The Dangers of Hazing and Bullying

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i was headed to orlando on a business

trip about two years ago

when my family dropped me off at the

airport my middle child

colin on the left hopped out of the car

grabbed my suitcase and

rolled it over to me so we could say

goodbye

colin was headed back to college the

next day and we knew we wouldn’t see

each other

until he came home again for

thanksgiving in a couple of weeks

we stood at passenger drop-off and i

held him for the longest time

because my mom taught me that the mom

never breaks the hug first

i told him i loved him and that i

couldn’t wait to see him again

at thanksgiving a few days after i

returned from that trip

i was sound asleep in my bed and i heard

a knock at the door

i answered and there were two police

officers

and a third man in plain clothing when i

learned he was the chaplain

i knew exactly what was going on

two of my five children were upstairs

sound asleep

but three of them lived away from home

i immediately asked which one of my

children is it

they insisted i get my husband and when

i did they

stepped in the house and began reciting

the worst

words any parent could ever have to hear

on behalf of the dublin police

department we regret to inform you that

at 3 am this morning

your son colin wyant was found

unresponsive at 45 mill street in athens

ohio

we knew that address immediately we knew

it was the address of collins fraternity

house and that’s all we knew

in the months that followed we began to

learn more about the details that led to

colin’s death

and we learned that for the last weeks

of colin’s life

colin was beaten belted

waterboarded forced drugs

colin was hazed i set out

to learn about hazing i was in a

sorority in college

and my husband wasn’t a fraternity but

neither of us had ever

experienced any hazing so i started

reading about hazing

and studying about hazing before i knew

it i was teaching about hazing

to thousands of students at universities

across the country

and i was going to capitol hill to lobby

for anti-hazing reform with my daughter

and other parents who’ve lost a child to

hazing

and i was drafting ohio’s anti-hazing an

anti-bullying bill called

collins law i was thrown into this whole

new world of things that were completely

unfamiliar to me just

months prior and i learned that hazing

affects people we would never think of

when we look at groups in college that

haze

number one on the list is varsity

athletics

it’s also prevalent in performing arts

and marching bands

and honor societies in high school

it’s in sports music theater

and church groups hazing’s not just

in the united states there are hazing

deaths across

the globe we don’t realize it’s

widespread nature because the only time

we hear about hazing

is when there’s a death and it makes the

news

but that’s just the tip of the iceberg

what you’re not seeing are

all the kids who are traumatized by

hazing

in different ways the one and a half

million

high school students who are hazed every

year

the 55 percent of college students

in clubs teams and organizations

who are hazed and don’t report it

hazing’s only reported 5

of the time if you think that’s

surprising

think about how often bullying goes

unreported in our schools

or sexual harassment or discrimination

at both work and school

so who are these kids who are being

hazed

and don’t report it when we hear a story

in the news

about a hazing death we immediately

think of how horribly sad

and tragic that is but

if you’re like i was there’s something

else you may be thinking

something you wouldn’t dare say to me

that the truth is these are the kids

with low self-esteem no

backbone they’re weak they’re needy

they can’t stand up for themselves

otherwise

they would have walked away you’d say

all the things

i would have said before my own son died

from hazing since then

i’ve learned a lot see if you ask people

who knew colin

you would hear that he was strong both

physically

and mentally he was an athlete he was

smart he was a leader he was pledge

class president

he was independent so much so that ever

since he was little

it was the running joke of our family

that he always marched to the beat of a

different drummer without a care of what

anyone else was doing

you would hear that he stood up for

himself and

one of his most defining qualities that

he always stood up for others

a few days after colin died when our

family gathered around the kitchen

island to write his obituary

the first thing my kid said had to be in

it was that colin always

stood up for the underdog

each year people we would never expect

die from hazing from boy scouts

to football players from student nurses

to scholars at mit recently a green

beret soldier died in a choke hold

from hazing when i think of a green

beret

soldier i think of the epitome of

strength

and courage i don’t think of someone

who’s weak

or needy or trying to fit in i don’t

think of someone who’s susceptible to

fall prey to hazing

yet no matter how strong we are each of

us has a

huge need to belong

for thousands of years we relied on

belonging for

