Talking to Strangers

march 13

2020 was the last time i stepped into

school for a normal day of classes

it was the last time i saw my teachers

and friends in person

now i only see my teachers through a

screen i only see my

classmates as icons in meetings and i

only see my friends through facetime

or socially distance gatherings

i don’t know what half of my classmates

actually look like and i haven’t seen

some friends in over a year now

i’m sure the same is true for many of

you

the past year we have all become

incredibly distanced from one another

almost everyone i used to know is a

stranger

years ago this would have been an ideal

environment

my sophomore self would have loved to

stay home all day

hardly interacting with anyone now

i find myself wanting to interact with

more people on a daily basis

and this is all because of one moment

that led me to an experiment i never

thought i would conduct

two summers ago i visited college on one

of the hottest days of the year

because of this my dad and i stopped to

get a drink in a vending machine

it wasn’t working we tried again still

wasn’t working

during these attempts i noticed someone

was trying to get our attention

but i know he tried again and i still

ignored him

did he need something did my dad and i

do something wrong

after he called out a third time i

finally turned around

he explained that the vending machine

had been working for a while but

told us where i was people got injured i

felt incredibly guilty for ignoring him

i wish i had acknowledged him sooner

this moment made my father and i

realized how closed off we make

ourselves to the rest of the world

was i really so rude that everybody more

so who’s just trying to help

yes i was

i knew my behavior was a result of my

upbringing

from the time we were born we are told

that we shouldn’t interact with

strangers in any way

shape or form i’m sure you all remember

the term stranger danger

and what it meant growing up my dad was

always sure to tell me that i shouldn’t

approach other people

and should be safe i can clearly

remember many cases

when my parents would completely ignore

someone trying to talk to them

regardless of what their intentions were

because my parents tend to act this way

as i was growing up i

ended up being the exact same way why

though

did they feel the need to instill this

fear in me of other people

the answer local news

day after day especially in chicago we

hear about murders

robberies raids and any other dangerous

events you can think of on local news

chicago however isn’t as dangerous as it

seems

out of 25 major cities in the u.s

chicago is the 21st most dangerous

and according to cnn homicide drapes

were dropping

for the third year in a row in 2019.

