How to create meaningful connections while apart Priya Parker

greetings Ted community so good to see

you welcome to the latest of our daily

live conversations in these weird days

of the virus good to have you with us

whether you’re getting isolated at home

maybe with with a loved one or with

family

maybe you’re by yourself maybe you have

symptoms our hearts go out to you maybe

you’ve lost someone maybe you know

medical workers on the front line and

you’re worried for them or maybe you

think this whole thing as a pumped-up

panic by the media whoever you are

you’re welcome here for for this next

hour I think it’s an important

conversation you know every morning I I

the first news headline I look at it’s

not a headline it’s it’s a graph there’s

a site war domitor dot info that has

grass side I want to show you the the

graph for that today here’s it looks

like I don’t if you can do this I hope

you like the super high-tech production

values here by the way that is not a

pretty graph that is what exponential

growth looks like more than sixty

thousand new cases outside China today

and in the last two that you know that

in the whole time in China this was

raging

they notched up about eighty thousand

cases on the official numbers the world

outside China in the last two days said

one over a hundred thousand cases and

u.s. is now number one the more the

nation when this was supposed to go away

pretty quickly now has more cases in

anywhere else in the loss of my

eighty-five thousand and growing fast

and New York where I’m sitting where the

whole ten team is based is the epicenter

in the US so it’s a scary time to be

here in New York there’s some truly

horrible stories coming out of some of

the hospitals that are in danger of

getting overrun huge efforts being made

there but and of course many other parts

of the world we’ve we’ve we’ve heard

some of the darker

boys that are out there so it’s you know

it’s it’s an alarming time I’d like

anyone who looks at the numbers

understands what exponential growth is

it’s an alarming time there’ll be days

in the coming couple weeks where sixty

thousand new cases in a day will seem

wonderfully good news and I wasn’t going

to go higher and and so I suspect we’re

in this for a long time to go basically

for many of us just our lives completely

different from what they normally are

many of us isolated in some form or

other at home and in a way we’re the

lucky ones as others who can’t afford to

do that we’re having to go out the works

somehow makes some kind of living and in

doing so may feel that they’re putting

themselves at at risk though you know

these are hard our days and we’re gonna

have to get used to a bunch of new ways

to be a new ways to connect with each

other because we can’t actually be

isolated we’re human beings we’re social

species we have to connect with other

people we just have to and thankfully

there are many ways that it is still

possible to do that many beautiful ways

and ways that we’re discovering and

we’re going to spend this hour devoted

to that and thinking about that I like

to invite on my car’s Whitney Pennington

Rogers that’s currently fair’s curator

Whitney hello how are you I’m doing okay

I’m doing okay and I’m really looking

forward to hearing more about what

you’ve shared just how we can and really

stay connected which i think is so

important for us and so you know where

we’re bringing you an interview today

with Priya Parker she’s the author of

the art of gathering and her work really

focuses on how we can develop and and

and really sustain those meaningful

connections and she’s sharing some

insight onto how we can continue to have

gatherings that are intentional and add

great value to our lives during the

pandemic as Chris mentioned you know on

the point of connection we had some

connectivity issues that would have made

it really challenging for us to invite

Priya to do this interview live so we

pre-recorded it

and you know we really are looking

forward to seeing what you all share

about your own experiences with creating

these connections and so we stopped took

a lot of value from this and look

forward to hearing what your thoughts

are and hope that this is something that

you enjoy listening to well thank you

especially given the comp special

accommodations you had to make thank you

so much for for making the time for this

and I you know I think especially about

having as we’re having a conversation

about connection this feels somehow

really really related and relevant it

seems like it makes a lot of sense that

you know we’re talking about how we can

have connections in these trying times

and create creative ways to do that and

I think Before we jump into this

conversation a little bit more I’d love

to just talk a little bit first about

your own background so you are the

author of a book called the art of

gathering and you know you think a lot

about how we can have meaningful

connections create meaningful gatherings

but you’re not an event planner so I’d

love to hear a little bit more about the

the lens through which you approach

gathering sure so I’m a group conflict

resolution facilitator I’m trained in

the methodology of group dialogue so

basically how do you bring together a

group of people three or more though I’m

often doing it with 12 people or 40

people or 300 people in a room and have

meaningful conversation meaningful

dialogue that actually creates a

different outcome for that community

based on how you structure the

conversation and I wrote this book the

art of gathering in part because I was

frustrated by kind of what popular

culture tells us about what creates

magic between people which if you kind

of boil it down very simply it’s like if

you get the things right if you get the

fish knives right or if you get the food

right or if you get the tablecloth right

everything else will take care of itself

that that magic will happen through

people because of the luck of their

