Embracing vulnerability

when i was 18 years old

something happened to me in a school

hall

a bit like this one

i was sitting my a-level english

literature exam

when i started to feel unwell

the symptoms were quite mild at first a

bit of breathlessness

sense of nausea i felt a bit dizzy

so i put my hand up and asked for some

water

and taking small sips i started to think

what was wrong

had i not eaten enough i thought

and then i remembered that i’d eaten all

of my lunch at about 10 a.m

i’d also eaten my friend’s lunch because

she was too nervous to eat

well in which case perhaps i’d eaten too

much then

i looked at the question and it was a

dream

i’d even practiced a similar question

the night before

it couldn’t have been more easy but

i just couldn’t shake the nausea

and that breathlessness was just getting

worse

so this time i put my hand up again

and i asked to leave i could feel the

eyes of all my classmates on me as i

left that exam hall

now as you all know news travels pretty

fast at school

and no sooner had i been escorted

outside of that example than my english

teacher was right there by my side

consoling me it’s okay she kept saying

don’t worry about it you’re not well

we’ll just tell the exam board it’s fine

it’s fine

but it was unfortunate timing

and she knew that because my place at

oxford depended

very much on getting an a in this

subject

now much of that day is a blur but the

next thing i remember

is being sat in the school medical bay

with a thermometer in my mouth my

english teacher still very much there

she hadn’t gone but now

the scariest teacher in the school

stood lurking in the doorway we’ll call

her mrs

s so

they read my temperature and it’s normal

well that surely can’t be given just how

odd i was feeling

my heart was beating at such a pace i

thought it would

i thought i wouldn’t be able to control

it okay but it comes back

normal and it’s at this point that mrs s

pipes up

have you experienced panic attacks

before

well not only had i never experienced a

panic attack before but

i really had no clue what one was

in fact i’ll be really honest with you

i’d always just dismissed them i thought

there was something that

wasn’t really real but

what was happening to me in that moment

could not have been more real

and it was then that mrs s explained to

me exactly what a panic attack was

and i was in no uncertain terms

experiencing one

and she even had the humility to tell me

that it was something that she too

suffered from

now many parts of that deal that day

sorry

are completely surreal to me

but perhaps the strangest moment of all

was the realization

that scary mrs s was a human being

and that she had weaknesses and

vulnerabilities

and she was willing to share those with

me

so five hours later

and that’s no exaggeration five hours

later

i went back into that exam hall and i

finished what i started

i should have felt really proud

that i was able to do that right that

after that ordeal after five hours i

went back and i finished that exam

but i didn’t and for the longest time i

viewed what

happened to me that day with real

shame but where had that shame come from

because it certainly hadn’t come from my

teachers particularly not mrs s

who turns out wasn’t as scary and

and as unfeeling as we all thought

ultimately i think the shame stemmed

from this one

question that bounced around my head all

summer

and i never shared it with anyone how on

earth

was i going to cope at oxford how on

earth was i going to cope with life

if i had faltered under the pressure of

an a level

but when i got to university my new

friends

shared similar stories poor mental

health

stress anxiety even panic attacks

and i admired that openness i think it’s

why i chose them as friends

but i wasn’t going to share similar

stories of my own so instead

i would sit there nodding empathetically

and sometimes i might chip in

and i might say yes you know i’ve heard

a similar story that has happened to

someone else or something that i have

read

somewhere suggests a similar thing

but i never wanted to admit any similar

feelings of

shame or fear because for me

to admit that would be to admit weakness

and that very admission would make me

vulnerable

but in hindsight

i really wish i’d approached that

situation differently

and here’s why

researcher and professor brene brown has

spent two decades

exploring ideas of courage shame

and vulnerability and she defines

vulnerability as risk

uncertainty and emotional exposure

well what on earth does that mean in

other words

it’s that uncertain feeling we get when

we start to loosen our control

when we go outside of our comfort zone

now in her ted talk brene brown argues

that

in an anxious world and that we do live

in very much an anxious world we

naturally cut ourselves off from things

that make us feel vulnerable

we try to reduce that emotional exposure

in any way and that’s exactly what i was

doing

when i went to university by not opening

up by not sharing how i felt

but what she argues is that

vulnerability is at the root of feelings

of shame and anxiety really horrible

feelings

it’s also the birthplace of creativity

and joy

it’s how we build meaningful connections

it’s how we live wholeheartedly

and that rather than shutting ourselves

off from these things what we really

should do

is develop more openness and allow

ourselves to feel vulnerable from time

to time

so

in preparation for this talk i was

speaking to quite a few people

and i had a conversation with a male

friend

and i spoke about brene brown and some

of the things that she was saying about

vulnerability

and shame and mental health and he

nodded along

quite knowingly and said to me

oh she’s speaking specifically about men

right now i was a little bit confused

because to me

it seemed pretty obvious that she was

speaking quite generally

but the more i thought about what he

said

the more sense his comments made

because the truth is there are some

forms of vulnerability

that society doesn’t really care

about me showing so for example i can

say

with pretty much no shame that i cried

that day when i was 18.

it’s deemed healthy for me to explore my

emotions

but my male friend might feel the

pressure

to appear strong strong very much being

in inverted commas there

and these gender expectations do

translate into some pretty grim

realities

so men are far less likely to open up

about how they feel

they are far less likely to seek help

and as a result they are far more likely

to suffer from poor mental health and

addiction as a result

they are quite shockingly

three times more likely to take their

own life and their female counterpart

so speaking to an audience of all boys

and as someone who works in an all-boys

school i feel that the story

is a particularly important one to share

what i’ve learned is that vulnerability

is simply an inevitable part of life

you cannot avoid it forever and rather

than shutting ourselves off from things

that make us feel vulnerable we should

embrace it

as an opportunity to learn as an

opportunity to be open

and to build resilience

it is actually quite nerve-wracking to

stand up here and talk to you all

so openly and so publicly about a memory

that i have buried for so many

years and just as i’m sure it was the

case for mrs

s it makes me feel vulnerable

but i’m finally happy to embrace that

thank you

[Applause]