The Future of Dating Careers in Matrimonies in Africa

afternoon ladies and gentlemen

okay i figured that was my fault not

yours

the future of dating careers and

matrimony in africa

has anybody ever thought about that

we’ve thought about technology

thought about everything else but nobody

has ever thought about

the future of dating

and matrimony marriages in africa

first and foremost this is the second

time

that relationships in africa has been

disrupted

the first time happened when

ships uh settled in and uh the nuclear

family was broken

the second time happened when technology

flew in and millennials felt that

the need to connect i felt the need to

connect to the world

i think that as african millennials

we have become so conscious about

technology everything moving

everyone’s talking about the fourth

industrial revolution

except for the advancement of human

beings and human relationships

and this is where it all started for me

i realized that the core of

our issue as africans was that our

cultures were so rigid

it was so fixed in traditions

it was so fixed on you know uh

our beliefs and then came people that

told us about religion

and so we were formed to believe in some

sort of structure and that formed our

society

but now the dangerous thing with that

was with the rigid mindset

you sort of just live your life with

like

shutters in your eyes so basically you

start a relationship

and six months into it you’re thinking

is this

it is this really it should there be

something else

and then you go on to your dating apps

and you find somebody else that seems to

have something that

fancies you and there goes your previous

partner

and on to the next this problem has

caused something that i’ve seen where

it literally kind of

implicates our need for meaning

and our need for success because this

is this its syndrome is typical to the

workplace

when you sit in a job and you’re

thinking is this it

should there be more what is my purpose

so now there’s this

constant conflict that we face as human

beings

in our dating careers where we are like

maybe there’s something else

but now this kind of conflicts with our

need for meaning

and how we define success and now even

though human beings

are wired for connection you find that

we have now traded places with uh our

careers

where as i’m saying relationships now

just like our careers

have become uh that we we use them in in

the same

typical kind of way i have seen that

with

is this its syndrome that african

millennials seek

identity more than anything else but

also african

millennials or millennials at large seek

connection

and these things become very

contradictory because in the pursuit for

identity you also have this need for

connection

but the pursuit for identity means that

you’re going to

sort of close yourself up and isolate

yourself to the world

when you’re trying to find it so you

want to be an individual

how does this affect us how does

dating careers in metro many affect us

how does is this

it affect us i went on and i thought

about that

in my life i live life as a as a african

millennial specialist which is why i’m

speaking about african millennials

specifically in the african space

a focus on human behavior and how it

affects us in technology

and more especially in relationships

written a book called finding makoti

which is an introspective book

that kind of goes on the journey about

manhood and

how modern men have been affected today

and how african men have been affected

today

so let’s get into it dating careers

now this is a subconsciously compiled

resume that we all have at the back of

our heads where

as you know remember those questions

where they asked you so how many girls

have you been with once you’re married

or

how many people have you slept with

these are the careers that we’re

actually starting to build

because now more than often we get into

more engagements and more careers and

more sexual connections

now i’ve also realized that we date

strangely these days it’s either

we date based on feelings and kind of

discount the logic aspect or we discount

the feelings

and date on logic we can’t seem to find

some sort of balance in that

and one of the core reasons that causes

that is

access right we have been

given so much access to the world that

we cannot take time now to

think introspect spend time with loved

ones give time

in this pursuit for time and uh wanting

quality time and

all these precious things we’ve actually

taken all that away

because of how the world has given us

access

we no longer are close but we’ve been

driven further apart especially in

africa

which was once called the dark continent

and now more than ever

we really do need that darkness to just

close us off off the toxicity

and everything that exists in the world

the second reason

has been that we are now prone to

adaptation

as africa like i said africa is a dark

continent or was called the dark

continent and all we ever do is just

catch up

and thinking about this it means that

every time it is that we adapt to

something that is foreign to us

we just have to stick to the systems

that are given to us

and now in global relations and the

trend that is going on

where you know like i said the use of

dating apps and everything else

has been so much chaos that has been

caused within the african landscape in

that regard

millennials african millennials to be

specific i’m now more confused than ever

about finding the right partner

the second thing that uh we now face

or the third thing rather that we now

face in in regards to dating

is that we see this thing called

individualism and like i said in the

beginning where

we have gone from a space where as