chemistry and I know as a trained

facilitator that that’s just not true

and going to gathering after gathering

in all types of contexts at schools and

the public square

you know conferences birthday parties I

would get really frustrated seeing hosts

take a lot of time and a lot of care and

a lot of love pouring their time and

energy into broadly stuff that doesn’t

really matter or at least doesn’t

actually make connection and intimacy

and meaning and transformation among

people it creates beauty but it doesn’t

necessarily create connection and I

wanted to bring the facilitators lens to

how anybody regardless of where you are

you don’t need a fancy house you don’t

need the right fish knives you don’t

need a specific you know computer

program how anybody can create meaning

with the people in their lives any and

you know at work at home and their

community or in the public square that’s

great and it seems like you know that’s

something that now more than ever we

need to be really thoughtful about that

and I’m curious you know you started to

talk about this a little bit about

people really focusing more on visually

what these gatherings look like I mean

do you feel like collectively we really

struggled with how to create meaningful

gatherings even before we got to this

moment with the coronavirus I think that

many of our gatherings aren’t up to

snuff in terms of being memorable and

transformative to the people in them and

I think this is for a lot of different

reasons I think one of the things that I

studied worse were rituals that actually

create transformation in people and and

powerful rituals tend to be specific and

specificity tends to come from sub

communities so for example like 2

million Romanian red thread tying

ceremonies was a very specific ceremony

from with them for a very specific

community or javanese like tooth filing

ceremonies where where there’s a

specific act and the people part of that

gathering or part of that community

understands like the symbolic act of

each thing they worship the same God

they eat the same things they dress in

the same way and as we’ve become

globalized and diverse and and you know

modern in

in a lot of different ways I would argue

all good things

many of our gatherings in part to try to

not offend one another or assume that we

share the same beliefs have become vague

and diluted and so part of what we’re

struggling with even well before this

with this pandemic is when people are

coming together to mark a specific

occasion or to meet in a specific way we

tend to under structure and under give

less context and under host our

gatherings in a way that actually

creates meaning among people who don’t

all share the same beliefs that’s great

I mean and I think that it’s now that we

are in this moment and we’re spending so

much more time apart from one another

physically it seems like you know

thinking about how we can stay in touch

and how we can stay connected in a

meaningful way that that creates of

course a new challenge but it sounds

like it’s much more than just staying in

touch with each other

so I mean how should we change the lens

of how we think about gatherings now

that we are in this in this moment with

this pandemic so we don’t know how long

this will last and and the biggest

mistake we make whether you’re gathering

online or off is we tend to assume that

the purpose is obvious we tend to assume

that if you’re having a work meeting

it’s to discuss work or if you’re having

a birthday party it’s to mark a birthday

and in this time specifically the

biggest way to actually create a

meaningful gathering for your community

is to first ask what is the need like

what is the need for this specific

community at this specific moment in

time and one of the things I’ve been

watching is as as you know gathering

after gathering is getting postponed or

canceled the ones that are trying to

figure out how to make they’re off on

offline Gathering online need to pause

and actually ask given this new reality

what is the need my community now needs

and not assume that the gathering online

should look exactly the same way as it

did offline just sticking a video camera

in front of one another

I knew you know if you’re a teacher and

you’re trying to figure out how to teach

a course that is you know you have

always taught with people physically

your students physically in the room to

actually pause and not say is my purpose

to teach math perhaps your the purpose

now for the next multiple weeks is to

give confidence to your children to your

students to keep trying through the

mechanism of math I mean I’m kind of

making this up here but part of what the

the key of all of these gatherings is

we’re coming together to make them

meaningful is to actually pause and to

not assume we know what the need is or

we know what the purpose is and to begin

by asking first for the specific

community for my family or my friends or

for my cousins or for my group of

activists or for my board members or for

my neighbors this week this day what is

it that we most need and how might we

gather around that or for some people

who are getting zoomed out you know zoom

caught resumed call after zoom call the

need might actually be to cancel a

gathering so I’m not saying gather more

I’m saying gather better and it seems

that doing that also would be different

for those people who maybe we’re living

with or you know are isolating with and

those who are not actually physically

spending time with so I guess how should

we think about those connections

differently yeah it’s a great question

so you know most many of us are

isolating with family members or

roommates or partners some of us are

alone and most of us are also finding

ways to be connected with those were not

with so I’ll sirs first start with the

communities that we’re that you’re if

you’re isolating within which is a

couple of things you know in conflict

