Stephen Colberts Commencement Speech with Big Subtitles

oh what a day what a lovely day it’s a

pleasure to be addressing the Wake

Forest graduating class of 2015 I want

to start by thanking the administration

and the trustees for inviting me to

speak I want to thank them for giving me

an honorary Doctorate of humanities I’m

I’m a huge fan of humans I have to thank

them for this thing around my neck

there’s nothing you want on a chilly day

like today than a nice scarf and I

especially want to thank the university

president Nathan o hatch known to you as

Nate dog natty oh the hatchet hatch

Adams senator Orrin Hatch

angel dust

and I only made a couple of those up of

course we mustn’t forget the parents who

to get you students to this day have

sacrificed so many things primarily

money I’m sure there are other things

they’ve sacrificed but I’m gonna guess

that money’s the one they bring up most

often most importantly congratulations

to you the class of 2015 you did it

and you look amazing although it’s a

little embarrassing you all showed up in

the same outfit really maybe even all

the accessories are the same everyone

has a black and gold tassel or is it

blue and white

grandparents just know this was the

issue that divided a generation you had

the Vietnam War your grandchildren had

an ambiguously colored tumblr tumblr

posts I’m so proud to be your

commencement speaker today because I

know that I am following in some

impressive footsteps last year you heard

from New York Times executive editor

Jill Abramson who unfortunately lost her

job just five days before her speech is

there something you know about my new

job that I don’t please just tell me I

really need that money

I have kids in college of course for you

grads the future is a dark chasm of

yawning uncertainty but don’t worry you

don’t have to face the future for like

two hours

first brunch then yawning uncertainty

but for now you are still nestled in the

beautiful comforting bosom of Wake

Forest there’s an interesting story

about how this institution came to be

the father of Wake Forest Samuel Waite

was trying to raise money for a

different school but during his travels

his horse ran off and he became stranded

nearby so the locals asked him to lead

their new University it was a simpler

time back then they just handed out

universities to whoever’s horse had run

off most recently this man has no

control over his animals surely he has

something to teach us all of course

Wake Forest or whack fo as I’ve been

asked by Provost Kirsch not to call it

wasn’t always the purely academic

institution it is today it was founded

as the seductively named Wake Forest

manual labor Institute and students

spent half their day toiling in the

fields the first class had just 16

students one of them just 12 years old

but he was a prodigy he could haul sacks

of grain at a college level back then of

course if you didn’t get into the Wake

Forest manual labor Institute you could

always settle for the North Carolina

crushing toil Academy which now of

course is known as UNC Wake Forest has

always been a leader in the late 19th

century this was among the first

southern schools to teach biology in a

lab before then you weren’t supposed to

learn biology until marriage

in 1962 Wake Forest had the proud

distinction of being the South’s first

major private school to integrate and

yes they’ve kept it up all right

you don’t know these days you don’t know

even now wake forces trailblazer

you are America’s first top 30 school to

make standardized testing optional the

implications are huge consider this and

a group of 30 applicants we’re 15 took

the SATs 10 took the a CTS and 5 took no

tests calculate the ratio between

actually forget it y’all didn’t have to

know any of that stuff still while Wake

has been a trailblazer this is a school

that respects tradition traditions like

rolling the quad with toilet paper after

big wins and this is actually an

eco-friendly tradition because looking

at this season’s win-loss record you

guys saved a lot of paper

let me win you back Duke sucks

I do want to say one thing that I love

about rolling the quad it really sticks

it to the trees

I mean covering a tree with a processed

pulp of its relatives that sends a harsh

message best like throwing wallets an

alligator or flinging piano keys at an

elephant speaking of the quad streaking

is anyone here make it under their robes

no just just me okay you are the rare

school that not only streaks your quad

you also have a 24-hour live webcam

pointed addicts come on neighthan on a

webcam really you young people know

that’s wrong those are the kind of

pictures you’re supposed to snapchat to

each other you people also have campus

traditions that are people I want to

give a shout out to mr. Dean Shore the

University barber

there is Dean actually he actually

contacted me first by sending me a

facebook request the minute my plane

landed he’s a friend of so many students

and a real throwback to a simpler time

because when your biggest local

celebrity is a barber you’re basically a

medieval village but of all the local

celebrities none is more famous than

your mascot the demon deacon

everybody loves the deacon when he rides

out on his motorcycle during basketball