africans you know we used to have

community and we used to speak

to one another and all these amazing

things that were very human centric and

very important to

human beings and the human structure of

things now we face a time where everyone

wants to be

an individual where you shop how you

dress how you look

but the more it is that we want to be

individuals we actually end up looking

the same

i’ve seen this with women you know they

go shopping for clothes and then they

get to an event

and suddenly they’re all dressed in the

same way they wear the same hair

they have the same makeup on and this

was a very interesting question to me

because we’re trying to move

further away and be individuals but now

we seem to be more alike

and now there’s this thing that i’ve

also stumbled upon where

people have this i deserve someone that

can accept me the way i

am or love me for me this has caused us

to sort of be very selfish

in the way we approach love because it’s

no longer doing for somebody else but

doing for yourself

and this is because of isolation when

you’re sitting in an isolated

place you know as african millennials

when you’re in a monogamous relationship

with somebody

um you start to form a form

a possessive trait because you spend so

much time alone when you do find

somebody that fulfills a need that

you have craved for a long time you

start to possess them

so this basically means that you know

you want a person that can be with you

only for you you no longer want to serve

it’s about how this person can do for

you

and i find that very wild this leads to

the sense of entitlement amongst african

millennials

where they believe they deserve success

money happiness and happy relationships

i find it rather odd and this has led me

to this particular finding

where i realize that we as african

millennials

now sit in a place where we are now

marrying for money materialistic

matrimony

just a quick question has anybody ever

thought about that how you actually

now get into relationships to marry for

money anybody somebody

okay buy a show of hands has anybody

ever thought about

how people are now marrying for money

yes put your hands up if you believe

that

interesting

how many people believe that money is

important in relationships of hands

interesting how many people believe that

financial provision

is a man’s job ladies

interesting how many people believe in

equality in relationships in marriage

hands up a lot of feminists in the room

interesting

so here you are saying that you want a

man to provide but yet you want equality

but here you are saying that you believe

that money is important in the

relationship

but who brings in the money so where is

the equality in that

and what exactly do we call this thing

called equality

the crazy thing is now lions have

blurred and

life has just become so much confusing

because

women now these days as i’ve seen it as

a man you want a man with the right kind

of job who drives the right kind of car

and somebody who has the right kind of

clothes and the right kind of brands

and this is how we identify with

ourselves so

you’re sitting unhappy and you’re alone

and then

you would want somebody that like can

kind of fulfill that need and what they

have

and what the finance can bring them i

find it pretty absurd

this leads to this thing called

insecurities now

our desire for this chase for this

modern life that we live

has caused us now to be insecure human

beings

and this is going to lead to a

phenomenon that we call

chronic loneliness just by a show of

hands if you’re brave enough how many of

you feel lonely

wow if you were brave but i believe that

everybody else does

and this chronic loneliness leads to

something that is going to come up in

the next decade

that is called emotional illness i’m

sure we’re sure

we’re all aware of mental illnesses

right yes

in the next decade we’re going to face

something that is called emotional

illness because people have discovered

that

your mental state and your emotional

state are actually two different things

and now more than ever we are suffering

from emotional illness and once you

start suffering from this bug called

emotional illness in however

way they’ll diagnose it that means that

your ability to feel

is now disabled i think that’s pretty

dangerous

the one thing that we need as human

beings to feel

becomes disabled and it will now be

labeled an illness

if you cannot do that thanks to

technology

how do we fix this now this is where it

gets interesting right

i have realized that as africans and as

african millennials

separating ourselves from the rest of

the world because i realize that the

world is what actually caused this

we were fine we need to head back a

couple of steps number one

we need to unlearn unlearning is the one

thing that i think a lot of human beings

need to start doing because we always

keep learning and taking things in

but now more than ever we need to take

time to unlearn and as

richard raw actually really uh uh

defines it he says transformation

is often more about unlearning than

learning so let’s stop with trying to

know more

and trying to know better and actually

sit down

and start unlearning how do we do that

well

we need to start rethinking modern

relationships and redirect our need for

belonging

because the need for belonging is what

got us here

number two we need to reconsider western

romanticism and explore modern

traditional

and cultural ideologies

as africans number three

we need to redefine african tradition

because you see

we faced a time where technology was

coming in our parents was telling us

this and we wanted to kind of figure out

what is right what is wrong the one

thing that we haven’t done is to sit