resolution one of the first one of the

first things you do as a as a

facilitator is is create ground rules

you know I think of as EA’s every

gathering as an opportunity for an

interruption and we right now are in the

greatest moment of global interruption

we faced in a long time and one of the

opportunities for an interruption that

this allows is when for those that

you’re you know quarantine

whether they’re the people you normally

live with regularly live with or whether

that you have you’re an adult and you’ve

gone home to your you know your adult

parents and you’re renegotiating what it

actually looks like to live together

during this period when you weren’t

expecting it is to actually first pause

and let’s create some ground rules you

don’t have to call it that but for some

ground rules they say how do we want to

live together how do we want to be

together do we want to have specific

evenings a week where we come together

and we have dinner and are the rest of

the week we’re on our own how do we want

to actually share food and to not assume

that you kind of have to be together the

whole time all the time but to actually

have clear honest conversations to

navigate both physical and psychological

and interconnected space together and

then and then once you’ve done that I

think the the second thing around those

who are isolating and creating

meaningful gatherings together at home

is to really think about you know there

there’s this in my in my book I talk

about the Passover principle which is

the first question I’m not Jewish but

studied many different types of

gatherings in my research and one of the

questions that that the Jews ask during

Passover Seder the first question is

roughly translated as how is this night

different than all other nights and I

think that that is a question that is so

powerful and is applicable to every

gathering you’ve ever hosted

so as you’re home with your family or

with your friends or with your partner

to begin to ask how do you begin to mark

the days so that they don’t all blend in

with each other you know what is Tuesday

evening how do you want to come together

could you you know set up a list of

questions of questions you would never

you know typically ask one another at a

normal evening but how do you actually

come together and answer the you know

thirty four questions to fall in love

with anybody questions or or find a way

to have conversations with your parents

or with your grandparents that that

normal times don’t allow for and then to

your second point around how do we

create meaning or connection with those

who with whom or not with there are you

know melot’s sort of the same question

which is map out your community

and ask what is what do they need and

what do you need and in some cases it

might be just a simple kind of passive

experiencing something together through

connecting and kind of sync watching

something so like the Metropolitan Opera

every night is doing live streams of

their operas around you know online

there’s many types of cultural and art

institutions that are actually making

free a lot of their content and so at

kind of a low participation rate but

just kind of wanting to do something

together the equivalent of going to

watch the movies you can actually sync

watch these things together at a higher

level of engagement one of the forms of

meaning-making is to actually think

about what are the conversations or how

do you want to engage with one another

through either a shared activity or or

or sharing activity over this course of

time I went in 2012 Bruce Springsteen

gave this amazing talk at South by

Southwest where he basically kind of

gave his a musical autobiography so like

the songs that most shaped him as a

seven year old as a 13 year old as a 19

year old as a 23 year old it’s one of

the most amazing speeches you can ever

read and you can you can look it online

actually this is like what a nerd I am I

like read through the speech and then

just played the song on each song and

Spotify to kind of like have the

experience and I was telling this to a

friend and he said why don’t we do that

as a circle of friends

over a series of dinners we you know in

my case is a group of friends who know

each other pretty well and we can kind

of get into the same rut when we hang

out it’s great but it was a sort of this

idea of an interruption in the way that

how do we actually have a different kind

of conversation and so we made up the

rules and we called it seven songs and

the invitation was that each friend each

person gets one evening one dinner one

salon where they come and they bring the

seven songs that most shaped them over

the course of their life their their

full life and the rest of us would agree

to kind of listen to them and also to

the songs and there’s no reason you

couldn’t do that virtually and so when I

say create meaning together you know

meaning is created through specificity

and structure and

a specific purpose and so in this moment

a time when we’re not sure how long will

be social distancing or at least

physically distancing to find really

interesting forms of interruptions among

friends and families to say how do we

actually want to use this time together

and to have perhaps conversations that

we typically wouldn’t have in this kind

of different moment well I love that I

love how it seems like there’s so many

ways that we can take the events that we

already have there are the ways that

we’ve already been connecting and I

really just modify them and adapt them

to this situation that we’re living in

so one thing I’m curious about you you

sort of mention this at the beginning of

your response and thinking about the

ground rules um I’d love to talk a

little bit too about you know what might

some of those ground rules look like

when we’re thinking about how we’re

connecting and gathering with folks you

know as you mentioned in some cases

where maybe you’re isolating together