our survival whether we were building

shelter or hunting for food

our survival rate was higher if we were

part of a group

than if we were alone studies show that

the social pain we

feel when we’re rejected creates a

response in our neural processing

like the response caused from physical

pain

we literally feel pain when we’re

deprived social connection

our brains are hard wired to belong

so we’re accustomed to doing things to

belong that’s used in hazing in a way

that’s a very

slow build it has to be or it wouldn’t

work

right i mean think about it imagine that

you’re a freshman in college

and you’re considering joining a

fraternity so you attend the campus

event where prospective members meet

fraternity members

you start chatting with a few people

from one of the fraternities and think

they’re pretty cool maybe i’ll come back

to the next event and just as you’re

leaving one of them stops you and says

hey wait a minute by the way i’m gonna

need you to do my laundry

tonight and run errands for me

all week i’ll need you to make my meals

i’m gonna tie you up scream at you throw

things at you make you eat disgusting

items and after that we’re

to be great friends

if it actually went like that people

would walk away so

how are these kids going from meeting a

total stranger

to months later letting that stranger

tie them up in a basement

it’s something called creeping normality

that’s when objectionable change is

accepted if it occurs

in small increments hazing starts with

something that seems to be a small

harmless act something that’s completely

benign no danger associated with it like

having to carry brick with you

everywhere you go

then you’re having to scrub floors with

a toothbrush

next you’re denied personal hygiene

before you know it you’re on call

24 hours a day to perform tasks for

members

you’re sleep deprived you’re kidnapped

under the guise of fun blindfolded

paddled beaten forced alcohol until you

pass out

when the hazing starts it’s something

that just makes you feel a little

awkward

then embarrassed as it builds you start

to wonder

am i being oversensitive overreacting

then it goes beyond uncomfortable you’re

not sure if this is hazing

but you start to wonder you don’t know

whose fault it is because

you’ve agreed to everything so far

before you know it

you’re in too deep you’re humiliated by

your participation so you just

white-knuckled out because you know it’s

almost over

and what can you do about it anyhow how

are you going to report you don’t have

any proof you don’t have enough evidence

if you push back and refuse the hazing

you know the retribution will be extreme

if you walk out you’re a coward and you

just

lost your social connection

you’re completely isolated so you’re

shamed

into staying and you’re shamed into

keeping quiet

that’s how hazing progresses from

embarrassing to humiliating to degrading

to dangerous

and sometimes deadly

it’s been two years since i received

that knock at my door

since then i have vowed to do everything

i can to prevent another family from

experiencing the pain and loss

my family has experienced i know that is

going to take more than

educating people about hazing i know

that

is going to take courage courage on this

part of students to speak up and report

hazing

to their organization’s leadership to

school administration

to campus and school security and when

there’s immediate danger

to call 911 without any hesitation

there was a 12 minute delay before 9-1-1

was called for colin

otherwise he could be here today

it is going to call for courage on the

part of

all faculty sponsors administrators

and coaches to have zero tolerance for

hazing

because using embarrassment and shame

and ridicule

as the gateway to group membership is

the path that leads to the use of pain

abuse and assault it’s going to take

courage on the part of university

officials

to mandate that organizations provide

their members with anti-hazing education

prior to recruiting any new members and

that perspective members complete

anti-hazing education prior to

participating in any type

of recruitment process it’s going to

take courage on the part of more

legislators to increase penalties for

hazing

so law enforcement and legal authorities

can treat hazing allegations

as seriously as other crimes like

domestic violence

that use emotional manipulation to keep

their victims silent

and uses the appearance of consent to

keep outsiders from interfering

and last it’s going to take courage from

all of us

to ask the uncomfortable questions of

those groups

when we suspect hazing’s taken place

before colin left for college i actually

talked to him about hazing even though

at the time

he wasn’t planning on joining a

fraternity

if i could go back to that conversation

i would want him to know that hazing

builds

so slowly you’re unaware

it’s even happening i would want him to

know

that when new members are separated out

from existing members and asked to do

things differently in a way that you

wouldn’t

otherwise choose that’s the minute

hazing’s begun that’s the minute

you leave

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you