The Danger Of Being A Role Model

[Music]

now even though i’m doing this tedx talk

this is probably one of the hardest

things i’ve ever had to do

this and i remember filming my first

youtube video

because speaking to the camera was just

so weird and i think i was so conscious

of the fact that people could see your

flaws

and people could see all the

imperfections and that’s the thing that

scared me

about filming now even though i would

have loved to do this tedx live

i’m actually a bit annoyed that i’m

doing this virtually and this is

probably about my 10th take

and every single time i’m like cut every

single time i made a mistake

even if i blinked anything that went

wrong i’m trying to make sure it cuts

but for this one i’m trying to make sure

it doesn’t cut because even if i do mess

up i want people to see the role

and honestly speaking i want people to

connect with me because i’m a real

person

i’m not a role model and this is what

this talk is all about i don’t want to

be a role model

i don’t want people to connect with who

they think i am listen i’ve got websites

i’ve got biographies i have press

releases

and i have many people that read it and

they think wow i would love to connect

with her

do you want to connect to my biography

or do you want to connect with me and

there’s many people that i’ve read their

biographies and read the things that

they’ve done

and i think i’m drawn to what they do

rather than who they are

and i think honestly one of the most

dangerous things in society is to be

drawn to people because of what they do

because we’re human beings we’re not

human doings you need to find identity

in who you are and not what you do

now let me tell you a story a story of

how i went from the stage to the studio

now me being a public speaker you would

think i love speaking

and i do don’t get me wrong but honestly

speaking became one of my

weirdest things that i pursued because

for a long time

i was trying to speak but also for a

long time i wanted to go into music

now everyone tried to limit me and tell

me you can’t do music and speaking

because i had to be this perfect role

model i had to be this great speaker

i had to be the speaker that was

traveling around the world and speaking

of all these different clients

and i had to fit a certain clientele

which means i couldn’t speak a certain

way

i couldn’t speak a certain manner but

let me just tell you brother i’m from

ends

and i’m going to tell you that it’s so

hard for the fact that i have to speak

to certain clients and i can’t speak

slang

i grew up in ends i grew up in a council

home i grew up in a single parent

household

so i’m used to speaking around certain

people in a certain manner

and then i was always conformed and told

you shouldn’t do this

you shouldn’t speak like this you

shouldn’t talk like this you shouldn’t

and i was always told of things that i

can’t do

because why i had to be a role model and

i started to realize there’s no one out

there that’s going to be able to know

the real me or connect with raw me

if i’m always trying to fulfill a

certain role or to fulfill a certain

title and if i’m being honest i wish

that someone

who if i’m being honest i wish when i

was younger

someone just told me to be a great

person rather than a great speaker

because me first being a great person

would help me be a great speaker

it helped me being authentic so as i

said going from the station studio

it’s not just a journey of how i went

from speaking into the rap scene

it’s actually a journey of how i went

from being hayley melinda

to being hills now haley menander is my

name

but honestly if i’m speaking whenever

someone says haley melinda i hate it so

much because i felt like it was the

role model you are the standard you are

your name is

who you are and it’s like my name became

a brand rather than me

and everything i was doing that was

associated to my name i became so

conscious of

so i wouldn’t do certain things i want

to post certain things on social media

because i cared what people thought

about my brand not about me

and it limited me because i felt my

brand was me being a role model

so when i released my song this is me

now

coming out as a complete different

artist a completely different name

and i thought do you know what i’m

actually happy i can just be myself

and in this music video and in my song

i’m speaking slang

i’m being open i’m being the real me and

i feel i’ve been

around the world and i’ve spoken to so

many different clients and i’ve done

been doing public speaking for so long

that there’s even certain times when

i’ve been in spheres

where i can just be myself and i’m

speaking in a certain manner or to

conduct myself in a certain manner

because i had to fill a role and this is

why i say

i don’t like role models because you are

trying to fill a role

we are all trying to fill a role and i

think that’s probably one of the most

dangerous places you can be

i think the one thing i’m trying to push

is let’s make being real

ideal let’s make being real the ideal

standard of life

honestly speaking there is no one that

is perfect you can listen to someone

time and time again and you can honestly

say they are a great speaker they are a

great rapper they are a great actor

but most times ten nine times out of ten

they probably rehearsed it

they probably rehearse what they’ve said

i’ll probably rehearse what they’ve

released

because they want to make it seem

perfect and honestly

you can’t rehearse life we are all

trying to learn we are all trying to

figure out what we’re doing

if i’m being honest i don’t really know

what i’m doing a lot of times with my

life

and it’s not that i’m not focused so

it’s not because of the fact that i

don’t have vision

but because of the fact that i’m

constantly understanding learning that

as human beings we evolve

we evolve and being a role model you’re

limited to that role

maybe for the rest of your life if i

told you that i’m a speaker

you’re going to think probably for the

rest of my life that i’m going to be a

speaker

but if i tell you i’m haley and i do

speak in

then you know that there’s more to me

and i think the mistake that i made is

i started saying i am with the things

that i’m doing

rather than just actually saying this is

what i do

and i’m telling you right now you can’t

find identity in what you do

you need to find identity in who you are

so i never introduced myself my name is

haiti melinda

i do public speaking i do write and i

also rap and i think

i do all these things and i’m so happy

that 2020 was the year

that i broke out of the box that i told

myself that you don’t have to find

identity in your titles

