How rehearsing your history can kill the lying rat inside your brain

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[Applause]

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i watched the

beatles on the ed sullivan show with my

father

on february 9 1964.

my father loved the beatles and a boy

loves what his father loves

i write about a hundred songs a year i

finish one

every three days yes that’s too many no

i can’t stop

but not too long ago i was typing a

lyric and i typed the phrase

the united states of america and by

mistake i

typed the united states of amnesia

that’s cool i thought i had discovered

something

only to discover that gore vidal had

coined that phrase back in the 70s

and i quote we are the united states of

amnesia

we learn nothing because we remember

nothing the more things change the more

they stay the same

and then they can tell us who we are and

they can tell us

where we’re from and they can tell us to

whom

we belong

and then they can sell us stuff that we

don’t really want or need and deliver it

to it

to us within the hour and then they can

tell us what to

think and who to vote for

rehearsing your history can help combat

that

assault what are the causes well

there are many i suppose we’re a very

mobile society we move from place to

place and if you don’t quickly

reestablish yourself

you’ll quickly disappear then there’s

technology we’re

staring at these screens all day every

day and they call it stuck in the

eternal present

where there’s no future and there’s no

past and

we’re bombarded by two and a half

million ads

every year and then there’s the ticker

at the bottom of the tv screen that

alerts us to the latest crisis

and quite frankly it’s just

easier sometimes to forget than it is to

remember but we forget at our own

peril

yes now that’s the view from

30 000 feet let’s get down to the street

level where you and i live

if i were to tell you about my songs i

would tell you about the 2300 songs that

have not been recorded

not the 200 some odd that have been

recorded i would tell you about the what

was i thinking songs the how could i

have been so crazy songs i wouldn’t tell

you about the hits

why well i guess it’s because i have a

very

negative critical view of myself maybe

it’s

um maybe it’s i have a sad sac

disposition maybe my mother told me it’s

impolite to brag on oneself

maybe i’ve mastered the art of

self-deprecation

maybe my protestant guilt and shame

overwhelms me with self-loathing

whatever it is i have a wildly

inaccurate view

of myself now that’s me

then there’s the other guy the guy that

tends to whitewash his

past the the politician that exaggerates

his record to such a degree that

he would know a fact from a lie if it

hit him square in the face with a shovel

it’s the

braggart at the cocktail party that you

forgot to avoid

you have to decide which camp that

you’re in

but the result of both these

catastrophes

is that we end up believing lies and not

the truth

and lies tend to lead us to isolation

and loneliness and amnesia

yes remembering your history can help

combat that assault

if you don’t know where you’ve been my

friend you’re not going to know where

you’re going i draw a distinction

between

history and memory and that memory can

be a work of fiction history is actually

a fact it may have to be corroborated by

others but it still is a fact

let me tell you why rehearsing my

history was so healing and helpful to me

i want to tell you about my father my

father was a steel salesman he was a

ukulele strumming piano playing steel

salesman he was a wonderful father he

was a

wonderful husband he was challenged at

times with depression and

could be troubled at times but aren’t we

all

i had a fairly idyllic life i thought at

age

10 my father and i went roller skating

early one saturday morning and

he fell and broke his arm my mother took

him to the doctor’s office to get a cast

and 50 opioids and

he was hooked right then and right there

he needed more and more and he gained

the system and

my mother had to take him to the

sanitarium which was really like a rehab

and then she covered for him with his

bosses

while he was gone and took him around on

the sales calls when he got back and

it took a while and he recovered

until he didn’t

uh it was a again a fairly normal life i

thought

for the next 12 years now it’s 1975 and

my father is retiring from u.s steel

with a gold watch and a 45-year pin

and my sister was getting married and i

was graduating from college it really

should have been the best of times it

was in fact the worst of times

it started an 18-year slow-motion

suicide ride of

depression and addiction in hospitals

and doctors and shock treatments and

terrible

terrible nursing homes

miraculously and i mean miraculously my

father recovered the last three years of

his life it was

it was it was a miracle and

um our fellowship was restored and his

faculties returned and

it was it was a joyous time he

ultimately died of cancer

in 1996

i thought that i had made peace with

that quite honestly

but over the next few years when i would

see a picture of my mother and father

holding hands

i’d pass the mcdonald’s he loved big

macs i’d see somebody chewing gum

he he loved free dent he had dentures

i’d

i’d hear me and bobby mcgee he loved

christopherson

there he was just drifting in this soft

georgia wind and he was saying something

and i couldn’t quite make it out

he kind of had a half smile but there

would be this

overwhelming sorrow that would take over

and i thought well

maybe that’s just the way it is with

fathers and sons one of you is a son of

a and the other’s a son of a gun

at the same time my life had moved on i

married the love of my life and

i had three children i experienced some

success with music

had a few accolades made a little money

i had some good friends and

and then i developed this unrelenting

overwhelming sense of a burning ambition

it was it was it was unhealthy it was

driving me

crazy with great anxiety do more

accomplish more

be more successful like a rat on a wheel

just dancing faster and faster and

ultimately there was a convergence

between the grief for my father and this

unrelenting unhealthy ambition and i

guess i finally surrendered and i did

what a writer does i just sat down and i

wrote about it

i opened up my black and white

composition book

and i was shocked

like poison spilled out on the page onto

the table

onto the hardwood floor let somebody