but maybe that whole living experience

is different that if you’re maybe an

adult child who’s moving home you know

what is what does that look like how do

you have create those ground rules so

that you can connect to meaningfully

gather meaningfully in a space that

maybe is very different from what your

living situation was like before ground

rules help us create a common social

contract to be able to enjoy each other

so the first thing is people often think

like little rules but actually there are

implicit norms that were sort of

navigating implicitly around each other

and often fights come up because our

norms clash or expectations clash and so

before even having a conversation around

sort of ground rules to answer questions

together like how do we want to think

about who uses what space when and

depending on the physical infrastructure

of your house that might be rotating

through there might be one room and one

office and then six different people

wanting to use it it might be who gets

to use the kitchen at different times so

so norms around physical space asking

questions around are there times where

we would like to actually like how much

together time do each want or need

how much like a part time do we each

want or need I know that in some

families and extended families there’s

sort of this norm that when you come

together whether it’s Thanksgiving or

whether it’s you know Easter or Passover

there’s a sense that well we’re never

actually together so you kind of do

everything together all day long right

you eat every meal together you can and

yeah it’s easy to kind of get fall back

into the routine of what it’s like when

you suddenly go home but this time is

very different than that and so part of

this is sort of zooming back and

particularly with adult children within

their parents to begin to ask what are

all of our individual and connecting

collective needs and then how do we

begin to navigate navigate an orient

around this around this this moment

other types of conversations to ask to

have potential years financially are we

sharing costs around certain things how

do we think about if somebody wants to

spend money on something that’s shared

and somebody else’s want to have it like

how do we want to think about that

what are you know rules around

quarantine you know this is also this is

an inherently relational disease right

that’s what a pandemic is and so what

are the rules around which we agree to

enter or exit or procure food and and to

basically you know relationships many of

us are being put into a situation that

we weren’t expecting and one of the best

ways again to begin to navigate that and

not just have it be a defensive time but

a generative time or a creative time

with those with whom you’re sharing

space is to talk about it early and

often and begin to hear about what are

again what our individual needs what our

collective needs and you can also make

it fun but this is you know living

together creates a context in which it’s

better to talk about how you want to

navigate it first and and not just kind

of the hygiene of it but also then how

do we want to actually come together

during this time and use it differently

I love that and I mean I guess also in

thinking about it from the work

perspective you talked about you know

not getting zoomed out but maybe it’s

the reverse it sounds like where you

might come from a space where you’re

constantly seeing your co-workers in

person

day to day for those people who are

working remotely now and the dynamic of

how you gather in those situations also

seem like they might change and benefit

from some rules around what those

gatherings look like you know I guess

what are some unique things that you

think people might face in their work

lives as a result of social distancing

when it comes to gathering absolutely I

think it raises an entire new set of

questions I mean to be clear there have

been MIT there are many global companies

that have already been distributed have

been doing distributing distributive

teaming for for you know decades the

disabled community has very interesting

and has long been advocating for you

know simple things like live-streaming

let alone thinking about digital

participatory ways of coming together so

this is not new for everybody and it’s

new and this scale for most of us and I

think some of the things that these that

that you know the sort of the first week

or at least in the u.s. contacts but you

know the cycles of weeks is it’s putting

us in a situation where all of a sudden

questions of intimacy come up so for

example for many of us were where we’re

showing sides of ourselves this this is

an example of that that we wouldn’t

normally share and in a work context

that could be that could be meaning

having your colleagues see your kitchen

or that could be having your colleagues

see your child or your dog or whatever

it is that typically you would actually

in a work context have the power to

choose to show and so I think the

questions of intimacy are ones that are

going to come up and I and you know

intimacy for intimacy sake particularly

in a power context isn’t necessarily a

good thing

but within within a conscious set up

intimacy to actually bring people into

this moment together and not pretend

that it this isn’t strange is also

helpful so for example questions that

team leaders and people hosting calls

should think about is do you purposely

want to have people actually just have a

white background in the back as a

relative equaliser or do you want to

purposely invite people to put the

camera and

of a part of their home that is

meaningful to them and one isn’t right

or wrong but just to be really

thoughtful about what are you asking

people to share and what are you asking

people to hide or allowing them to keep

for themselves we have different spaces

for different reasons and that’s a good

thing and so part of what’s happening in

