Which Box Do I Check

[Music]

[Applause]

which box do i check

i recently wrestled with this question

as i filled out the united states census

black white

and now they recently added white

non-hispanic which is interesting to me

because i didn’t see

asian non-hispanic or black non-hispanic

and what do those boxes do for me anyway

how do they define me what if

like many first-generation americans

born of immigrant parents

none of those boxes define me at all

a colleague recently asked so what do i

call someone like you you know

someone of spanish background is a

proper term latina

or is it hispanic or is it spanish

let me take this opportunity to clarify

a very common point of confusion

even among spanish speakers

the term spanish refers to someone who

was actually

born in the country of spain so

automatically calling anyone who speaks

spanish

spanish is akin to calling anyone who

speaks english

british or english that should be simple

enough

here’s where it gets confusing the term

latina

or latino or the gender-neutral latinx

and some pronounce it latinx

refers to someone of latin american or

central american background

which begs the question where does this

leave the caribbean

my family is cuban some would call us

latino but you wouldn’t call it jamaican

latino

okay what about the term my mother

abhorrently refers to as

the h word the term hispanic

was actually introduced by the nixon

administration

for the 1970 census it sought to put an

umbrella

over everyone that spoke spanish in the

caribbean

and latin america well great that covers

cubans

but not brazilians who are in latin

america but do not speak spanish

their language is portuguese so

they would be latino but not hispanic

confused yet don’t worry about it

many people are so many people prefer to

identify

with their country of origin

colombian-american

mexican-american some would call me

cuban-american

but that i feel would be more

appropriate for my mother who was

actually

born in cuba came to america when she

was seven

as a cuban exile she grew up in was

educated in

and became a citizen in the united

states

why can’t i simply be american

that was the burning question when i was

growing up

listening to rock and roll playing the

eagles on my guitar

obsessively watching mtv and turning my

nose

at my parents salsa morenga music

i considered myself as american as apple

pie

although i do prefer my grandmother’s

cuban flan

sorry but the problem was

that when i was growing up no one on

american tv or radio

looked like me the women celebrated in

the videos

always had long feathery blonde hair

light eyes and skinny hips

that was a symbol of beauty even in

latin america

the telemundo soap opera stars also look

like this

white being deified

my great-grandmother was black i

inherited her

curly hair and her voluptuous curves

things i was told as a child were curses

i would hear whispers among my family

she’s such a cute girl too bad she was

born with

pelo malo like a disease

bad hair but pelo malo

really means black people hair hair

indicative of our african roots

girls who look like me when i was

growing up were going through painful

measures

to actually iron the kink out of their

hair

we were starving ourselves in an attempt

to lose our curves

i would get snapped at don’t eat that

it’s only going to make your big butt

even bigger

i was 12.

