The Adventure of Uncertainty

[Music]

on june 12

2012 at around 2 a.m

i left an abusive relationship

with only what i could carry in two

hands

it was pouring rain and the car that

parked next to me parked

so close that i got

wedged in between the two cars

holding all this stuff as

pictures from my entire life

slipped out of the small box that they

were in

and started flying around

and landing in the puddles on the ground

i crammed all of my belongings as

quickly as i could

into the car terrified that

he would come downstairs and hurt me

or even worse possibly

accidentally kill me to get that car

i had made the mistake of putting our

shared car

in my name and getting loans

to help him and then setting the

payments up

to be taken directly out of my paychecks

so when i left i only had enough money

to pay for my phone bill

and food i successfully made it out of

that parking lot

that night with the car and for the next

year and a half i bounced around

friends couches three days at a time

to make sure that i didn’t overstay

my welcome despite their offers to stay

long-term

some would call it homeless

i called it the angel world tour

and i had a blast actually getting a

chance to spend time

with the people that i cared about i

took this

painful traumatic time

and i learned what i could from it

and i found the adventure in it

i wish more people would allow

themselves to experience

times of uncertainty this way

most of us don’t celebrate what’s

unknown

or uncertain in our lives in fact most

people go to great lengths to stay

out of that scary gray area

you know what i’m talking about we want

everything to go

exactly as planned so we follow a

societal blueprint

and we plan and we plan

even if we lose our true selves in the

process

it gives us a sense of control

over our lives a sense that we’re doing

what we’re supposed to do

we ask five-year-olds to tell us what

they want to be when they grow up

and we demand that high school seniors

know exactly what they plan to do with

the rest of their lives

when they’re not even old enough to vote

we grow up with all kinds of messaging

both

at home and in the media that puts value

on certainty on how

much and what we know

on following a clear tried and true path

that will lead us to the kind of

stability we’re supposed to have

many of us compare our lives to that of

the joneses you know

the ones who post pictures on social

media

of their perfect lives full of

perfect well thought out decisions

perfect health perfect careers perfect

parenting techniques perfect

relationships perfect

vacations i mean

they have it all figured out

they just know what they’re doing in

life

ah they’re so happy

except that’s a bunch of bull we may

have an

area of life or even two or three if

we’re lucky pretty much figured out

but no one has it all together

we just want people to think we do it

makes us

look reliable and smart

and successful and happy

and we want to look happy

we want to look happy so badly

that we’re willing to sacrifice actually

being happy for the facade of

looking happy i mean god forbid

someone finds out we may be struggling

financially

or spending 40 hours a week or more at a

job that we wish we could

walk out of tomorrow or a kid has

behavioral issues and we don’t know how

to fix it

our desire for certainty and control

and checking off the right boxes

gets in the way of us living our lives

fully

it robs us of the opportunity

to grow and learn and discover

ourselves and the world in a truly

authentic way because certainty

leaves no room for discovery

for failure for adventure

i would know my life has been quite the

adventure

in some exciting and not so exciting

ways

i started booking acting jobs when i was

six

i took a flying lesson when i was 11

because why

fly in a plane when you can fly the

plane

i started recording in professional

recording studios

when i was 14 my mom worked for an

airline

when i was growing up so i flew free so

naturally

when i was 17 i wanted creme brulee one

so i flew to paris myself overnight to

get some

the same year i wanted cajun food so i

flew to new orleans

for lunch and i met britney spears mom

and sister on the plane

and i asked them where to get lunch for

the record

she said to get a po boy in the french

quarter but i didn’t i got something

else

i traveled to kenya alone

when i was 19. i chose not

to go to college i was very fortunate to

have a mother who supported

this way of being i’m not a parent but

as a daughter i highly recommend

this parenting style but it wasn’t

all exciting i’ve also experienced quite

a bit

of trauma sexual abuse

sexual assault the domestic violence

that i mentioned earlier

and i was even mugged at gunpoint when i

was

17. that kind of trauma early on

has a way of making the brain expect

uncertainty according to a yale

university study on cognition

our brains crave stability

but benefit from volatility

we actually learn more in uncertain

environments

as our brains are forced to create and

update

a set of rules to help us predict how

our world works

from an evolutionary perspective

we gravitate toward the familiar as

experiences we’ve survived are

recognized by our brains

as safer than the unknown

our brains find comfort in the familiar

even when it’s associated with a

negative feeling so

