Uncertainty Tolerated The Surprising Clarity when Managing Ambiguity

our tedx talk is about exploration

i’m thrilled to be with you today and i

want to have a conversation about a

topic that i’m really passionate about

i’ve spent decades studying this i

failed a lot and i’ve also learned from

some of the world’s best on this topic

and i want to enter into a dialogue now

you’re going to hear from some superb

speakers

that are going to discuss a range of

topics from emotions in the workplace

to the power of resilience i want to

talk about something a little bit

different

something a little vague something a

little bit uncomfortable

but before i do let me step back and let

you know that i have the pleasure of

interacting with a thousand young adults

a year

and an equal number of generation xers

and even baby boomers

and the sentiments are the same you’ve

heard them

anxiety uncertainty confusion

hesitation i think it’s time we go deep

on this

and let’s peel and find out what’s

behind us take a moment now

and listen and feel the follow-up

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i know it’s a serious topic let’s

embellish it a little bit more through

the use of some great stories

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i feel uncertain and what it is that i’m

supposed to be doing

and figuring out how i spend my time and

what i want my life to look like

i begin to wonder am i doing this right

am i doing this wrong

am i on the right path am am i on the

wrong path

and i just can’t seem to figure that one

out and i wish it was clear

what the next steps were why is this

happening to me right now nothing is

going right in my life

my parents are fighting i’m in a toxic

relationship i’m getting kicked out of

school

and it doesn’t seem to stop the list of

sufferings just keeps going

on and on am i ever going to be able to

escape this

ever there i was standing in front of

the wait staff at a local restaurant

asking for the key to the restroom she

paused gave me this up and down

looked at both keys and we both realized

in that moment

she didn’t know which one to give me

it’s awkward

it’s airports gas stations bars my

office

really anywhere there’s a public

restroom

what may be a routine activity for all

of you is this

anxiety ridden roller coaster for me

recently i made a very important

personal decision that really moved the

needle into the uncertainty zone

in addition to all the other things i

already had on my plate

a single parent full-time student

full-time employee

i recently lost my father so self-doubt

really started to curl up

along with high anxiety and stress and i

thought i was going to break down

i didn’t know if i could stay positive

for my son

airports offices hotels meetings

dinners leave on a monday back on a

friday

sometimes even at the weekend this was

the life that i was living

as a senior vice president of a fortune

50 company

i was good at it i enjoyed it i was

comfortable

my job was predictable right up until

the point

that i decided to become an entrepreneur

does anyone need a hug

after watching that listen i promise you

it’s not all doom and gloom today

but first we got to get our head and our

heart into this topic

there’s a common thread among those

stories i’m not going to say it’s going

to be

confusion anxiety hesitation

there’s something deeper going on

there’s a root cause we’re not talking

about

and let’s talk about it now i believe

the root cause is one word

ambiguity and more specifically your

ability to manage ambiguity

or not that can make all the difference

now listen it’s not just at the

individual level

in our world today ambiguity is

everywhere

and is abhorred markets crash when

there’s ambiguity

parents struggle coaching their kids in

an ambiguous situation

just take the last year and finally new

career individuals launching into the

world

trying to figure out where to go what to

do what industry to take and what job to

clean

ambiguous situations all around let’s

define what we’re talking about with

ambiguity

what do we do oftentimes we go to

webster’s so let’s go to webster’s i’m

going to pull this up on my phone you

have it up on the screen

let’s see if websters can help us out

with ambiguity all right definition

number one

the quality or state of being ambiguous

especially in meaning

well that’s not helpful number two a

word or expression that can be

understood in two or more ways an

ambiguous word or expression

still not helpful by the way i thought

you couldn’t define the term and the

definition that you’re using

never mind number three uncertainty

okay webster’s not much help but you

know what ambiguity is you can feel it

it’s this amorphous blurry experience

in which what we want more than anything

is clarity

let’s take a look at three real-life

examples that are full of ambiguity

and not necessarily a lot of clarity hey

babe how’s it going last night was dope

yeah not gonna lie want to hang this

weekend

hello are you there

are you ghosting me what’s the

turnaround time on a text or a snapchat

is it five minutes and is it five hours

and who knows the difference

ambiguity but it’s not just the modern

dating world

if you back up and look this next

generation coming up which i think has

the potential to be one of the best

if they can manage ambiguity want all

three what i call the trifecta

financial security through a budding

career make the planet a better place to

live

and at the same time while you’re doing

that design the lifestyle that you want

talk about an ambiguous situation how do

you manage that trifecta

lastly let’s talk about jobs an area

passionate for me as well

55 percent of undergraduates in this

country

unfortunately have the potential of

being

under or unemployed one year after

graduation from a university

how do you avoid being a statistic on a

government chart the common thread among

these three use cases i know you see it

now

it’s ambiguity and there’s a profound

lack of clarity of what to expect

what steps to take and how to manage

ambiguity in those situations

we’re going to offer you a partial

antidote today and make it real through

the use of some more compelling real

stories

but first i want to share another

passion of mine cue it andrew

nice toss buddy naomi osaka one of the

world’s greatest tennis players

amazing she also has an amazing quote

always being on the move doesn’t always

mean you’re moving your life in the

right positive direction

i couldn’t agree more naomi staying in

ambiguity tolerating it good things will

come

and now let’s apply ambiguity to

something we’re all passionate about

our livelihood or jobs employers what

our employers do

they have a job posting a thousand

people apply for it

and they have 10 competencies that

you’ve got to match and they filter out

998 people that don’t match those

competencies now wait a minute does that

make sense to you

are there individuals that applied that

potentially with talent and the right

coaching could do the job

job search platforms i’m not going to

name them but you know who they are

