

own capabilities

life for her was rich with promise

her struggle had not been for nothing

several times during the exhibition mrs

morrell went to the castle museum

unknown to paul

she wandered round the long room looking

at the other pictures

some made her jealous they were so good

then suddenly she had a shock that made

her heartbeat

there hung paul’s picture

named

paul morrell

first prize

she felt a proud woman when she passed

well-dressed ladies going home through

the park she thought to herself

yes

you look very fine

but i wonder if your son has two first

prizes in the exhibition

one day

paul met miriam in the street in

nottingham

he had not expected to meet her in town

she was walking with a rather impressive

young woman

fair-haired with a discontented

expression

who held herself boldly upright

it was strange how small miriam looked

beside this woman with the handsome

shoulders

miriam watched paul closely

his eyes were on the stranger

not on her

she explained that she had driven into

market with her father

i’ve told you about missy’s doors

she said nervously

clara

do you know paul

i think i’ve seen him before

replied missy’s doors showing little

interest as she shook hands

she had proud gray eyes

a skin like white honey and a full mouth

with a slightly lifted top lip

her clothes were simple and rather dull

clearly she was poor

and unlike miriam did not have much

taste

where have you seen me

asked paul

walking with louis travis

she replied

louis was one of the girls in the

factory

how do you know her

he asked

she did not answer

the two women moved on towards the

castle

paul remembered that clara was the

daughter of an old friend of mrs levers

she had once held one of the better jobs

at jordan’s and her husband baxter doors

still work there making metal parts

but mrs dawes was separated from her

husband and had taken up the cause of

women

people said she was clever

he knew baxter doors from work

a big well-built man of 31 or 2.

he had the same white skin as his wife

and a golden moustache

but his eyes moved continually this way

and that

he seemed to have little self-respect

usually he was rude and insulting

he and paul met often enough in the

factory

and disliked each other

clara doors had no children she now

lived with her mother

the next time miriam saw him she asked

what did you think of clara doors

she has a good figure

answered paul

but she doesn’t look very friendly

is she unpleasant as a person

i don’t think so

i think she’s discontented

still married to a man like baxter

what other things did you like about her

oh i don’t know

her passionate mouth

the shape of her throat

her skin

there’s something fierce about her

i think i’d like to do a painting of her

miriam seemed strangely lost in thought

you don’t really like her do you

he asked her

oh yes i do

she said

perhaps you like her because she’s so

much against men

paul was now 21.

mr jordan had put him in charge of the

department where he worked and had

increased his wages for 30 shillings a

week

at the art school he was studying design

he was also helping miriam to learn

french

on friday evenings when his father went

to the pub and his mother to the market

paul was left at home to wash the baking

of the bread

annie who is now engaged to be married

to leonard her young man was also out

visiting

at a quarter past seven there was a low

knock and miriam came in

he showed her his latest artwork and

corrected the french she had written for

him

this week she had done well

he loved to talk about his work with

miriam

all his passion went into these

conversations

somehow she lit up his imagination

aren’t you forgetting the bread

miriam said suddenly

paul rushed to open the oven door

out came bluish smoke

one loaf was hard as a brick

another was burned black along one side

paul tried to scratch off the burn part

then wrapped it in a wet towel and left

it in the back kitchen

they went back to their french until it

was time for miriam to go home

paul turned down the gas

and they set off

he did not get home again until a

quarter to 11.