you don’t have to find identity in the

things you’ve accomplished you just need

to find identity in the things you do

now the pandemic actually challenged me

to look within myself and ask me

are you doing the things you love are

you doing things that make you you

i remember last year when it was in

february and i got really burnt out and

i had to take myself away and i took

myself to the hotel

and this is when the world was open and

i took myself away and i slept and i

sat down and i got in touch with myself

and i had a phone call

my older brother that changed my life

and i remember literally picking up the

phone and saying hello i’m so tired i’m

so burnt out

he said why do you think you’re burnt

out and i said oh there’s so many things

i’m doing and i’m telling him

all the inspirational things i’m doing

how i’m traveling around the world i’m

speaking

i’m launching fellowship so i’m

launching different things

i’ve spoken with this client i’m filming

this podcast and i was telling him all

the inspirational things i’m doing

and he said to me haley when was the

last thing you’ve done something

that nurtured your inner child when did

you do something

that actually you pursued when you was a

kid he said haley you used to love art

you used to love singing you still love

drawing and you don’t do

any of those things anymore because

you’re busy and i realized that

to be a great role model i needed to be

busy

i hate the term booked and busy booking

busy is probably the thing that made me

burn

out it made me so burnt out because i

was trying to feel this great role model

but i wasn’t being real with myself

i wasn’t being real with who i truly am

and the things that i love

so last year after that conversation it

challenged me haley what do you love

what are the things you actually like to

do what are the things that nourish your

soul

not the things that society tells you

you should do but the things that

actually make you happy

and what makes me happy is music so i

saved up some money

and i allowed myself to nurture my inner

child from when i was younger i was

singing from when i was younger i was

rapping

and soon i’m going to give you a snippet

of this music video but i just had to

come here

and share my story on why music probably

changed my life

and why i’m nurturing the inner child

was probably one of the best things i’ve

ever done

because i had literally let go of being

a role model and just focus on just

being real

let’s make the ideal thing being real

and i honestly feel probably one of the

things that i wish

i knew growing up was that life is all

about you being yourself

so when i’m in the studio when i’m

making music and when i’m being real

with myself

that’s probably the best place i’m i’m

in i honestly sometimes hate doing

speaking engagements

i sometimes hate doing a writing books

and writing blogs and it’s not because

of the fact that i can’t do it

or i’m not good at it but because i’m

always thinking oh i have to edit it

like this

and edit things like that but that’s not

what life’s about life is not about

editing life’s about capturing memories

the memories are going to change your

life the memories are going to change

you

and i’m so happy that i captured a

memory that no one can ever take away

from me

and that is nurturing my inner child

when i had that conversation with my

older brother him saying

haley you stopped doing the things you

loved to do that’s when everything

changed for me

that’s when it made me realize that i’m

literally trying to be

doing everything that i can fulfill this

role but me not being real with myself

so i’m gonna show you a snippet of the

music video that i just done

and just released so you can see the

things that i’ve been up to

[Music]

for the team bus stroke i smile around

here we bus straight laughter yes i’m a

girl who can do both wear track suits

and heels for their business partners

last year is melinda gates next year

i’ll try and shout the obamas

sipping shout out to them starters not

working hard working smarter

that clean energy

[Music]

now there’s one thing that i hope you

got from this is that i had fun

i think you can just tell the music

video that i had fun and honestly

i felt like i was fulfilled in that

moment and it’s not to say that speaking

doesn’t fulfill me

it’s not to say anything that i have

done before hasn’t fulfilled me

but i’m just so happy that that

conversation with my brother reminded me

to not be so caught up in being a role

model but to just be real

myself when everyone’s trying to tell me

what i should do

and everyone’s trying to tell me what my

limitations are i think you being real

will remind you of your possibilities i

feel being real is like you being in an

ocean where you can just swim

and swim to anywhere in the world

because it’s only with your

in touch with yourself that you can

truly pursue the things you love

and become the people who you need to be

now i just want to round it off of this

i honestly feel that something that i

wish i was told growing up was don’t

grow up too fast

i tried to grow up too fast because

there was this pressure for me to be

a particular way a pressure for me to

feel to look like i had it all together

as i said we are human beings and not

human beings we are human beings and not

human lookings

i don’t want to look happy i want to be

happy i don’t want to look wealthy i

want to be wealthy

i don’t want to look healthy i want to

be healthy and i just hope that

with everything going on in the world

where 2020 this pandemic

has literally shifted our shifted

dynamic of this world

i hope it makes us look within ourself

and not really

care what people think i honestly think

probably one of the most dangerous

things

is the opinion of man one of my favorite

books comes and says the opinion of man

is like a snare

because i feel many of us are trapped by

what other people think about us

we are always trying to do what other

people say we should do

why don’t you just be you and i guess i

just want to end it with the fact that

you are the blueprint as i said i went

into making music and i’ve just shown my

music video

but i had so many people that told me

that i can’t do music why because i had

to fulfill the role of being a great

speaker

but me doing music has actually helped

me in my career like never before

because i’m now in a better place i’m

not burned out

or i’m not overwhelmed because i’m

working from the place that makes me

happy

so i honestly feel that us being human

beings

is probably the most important thing you

should be we are all human beings we’re

not human doings

so i hope i encourage you and i can

encourage the world

to make being real ideal