down and say

where are the scholars how do they now

start philosophizing and coming up with

ideologies

that are going to modernize african

traditions we don’t have to lose them

we don’t have to give up one for the

other but if we take the other

we will be lost and if we take what was

the former

we will still be lost in the dark

continent so we need to find a way to

navigate in between that

we need to also reinstitute and

re-evaluate this thing called lobola as

a trade-off

right because the biggest problem that

we face in metro many today

is how lobola is perceived and what its

use is for

my idea has been that lobola needs to be

now taken as

a form of trade-off and literally be put

into a form of

inheritance you know for future family

so for example ladies

if your husband decides to divorce you

for whatever reason

you still have these funds to carry you

through and your kids

the kids can still go to school and i’m

now thinking

will he actually leave you chances are

not would he want to give up that money

knowing that he still has it banked

somewhere

that’s what i really think about this

idea called lobola

also we need to start to explore the

state of african millennialism now

millennialism is a state of joy

a state of happiness this uh euphoric

place

that we all feel that we can belong but

as africans

how do we take millennialism and

actually define it first in a way that

it makes sense

we are all actually happy we don’t

suffer from chronic illnesses

where we don’t suffer from emotional

illnesses how are we going to start

doing that

and this is something that i really need

you to think about but before i go

i want to also introduce to you this

concept where in the past decade there

was this thing called

you know aesthetics and personal

branding we’re still there entering into

a new decade next year

and what happened is that people on have

now put themselves in a position where

you are perceived as you are not what

you are

and funny enough when a lot of you meet

a lot of people that you see on the

social that has perceived themselves as

they’re not what you thought they were

but now in this current decade or the

forthcoming decade

new concepts are going to start rising

which one we have seen which is

authenticity

awareness is a second one and

meaningfulness is the third one and i

want

us to sort of start thinking about these

three things

as individuals and how we can better

ourselves as human beings because as

much as

technology is there for us and it will

help us the one thing

that you will not survive in that fourth

industrial revolution phase

is yourself do you want to die do you

want to be ill

chances are no so stop looking into

this concept of authenticity awareness

and meaningfulness

authenticity first and foremost you’ve

got to find who you authentically are

take time away from from the world and

figure out who you are

away from ideologies things that you’ve

been taught things that you understand

about how the world was the structures

the systems

sit down and be like how am i going to

be a true and authentic human being

number two you need to be very

self-aware before self-love which you

see the world

is preaching that quite a lot you need

to be self-aware before you can actually

love yourself

and how do you go about being self-aware

secondly you need to start mastering

your skills and the things that you do

and your abilities so that it can draw

you away

from wanting to belong thirdly there’s

this beautiful concept that is called

fluidity

now fluidity means that you are able to

flow constantly

within whatever challenges and

everything else that you face remember

what i said in the beginning

we were taught systems and structures

and africans

lived life in a rigid form and right now

more than ever

african millennials need to start

exploring this form of fluidity

how do you be fluid how do you navigate

amongst political economical climates

and also with regards to relations

now the beautiful thing about everything

that i said is that

this is word that is called quality of

life

the one thing that all that is going to

do for you and the idea that i was

trying to bring to this table

was that we need to start focusing on

the quality of our lives

because after instagram has passed

facebook people that you socialize with

alcohol the hangouts the events the

photos

what remains when you die what legacy do

you leave

who is around you and the only way

to get to this quality of life is by

making sure that you’re very self-aware

that you’re a fluid human being and that

also that you have mastered your skill

sets your personality

and everything that is at the core of

you and that you are very conscious

about where your life is going and who

you are around

so how do we still have a chance at

relationships and marriage in the future

i believe so yes

and the only way like i said was when

you take time

to reconsider reevaluate how you date

what you date who has damaged you in the

past

how broken you are as a human being and

actually

sit down like just recollect get rid of

the dump

and i think there when you are at that

place where you truly know who you are

then you will find somebody that is

similar to you because

only the aware is either aware and only

the awareness either unaware

but when you are unaware there’s nothing

that you’re going to see you’re going to

keep tripling

into these things and you’re going to

have this long list and this long resume

of failed relationships the change

is going to start with unlearning and

then finding yourself

ladies and gentlemen my name is scotty i

know i was a bit trippy in the beginning

but thank you for listening to my ted

talk

you