else clean it up

i was furious at my father

for giving into the addiction and the

chaos that he had sown in our lives i

was angry at my mother for giving up on

my father

the greatest anger and fury was directed

towards myself

because i hadn’t advocated for my father

like i should have

the medical system failed him

but i still couldn’t put my finger on

this unrelenting

burning ambition that i had it just made

no sense but

as i gave myself to the process and

wrote more and more

trying to connect the dots there it was

hiding in plain sight

my ambition was tied directly to trying

to redeem my dead father’s reputation

20 years after my father died i’m still

trying to make you

think better of my father

i thought if i was successful enough i

could convince you of that

it’s insane i know but

there it was it was in black and white

and on the paper and honestly

i felt a great sense of relief once i

had it there and i could call it by

its name whatever it was and

i could start kind of working my way

through it and i’m still working my way

through it i guess

but the shackles on my ankles started to

become loose and i could regain my

equilibrium and

and then then i literally had this

epiphany

the epiphany was i i saw my father

dancing on the streets of heaven

and he was saying my son tell your son

i’m a new creation let it go

and i’m trying to let it go but my

friends

it’s almost as if we live in a culture

that tries to dismantle us

and a recollection of ourselves it’s

about as clear as a muddy

river

rehearsing my history now back to you

i’m going to give you a mission possible

it’s fraught with difficulty but

most worthy endeavors in life are as you

know

i’m going to give you four steps to

rehearsing your

history step number one

you have to take an inventory of your

life

you have to find that broken place that

never got fixed the wound that never

healed it’s

it’s there in the closet in the back of

your mind on the

back in the left and it’s hanging next

to the skeletons

it’s covered with shame and guilt and

disappointment and despair

it’s it’s really pretty obvious

if i think if you’re looking for it it’s

that thing you’ve been trying to avoid

your entire life but it’s right there

waiting for you you have to take an

inventory of your life

step number two you have to dust it off

you got to walk in the closet of your

mind

you have to go back to where the

skeletons are you have to pick this

thing up and you have to drag it

into the light of day and throw it on

the sidewalk

and call it by its name for you and all

the world to see

this is honestly the hardest step but

i’m telling you it gets easier from here

and you can

do this and then you have to go to a

drugstore and you have to get a black

and white composition book and a yellow

number two pencil

you have to sharpen the pencil really

really sharp

because the pencil and the paper are

amnesia killing machines there’s

a there’s no screen involved don’t get

freaked out it’s a tactile experience

you just have to write

step number three you have to open up a

vein

metaphorically so open up your black and

white composition book

and at the top of each page sight sound

smell

taste touch motion pat pattison calls

that sense bound writing

you want to describe this thing whatever

it is

in the most brilliant gory uh

intense micro details that you can

don’t worry about telling a story just

describe it the narrative will actually

reveal itself to you

as you as you describe it it’s magic the

way it comes to life

don’t worry about getting it right just

get it written

then step number four you have to gather

some friends and i know what you’re

thinking i don’t have friends

like that well

you’re gonna need friends to go forward

what is a friend a friend is someone

that always lets you in never let you

down that’s what tim keller says

why not your family because you don’t

get to choose your family you get to

choose your friends and they choose you

they love you for who you are

and for who you’re not

and then you need to drop the needle on

the vinyl and play a couple of songs

that are

the soundtrack of your life it will help

your story come to life

and they say we should all cry once a

week so

cry your story pantomime it whisper it

throw a tantrum

whatever you have to do get the story

out don’t even worry about telling it

correctly you’ll tell it incorrectly but

your friends

your community will help you correct the

false narrative

and then here’s the best part out of the

fog and the mist and the amnesia

stones of history will emerge

as the lies drift away on like ashes on

the wind the stones of your history from

where you’ve been to where you’re going

from your past to your future leaving

this thing

behind that you have finally started to

deal with

and you can get kind of get on with your

life

rehearsing your history was valuable and

helpful to me and maybe it will be to

you

i have a silver mint julep cup

it says june 1st 1994

tom douglas little rock bmi

when your song goes number one they give

you lots of cool stuff

i presented this silver mint julep cup

to my father

as a symbol of our achievement it was as

much his as it was

mine and he showed it to every nurse

doctor and orderly that came in his

nursing home room

until the day he died rehearsing my

history led me

to this song

i’m about the age that he was

second time he got sick

[Music]

and retired with a gold watch

tick tock tick he had faith in the

doubts

working out his salvation me i’m trying

to live up

to my father’s reputation

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i’m the son of a salesman i got

two-thirds of his name

the first one is able

the second one came he got lost between

hank williams

and the book of revelation me i’m trying

to live

down my father’s reputation

and love is complicated between a father

and a son

wanna use the son of a and the

other

is a son of a gun but every song i

ride in every fight i fight i resist

the cruel temptation to redeem

my father’s reputation

but i carry it on

and i carry the name

and i hear his voice

in the drops of the rain

won’t you come home

bill bailey and he left me some songs

and an old ukulele

and every song i write in every fight i

fight i have a greater appreciation

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for my father’s

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reputation

[Applause]

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so

[Applause]

you