Learn English Tim Minchin You will die soon with BIG subtitles

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in darker days I did a corporate gig at

a conference for this big company who

made and sat and sold accounting

software in a beard I presume to inspire

their salespeople to greater heights

that forked out 12 grand for an

inspirational speaker who was this

extreme sports guy who had had a couple

of his limbs frozen off when he got

stuck on a Ledge on some mountain it was

weird

software sales people I think need to

hear from someone who has had a long

successful and happy career in software

sales not from an overly optimistic ex

Mountaineer some poor guy who had

arrived in the morning hoping to learn

more about sales techniques ended up

going home worried about the blood flow

to his extremities it’s not

inspirational it’s confusing and if the

mountain was meant to be a symbol of

life’s challenges and the loss of limbs

and metaphor for sacrifice the software

guys not going to get it is he because

he didn’t do an arts degree did he he

should have Arts degrees are awesome and

they help you find meaning where there

is none and let me assure you there is

none don’t go looking for it

searching for meaning is like searching

for a rhyme scheme in a cookbook you

won’t find it and I’ll bugger up your

souffle

if you didn’t like that metaphor you

won’t like the rest of it

point being I’m not an inspirational

speaker I’ve never lost a limb on a

mountainside metaphorically or otherwise

and I’m certainly not here to give

career advice because well I’ve never

really had what most would consider a

job however I have had large groups of

people listening to what I say for quite

a few years now and it’s given me an

inflated sense of self-importance

so I will now at the ripe old age of

37.9 bestow upon you nine life lessons

to echo of course the nine lessons of

carols of the traditional Christmas

service which is also pretty obscure you

might find some of this stuff inspiring

you will definitely find some of it

boring and you’ll definitely forget all

of it within a week and be warned there

will be lots of hokey similes and

obscure aphorisms which start well that

end up making no sense so listen up or

you’ll get lost like a blind man

clapping in a pharmacy trying to

echolocate the contact lens fluid

looking for my old poetry teacher here

we go ready one you don’t have to have a

dream Americans on talent shows always

talk about their dreams fine if you have

something you’ve always wanted to do

dreamed of like in your heart go for it

after all it’s something to do with your

time chasing a dream and if it’s a big

enough one it’ll take you most of your

life to achieve so by the time you get

to it and are staring to the into the

abyss of the meaninglessness of your

achievement you’ll be almost dead so it

won’t matter I never really had one of

these dreams and so I advocate

passionate dedication to the pursuit of

short-term goals be micro ambitious put

your head down and work with pride on

whatever is in front of you you never

know where you might end up just be

aware the next worthy pursuit will

probably appear in your periphery which

is why you should be careful of long

term dreams if you focus too far in

front of you you won’t see the shiny

thing out the corner of your eye right

good advice metaphor look at me go to

don’t seek happiness happiness is like

an orgasm if you think about it too much

goes away

keep busy and aim to make someone else

happy and you might find you get some as

a side effect we didn’t evolve to be

constantly content contented Homo

erectus got eaten before passing on

their genes three remember it’s all luck

you are lucky to be here you are

incalculably incalculably lucky to be

born and incredibly lucky to be brought

up by a nice family that helped you get

educated and encourage you to go to uni

or if you were born into a horrible

family that’s unlucky and you have my

sympathy but you are still lucky lucky

that you happen to be made of the sort

of DNA that went on to make the sort of

brain which when placed in a horrible

childhood environment would make

decisions that meant you ended up

eventually graduating uni well done you

for dragging yourself up by your

shoelaces but you were lucky you didn’t

create the bit of you that dragged you

up there not even your shoelaces

I suppose I worked hard to achieve

whatever dubious achievements I’ve

achieved but I didn’t make the bit of me

that works hard and more than any more

than I made the bit of me that ate too

many burgers instead of attending

lectures when I was here at UWA

understanding that you can’t truly take

credit for your successes nor truly

blame others for their failures will

humble you and make you more

compassionate empathy is intuitive but

is also something you can work on

intellectually for exercise I’m sorry

you pasty pale smoking philosophy grads

arching your eyebrows into a Cartesian

curve as you watch the human movement

mob winding their way through them the

miniature traffic cones of their

existence you are wrong and they are

right well you’re half right do you

think therefore you are but also your

jog therefore you sleep therefore you’re

not overwhelmed by existential angst you

can’t be can’t and you don’t want to be

play a sport do yoga pump iron run

whatever but take care of your body

you’re going to need it most of you

Marber going to live to nearly a hundred

and even the poorest of you will achieve