this moment is when you’re allowing

because the technology that we have is

is penetrating into spaces that usually

we have more choice whether or not we

want to share and so it sounds like a

big part of that it’s just it’s really

just having those conversations with

each other about what makes the most

sense for that particular group that and

I think the host and particularly the

person who has power in the context you

know to really think about what is the

purpose of this gathering who needs to

be there and what is the need that we’re

trying to fulfill and how do I

temporarily equalize people so the role

of a host I believe has has you have

three roles as a host the first is to

connect people to the purpose of the

meeting and to each other

the second is to protect them from each

other and the third is to temporarily

equalize them and in some context

temporarily equalizing people might mean

showing your background and in other

context temporarily equalizing them

means don’t show the background because

of the stark difference or imbalance

between the people in the room and I

think part of like the responsibility to

host the gathering should not fall

equally across the spectrum of power and

so a boss should really think about what

is needed and how do I set my people up

so that they’re so that they’re able to

focus on the need at hand you know I’ll

take one more second and just say I

think another question that’s coming up

quite often is when do you cancel when

do you postpone and when do you just

bring it on zoom' and again for a host

to say for the person who’s really

thinking about the need of the community

to say well what is it that is essential

in this moment in time and who needs to

be a part of that and to not assume that

every person has to be part of every

zoom meeting but also to not assume that

that everything that you were going to

do anyway still needs to happen there

was a there was a I think it became a

New Yorker cartoon but a joke going

around that said something like

I guess that I guess that work meeting

really could have just been put in an

email so there will be some gatherings

that are canceled and like we will be

better for it and then there will all be

other gatherings that are invented and

we will be better for it I love that and

I just love how there is this is such a

creative poem and it sounds like and and

I’m curious I mean you already shared

some examples of ways that you can turn

some of the meetings and gatherings that

you’ve already had and sort of adapt

them to this moment but I’d love to hear

• you know what are some I guess unique

ways that you think really it just

applies to the moment we’re living in

that this is the kind of gathering that

only can happen as we’re all you know

spending so much time apart as we’re all

connecting virtually or however whatever

the circumstance is you know what what

our gatherings that feel really unique

to this moment um one of the ones that

I’ve been watching that’s been written

about a lot is a DJ called d-nice last

Wednesday he started basically like

DJing sets from 6:00 p.m. to midnight

six hours at a time Eastern Standard

Time and Friday night and Friday night a

number of kind of famous artists joined

to you know joined the party and then

Saturday night it just kind of took off

in this in this kind of electric way

over a hundred thousand people joined

through Instagram Live and at some point

like people from all around the world

but also a lot of political leaders in

the u.s. like kind of joined and came in

came out Bernie Sanders came in

Elizabeth Warren made a cameo Michelle

Obama came in and and you know that kind

of collective moment of people all

dancing in their own like living room

wherever they are but being able to come

into a virtual Club you know it reminded

me of studio 54 Andy Warhol was was once

asked about his like red in the red rope

and why he like referred to like that

the you know it was like a dictatorship

to get in like no one could get in and

he is he said it’s a dictatorship at the

door

so we can have a democracy on the dance

floor and Dean Isis like experiment to

me was that except it didn’t need to be

a dictatorship at the door and I think

that is unique to this time it was a

democracy at the door and it was a

democracy on the dance floor and I think

people are experimenting in all sorts of

ways of how they can meaningfully gather

there’s there’s a work context which a

lot of people I think most of us have

lost unexpected forms of income by

actually having to not you know be able

to provide a service in person that’s

particularly true of in-person gathering

based businesses like restaurants or

in-person speed-dating companies you

know yoga instructors all types of

people who rely on in-person connections

to to you know for their livelihood and

I think one one thing that you’re seeing

is people who kind of always in the back

of their head thought yeah I should

probably have you know Instagram live

sessions I should probably figure out

how to do this online this is kind of a

forcing mechanism to do that and you can

see every day experiments with from

dance studios like forward forward

spaces to you know

virtual choirs rehearsing I think

they’re called the sofa singers you know

every every week once a week on Sundays

there’s there Casper Turk you’ll is

having something called Sunday

sing-alongs the resistent revival chorus

is doing is also experimenting with how

can they also have you know chorus

rehearsals choir rehearsals but also

have others participate people are

trying a lot of radical experiments

around how do you actually be together

apart and how do we use these

technologies to do it I had a friend who

texted me a picture of she threw a

surprise birthday party for her mother

over unzoom and to me it was also you

know we’re experimenting how to get

online in part this is an

intergenerational experiment

so in that case most of her mother’s

