How Baking Helped Save My Life

[Music]

the first time i had a panic attack was

in the middle

of the night i shot up out of bed threw

my covers off and frantically tried to

reach my bedroom door

my heart pounding loud i was becoming

light-headed i sat on the floor

my back against my bed and thought this

was it i was about to die

and zac efron would never know how much

i loved him

living with anxiety disorders because um

you know that i have

more than one is not something i thought

i would be able to do

i fought it every step of the way

i would disassociate i would avoid i

would stay silent

i’d rather feel like a prisoner in my

own head than seek help

i lived in the what if limbo what if i

never succeed

what if i can’t be loved what if i’m

judged mocked

what if no one understood panic attacks

generalized anxiety and ptsd

weave their way into my life at stores

restaurants

airplanes on dates that one’s really fun

even at school

let me tell you having a panic attack in

the middle of a psychology class

though vary on brand for me still haunts

i’ve been sitting at my desk because my

heart started racing my body

shaking i began breathing erratically

and i knew i had to get out

if crawling out of my skin had been an

option i would have taken it

that’s the day i really learned that our

ignorance about mental health

leaves a little space for compassion

little space for empathy

that’s also the same moment i began

hating my disorders which

inevitably led to hating a part of

myself i was physically

and emotionally exhausted always

uncomfortable unsafe

scared my brain was like a broken radio

stuck on one terrible station playing

the same

annoyingly catchy song over and over and

over again

and of course it was high school so

teenagers didn’t let it go

they laughed and made jokes and i forced

myself to laugh along with them like

um yeah hi how crazy am i oh my god so

crazy yes

i internalized every word and carried

those stigmas with me

what no one knew was that inside i

begged myself to stop

to be normal i thought if i tried hard

enough i could get rid of my anxiety

disorders

i’ll let you in on a little secret you

can’t

that particular afternoon i’d gone home

feeling defeated

i tried deep breathing distractions

anything to try and distance the

impending panic

so i made cookies i took all my angst my

sadness

my anger my shame and i put it into

those cookies

i was able to take something ugly and

painful

and mix it up and make something full of

goodness and beauty

and it didn’t hurt that they tasted

delicious

baking quickly became a tool i could

always use to find control

in a rather uncontrollable mind most

importantly though

i just felt better it brought my body

and mind

relief so the next time i felt scared

and out of control

i baked again i still had anxiety i

still had panic attacks i still went to

lots

and lots of therapy but i also baked

and this is how it helped save my life

i’m sure some of you know how baking can

help with daily anxiety

given i can buy flour for weeks when

quarantine first began

well good news to all my fellow anxious

bakers

in 2018 a review article in the journal

of health education and behavior looked

at multiple small studies that show

links between cooking

and psychological well-being in other

words keep

that bread coming or venture into new

territory

when i first started out i was

determined to make macarons

now i was told they would be incredibly

difficult and wouldn’t work

and they were right they didn’t work but

i still tried again

and those were worse by the fifth time i

finally made edible ones and that’s when

i discovered

i don’t like macarons but i wasn’t

frustrated with myself

i was proud and i know you might be

thinking this woman was proud because

she made

macarons but it wasn’t just the result

it was

the action of trying something new i was

so proud of and i didn’t care that i

failed four other times i didn’t care

what anyone thought

trust me that was a new feeling i know

that trying something new

can be risky it may seem bigger more

gravity if it doesn’t go well

but the rewards could be the same level

of accomplishing your

own macron and maybe it’s not food-based

maybe you go for that promotion maybe

you turn your phone off and disappear

into self-care

or you call that therapist and it

changes your life

and that’s incredible my high anxiety

friends out there know that’s not

something you just wake up and do

in the u.s alone there are 40 million

adults with an anxiety disorder

it’s the most common mental illness in

the country but you might not have known

that

because we don’t talk about it we cast

mental illness into

a negative light and the stigmas follow

you’re broken

you’re weak it’s not real you’re crazy

but i i am not a stigma i am not here to

be the crazy girl from your psych class

i am a daughter a sister an aunt a dog

mom

friend chocolate lover who loves to bake

i am human

i may make mistakes but i am not broken

i am not weak and i am here to tell you