a level of wealth that most humans

throughout history could not have

dreamed of and this long luxurious life

ahead of you is going to make you

depressed

but don’t despair there is an inverse

correlation between depression and

exercise do it run my beautiful

intellectuals run five be hard on your

opinions a famous bon mot asserts that

opinions are like in that

everyone has one there is great wisdom

in this but I would add that opinions

differ significantly from ourselves and

that yours should be constantly and

thoroughly examined

I used to do exams in here it’s revenge

we must think critically and not just

about the ideas of others be hard on

your beliefs take them out onto the

veranda and hit them with a cricket bat

be intellectually rigorous identify your

biases your prejudices your privileges

most of society’s arguments are kept

alive by a failure to acknowledge nuance

we tend to generate false dichotomies

and then try to argue one point using

two entirely different sets of

assumptions like two tennis players

trying to win a match by hitting

beautifully executed shots from either

end of separate tennis courts by the way

while I have science and arts graduates

in front of me please don’t make the

mistake of thinking the Arts and

Sciences are at odds with one another

that is a recent stupid and damaging

idea you don’t have to be unscientific

to make beautiful art to write beautiful

things if you need proof Twain Douglas

Adams Vonnegut McEwen Seguin Shakespeare

Dickens for a start you don’t need to be

superstitious to be a poet you don’t

need to hate GM technology to care about

the beauty of the planet you don’t have

to claim a soul to promote compassion

science is not a body of knowledge nor a

belief system it is just a term which

describes humankind’s incremental

acquisition of understanding through

observation science is awesome the Arts

and Sciences need to work together to

improve how knowledge is communicated

the idea that many Australians including

our new p.m. and my distant cousin Nick

Minchin believe that scientist ayan some

anthropogenic global warming is

controversial there’s a powerful

indicator of the extent of our failure

to communicate the fact that 30% of the

people in this room just bristled is

further evidence still

the fact that that bristling is more to

do with politics than science is even

more despairing six be a teacher please

please please be a teacher teachers are

the most admirable and important people

in the world you don’t have to do it

forever but if you’re in doubt about

what to do be an amazing teacher just

for your 20s be a teacher be a primary

school teacher especially if you’re a

bloke we need male primary school

teachers even if you’re not a teacher be

a teacher share your ideas don’t take

for granted your education rejoice in

what you learn and spray it seven define

yourself by what you love I found myself

doing this thing a bit recently where if

someone asks me what sort of music I

like I say well I don’t listen to the

radio because pop song lyrics annoy me

or if someone asks me what food I like I

say I think truffle oil is overused and

slightly obnoxious and I see it all the

time online people whose idea of being

part of a subculture is to hate Coldplay

or football or feminists or the Liberal

Party we have a tendency to define

ourselves in opposition to stuff as a

comedian I make my living out of it but

try to also express your passion for

things you love be demonstrative and

generous in your praise of those you

admire send thank-you cards and give

standing ovations beep rose stuff not

just aunty stuff eight respect people

with less power than you I have in the

past made important decisions about

people I work with agents and producers

big decisions based largely on how they

treat the waitstaff in the restaurants

we’re having the meeting in I don’t care

if you’re the most powerful cat in the

room I will judge you on how you treat

the least powerful so there

9 finally don’t rush you don’t need to

already know what you’re going to do

with the rest of your life

I’m not saying sit around smoking cones

all day but also don’t panic most people

I know who were sure of their career

path at 20 are having midlife crises now

I said at the beginning of this ramble

which was already three and a half

minutes long that life is meaningless it

was not a flippant assertion I think

it’s absurd the idea of seeking meaning

in the set of circumstances that happens

to exist after 13.8 billion years worth

of unguided events leave it to humans to

think the universe has a purpose for

them however I am no nihilist I’m not

even a cynic I am actually rather

romantic and here’s my idea of romance

you will soon be dead life will

sometimes seem long and tough and God

it’s tiring and you will sometimes be

happy and sometimes sad and then you’ll

be old and then you’ll be dead there is

only one sensible thing to do with this

empty existence and that is fill it not

fill it fill it and in my opinion until

I change it life is best filled by

learning as much as you can about as

much as you can taking pride in whatever

you’re doing having compassion sharing

ideas running being enthusiastic and

then there’s love and travel and wine

and sex and art and kids and giving and

mountain climbing but you know all that

stuff already it’s an incredibly

exciting thing this one meaningless life

of yours good luck and thank you for

indulging me

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