Beauty for life along with changes and imperfections

[Music]

a few years ago

i learned i had a genetic mutation that

predisposed me to breast cancer

at my doctor’s recommendation i had a

prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with

implant reconstruction

in simpler terms my breasts were

amputated

and i had implants inserted so that i

could look normal again

there were two huge problems

with all of this the implants

they made it feel like my chest was

tearing

apart from inside with every breath i

took

and i couldn’t lie down flat at night to

sleep

because of the pain so i slept

propped up surrounded by a pillow

fortress

and it cut me off from my husband

looking normal wasn’t worth this

i wanted deconstruction i needed to

breathe and sleep

comfortably i wanted to reach across the

bed to hold my husband’s hand

as i fell asleep at night but my plastic

surgeon was concerned

he was concerned about the impact that

removing the implants

that my appearance would have on my life

it brought up a few major questions

if i was flat and scarred

would my husband still find me

attractive

and want to be with me what would my

family say

would my friends still want to hang out

with me or would my new body make them

uncomfortable

this choice between the implants

and looking normal or being comfortable

in my own body

came with a potentially profound cost

of connection and this is an incredibly

vulnerable

position to be in

but i said yes i had the implants

removed

because my health is more important than

someone else’s

opinion about what makes me

beautiful

so what does my story have to do with

you

well changes in our appearance can be

hard

regardless of what they are they can

make you question and doubt your

attractiveness

or question the strength of your

relationships

maybe someone’s negative comments that

were said to you

years ago are still stuck

in your mind so what do you do

how do you deal with physical change

and still feel beautiful

well my goal today is big

i want to give you beauty for life and

it comes with a fairy tale

a mirror and a little bit of magic

so let’s start with what you want to get

from beauty

i propose that what you hope to get is

connection and relationships you want to

be someone that other people

want to be with so you do your best to

be attractive

and beautiful but what does that

mean what came to your mind first

was it your looks or was it your

personality

did you think about both

if you feel like this just became

another superficial conversation about

beauty

stay with me

most of you will

when asked what beauty is most of you

will tell me that it’s what’s inside

you’ll generously describe others as

beautiful based on their

personality and their actions

but you can also think of someone

as unattractive based on their

personality

and actions think about the evil queen

in snow white

you meet her as the most beautiful woman

in the land

but in the end her actions are anything

but beautiful and because of that we

never

think about her or describe her as

beautiful

inner beauty influences your perception

of outer beauty but let’s talk about you

things get complicated and they get

messy when you start to describe

yourself

and this is because you don’t see

your inner beauty and it makes you

a much harsher critic

it makes you a harsher critic because

all you see is your physical appearance

when you look in the mirror

and this inability to see

your inner beauty with your outer beauty

creates a double standard for you that

sets you up

for failure

you are human

and you were not born in a static body

to be human is to change

so you need

to change the way that you look at

yourself

and embrace a beauty philosophy that is

realistic and not

what we’ve been doing see

your energy and your body are a dynamic

duo

that make up the wholeness of your

beauty

and this duo has nothing to do

with perfection beauty

has room for imperfection

the evil queen didn’t have a talking

mirror

she leaned into her mirror and she got

lost her story

could have been radically different

if she had allowed for change with some

grace

we are not wax figures they might be

perfect

but they don’t have our spark and

you would never say i want to meet up

with a wax figure

for a cup of coffee my guess

is that you’d much rather meet up with

an imperfect friend

for that cup of coffee why well

those wax figures don’t offer any

opportunity for connection

relationships need energy

not perfection

and i get it sometimes physical change

can be overwhelming

and we do have those moments maybe

you’ve had one yourself

where you’ve looked in the mirror you’ve

seen the changes

and you’ve thought i don’t look like

myself anymore

so there’s no point in what i do

but if you do this you lose

because you’ve forgotten that there is

more to your beauty

than your body or the one thing

that you’re dissatisfied with

being unable to see your beauty

damages your ability to believe that

other people want to be with

you and that that is

terrifying because we need

connection

this fear of being unattractive

usually creates a few different

reactions

we try to find a solution to whatever it

is

that we think is a problem

we might try to pull back from our

relationships maybe

you refuse to be in the family photo

or you do a combination of the two

i want to share a story with you

back in the 1960s there was a 19 year

old actor who was starting to go bald

and he was convinced that

everything in his life was over

acting women everything

was over and to give you some context

this was long before the hashtag

bald is beautiful back in the 1960s

balding was something that

maybe you tried to hide whatever

the perception was at the time he

was terrified of the change that was

happening to him

and he started slouching to hide his

baldness

he was ashamed and this shame and

embarrassment

was killing his career as an actor

because he needed to be

confident and to stand up straight and

to portray

him

well luckily he had some friends who

genuinely

cared about him they cared about the

potential that they saw in him

and so they staged an intervention this

intervention

helped him regain his confidence and it

changed the course of his life

in the last 60 years sir patrick stewart

has been knighted for his acting and

gotten married

he found career success and love

we got captain picard and professor x

everybody won

it was never the baldness that would

have held him back

it was shame

and i get it nobody

wants to feel less than they were

but part of that is how you choose to

think

about beauty

so how do you do this

well first of all i want you to know

that you have more control over how

people perceive you

and connect with you then you think

so in order to feel beautiful

in the midst of imperfection or change

i have a secret i want to share with you

i want you to pretend that your mirror

is magic and ask it to show you

all of you step back

from your mirror so that you can see the

wholeness

of your beauty when you look in the

mirror

and you ask it to show you all of you

i want you to ask yourself

what energy do i bring into the world

how do i make others feel what

makes me me look for this

when you look in the mirror

this will make all the difference in the

world

it will allow you to

see those changes that have happened but

still

recognize that inner beauty as well

it allows you to be a whole

person and that is what people

fall in love with

as you start doing this

you will hear voices putting you down

but those voices aren’t from the mirror

that’s your inner critic so when you

have bad days

and that inner critic pops up because it

will

i want you to

write down one thing on a note card that

is beautiful about you

and keep it close to your mirror and

when that bad day comes

i want you to take it out read it look

in the mirror

and ask it to show you all of you

see your inner and outer beauty

and if someone else says something

negative about you

remember that you don’t have to accept

everything that is given to you

you can choose to let some of it go

when i lost my breasts and

my clothing didn’t look the same and i

was questioning why it even mattered

what i looked like or what i did anymore

i ended up finding heart

i looked in the mirror i chose

to see all of myself and i adapted

my personal style to include things that

i hadn’t really worn before such as off

the shoulder blouses

and it made it much easier to let go of

the things that i loved

and could no longer wear i discovered

that being flat doesn’t stop

me from being me

and i’ve become friends with my mirror

i ask it to show me all of me and day by

day

i’ve learned to feel beautiful

and whole again

with scars and without breasts

but i had to step back and adapt your

beauty

never leaves you

you just need to learn

to step back from your mirror ask it to

show you all of you

and accept what you see as beautiful

i am beautiful with my imperfections

and because i believe i’m beautiful i

can believe my husband

when he walks in the door and says hello

beautiful do you believe the people in

your life who tell you that you

are beautiful

beauty doesn’t lie in perfection

it lies in wholeness and a willingness

to find heart

when change inevitably happens

so take a step back from your mirror

be you and be

that imperfect and beautiful friend

that says yes to meeting for coffee

thank you

you