his mother was in her chair reading the

local newspaper

annie was sitting in front of the fire

looking gloomy

the burnt loaf unwrapped

stood on the table

paul

felt very uncomfortable

for some minutes he sat pretending to

read

then

i forgot that bread mother

there was no answer from either woman

you don’t know how ill our mother is

said annie after a pause

why is she so ill

asked paul sharply

she could hardly get home

i found her white as anything sitting

here

said annie in a tearful voice

i had so many parcels

said mrs morrell

the meat and the vegetables and a pair

of curtains

let annie fetch the meat

said paul

but how was i to know

you were off with miriam instead of

being here when mother came

and what’s the matter with you

paul asked his mother

i suppose it’s my heart

she replied

she certainly looked bluish around the

mouth

and have you felt it before yes often

enough

and why haven’t you told me

and why haven’t you seen a doctor

you’d never notice anything

said annie

you’re too eager to be off with miriam

so that was why the bread was spoiled

said mrs morrell bitterly

no it was not

he replied angrily

i bought you a nice piece of cheese

said his mother

he was too angry to go and look for it

i don’t want anything

he said

if i want you to go out on a friday

night

you say you’re too tired

she complained but you’re never too

tired to go if she comes for you

i can’t let her go back alone

can’t you

then why does she come

because you want her

i do like to talk to her but i don’t

love her

paul explained

we talk about painting and books

you know you don’t care whether a

picture is decorative or not

how do you know i don’t care

oh you’re old mother and we’re young

he only meant that the interests of her

age group were not the interests of his

but the moment he had spoken he realized

that he had said the wrong thing

it was too painful

he realized that he was life to her

and after all she was the chief thing to

him

the only all-important thing

no mother i really don’t love her

i talked to her but i want to come home

to you

as he bent to kiss his mother she threw

her arms around his neck and cried in a

desperate voice quite unlike her own

it’s too much

i could let another woman but not her

and i’ve never

you know paul

i’ve never had a husband

not really

immediately he hated miriam bitterly

his mother kissed him

a kiss of passionate love

without knowing he gently stroked her

face

at that moment morel came in

walking unsteadily

his hat over one eye

he paused in the doorway

making more trouble

he said with an ugly look

mrs morrell’s feelings turned to sudden

hatred of her drunken husband

at least i’m not drunk

she said

morel disappeared and returned with a

piece of cheese in his hand

it was what mrs morrell had bought for

paul

and i didn’t buy that for you

if you give me only 25 shillings don’t

expect me to buy you cheese when you’re

already full up with beer

what

shouted morrell

what

not for me

he looked at the cheese in his hand

and suddenly threw it into the fire

paul jumped to his feet

waste your own food

he cried

what

what

shouted morrell

taking up a threatening position

i’ll show you

you cheeky young fool

all right

said paul hotly

show me

at that moment he wanted to hit his

father violently

there

cried morrell

delivering a great blow just past his

son’s face

even so close he did not dare to touch

the younger man

right said paul and was preparing to hit

his father on the mouth

he ached to land the blow

but he heard a frightened sound behind

him

his mother was pale as death

and dark around the lips morel was

dancing up to deliver another blow

father

said paul urgently

morrell shook and stood still

mother cried the boy

mother

she began to struggle with herself

she could not move

gradually she got more control

paul laid her down on the sofa and ran

to fetch her something to drink

the tears were streaming down his face

what’s the matter with her

said morrell sitting on the opposite

side of the room

she’s fainted

replied paul

morrell took his boots off and went

unsteadily to his bed

paul knelt there

stroking his mother’s hand

it’s nothing my boy

she whispered

paul made up the fire straightened the

room laid the things for breakfast

and brought his mother’s candle

he followed her up the stairs and kissed

her once more

good night mother

good night

she said

in the days that followed

everyone tried to forget what had taken

place

chapter nine

the defeat of miriam

the easter holiday began happily

paul rode his bicycle up to willie farm

but he was in a hard critical mood when

he went out walking around the farm with

miriam

paul kept on finding fault with her

they stopped to rest on a bed of dry

grass

why are you sad

she asked gently i’m not sad

why should i be

he answered i’m only normal

she wondered why he always called

himself normal when he was unpleasant

but what’s the matter

she insisted

nothing

he picked up a stick and dug the earth

with it in a fever of bad temper

gently but firmly

she put her hand on his

don’t

she said

put it away

he threw the stick into the grass and

leaned back

what is it

she asked again softly

he lay quite still with only his eyes

alive

and those full of unhappiness

you know

he said finally his voice rather tired

you know

we’d better break off

why

she asked

what has happened

nothing has happened

i can only give friendship

i’m not capable of anything more

it’s not equal our relationship

it’s ended

he meant that she loved him more than he

loved her

she pitted him in his suffering

he felt so ashamed

but i don’t understand

she said

i know

he cried

you never will

you’ll never believe i can’t

can’t physically

any more than i can fly

she whispered

love you

what have they been saying at home

she asked it’s not that

he answered but she knew it was

they did not talk much more that evening

instead paul and edgar went off on their

bicycles

he had come back to his mother

hers was the strongest time in his life

even miriam seemed unreal when he

thought about her

and in the same way his mother depended

on him

paul was going to change the face of the

earth in some way that really mattered

and yet for poor

it was not enough

his new young life so strong and

commanding was driving him on towards

something else

it made him mad with restlessness

miriam had not stopped hoping to win

paul back

he still visited the levers

but spent most of his time with edgar

in may she asked paul to come to the

farm and meet mrs dawes

he was rather excited at the idea of

seeing clara again

mrs dawes came for the day

her heavy fair hair was twisted on top

of her head

she wore a white blouse and a dark blue

skirt

miriam saw him look round eagerly at the

house

hasn’t clara come yet

he asked

yes

replied miriam in her musical voice

she came this morning

she’s reading