and i constantly felt ugly

and like i didn’t belong anywhere

not really black not really white not

really cuban and apparently

not american enough oh my family would

proudly argue

you’re cuban but when i identify this

way with someone who actually just came

from cuba and they say

oh what part of cube are you from and i

say

oh i’ve never actually been to cuba

then they say americana

you’re not cuban you’re american

can’t seem to find the answer that

pleases everyone

when i was 17 years old my first week at

new york university

i met this new eureka boy who wore his

culture like a badge of honor

and he asked me so what are you

i said what do you mean he said yeah

where you from

i said oh i’m from miami he said

ah so you’re cuban i said well

no i mean my parents were born in cuba

but i’m american

he said typical miami cuban girl huh

always trying to pass as white

i said uh but i am white

he said no you’re not you’re hispanic

i said hispanic is not a color it’s not

even a race

to which he replied girl

why are you trying to deny your roots

we agreed to disagree i wasn’t trying to

deny my roots

but he didn’t ask me about my roots he

asked me where i was

from i’m from the united states of

america

it became a question of identity he

wanted to put me in his

identity box i refused to be boxed in

i was independent for the first time in

my life in new york city

i wanted to be seen for me for my likes

and dislikes

my talents my skills and besides

as an nyu drama major the last thing you

want is to be typecast

one of the most basic human needs

as evidenced by watching young children

at play

is the need to be seen and seen for our

accomplishments

just watch kids playing they’re not

concerned about

skin color or accents or what their hair

looks like

look mom look what i can do

look what i can do

we want to be seen for our actions the

only

box children are concerned with is the

sandbox

it’s later as we start to grow

and we start to absorb the views and the

prejudices of those around us of tv and

media

that we start to box people in

and ourselves accepting limiting beliefs

we box ourselves in all the time and not

just based on things like heritage

but things like our age

our gender even our body types

think about it how many boxes do you put

yourself in

my paternal grandmother lilia rosa

gandul was a woman who defied the boxes

she came from cuba

as someone who was fleeing

from tyranny leaving everything she knew

behind

exiled she came to america with nothing

nothing but her babies in hand not even

a formal education

but what she did have was a strong

vision for herself

and her family and she was not about to

limiting beliefs not as a woman and not

as an immigrant

instead she went on to create and

operate

several successful businesses

she will always be a testament to me of

what you can do

when you refuse to let yourself get

boxed in

you create your story

but i get it as americans were sold on

the boxes

told what to think obsessed with labels

why because they’re shortcuts to

thinking

because it’s easier it’s easier to box

somebody in

than to dig deep and really get to know

them

easier to buy into pre-fabricated

stories

to make snap judgments we do it all the

time

according to forbes magazine within the

first seven seconds of meeting

people will have formed a solid

impression of who you are

seven seconds a more recent series of

studies by princeton psychologists

reveal that all it takes is a tenth of a

second

to form an impression of a stranger from

their face

a tenth of a second holy cow

so that means that you see this

and within a tenth of a second you have

told yourself

a story

but what if we could retrain our brains

not to do this how do we do that mitch

great question the first step

to changing any automatic behavior is to

bring awareness to it

to the instant it’s happening now i’ve

been practicing this for some time and i

can tell you

it’s not easy but whenever i find myself

in a situation where i’m making a snap

judgment i will stop

catch myself and identify huh you’re

judging

then the next step is to tell yourself

i don’t really know this person’s story

or the underlying reasons behind

what they do just consider

that there’s more to know that’s a

powerful

first step

now as the years went on i grew to

embrace

my cultures curls and curves

the afro-cuban queen of salsa went from

being my parents music

to my music as well i still love my rock

and roll

but i found a place for both in my life

and yet there’s still the question

which box do i check i want to check

rather not say but then i hear my

college friend in my ear

girl still trying to deny your roots but

it’s not that

the truth is that like many

first-generation americans

i am many and none of those boxes

perhaps it’s time to get rid of the

boxes altogether

let people be who they are not where

they are from

or where their families have been and

definitely not the color of their skin

what if instead we see them for things

like how they treat people around them

how gracefully or not they deal with

adversity

see them for their true accomplishments

what if instead of asking

so what are you we asked

what’s your story the prejudices that

come with boxing people in will only

dissolve

if we continue to share our unique

stories

continue to educate those who want to

learn unfortunately

not everybody will want to learn not

everybody wants to see a different point

of view

to some people admitting error is

terrifying being right

is so tied in with their identity often

when i’m coaching my executive clients

i’ll ask this question do you want to be

right

or do you want to be effective

the smart leaders always answer

effective

the only way we will be effective and

influence some positive changes in our

society

is not by focusing on those who are too

closed off to learn anything

but focus instead on those who do seek

to understand the flip side of this

is don’t be afraid to be wrong

and admit when you’re wrong don’t be

afraid

to ask a question that you fear might

sound stupid

who cares if sounding stupid

leads you to greater wisdom and

understanding isn’t it worth the

temporary embarrassment

i mean it’s like yoga sometimes you have

to fall on your face a couple of times

before you master a new pose right

eventually you get it

so i want to invite you to do two things

one dig deeper

stop boxing people in instead

ask meaningful questions have diverse

conversations

really get to know the story of that

person in front of you it may

seem fantastic

and two stop

boxing yourself in

you don’t belong in a box you have a

history

embrace it in all its beauty but you

also

have the power to create your story

moving forward

don’t let others place limitations on

you based on which box

they think you should check

you create your story

it’s time we all flew beyond these boxes

together it’s time to stretch our

horizons

thank you

[Music]

you