a brain like mine finds comfort in

uncertainty and sometimes even chaos

because that’s what it knows best

maybe that’s why i so intentionally

created a life of adventure

growing up i gravitated toward

experiences that i

thought were positive uncertainty to

cope

with the negative uncertainty maybe

that’s why i’m an artist

i’m a songwriter i’m a singer and i

paint

so i’ve chosen arguably the

most uncertain career path

possible the music industry is just one

big ol

no with a yes sprinkled in every now and

then

it’s not the kind of career that

promises a promotion

or a raise for a job well done and there

are no

paid sick days or vacation days but

that’s the price i pay for the thrill of

getting to do

what i love and connecting with others

through my art

i’ll admit i’ve even found a thrill in

not

knowing how my rent would get paid

sometimes because

it felt like an adventure first i’d have

a meltdown

and feel sorry for myself and think it

was the end of the world but

it never is in reality it would force me

to be

resourceful and creative and

discover new parts of myself it was

always a doorway to new possibilities

that i’d never otherwise encounter

when i choose to be courageous and

humble and honest with

others about that uncertainty and

overall not having it figured outness i

connect with people more authentically

that’s because that’s all of us

even the joneses no one connects

on being perfect because it’s not a real

thing

we connect with our humility

with our humanity and i’m not suggesting

that we live in a world of complete

chaos

no i’m suggesting that we embrace

the inevitable uncertainty as it comes

and allow it to take us on an adventure

that may just lead us to the kind of

clarity

that frees us to be our authentic selves

as a creative i find most of my

inspiration

in those gray uncertain areas

i had zero experience in kids music

so naturally i just had to write a kids

song right

that song got my writing partner in me

a deal with nickelodeon to write songs

for

dory the explorer and dora and friends

into the city

which led to sesame street and others

this led to over 40 songs in those shows

airing all over the world every single

day

another example is my painting i thought

i just wasn’t good at it

that was until my good friend monique

asked me to paint a mural

of the disney princesses in her

daughter’s room

her daughter makayla was born with a

rare

liver disease and would need a

transplant so she wanted to make

michaela’s room

special i said yes

i had no idea what i was doing but i

figured i’d figure it out

here’s that painting and here are

some others that i’ve done

since that moment of figuring out i

could paint

some argue that i just have natural

talent

but i argue that my openness to the

possibilities

that existed in the uncertainty of not

knowing

how to paint is what allowed me to

figure it out in the first place

had i just decided that i didn’t know

how to paint

and i was unable to learn i would have

never

picked up a paintbrush it was embracing

the uncertainty that led to something

really beautiful

now i can’t imagine my life without it

i’ve been thinking a lot about

uncertainty lately

as everything in my life feels really

out of control

it even feels too uncertain for me

last year i was diagnosed with a rare

incurable autoimmune neuromuscular

disease

called myasthenia gravis

which causes weakness of the voluntary

muscles

the hallmark of mg is variability

uncertainty much sometimes

my days are somewhat normal as long as i

don’t overdo it

and sometimes i’m so weak that i can’t

hold up

a cup of coffee or wash my hair

or change my clothes or talk

without getting extremely weak or short

of breath

i went from being on a plane sometimes

every week

to not knowing what any given day will

look like for me

it’s affecting my voice right now as i

speak

just last year i was hospitalized with

my first

mg exacerbation which had me very close

to needing a ventilator to brief

i can’t control how this disease will

affect my body

but i can make adjustments that will

allow me to continue

to find adventure in the chaos

and uncertainty of it all

some days come with a lot

of frustration and tears

and humbling myself to

ask for and accept help

but it sure beats trying to keep up with

the fallacy that is the joneses

sometimes my voice gets weak

which makes it impossible

to work

as a songwriter and singer

similar weakness

also makes painting difficult

and sometimes existing difficult

this is not how i envisioned my life

but i refuse to just give up so i’m

learning

to paint my vision just a little

differently

that is an adventure all in itself

my message to you

when uncertainty comes your way

embrace please say

yes let go of the rules

let go of the shame allow it to take you

on an adventure

so you can truly live and connect

with yourself authentically because

if you’re not connecting with yourself

authentically

you’re not connecting with others fully

let uncertainty lead you

to that place of true clarity

let it challenge everything you think

you know

about your identity and your desires

and your abilities let it be

the breeding ground for inspiration

for that bold next step

there is so much there

for you to discover

life really is an adventure when you

make it one

thank you