and is she any pleasanter

he asked again

you know i always think she’s quite

pleasant

clara sat inside reading

paul saw the back of her white neck with

the fine hair lifted up from it

she rose looking at him without interest

when she shook hands she seemed to keep

him at a distance

and yet offer him something

he noticed the roundness of her breasts

inside her blouse

and the fine curve of her shoulders

you’ve chosen a fine day

he said

it seems so

she answered

the conversation continued for a little

clara did not seem to find paul’s

comments at all clever

well i think i’ll go and see edgar he

said

and left them

after tea mrs levers said to clara

and you find life happier now

much happier

and

are you satisfied

if i can remain free and independent

yes

and you don’t miss anything in your life

ask mrs levers gently

i’ve put all that behind me

paul had been listening to this

conversation

you’ll find you’re always falling over

the things you’ve put behind you he said

and left to find edgar again

he felt he had been clever and was proud

of himself

he whistled as he went

a little later miriam came to ask if he

would go with her and clara for a walk

clara walked in front by herself a part

of the way her head bent

paul was curious about her

he forgot miriam who was walking beside

him talking to him

she looked at him

finding he did not answer her

his eyes were fixed in front on clara

do you still think she is unpleasant

she asked

something’s the matter with her

he said

yes

said miriam

they came to a field hidden by trees

around the edges

in the smooth grass beautiful bright

yellow spring flowers were growing

paul and miriam started picking them

clara wandered about looking depressed

then she knelt down

bending forward to smell the flowers

her neck looked such a beautiful thing

her breasts swung slightly in her blouse

the curve of her back was beautiful and

strong

suddenly without realizing paul was

dropping a handful of flowers over her

hair and neck

she looked up at him with fear in her

gray eyes

wondering what he was doing

suddenly standing there above her

he felt uncomfortable

clara laughed strangely and rose picking

the flowers from her hair

one flower remained caught in her hair

paul saw

but did not tell her

he collected the flowers he had dropped

unexpectedly she gave him a grateful

smile

going down the path they were all silent

as the evening deepened they could see

the mining village across the valley

little lights on a dark hill touching

the sky

it’s been nice hasn’t it

said paul

miriam agreed

clara was silent

he could tell by the way she moved

pretending not to care

that she suffered

at home he told his mother about clara

that she was poor

that she lived with her mother

that she was 30 years old

and what’s so charming about her my boy

asked his mother

i don’t know that she’s charming mother

but she’s nice

she seems straight you know

not a bit deep

mrs morrell

was not against the idea of clara

annie and leonard were getting married

she had saved 11 pounds and leonard 23

so the wedding took place almost

immediately

arthur came home

and looked sensational in his army

uniform

annie looked nice in a gray dress she

could also use for sundays

morel was cool to leonard

annie cried her eyes out in the kitchen

on leaving her mother

mrs morrell cried a little

then stroked her and said

don’t cry child

he’ll be good to you

afterwards paul and mrs morrell were

left alone

you’re not sorry she’s married mother

are you

no

but it seems strange

now she’s gone from me

when i think of my own wedding day

i can only hope that her life will be

different

i’ll never marry while i’ve got you

i won’t

he kissed her

and went to bed

mrs morrell sat thinking

about her daughter

about paul

about arthur

she was upset at losing annie

but paul needed her

and arthur needed her too

paul felt life changing around him

annie was married

arthur was living his own life of

pleasure

for both of them life lay outside their

mother’s house

they only came home for holidays and

rest

paul dreamed of following them

yet home for him was beside his mother

he grew more and more restless

miriam did not satisfy him his old wish

to be with her grew weaker

sometimes he met clara in nottingham

sometimes he saw her at willy farm

but between paul and clara and miriam

there was always a kind of struggle

for miriam’s 21st birthday paul wrote

her a long rather philosophical letter

which more or less brought their

relationship to an end he was now 23

years old and his sexual need was

growing strong

often when he talked to clara doors he

was conscious of his blood flowing

quicker

of something alive in him

of a new self

a new consciousness

he knew that sooner or later his need

would have to be satisfied

chapter 10

clara

when he was 23

paul sent in a painting to the winter

exhibition at the castle museum

one morning the postman came when mrs

morrell was doing the washing

suddenly paul heard a wild noise from

his mother

rushing into the kitchen he found her

screaming and waving a letter as if she

had gone mad

the postman too came running back

afraid something bad had happened

his pictures got first prize fred she

cried

and it’s been sold for 20 pounds

that looks like meaning something

said the young postman

didn’t i say we would do it she said

pretending she was not crying

morell was greatly impressed

twenty pounds

for a bit of a painting that took him

just an hour or two

he said amazed

yes

and that other boy would have done as

much

if they hadn’t killed him

he added quietly

the thought of william went through mrs

morrell like a sharp knife

arthur left the army and immediately got

married to beatrice whom he had known

for years

the baby was born six months after the

wedding

with the help of beatrice’s mother mrs

morrell found furniture for a little

two-room house

he was caught now

for a while he refused to settle down

and got annoyed with his young wife

who loved him

he nearly went mad when the baby cried

or gave trouble

he complained for hours to his mother

who only said

well my son

you did it yourself

now you must make the best of it

and then the stronger side of his

character appeared

he accepted his responsibilities

recognized that he belonged to his wife

and child

and made a good job of it

the months passed slowly

one day a friend of clara’s in best wood

asked paul to take a message to mrs

doors

in the evening after work he went to the

house where she lived with her mother

the street was poor

and the paint on the front door was old

a large fat woman of about 60 answered

his knock

this was mrs radford

clara’s mother

in a moment

clara appeared

her face went red

she seemed embarrassed he had discovered

her at home like this

she invited him into the kitchen

where the two women spent all their time

making lace