games the crowd erupts with a madness

that can come only from the passion of

true fans or from inhaling motorcycle

fumes in an enclosed space clearly Wake

Forest has come a long way since it was

a labor school founded by a horseless

drifter but as great as Wake Forest is

Wake is your past now it is my

responsibility as a commencement speaker

to prepare you for what awaits you in

the future here it is no one has any

idea what’s going to happen not even

Elon Musk

that’s why he’s building those Rockets

he wants a plan B on another world but

whatever happens I think it’s entirely

appropriate that I’m the one talking to

you right now because I just spent many

years learning to do one thing really

well I got so comfortable with that

place that role those responsibilities

that it came to define how I saw myself

but now that part of my life is over

it’s time to say goodbye to the person

we’ve become we’ve worked so hard to

perfect and to make some crucial

decisions and becoming who we’re going

to be for me I’ll have to figure out how

to do an hour-long show every night and

you at some point will have to sleep I

am told the adderall wears off

eventually good luck

but this uncertainty is not new to your

generation the future is always

uncertain the only thing we can sure

will happen in 2016 is that will elect a

new president and that between now and

then about this many people will run as

the Republican nominee yes you are

graduating into an election year which

is a technical term for two years before

an election a lot of candidates will be

vying for your attention and you will

perform the ultimate civic duty deciding

for whom you will swipe left and for

whom you will swipe right because I

think we’re voting on tinder now at

least the Republicans our Democrats

might be voting on Grindr I don’t know

with all these people appealing to you

you’re gonna have to learn pretty damn

quick how to tell the difference between

hype and substance so to keep folks from

selling you things and ideas that aren’t

true you will need a well calibrated BS

detector and luckily I’m selling them

today for the low low price of just

89.95 order now and I’ll include an anti

flim-flam travel case that Stephen

Colbert’s BS detector if you buy it

that means you needed it if there’s one

thing you need even more it’s your own

set of standards it may seem

counterintuitive now but once you leave

here you may miss being graded on all

your work because when you’re out of

school there are no objective criteria

for achievement anymore people my age

will sometimes say to you hey that work

you did that that thing you said that

cause you championed it’s not good well

having your own standards will help you

weather moments like that having your

own standards allows you to perceive

success where others may see failure I’m

reminded of one famous inventor who was

ridiculed for his dream but flash

forward 15 years to the day and do we or

do we not

now all ride segways to work

we do not but they are featured

prominently in the movie paul blart mall

cop that’s good too

here’s another example over the years I

have given my work a lot of thought I

have my own standard for success now I

have a pretty good idea of what jokes

will get laughs and a pretty good idea

of what jokes maybe iffy but I’m gonna

say them anyway because I kind of like

how iffy they are and those who have

watched my show over the years know I

have made that decision many times but

having my own standards is why I could

keep going at times when no one laughed

or when I thought the person I was

interviewing might throw a punch at me

it’s also why the epitaph on my

tombstone will probably read well I

thought it was funny of course any

standards worth having will be a

challenge to meet and most of the time

you will fall short but what is nice

about having your own set of standards

is that from now on you fill out your

own report card so do yourself a favor

be an easy grader score yourself on a

curve give yourself extra credit you

have the power you are your own

professor now which I know is a little

creepy because that means you’re

showering with your professor but you

have tenure they can’t fire you

so I hope you find the courage to decide

for yourself what is right and what is

wrong and then please expect as much of

the world around you try to make the

world good according to your standards

it won’t be easy get ready for my

generation to tell you everything that

can’t be done like ending racial tension

we’re getting money out of politics or

lowering the world’s carbon emissions

and we should know they can’t be done

after all we’re the ones who didn’t do

them your job Pro Humanity is to prove

us wrong because if you don’t prove us

wrong then forget everything I’ve been

saying and instead I’d like to leave you

with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a

documentary I saw this weekend Mad Max

fury road all you young people really

need to succeed in the future is a

reliable source of fuel and a fanatical

cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers

may you ride eternal shiny and chrome

thank you for the honor of addressing

you and congratulations again to the

Wake Forest class of 2015

[Applause]