friends weren’t on zoom' and so part of

the act of love was her having to go and

like getting each friend and texting

them and explain them how to down

the app and then getting online and then

having her mother’s partner say hey

honey you know come walk over here in

the laptop I think there’s a show I

think you might want to watch and she

walks over and then he you know opens up

the screen and every all of her friends

are sitting there on these tiny little

squares saying surprise and so I think

we’re experimenting around how do we

actually be together apart in a moment

where we have some of the technology

that other generations couldn’t have

imagined but we haven’t necessarily

thought about using it in this way hmm

that’s that’s great I mean and I think

that that makes me wonder too just what

does this mean for the future you know

when we come out of this do you think

that this there’s going to be a real

shift in the way we think about how we

gather I hope so I think that there will

be some gatherings that will go by the

wayside I think some some work meetings

that are cancelled that nobody misses

and but we’re kind of too weak so we

were too weak to end before or for

political reasons we’ll go and no one

will mention them again and we will be

better for it I think that there will be

certain gatherings that will be

preserved or come back you know kind of

in full force because we realized how

much we value those gatherings there was

a beautiful piece a couple of days ago

it I think it was a video that went

viral online

and then I believe the New York Times

wrote about it of the Irish week and

there’s certain you know there are

certain communities that already have as

I said at the beginning of this call

deeply powerful embedded rituals and

specific sub communities and there are

certain there are certain communities

that actually are very sophisticated

collective gatherers and and the Irish

wake is you know is one of those

examples of people actually coming

physically together people marking

marking death and also remembering and

singing songs together and and and you

know actually gathering around the wake

and in a moment where because of

physical distancing that’s no longer you

know possible one family created this

this ritual this idea that as they drove

their their mother’s body to the

graveyard

neighbors came out and stood six feet

apart to basically pay their respects

and I think that’s a you know it’s an

exist a beautiful example of a temporary

invention of how do we remember and how

do we think about honoring because the

the the desire and the need is so deep

that even if we can’t do it in the way

that we usually do it we can actually

invent ways that still allow for that

collective witnessing and marking and

holding to happen and then I think that

after I think a big change after this

this period this pandemic is our

assumption of what we can do virtually

and and what what do we actually crave

to be together and want to do together

and then what actually is okay to do

apart and I think will become much more

sophisticated and using tools that have

you know that are that are popping up in

all sorts of context digital tools to be

able to do certain things apart and then

I think we will also be very very

grateful to be back together again well

it’s really nice I mean because you

don’t sound fearful I I guess that this

moment is going to ruin the way that we

stay connected it sounds like you you

have a really optimistic approach to

this and that in many ways it sounds

like it might be a good thing that we’re

kind of going through this I wouldn’t

say it’s a good thing that we’re going

through this I think that this is a yes

in a global crisis I think that I and I

think that like any pandemic this will

this affects different communities

differently I think that this is very

dangerous for for communities that are

already isolated I think that this will

exacerbate social and economic

inequality as it already is and I think

you know I there’s been a discussion you

know we are we are in a gathering

recession and I think the question is

whether or not we can stave off the

loneliness boom if we can do things that

allow us that even during this time a

very dire straits if we can find

inventive ways to still to still get

through this together and I think in any

I think

a massive interruption and anytime

there’s a massive interruption it allows

all of us to pause and to ask the

questions well why do we do this in the

first place and I think that’s powerful

thank you and thank you for clarifying

of course I agree that I don’t think

this is a good thing but I instead meant

an opportunity it seems like it presents

an opportunity for us to to reflect and

that seems to be a positive element of

this so thank you for that and you know

I think I’d like I’ll just also oh go

ahead Priya sorry I’ll just say one more

thing I think um the way we gather is

contagious

meaning we define how and what we gather

around if somebody all of a sudden

decides to have a birthday party in a

very different way not only is it kind

of fun and interesting for the people in

that birthday party but every guest

leaves thinking huh maybe I could do my

birthday party a different way or huh

maybe a few no doesn’t have to look that

way or huh maybe a meeting doesn’t have

to look that way and you know one of the

things that’s contagious during this

time also is its courage and one of the

reasons I love collecting all of these

different stories and inventions of how

people are coming together and being

extraordinarily creative about it is is

in part to give each other ideas and

inspiration and one of the things I

would I would ask if you know those who

are watching to send me the examples

that you’re seeing and particularly the

examples that you’re creating yourself

because it actually gives us us hope and

ideas of how we can all do this

differently I actually send out a weekly