the room was full of the white snowy

stuff

clara gave him a chair brought him a

beer and went on with her work her arm

moved mechanically as she used the

machine

her head was bent over the lace

her life seemed so narrow

so limited poor thought

her grey eyes at last met his

he recognized that she was deeply

unhappy

a kind of prisoner

he felt shaken

it was not what he had expected

she had seemed so high and proud

he left in a kind of dream

the girl in charge of the stocking

department at jordan’s was leaving to

get married

he told clara about the vacant position

so clara came back to jordan’s

now they were fellow workers and saw

each other several times a day

when paul was painting in the afternoon

she often came and stood near him

keeping perfectly still

although she stood a yard away

he felt as if she was pressed against

him and he was full of her warmth

then he could paint no more

he threw down the brushes and began to

talk

on paul’s birthday he met clara by

chance in the dinner hour

they decided to go together up to the

castle

at the top they leaned over the wall

away at the foot of the rock tiny trees

stood in their own pools of shadow

and tiny people went rushing about with

amusing self-importance

she disliked towns

clara told him when things are natural

they’re beautiful

and what isn’t natural

ask paul

everything man has made

she answered

including man himself

but

his women made him

he remarked

wasn’t baxter doors natural

she changed color and looked away from

him

we will not discuss it

she said

later that afternoon the postman brought

paul a small packet

it was a book of poems with a note

inside

please allow me to send you this

i am sympathetic to your problems

and wish you well

cd

paul felt deeply moved and warmed

towards her

after this they often went out together

in the dinner hour

paul asked her about doors

how old were you when you married

22

that was eight years ago

yes

and when did you leave him

three years ago

five years together

did you love him when you married him

i thought i did

more or less

i didn’t think much about it

he wanted me

and why did you leave him finally

because he was unfaithful to me

i believe he still loves you

said paul

probably

she replied

she was a married woman and believed in

simple friendship

paul considered that he was behaving

quite correctly towards her

it was only a friendship between man and

woman such as any sensible people might

have

it seemed to him quite plain

miriam was his old friend and lover

she belonged to bestwood and home and

he’s growing up

clara was a newer friend

and she belonged to nottingham

to life

to the world

clara rarely saw miriam now

they were still friends but the

friendship was much weakened

will you come to the concert on sunday

clara asked paul just after christmas

i promised to go up to willie farm

he replied

you’re not upset are you

why should i be

she answered

again paul found himself telling her

about miriam

she wants me so much

that i can’t give herself

she wants the soul out of my body

and yet you love her

ask lara

no

i don’t love her

i never even kiss her

why not

clara asked

i don’t know

i suppose you’re afraid

anyway

she doesn’t want to have your soul

that’s your imagination

she wants you

he thought about this

perhaps he was wrong

but she seems he began

you’ve never tried

she answered

chapter 11

the test on miriam

with the spring the old madness came

back to paul

he did not feel he wanted marriage with

miriam

and yet he wanted to belong to her

it was a powerful need struggling with a

still stronger shyness

he had a great tenderness for miriam

he could not fail her

mrs morrell saw him going back to miriam

and was amazed

he said nothing to his mother

he did not explain or excuse himself

if he came home late and she made a

comment he answered coldly

i shall come home when i like

i’m old enough

and his mother went to bed leaving the

door unlocked for him

but she lay awake listening until he

came

often long after

it was a great bitterness to her that he

had gone back to miriam

that summer the cherry trees at the farm

were heavy with fruit

they stood very tall hung thick with

bright red and dark red drops

paul and edgar were gathering the fruit

one evening

it had been a hot day

and now the clouds were rolling in the

sky

dark and warm

the wind made the whole tree swing with

a thrilling movement that excited paul

he sat unsteadily among the higher

branches feeling slightly drunk with the

tree’s movement

and tore off handful after a handful of

the smooth cool fruit

cherries touched his ears and neck as he

leaned forward

red colored fruit glowed under the

darkness of the leaves

the sun going down caught the broken

clouds

enormous piles of gold shone out in the

southeast

the world

until now gray was bathed by the golden

glow

making trees and grass and far off water

shine

miriam came out to watch

oh

paul heard her call

isn’t it wonderful

he looked down

there was a pale light on the soft face

turned up to him

how high you are

she said

he threw a handful of cherries at her

she was taken by surprise and was afraid

he laughed and rained more cherries down

on her

she ran off to escape them

picking up some cherries on the way

she hung two fine pairs over her ears

then looked up again

haven’t you got enough

she asked

nearly

it’s like being on a ship up here

how long will you stay

till the sunset ends

she watched the gold clouds turn to

orange then rose

then reddish purple

until the passion went out of the sky

all climbed down with his basket

and lovely

said miriam

feeling the cherries

i’ve torn my sleeve

said paul

it was near the shoulder

she put her fingers through the tear

how warm

she said

he laughed

there was a strange new sound in his

voice

shall we walk a little way

he said

they went down the fields as far as a

thick wood

shall we go in among the trees

he asked

do you want to

yes

it was very dark in the wood

she was afraid

paul was silent and strange

he seemed hardly conscious of her as a

person

to him

she was only a woman

he stood against a tree and took her in

his arms

she gave herself to him

but as a victim

feeling some sort of horror

this thick voiced man was a stranger to

her

later it began to rain

paul lay with his head on the ground

listening to the sharp sound of the

raindrops

his heart was heavy

he realized that she had not been with

him

that her soul had stood back

his body felt calmer

but that was all

she put her hands over him to feel if he

was getting wet

we must go

said miriam

yes

said paul

but did not move

the rain is coming in on us

said miriam

he rose and helped her up

they walked hand in hand

in a while they went indoors

they made love a number of times after

this

afterwards paul always had the feeling

of failure and death

you don’t really want me when i come to

you