they tout that they’re the number one

place to find a job yet 73

of employers maintain it’s really hard

to find the right candidate using those

platforms

instead let’s flip this and i’m gonna

ask you a hard question would you

consider

as an employer would you consider hiring

on promise

and talent would you consider as a job

seeker

spending eighty percent of your time

building relationships and networking

and only twenty percent online that’s

uncomfortable isn’t it

ambiguous but can make all the

difference what have we done so far

we’ve had a good discussion

about ambiguity you’ve heard some

sentiments that were compelling some

statistics that may be thought-provoking

and i can hear you i hear it cyrus now

what what do we do about this

now let’s talk about this partial

antidote we can manage ambiguity more

effectively

in these three steps i’m going to want

you to define it

tolerate it and action it let’s take

each one of these one by one

to define ambiguity set the context now

the context could be people

process environment we can’t give you a

full checklist because it depends

go to the next step tolerate there’s a

hard one

by tolerating the ambiguity you’re going

to be in a better position

to seek clarity i want you to as one

colleague says stay in it

suffer a little bit ambiguity good

things will come in the long run

and then finally do what you do best

action it oh i’ve seen your excel

spreadsheets and your to-do list

you’re amazing at it which is why the

size of the circle is the biggest of all

three

and let me tell you what i think of that

a better way and now let me show you a

better way

could you spend 80 of your time in

defining it and tolerating it

and only 20 of your time and actioning

it

feels uncomfortable but i assure you it

can make all the difference

now let’s get out of academics take this

partial antidote

and apply it to the three use cases we

talked about before

first the modern world of dating

apparently there is going to be a

framework for dating and we have at the

bottom wrong hanging out

that’s actually a term then there could

be talking which ironically doesn’t

involve talking but actually texting or

snapchatting

but never mind that’s another time and

then we have being a thing

not the movie it’s a term and then

finally

dating which could be the equivalent of

actual marriage but notice

we have defined the world of dating we

have

tolerated the ambiguity of response time

because now what we’re going to say is

the higher up you go in intimacy on this

triangle

the faster the response time should be

in text or snapchat or any other social

media device

see what we did there we just reduced

ambiguity

using the model let’s define a period of

your time

in which you choose one of those goals

tolerate the ambiguity of not dealing

with the other two

and in time you can have impact of all

three

because you can have it all you just

can’t have it all at once

finally with career management if you

are

in mid-career would you consider

tolerating moving to a new industry

you’ve never been in

because you have transferable skills if

you’re up and coming

would you apply for a job that wasn’t

your major again

can you define and tolerate the

ambiguity because it might lead to

something powerful

now let’s check back with our special

guests on how they’ve managed the

partial antidote

to arrive at something pretty profound i

need to define what it is that i’m

looking for

i want a purpose-driven job and i want

to be able to significantly impact the

world around me for the better

i ask myself who does this work now what

does that work look like

who do i know and who do they know once

i’ve answered these

i’ve defined where i’m at i can do this

since we can’t escape ambiguity we have

to learn how to tolerate it

to tolerate means to accept or endure

how do you do this by having hope

hope is what got me from rock bottom and

it’ll get you out of rock bottom too

my authenticity invites ambiguity period

it means always assessing the situation

do i think this person is ready to

engage in meaningful conversation

in those scenarios i’m going to tolerate

it so it doesn’t exacerbate

in other instances i do think there’s an

opportunity to take action and educate

in the moment

you know ambiguity doesn’t always have

to come from a point of malice

and if we’re able to kind of meet people

where they’re at we can create some

meaningful change

there was no clarity everything was so

ambiguous

did i make the right decision what am i

going to do when my son goes to college

i had all these questions and no answers

so i decided to just pause

and stay the course i have to keep going

and i’m going to get my mba and watch

all of this pay off

as an entrepreneur i replaced structure

and predictability

with ambiguity of learning new things

like sales and marketing

of doing things myself instead of

delegating

but did i have what it takes to be an

entrepreneur

was i too old was i too rigid it was

humbling

i dealt with this ambiguity by getting

myself a business partner my son charlie

i surrounded myself with people who

wanted to be on the same journey as me

and i sought partnerships from other

entrepreneurs

now i feel i have what it takes to be a

great entrepreneur

and i love it my friends we’ve covered a

lot of ground today it’s been my

privilege to be part of this tedx

there’s one last piece of this

conversation that’s missing

and this one’s gonna hurt i’m gonna need

you when you’re dealing with profound

ambiguity in your life

wait for it to close the lid i want you

to power off the phone i know right

and here’s why i implore you to engage

in human self contemplation

whatever that looks like for you some of

you journal some of you take walks

some of you meditate true human self

contemplation

is going to give you this big picture

and speaking of big picture let me close

with a quick story another passion of

mine

cue it andrew is this game called soccer

and many parents and coaches are

familiar with this phenomenon called

bunch ball

it’s when wonderful beautiful little

kids are around the ball and they’re all

bunching

and they won’t pass no you first no me

first it drives

coaches crazy it drives parents even

crazier

after one particularly bad bunch ball

saturday i took my kids yay high

to a local yogurt shop met this

beautiful individual that happened to be

on the olympic soccer team

and he said oh i know how to solve bunch

ball

a flurry of customers came in five

minutes i’m waiting ten minutes i’m

waiting the kids are starting to scream

yogurt’s melting i’m like we’re not

leaving until i get this bunch ball

answer

i’ll never forget the moment in which

this beautiful individual kneeled down

to my kids and looked both at them and

said

the cure to solving bunch ball is chin

up

only by having your chin up can you see

the lanes of passing

in this beautiful game only having your

chin up will you be able to see

ambiguity now

not as an enemy but as something to be

invited

you got this now let’s start a

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conversation