newsletter of examples from around the

world of how we’re actually gathering

together apart and and you know I don’t

know if the you know if you can its

Priya Parker calm if you want to send me

emails or examples of gathering ideas

that you’ve been seeing that I’ve been

that have been moving because we all

decide how we want to gather and we

inspire each other by trying to do it

differently that’s great skree and that

sounds like you know thinking about

resources folks might look for if they

just you know decide they want to try

and implement some of these examples you

shared or some of the things you’ve

suggested

that seems like that’s a great way for

them to to do some of that so thank you

you know I’d love to we had some

audience members who sent in questions

in advance to aspirin so I’d love to

dive into a few of those which I think

might be really interesting so one

question from our audience was what tips

would you offer to meaningfully engage

with family or friends who can’t access

vigils that virtual spaces excuse me

like grandparents those who might have

disabilities or impairments or those who

just may not have connectivity strong

connectivity issues in terms of internet

and phone

how could you stay connected with those

those folks it’s a beautiful question a

couple of things one is if they have a

phone line and that’s a big if but if

they have a phone line a landline ways

to one regularly call and create some

kind of moment that they look forward to

there are other types of rituals from

other communities I’ve been told that

German theater groups have a practice

where they come together and read a book

aloud like one book aloud until they’re

done with it

so like over the course of 15 hours

communities come together and one person

reads a chapter and you pass it around

and you eat and you you know drink and

you can and you basically read an entire

book together and you know somebody you

can absolutely do that by like dialing

and the person who’s who’s who can’t

necessarily zoom in but to read together

on the phone if you if four communities

are for people who are completely

isolated digitally or through technology

to find ways at least for the time being

to you know to send them to send them

letters like one of the things we’re

starting to see is to go back to things

like why we why we knit why we make

bread why we learn to create the things

that we do without the help from you

know the outside world and to find ways

to to perhaps pass objects or passed

letters but for those who you know if

there’s no way in and no way out I think

that’s one of the communities that I was

talking about that’s actually

you know that’s a very high risk so

another really great question we had was

how can you get a sense for the feel the

energy in the room when we’re not

physically in the same space what are

some ways that we can recreate that

those connections and that bond when

we’re connecting from apart this is one

of the harder parts about being apart

because we have to at some level created

in our mind psychologically together and

then also create that physical feeling

you know with one’s own body without

actually sharing space with others

around the room so a couple of tips the

first is give your gathering a name and

you know don’t just call it meeting or

don’t just call it birthday party you

know call or dinner party call it the

worn out mom’s hootenanny or call it the

seventh song salon or call it the you

know dance until you drop disco I mean

again I’m making this up but but part of

what names do is that they’re acts of

social priming to get people actually

into a specific psychological and

physical space and so give your

gathering a name the gathering starts

from the moment of discovery meaning

from the moment that the guest actually

understands oh this is something I

attend look forward to the second is

half people bring some kind of physical

object or show some kind of physical

object on their side of the screen

whether it’s starting with you know

asking everybody to bring a vessel with

a favorite drink inside depending on

your time zone and then share a story

about where they got that coffee mug

from third is and this sounds kind of

simple but remind people that they have

a body meaning like they themselves have

a body and that could mean that could

happen in a number of different ways but

whether it means having them actually be

showing they’re like more of than just

their head but actually for like the

intent you know the entire torso though

that also Again’s go if you remember the

early part around intimacy you decide

what you’re what you’re optimizing for

and invite people to also bring a

physical object and put it within the

within the frame of the video a couple

we also we may not be able to be

physically together but audio is a

really powerful connector and so whether

it’s playing a song or inviting somebody

to choose a favorite song that they want

to share at the group or some kind of

again audio response to begin a to begin

a a moment with can also kind of just

help you unify people but the the feel

of the physical connection being in the

group being in a room is one of those

things that I think we will be deeply

craving after this period and you know

you talked a lot about the workplace you

talked a lot about home and another

really great question that we have from

our audience is about the number of

children and students who are now you

know learning remotely and and what are

some tips I think for educators and even

for parents to try and create these

meaningful gatherings for for children

yep

so first is particularly an educator to

really ask what is the deepest need now

what is it that I’m trying to teach my

students and at the deeper level like

what is the purpose of this class and I

use the example of my my mother-in-law

who’s an educator and she’s a ceramics

teacher she she so she teaches in a form