said paul gloomily after a week or two

no

don’t say so

she said

taking his head in her arms

don’t i want your children

shall we get married then

said paul

we’re too young

she said after a pause

not yet

with paul the sense of failure grew

stronger

at first it was only a sadness

then he began to feel he could not go on

he wanted to run

go abroad

anything

gradually he stopped asking her to have

him

he realized consciously that it was no

good

told his mother that he would break off

with miriam

on sunday he went up to the farm in the

early afternoon

miriam met him at the end of the farm

road

she was wearing a new dress with short

sleeves

she had made herself look so beautiful

and fresh for him

they sat down

he lay with his head on her breast

while she stroked his hair

she knew that he was somehow

absent

i’ve been thinking

he said finally

we ought to break it off

what

she cried in

surprise because it’s no good going on

i want us to break off

you to be free of me i free of you

how many times have you offered to marry

me and i wasn’t willing

i know

but i want us to break off

you’re a child of four

she said in her anger

and what can i tell my mother

she asked

i told my mother that i was breaking it

off

cleanly and completely

he said

i shan’t tell them at home she said

it’s always been the same

one long battle between us you fighting

me off

not always

not at first

he argued

always

from the very beginning

always the same

he sat in silence

his heart was hard against her

he left her at the road end

as she went home alone in her new dress

having to face her family at the other

end

he stood without moving on the high road

filled with pain

and shame

chapter 12

passion

after leaving miriam paul turned almost

immediately to clara

one evening they went to the cinema

and he took her hand in his

she neither moved nor made any sign

on saturday evening he invited her to

have coffee with him after work

afterwards they walked for a little in

the park

and in the darkness he caught her

suddenly in his arms and kissed

for the whole of the next day he only

thought of seeing her again

monday was his half day at work

he asked her if she would come out with

him

they agreed to meet at half past two

in the bus she leaned against him

and he took her hand

they got out beside the river and

crossed the bridge

they walked along the path above the

river and came to a locked gate

paul climbed over first

then clara climbed up onto it and he

held both her hands

laughing she looked down into his face

then she jumped

her breast came against his

he held her

and covered her face with kisses

they decided to go down to the river’s

edge below

slipping and sliding they made their way

to the bottom of the steep wooded bank

paul found a flat place the foot of two

trees

it was covered with wet leaves

but it would do

he threw down his raincoat

and waved to her to come

she sank down at his side

he pressed his lips to her throat

and felt the beat of her blood under his

lips

everything was perfectly still

there was nothing in the afternoon but

themselves

they had a steep climb to get back to

the public path at the top

then they walked into clifton and had

tea at a guest house

he was madly in love with her now

every movement she made

every fold in her clothes sent a thrill

through him

mrs morrell was sitting reading when he

got home

you’re late

she said looking at him

his eyes were shining his face seemed to

glow

yes

i’ve been down at clifton grove with

clara

she’s

she’s awfully nice mother

would you like to know her

yes

said mrs morrell cooley

i should like to know what she’s like

you don’t expect to like her

said paul

i’ll bring her here on sunday for tea

shall i bring her

you please yourself

said mrs morrell laughing

paul knew that he had won

he mentioned to miriam that clara was

coming to tea on sunday

i want my mother to meet her

he added

ah

there was a silence

i may call in before i go to the church

service

miriam said

it’s a long time since i saw clara

very well

said paul

surprised

and unconsciously angry

on the sunday afternoon paul met clara

at keston station

clara followed paul into the house

mrs morrell rose

the younger woman was very nervous

i hope you don’t mind my coming

she said hesitatingly

i was pleased when paul said he would

bring you

replied mrs

morrell looking at paul she thought what

a man he looked in his dark well-made

clothes

her heart glowed

she and clara started talking about

nottingham

clara is still rather nervous

mrs morrell still rather proud

but they were getting on well together

paul saw

mrs morrell measured herself against the

younger woman

and found herself easily the stronger

clara was very respectful

she knew how highly paul thought of his

mother and she had been fearful of this

meeting

expecting someone hard and cold

she was surprised to find this little

interested woman chatting so easily with

her

at t the atmosphere was cool and clear

where everyone was themselves and in

tune with the others

afterwards paul cleared the table then

walked into the garden leaving the two

women to talk

clara offered to help wash the dishes

and was allowed to dry the tea things

it was painful for her not to be able to

follow him into the garden

but at last she allowed herself to go

she went to paul who was watching the

bees among the autumn flowers

at that moment

miriam was entering through the garden

gate she saw clara go up to paul

saw him turn

and saw them move together

something in the relationship told her

that they were already a couple

they were looking into each other’s eyes

laughing

at that moment they became conscious of

miriam

and everything changed

miriam shook hands with clara saying it

seems strange to see you here

yes replied the other

it seemed strange to be here

there was a pause

it is pretty isn’t it

said miriam

i like it very much

said clara

then miriam realized that clara was

accepted here as she could never be

she asked paul for a book to read

he ran indoors to find one

when he returned clara turned to go

indoors

leaving him to walk with miriam to the

gate

when will you come to willy farm

miriam called to her

i couldn’t say

replied clara

mother asked me to say she’d be pleased

to see you anytime

thank you

but i can’t say when

oh

very well

said miriam with some bitterness

and left

that evening the lovers went out over

the fields

clara leaned against him as they walked

and he held her closer and closer

suddenly paul’s blood flamed up in him

he caught her in his arms and kissed her

again and again

but she was worried about catching her

train

they had only 14 minutes to get to the

station

so they ran madly through the darkness

away to the right they could see the lit

up train approaching

at last clara fell into the train

completely out of breath

the whistle

