Accountability is a love language

[Music]

when i received my first semester

results for my undergraduate studies

i was shocked i had one distinction

three low passes and two fails

to make matters worse i was a

scholarship student

so over and above the dreaded talk with

my parents

i had another group of people to show

these terrible results to

so after what felt like hours of nervous

contemplation and restless passing

i finally gathered the guts to go and

meet the hr director

mrs gapari i walked into your office

handed her the print out then waited for

the storm

are these your results tuffy

what’s happened i

i don’t know ma’am

what do you mean you don’t know this

results are really unlike you

what happened tuffy

i i don’t know ma’am

the bot will not like this tuffy

okay let’s do this take the weekend

go figure out what happened but most

importantly

come back to me with a plan on how we’re

going to make sure that

this this can’t happen again taffy

yes ma’am

relieved that my scholarship had not

been terminated on the

on the spot i could finally think about

what happened

and i figured it out no

i wasn’t parting wildly and banking

classes to nurse hangovers

why are you so judgmental rather

i had just struggled to navigate the

transition

between my highly structured boarding

school and the freedom of university

no prefects no sirens no punishment

freedom so rather than managing myself

to create study sessions

i really enjoyed bollywood movies

so i spent a lot of time watching those

three hour movies

the ones with intermissions in between

so that’s where the rules had fallen off

so i then figured to make sure that this

never happens again

i would study harder so i went back to

mrs capara and i told her

ma’am i know what i’m going to do

i’m going to work harder she was not

having it

she pushed back she challenged me to

define what working harder meant

she wanted to know when how long where

so finally we came up with a plan she

approved the plan

i worked the plan the plan worked i

graduated with good grades

for a while i knew that that

conversation had been critical

to my recovery from that bad semester

but it has taken me about a decade to

fully understand

the gift that mrs capara gave me on that

day

because over the last decade i’ve

continued to use the gift that she gave

me

for my personal development and to

achieve my goals

it has become one of the most highly

valued benefits of my work

as a high performance coach helping

young professionals to accelerate

their growth it has the tool that has

transformed the corporate teams that i

work with

to address poor performance and increase

productivity

it is the gift of accountability

conversations

the willingness to tackle the elephants

in the room

with kindness but firmness

and that is what i’m here to talk to you

about i’m here to extend the same gift

to you

so that you can pay it forward because

you might not have a failing student in

your life

but we are surrounded by people who are

struggling to navigate transitions

and we are not talking about it

at an individual level we will ignore

the growing numbers on the scale

or our personal debt preferring to bury

our heads in the sand and hope that by

some miracle it will self-resolve

as families we are not confronting

abusive uncles

rather talking about it in harsh tones

at family gatherings

in the workplace underperforming team

leaders are only discussed in the car

park

if they are in the meeting when we

discuss it it’s a very generic beating

about the bush about how we all need to

do better

would i still be safe if i talked about

our ranting and raving on twitter

about inefficient public services whilst

we are too busy to show up for community

meetings

now i know that the ted audience are

good people

you don’t do such things but by show of

hands let me know if you know some mere

motors around you

who practice this

it is happening and initially it might

look a bit harmless

except when we pay attention we

recognize that there is a prize we are

paying

because the ignored numbers on the scale

add up

to become an early death due to weight

related medical conditions

the personal debt escalates and ends up

in repossessed properties and kids

kicked out of school

the next family gathering is sadly

auntie’s funeral

as she becomes just another statistic on

gender-based violence

underperforming team leaders cost us

market share talent

donors and organizations fold under poor

leadership

about digital active citizens who are

too busy to show up for

inefficient services well you’re leaving

it

i won’t go there so you would agree with

me

we have a problem and we need to talk

the good news is we also have a solution

and a significant part of that solution

is you

and i we are the people who can choose

to have accountability conversations

we are the people who can decide to

address the elephants in the room

to step in before it’s too late to

salvage a situation

to ensure that the ending is different

for the next few minutes i will share

with you two questions

and one skill that i hope will prepare

you for the next accountability

conversation

when you find yourself in a room with an

elephant

so where do we start from we start by

asking the first question

which is what happened

what happened might seem like a

seemingly simple question

but within an accountability

conversation it is the first step

to acknowledging that there is a problem

it is a way of holding up the mirror to

flag a deviation

a deviation from a plan from the

expected

or from the known accountability is a

way for us to uphold

the norms and the standards because when

deviations are not

addressed they become normalized so when

we ask what happened

we are refusing to pretend that we

somehow got here by some miracle or some

misfortune

rather we are stating that it is

behaviors and choices that brought us

here

and the right people need to take

ownership for those decisions

it is only when people take ownership

that we can begin to solve the problems

that we have

so we begin accountability conversations

by asking

what’s happened first question done

now the skill

if you just asked what happened well

done you learn fast

now let me tell you what happened i

practiced the skill

a critical skill in accountability

conversations

is holding the space because ordinarily

when things go wrong

outsiders come in with judgment and

accusations

i mean from our high horses of

perfectionism we can clearly see what

happened

we can see the selfishness the greed the

negligence the incompetence that brought

us into this situation

but guess what happens when people feel

an attack coming

they become defensive they are ready to

defend themselves

and justify the choices that they met

between judgment and defensiveness we

never really figure out what happened

hence the call to holding the space and

accountability conversations

the willingness to suspend our own

assumptions and judgment

and hopefully create a safe space enough

for

other people to also put down their

guilt and defensiveness

then reflect on what happened because

when we hold the space we allow people

not only to identify the behaviors

that cause the problem but they can go

deeper to develop self-awareness

to understand the needs the insecurities

that is keeping them in this cycle

so we ask what happened and then we hold

the space to allow people to figure out

what happened

now i can see some of you already

plotting your next accountability

conversation stay with me

they still want more questions to be

addressed the last question we ask in

accountability conversations

is so what’s the plan remember my

intention was to work harder

but the plan detailed when how

and where when we ask what’s the plan

we are giving people an opportunity to

fully take stock

of what needs to change

because it is good intentions with no

plans that keep people stuck in

destructive cycles

so when we ask people what’s the plan we

are creating space for them to figure

out

what has to start and what stops instead

we are allowing them to figure out what

it is they need to give up

to get different results and that my

friends

is the power of accountability

conversations

it is the willingness to acknowledge

problems

to identify the behaviors that cause the

situation

and to create an informed recovery plan

on how we’re going to improve

the best part for me about

accountability conversations

is that in a way it’s a love language

because if you were on a slippery slope

and somebody pressed pause and showed

you that you’re on a slippery slope

wouldn’t you feel loved if somebody was

willing to suspend their judgment and

assumptions about your choices

and created a space safe enough for you

to figure out what happened

but empower you with self-awareness

isn’t that love

rather than waiting for you to get

better if somebody was willing to

walk the journey of improvement with you

i would say that is love accountability

is a love language

so if the shoe fits start with yourself

then love your family and friends love

your colleagues and community

love your country hold them accountable

thank you

[Music]

you