why then does it seem that chicago is

this super violent city

it’s because the media chooses to focus

on it often times

being about hyper focuses on it but

exaggerates the violence that occurs in

certain communities

resulting in the mischaracterization of

them this

ultimately leads to people having a

false view of chicago

and i was one of those people

after realizing how closed off i was to

the rest of the world and how

disconnected i had become i decided i

wanted to make a concerted effort to

talk to and connect to the people around

me i almost immediately regretted my

decision

after all it was a drastic change to my

normal lifestyle

and as a shy person slightly

interpretive person

it was even worse because i don’t

normally seek out relationships with new

people

when i do which is very rare i end up

with a pounding heart

and so i can’t that fear of rejection

takes over

despite this i wanted to talk to people

because i knew

i was extremely disconnected and i knew

everything more closed off than was

necessary

this was terrifying i had no idea where

to start

do i just walk up to somebody while i’m

on the sidewalk do i just

start talking to someone i’m sitting

next to you on the train

these options were not pure they pumped

up my heart rate just by thinking about

them

i had to start somewhere though and

fortunately

i walked right into my first opportunity

one day when i walked my way over to the

elevators in the building that i live in

i noticed somebody was already waiting

there immediately i began to think of

things that i can say to him

i also told myself to relax multiple

times and then i probably wouldn’t see

him again

when we entered the elevator there was

silence where i considered whether or

not i would actually say something

i hadn’t thanked him because i don’t

live under a high floor

after it was probably two seconds but

fell into years

i mentioned the one anyone’s willing to

talk about that right

we discussed the shockingly cool weather

until we reached the floor that i went

on

and as the elevator doors closed behind

me i realized i had found

step one ask a question

about something within your immediate

surroundings

at first when i asked this man what do

you think of the weather

or when i told him hey it’s really cold

outside

i only did that because i knew it was

small talk i knew it was something

people did to start conversations

small talk however is just talking about

things with immediate surroundings

or that both parties have just

experienced that both parties can easily

relate to

i knew that by asking about the weather

i could start up a conversation without

making him feel as being too personal

or too changes now when i talked to that

men in the elevator

i actually jumped the gun i didn’t think

about my safety first

he lived in the same building which made

him easier to approach

but how can we tell if someone is safe

to talk to

this was a challenge during my

exploration because i know as a young

woman there are many possible

consequences to

starting up a conversation with the

wrong person

there are however less people we need to

feel than we think

many of us believe we shouldn’t talk to

strangers because they are dangerous

but the people we should be most worried

are the people we think we already

understand

after all they are statistically more

likely to harm them

what i should have started with learning

questionnaire in the elevator was with

what we can call stack zero

step zero is where you identify whether

or not approaching a structure

will have an impact on your safety one

of the best examples of this

was when i had a conversation with a

dancer i met at a competition

we were in a familiar environment that

was filled with many people

and was also monitored so i knew i would

be safe

step zero complete i then asked her

about when her team performed

this again helped me start up the

conversation without making her feel

i was too personal or to know step one

complete

from there we talked about many things

related to the event

we talked about what our team performed

what style she was

costumes etc more importantly though

when i talked to this girl we had

something that connected us

and that was dance this was important

because it allowed us to talk about

something we actually cared about

sure i could talk to the man in the

elevator about

the weather but it wasn’t something that

personally mattered to either of us

this is what we can call step two

where you find a personal connection

outside the atmosphere that helps you

connect to the person you’re talking to

yes i know this is nothing extraordinary

but it was an important step for me to

understand what defining the process

of connecting with a person you have to

reach beyond the atmosphere

you have to find something personal

now although the dancer and i had a more

personal conversation

we were limited by time awards were

starting soon

so we never got to anything more than

days

this made me ask myself how could i have

a conversation with someone like i am

i was practically gifted the opportunity

to do so

but it wasn’t a place i never really

expected

then huh if you’ve ever been to minneton

you know there’s a specific setup of

your scene there are eight chairs

set up around the flat top row and if

your party doesn’t take up all the seats

you’re seated with another part my

family decided to go there on new year’s

eve

we didn’t take up all the seats so we

were sat with two other parties

one was a couple that had kids in

college and the other

was the mother with her son it was quite

a busy night

so there was going to be time before we

were going to be

served and the presentation would begin

i decided i was going to talk

to the mother immediately to my left

step 0 was simple i had my family by my

side

and we were in a monitoring environment

step one however

took a little bit more time before i

even said anything

i spent maybe 20 minutes debating what i

would say

i was saying something i had like just

ask her about how often she’s been here

or just say something about new year’s

eve

i’m sorry to tell you that if you are a

little bit shy

or if you are a little bit introverted

like me

this part is always going to be

difficult

i forced the worst out of my mouth i

asked her if she had ever been to the

restaurant before

she surely replied that she had been

several times and always enjoyed the

food

step one complete she then responded

she asked me how many times i have done

that and what i thought as well

this lifted a huge weight off my

shoulders because i knew she was

responsive

from there we talked about different

elements of the restaurant

we talked about how chefs cram between

tables dessert for people we talked

about food

and we talked about the presentation of

it as well

from there we built on it to find our

first personal connection

we talked about where we had drove

driven from

to get to the restaurant which led to us

comparing the year’s traditions with

family

this was step two from there

we built on them we talked about our

year

we talked about our favorite memories of

our best moments

this was step three expand on a slightly

personal

topic to find other unrelated but still

personal topics

we covered many grams that gave me a

great idea of who she was

her son even joined in on the

conversation after i mentioned something

he could relate to

this was easier for him because the

mother and i had broken conversational

that conversational barrier between

groups

even my dad who taught me how to ignore

people joined another conversation

after a while all three parties were

talking together

the fancy presentation in front of us

was no longer

just a way to avoid eye contact i was no

longer

afraid of the people around me and i

knew how to connect with them

i felt like made extraordinary progress

at this point

i discovered the four steps that it

takes to form a connection with someone

you don’t know

sure i haven’t reinvented socializing or

anything

but i met all the goals that i set out

at the beginning of my journey

i reached this point by early 2020

early january and had hoped to continue

my journey

up until now the pandemic changed my

plan entirely

by early march i knew i was no longer

going to be able to talk to strangers

in the way i had learned to with the

inevitable fear of others

and the use of face masks that came with

a pandemic approaching others became

difficult

face masks made looking welcoming and

approachable and possible

and everyone was more afraid of the

people around them than they had ever

been

i knew i was going to have to wait a lot

until i could talk to strangers again

and i did wait near the end of 2020

and early 2021 when things began opening

back up again

i took the opportunities that i had to

reach out to strangers that i would see

on the rare occasions that i would leave

my house

i wanted to see how much has changed

since the last time i had talked to

strangers

and hard to be misconnected with them

i found that i along with the people i

met were a lot more tangible

the six foot barrier that everyone was

trying to maintain

didn’t help either i had to be more

forward than i had ever been before

i could no longer rely on just making

eye contact

or smiling to catch somebody’s attention

there were however some benefits that

came with talking to people

post pandemic and during the recovery

there were less people around so i was

able to more clearly focus on the person

i was talking to

and we had face masks which provided the

comfort that the person i was going to

talk to

wouldn’t really see my face talking to

strangers

is difficult but if you can work towards

making a connection with one person

you’ll find yourself appreciating them

and the people around you

a lot more as you probably noticed

throughout all of these stories

i always started with the question and

shocking

but once you start with that

it’s much easier to build on what you’re

talking about

find more personal connections and

expand and get a great understanding of

who the person you are talking to is

now you may still be wondering why

reaching out on your comfort zone and

going to people is worth it originally i

was going to tell you that

talking to strangers can add to your day

in the way you wouldn’t expect

just like the guy at the vending machine

that’s true

but the pandemic has given us even more

of a reason to reach out to others

than ever before we’ve all been standing

in our homes

avoiding other people and keeping our

cameras off during weeks

we are more disconnected from the people

in our lives than we have ever been

regardless of if they’re a stranger or a

close friend

we can’t let that disconnection continue

as we return to life as it was before

the pandemic

trust me i know it’s hard but

i encourage you to remember the steps

i’ve shared with you today

and the stories that i’ve shared with

you today and just how simple connecting

with someone can be

i’m not saying that anytime you get the

chance you should

spark up a conversation with someone you

see but

the next time you’re put in a spot and

it’s easy to talk to someone

if you take advantage of it say hi to

someone you sit next to

on a train or maybe say hello to me

if you ever see me buy vending machine

thank you