blew she was gone

before he knew where he was

he found himself back home in the

kitchen

do you like her

he asked his mother rather unwillingly

yes

i like her

but you’ll get tired of her my son

you know you will

you better take some hot milk

he refused and went to bed

feeling confused and angry

chapter 13

baxter doors

paul wanted to see a play which was at

the theater royal in nottingham that

week he asked clara to come with him

he took his evening clothes in a

suitcase and changed at jordan’s after

work

at the theater clara took off her coat

and he discovered she was in a sort of

green evening dress that left her arms

and neck and part of her breast bare

he could almost feel the firmness and

softness of her body as he looked at her

he sat all the evening beside her

beautiful bare arm

watching the strong throat

the breasts under the green stuff

the curve of her body in the tight dress

he somehow hated her because she made

him suffer the ache of her nearness

when the lights went down

she sank against him

and he stroked her hand and arm with his

fingers

the play continued

but it seemed like a dream far away from

him

the reality was clara

the white heavy arms

a throat

a chest

rising and falling

when all was over the lights up the

people clapping

he came to himself

he helped her on with her coat

i love you

you are beautiful in that dress

he whispered over her shoulder among the

crowd of people

it seemed to him that he met a pair of

brown eyes full of hate as they made

their way out of the theater

but he did not know whose eyes they were

he and clara turned away and walked

towards the station

two or three evenings later

paul was drinking in the punch bowl pub

with some of his friends

when baxter doors came in

he looked much thinner and seemed to be

on a downhill path

his woman louie had left him

and he had recently spent a night in

jail for fighting

paul and he were enemies

but as fellow workers there was a

familiarity between them

paul often thought about doors

and wanted to know him better

this evening he offered doors a drink

doors refused with a curse and went on

making insulting references to paul’s

friendship with clara

paul tried to pay no attention

but one final remark caused him to throw

half a glass of beer in dorse’s face

it was nearly an ugly fight

but the quick thinking barman led doors

to the door

and forced him to leave the pub

paul told clara jokingly of the quarrel

with her husband

the color rose in her face

her gray eyes glowed with anger

she advised paul to carry a gun because

she said

doors was dangerous

paul laughed at the idea

but in fact a violent quarrel at the

factory a few days later led doors to

attack mr jordan

and ended with doors losing his job

clara was indeed passionately in love

with paul and he with her

as far as passion went

one evening they were walking down by

the river

and his mind was somewhere else

clara listened to him whistling a sad

dissatisfied tune

she walked on in silence

when they came to a bridge he sat down

looking at the stars in the water

she sat beside him

will you always stay at jordan’s

she asked

no

i shall leave nottingham soon and go

abroad

go abroad

what for

i don’t know

i feel restless

i shall not go for long while my

mother’s there

and

if you made a nice lot of money

what would you do she asked

live in a pretty house near london with

my mother

i see

there was a long pause

don’t ask me anything about the future

he said gloomily

i don’t know anything

just be with me now

she caught him passionately to her

pressing his head down on her breast

she could not mistake the suffering in

his voice

and soon the struggle within him died

away

and he forgot clara was there anymore

only a woman

warm and passionate there in the dark

and she gave herself to him

she knew how alone he was

when paul came to his senses he realized

he was lying on the grass

the warmth he felt was clara’s breathing

what was she

a strong strange wild life

breathing with him in the darkness

after such an evening they were both

very still

having known the enormous power of

passion

but clara was not satisfied

he might leave her

she had not got him

for paul the fire of love slowly died

away

he felt more and more that his

experience had been impersonal

and not with clara

he felt a great tenderness for her

but it was not she who could keep his

soul steady

he had wanted her to be something she

could not be

once when they were by themselves he

asked her

do you ever want to marry me

do you want to marry me

she replied

yes

i should like us to have children

he answered slowly

but you don’t really want to divorce

from baxter do you

it was some minutes before she replied

no

she said

i don’t think i do

gradually their lovemaking became more

mechanical

without the wonderful high points of

that first time

one night he left her to go to the

railway station over the fields

he did not have much time

and it was very dark

he was going through a gate when he saw

a dark figure leaning beside it

paul morrell

said the man

he knew it was doors

i’ve got you haven’t i

said

doors i’ll miss my train

said paul

all right then

answered doors

and suddenly the younger man was knocked

backwards by a blow across the face

the whole night went black

then he began to see doors more clearly

and hit him above the mouth

suddenly from nowhere came a great blow

behind the ear

he heard doors his heavy breathing like

a wild animals

he hung on to the bigger man like a wild

cat

till at last doors fell with a crash

and paul went down with him

his hands pressed the other man’s throat

in a blind need to kill him

then he was thrown to one side

he felt his enemy kicking him as he lay

on his back

helpless

then he lost consciousness

paul woke gradually

he knew where he was and what had

happened

but he did not want to move

at last his willpower forced him to get

up

he was sick with pain

but his brain was clear

he found a pool of water and washed his

bloody face and hands

the icy water stung

but woke him fully

all he wanted was to get to his mother

on foot

as in a terrible dream

he made the journey home

everybody was in bed

his face was raw and badly marked

almost like a dead man’s face

the night was a long

bad dream

in the morning he woke to find his

mother looking at him

her blue eyes

they were all he wanted to see

she was there

he was in her hands

it’s not much mother

he said

it was baxter doors

he had a displaced shoulder

and the second day his breathing also

became very difficult

his mother was as pale as death

and very thin

she sat and looked at him then looked

away into space

clara came to see him

then miriam came

you know i don’t care about them mother

he said

i’m afraid you don’t my son

she replied sadly

people were told it was a bicycle

accident

and soon he was back at work again

to 14.