that is deeply physical right and you

actually need certain materials a kiln

you know clay and she now has to figure

out how to teach ceramics for the next

many weeks you know virtually and so she

paused and she said what is the purpose

of my class is it to teach students

ceramics and she realized no ceramics is

her medium but the deeper purpose is

twofold

one is to is to help her students her

art students have a relationship with

three multi-dimensional art so not just

flat art not just photography or

painting but multi-dimensional and then

the second is she told me the other day

it’s to give her

students a sense that they can create

something from nothing and so she

thought about it and in her case what

she decided to do over the course of the

next multiple weeks is change her

curriculum to teach these two lessons

through paper mache and found objects in

the home and I love this example in part

because for each of us whatever we’re

trying to do as educators or parents is

to pause and to ask like what is the

need of these students or was the need

of these children now and to look at the

people in front of you but to also ask

your own deeper mission or purpose is

like why do I do this and given the

constraints now how do i how should i

structure this gathering now given these

new constraints so that i can still

achieve my purpose but the activity may

actually look very different it’s great

and you know I mean I think also and

you’ve talked you’ve touched on some of

this too like great smaller ways that

you can sort of break the ice with folks

and and really find a path into these

great connections virtually and apart

and and so somebody asked you know that

they said they’re organizing a digital

birthday party and they were just

curious for ways to bring people look

together who maybe don’t know one

another so how can you connect with with

people who you had no connection with

before before entering these digital

these digital events and gatherings I

actually think this is an opportunity

where virtual gatherings connect can

help depending on how you structure it

so at many birthday parties people come

together and don’t know each other and

leave not knowing each other I mean

memories and hello or met one person out

of like 40 people they don’t know but I

actually think in a context where you

kind of have to like play turbo host

this is an opportunity and an excuse to

have people actually meaningfully

participate and get to know each other

in a way that they may not otherwise so

a couple of examples if it’s a birthday

party

virtual birthday party to invite each

guest to bring with them like a sweet a

drink a hat of their choice and a story

of of a value or a quality or a tray

that the birthday girl a birthday boy

hold and how they know that and invite

each person to share story you know and

again you’re gonna have to have like a

chief like birthday facilitator and it

shouldn’t be the birthday girl or boy to

actually you know when you ask people’s

stories that relate to the person

they’re interesting not just because

you’re saying oh this person’s so great

or but it’s actually giving a lot of

people context about the person but also

about your relationship to them and so

find ways to have people come together

and each have a moment to share

something related to the person but

again through a story not necessarily

advice or an opinion because stories

have legs stories are easy to listen to

stories also have a lot of data in them

that very few other vessels do that’s

really great this has been so wonderful

pre I feel like I I know that I’m really

excited to try some of these these tools

and tips that you’ve offered and these

suggestions I think will really help

assisting a lot of people through these

next few weeks and months and beyond as

we come out of this so I you know I

think before we end I just love to give

you an opportunity to to share any sort

of parting thoughts you have about your

really big takeaways from what we should

take from this moment as we think about

connecting in meaningful ways I think

that we are all in the neck in the

coming weeks and months going to be

hosts of many new types of gatherings

and guests of many two new types of

gatherings and as we do have an

opportunity in each of these moments to

not go on autopilot which is often one

of the dangers of our in-person

gatherings and to ask for every

gathering like why are we doing this do

we still need to do this now what is

essential to preserve and how do we give

life to it in this new medium I think to

think about power dynamics and to ask

what are you actually asking of people

in this moment and is it you know is it

too much this this this pandemic will

weigh on us in different ways unequally

and so as you’re beginning to think

about how and what do we mark

how do you ask and what do you expect

from different people given given a very

difficult and dire time and and again

I’ll say what I said earlier which is we

really inspire each other through

through specific examples of invention

and so too as you as you as you try out

new things and and also in the work

context as you think about what is it

that actually makes meetings work and

meaningful experimenting with shortening

the time of meetings experimenting with

spending more time on checking in and

perhaps only having meetings for

decision-making and not doing meetings

for anything else like to actually start

really sharing lessons with one another

and to please share your examples with

me because I learn every time I hear of

ways that wherever people are in the

world they’re inventing new ways of

coming together in ways that communities

need thank you so much Priya this has

been wonderful and I really appreciate

you taking the time to chat and sending

best wishes to you and all of your loved

ones to stay safe and healthy during

this time thank you thank you so much

for having me and be well