the cultural shift the challenging of

stigmas can start with your own

acknowledgement of your

own bias then take steps to change

the next time your friend tells you that

they’re going to therapy don’t respond

with the ever annoying

why oh my god what’s wrong instead

encourage them encourage them like you

would if they told you they were going

for a promotion

celebrate their decision like you would

if they told you that they got that job

be there because sometimes we all need

support

asking for help is terrifying and

anxiety inducing

i mean i had a panic attack when i told

my mom the scariest three words

i need help and she did what i couldn’t

first

she understood me through my incredibly

loud sobs

then she found me a specialist heck she

even made the appointment for me

sometimes you can go it alone and

sometimes it takes a village

it’s always okay that first day in my

therapist’s office

the fear i had been feeling the

apprehension the judgment

it was met with compassion the feelings

the actions were validated

i was enough i was enough when i

panicked every night for a week straight

i was enough even when i didn’t believe

it as i stand here

on this stage scared i might trip on

this rug i know

even if i land flat on my face i’m still

enough despite my awareness and

sometimes understanding of my disorders

there are still days when i need a

little extra help

baking provides me with a healthy outlet

for expressing emotions

and a control that is all mine

unfortunately

control isn’t always guaranteed in life

that’s one thing that my mind

really really hates when i survive

stalking and sexual assault

my anxiety ptsd and panic disorder were

amplified

i had fought for my life only only to

live in complete isolation

the inability to cope with the smallest

changes drove me to a place of solitude

to a place of silence and i never

expected to leave

i was paralyzed by a frantic need for

control

i always had to sit with my back towards

a wall at the end of a table

i had to know where an exit was at all

times i was labeled as high strung

paranoid called crazy unstable

their judgments inflamed my worst

thoughts about myself

and so i fell back into the what if

limbo what if it was my fault

what if i’m judged not believed what if

i can’t survive this

what if no one understands my therapist

encouraged me toward mindfulness-based

treatments yoga

meditation journaling you name it i’ve

probably tried it

but really she just wanted me to bake

again she would show me photos of things

her and her mom had made and i think it

was her dedicated determination that led

me back

i had stayed away from baking for a year

but found myself collecting ingredients

one afternoon

there was a tight knot in my stomach and

a lump in my throat

but i pushed forward slowly taking back

control that i thought was lost

i cried the entire time as i baked those

i forgot to set a timer and they burned

so i cried a little harder

i put the next batch in and continued to

cry to just

let it out those cookies tasted

awful there was too much salt not enough

chocolate

they were in the oven for far too long

but i didn’t care

they were my power cookies when baking i

pay attention to myself in the moment

everything else becomes distant i

measure

pour stir in the midst of panic it’s my

natural routine

measurements are controlled and there’s

a structure to baking a complexity and

mindfulness that brings me peace

i can get lost in a focaccia and find my

way in between a tiered cake

the first time i got dumped i baked some

chocolate chip cookies

that time i let my friend color and cut

my hair pie didn’t fix it but it tasted

great

after my first diagnosis with an

autoimmune disease

banana bread seemed like the right

choice panic attack

first thing in the morning muffins

always

muffins the dude that told me i’d be

prettier if i were smaller

i made stuffed cupcakes some people like

some extra filling and those

those are my people anxiety just because

it’s a tuesday

i needed it out giving a talk on a stage

in front of cameras chocolate bunk cake

took some of my never good enough

feelings

right into the oven i understand not

every person will find safety and

comfort in baking like i have

i ask you give yourself and others a

shame free space they need to live

authentically

and unapologetically i ask you to

consider this to think

and feel more deeply whether intentional

or not

we need to confront our own preconceived

notions about mental health so we can

begin to move towards empathy

i ask you to be vulnerable to be honest

with how you feel because your feelings

do not make you weak we all have

off days days when we don’t measure up

and that’s okay

we have to forgive ourselves for what we

think is weakness

what we see as failure i learned to meet

this new part of me with compassion and

acceptance

some days i smile and some days i cry

some days i talk to my therapist twice

and some days

i put it all into a batch of cookies

thank you