life

at an end

in may

paul decided to spend four days in

blackpool with a friend

his mother went to stay for a week in

sheffield with annie who now lived there

perhaps the change would do her good

paul arranged to join them on the fifth

day

and stay in sheffield till his holiday

was over

his four free days passed enjoyably

without a worry or a black thought

on the fifth day paul ran up the steps

of annie’s house expecting to find his

mother laughing in the front room

but it was annie who opened the door

his mother ill he said

yes

she’s not very well

don’t upset her

annie replied

is she in bed

yes

a strange feeling came over him

he dropped his bag and ran upstairs

his mother was sitting up in bed

she looked at him almost as if she were

ashamed of herself

he saw her grayish color

mother

he said

i thought you were never coming

she answered brightly

but he only fell on his knees at the

bedside and buried his face in the

blankets crying in pain

she stroked his hair slowly with her

thin hand

what is it mother

he said at last

she said without looking at him

it’s only a lump

a boy

it’s been there for some time

his tears rose up again

his mind was hard and clear

but his body was crying where

she put her hand on her side to show him

he sat on the bed and took her hand

when did you get ill

he asked

it began yesterday

she answered

you ought not to have traveled alone

he said

as if that had anything to do with it

she answered quickly

now go and have your dinner

they’re waiting for you

after dinner he went into the kitchen to

help annie wash the dishes

annie began to cry

the pain she had yesterday

never saw anyone suffer like it

she cried

leonard ran like a madman for dr ansel

and when she got to bed she said to me

annie

look at this lump on my side i wonder

what it is

when i looked

i nearly dropped

it’s a lump as big as an apple

i said

good heavens mother

whenever did that come hi child she said

been there a long time

she’s been having these pains for months

at home and nobody looking after her

but she’s been seeing the doctor in

nottingham she says

and she never told me

he said

in the afternoon he went to see dr ansel

a wise lovable man

can’t you operate

asked paul

not there

said the doctor

might it be cancer

i don’t know

i would like an examination by her

regular doctor dr jamison but you must

arrange it

he will charge you not less than ten

pounds to come all the way from

nottingham

paul agreed to make the arrangement

and went to see dr jameson in nottingham

two days later

he was friendly

busy

kind

he agreed to come to sheffield the next

day

a sunday

paul went home to see his father

they now employed a little serving girl

called minnie

and she was looking after him

paul had written him a letter to tell

him about his wife

that his father was afraid to mention

her

but yet in silence

well

and how is she

ask the old miner at last

she can sit up

we can carry her down for tea

said paul

you must go and see her next week father

i hope she’ll be home by that time

said morel

if she’s not

said paul

you must come

dr jameson came on the sunday as agreed

together with dr ansel

the examination did not take long

arthur paul and leonard waited nervously

for the two doctors to come downstairs

they were told that an operation was

impossible

mrs morrell’s heart was too weak

but it might be possible to reduce the

lump by using suitable drugs

paul had to go back to work

on the saturday walter morrell took the

train to sheffield

when he arrived he looked lost

the old man came into the bedroom rather

fearfully

how do i find you my girl

he said kissing her hurriedly and shyly

well

i’m half and half

she replied

i can see you ah

he said

looking down on her

then he wiped his eyes with his

handkerchief and sat looking at her

almost as if she was a stranger

mrs morrell did not change much

she stayed in sheffield for two months

at the end of that time she was if

anything rather worse

but she wanted to go home

so they got a motor car from nottingham

because she was too ill to go by train

morel knew she was coming

he had the front door open

half the neighbors came out to greet her

mrs morrell smiling drove home down the

street

they saw her smile and nod

it was a great event in bestwood

morel wanted to carry her inside

but he was too old

arthur picked her up as if she was a

child

they put a big deep chair near the fire

where her old chair used to stand

when she was unwrapped and sitting down

and had drunk a little wine

she looked round the room

don’t think i didn’t like your house

annie

she said

but it’s good to be in my own home again

and morrell added in a shaky voice

it is girl

it is

while paul was in sheffield he heard

from dr ansel that a man from nottingham

was in the local fever hospital

he was none other than baxter doors

paul decided to visit him

it appeared the doors had come to take

up work in sheffield

but after only a day or two had fallen

seriously ill

paul told him about his mother’s illness

and offered to visit him again when he

returned to sheffield

back in nottingham he told clara about

doors

she seemed very upset by the news

is he very bad

she asked guiltily

he has been

he’s improving now

there was a distance now between the

lovers

i’ve behaved badly to him

she said

and now you’re behaving badly to me

it’s what i deserve

he loved me a thousand times better than

you ever did

as soon as she could she went to

sheffield to see her husband

the meeting was not a success

but she left him roses and fruit and

money

she wanted to repay him

even though her heart was not warm with

love

mrs morrell got gradually worse

paul knew and she knew that she was

dying

but they kept up a pretence of

cheerfulness

doors was now in a rest home near

nottingham and paul visited him there

sometimes

a peculiar friendship developed between

the two men

doors still very weak seemed to rely on

paul

the days and weeks went by

december came

and some snow

all stayed at home all the time now

they could not afford a nurse so paul

shared the nursing with annie

their mother had strong drugs every

night to help her sleep

and her heart beat irregularly

annie slept beside her

paul went in in the early morning when

his sister got up

mrs morrell’s eyes grew darker and

darker

her body thinner

her skin grayer

can’t you give her something to put an

end to it

he asked the doctor at last

but the doctor shook his head

walter morrell was silent and frightened

sometimes he went into the sick room to

look at her

then left in confusion

one evening

paul collected all the sleeping pills

there were and took them downstairs

carefully he made them into a powder

he put the powder into the hot milk

which he took to his mother at nine

o’clock

she drank a little

and looked at him with dark wondering

eyes

oh

it is bitter paul

she said

making an expression of distaste

it’s to help you sleep better

he said

she drank some more of the milk

oh it is horrible

she told him

paul brought her a little cold milk to

take away the taste

mrs morell drank it down

she was sighing with tiredness

her heartbeat was very irregular

paul and annie settled her down for the

night

as usual annie slept with her and paul

slept in the next room

he was woken suddenly by annie’s

whispered

oh

paul

come and look at her

his mother lay with her cheek on her

hand

in the same position as before

but her mouth had fallen open

and she was breathing with loud heavy

breaths with long pauses in between

they sat silently listening to the great

rough breaths

the night went by breath

by breath

still it was dark

his father got up

and i better stay

he whispered

no

go to work

answer paul

in a few minutes he heard his father’s

heavy footsteps on the snow outside

he watched the snow growing blue

a grey deathly dawn followed

annie came in and looked at him

questioningly

just the same

he said calmly

soon the neighbors came with their

frightened question

how is she

at ten o’clock the district nurse came

nurse

cried paul

she’ll continue like this for days

she can’t mr morrell

said the nurse

she can’t

at about 11 o’clock he went downstairs

and sat in the neighbor’s house

suddenly annie came flying across the

garden crying

pull

paul

she’s gone

in a second he was back in his own house

and upstairs

they all stood back

he kneeled down and put his face to hers

and his arms round her

i love

i love

oh my love

he whispered

again and again

i love

all my love

their father came home from work

about four o’clock

he came silently into the house and sat

down

tired he laid his black arms on the

table

the serving girl hurried to give him his

dinner

at last paul said

you noticed the curtains were closed

laurel looked up

no

he said

why

has she gone

yes

when was that

about 12 this morning

he at his dinner

washed and went upstairs to change

in a little while

he went out

paul went to get the doctor’s

certificate and to tell the men the

common measure for the coffin

when he got back about eight o’clock

the house was empty

except for

her room was cold but had been warm for

so long

she lay high on the bed

the shape of the covering from the

upright feet was like a clean curve of

snow

so silent

with a candle in his hand he bent over

her

she lay like a girl asleep and dreaming

of her love

only the hair as it curved back from her

face was mixed with silver

after two days the relations came for

the funeral and the children had to

welcome them

they buried her next to william in a

terrible storm of rain and wind

the wet earth and all the white flowers

shone with rain

annie held paul’s arm and leaned forward

down below she saw a dark corner of

williams coffin

the wooden box sang steadily

she was gone

the rain poured down

and the crowd in black with their

umbrellas turned away

the burial ground was empty under the

pouring rain

paul went home

and kept himself busy passing round

drinks to the guests

his father sat in the kitchen with mrs

morrell’s relations

and cried

saying what a good woman she’d been and

how he’d tried to do everything he could

for her

paul hated his father for his self-pity

to 15

the death of hope

paul felt lonely and defeated

his mother had really supported his life

he wanted someone to help him their own

choosing

but clara was not strong enough for him

to hold on to

she wanted him

but did not want to understand him

if no one was willing to help him

he would go on alone

doors was almost completely recovered

from his illness

he had found a job and a place to live

in sheffield

he was going to start work on monday

paul knew that his own relationship with

clara was over

and that she would go back to doors

she did in fact go with her husband to

sheffield

and paul scarcely saw her again

there was little affectionate feeling

between father and son as there was no

one to keep the home together

and as neither of them could accept the

emptiness of the house

paul took a room in nottingham

and morel went to live with a friendly

family in bestwood

paul’s life

had fallen to pieces

he could not paint

at work there was no clara

there was nothing left

everything seemed so different

so unreal

there seems no reason why people should

walk along the street

why houses should stand in their places

the most real thing to him was the thick

darkness of night

that seemed whole and meaningful

and restful

sitting alone in his room

he heard two voices in his head

what am i

doing destroying myself

that’s wrong

why wrong

she’s dead

what was it all for

a struggle

you’re alive

you’ve got to stay alive for her sake

carry on for her

go on with your painting

painting is not living

marry then

have children

marry who

miriam

but he did not trust this answer

always alone his soul swung first to the

side of death

then stubbornly to the side of life

the real disaster was that he had

nowhere to go

nothing to do

nothing to say

and was nothing himself

he felt completely disconnected from

other people

he went by chance to church one sunday

evening

and there was miriam a few rows in front

of him

he found her outside after the service

what are you doing in town

he asked

i’m staying at my cousin anz just till

tomorrow

he invited her to come back to his room

for supper

they took the bus

and scarcely spoke until they reached

his place on the edge of town

in his room supper was laid

paul made coffee

miriam told him shyly that she was going

to train as a teacher at broughton

college

i suppose you’re glad

said paul

very glad

well

you’ll find earning your own living

isn’t everything

after supper they sat by the fire facing

each other

you’ve broken off with clara

miriam asked

yes

you know

she said

i think we ought to be married

why

you’re wasting yourself like this

i’m not sure

he said slowly

that marriage would be much good

you want to put me in your pocket

and i would die there

what will you do instead

she asked

i don’t know

go on i suppose

perhaps i’ll go abroad

there was a long silence

will you have me

to marry me

he said

in a very low voice do you want it

she asked

deeply serious

not much

he replied with pain

and without marriage

we can do nothing

no

she said

a voice like a deep bell

no

i think not

he went with her to her cousin’s house

and left her there

as he turned away

he felt the last foothold for him had

gone

the town stretched away to the distance

a flat sea of lights

behind him lay the country

with little points of light from more

towns

the sea

the night

on

and on

on every side the enormous dark silence

seemed to be pressing him into

nothingness

and yet

though so small and unimportant

he was not nothing

he whispered

in sharpest pain

mother

she was the only thing that helped him

to remain himself among all this

she was gone

a part of the earth again

but no

he would not give in

he straightened himself

and closed his lips firmly

he would not take that direction

to the darkness

to follow her

he walked towards the distant noise

the glowing golden lights of the city

quickly

you