Deeper Than A Scar

[Music]

imagine

you’re in a beautiful country you can

smell

all the different kinds of foods in the

air you can see

animals that you’ve never seen before

you can go to beaches

that are like paradise and you can do

things that you’ve only seen in the

movies

but then some idiot kid makes you leave

and go home early

i was that kid let me explain exactly

what i did

there we were in panama feeling like our

last few days should be adventurous

what’s more adventurous than riding an

atv

and to feed into our adventurous spirit

it wasn’t automatic

so there i was an inexperienced very

overconfident 13-year-old girl on an atv

changing the gears all by myself what

could possibly go wrong

we all start out slow trying to get the

hang of how to drive this thing

then suddenly it feels like a race i’m

barely thinking just going faster and

faster

trying to stay an inch ahead of the

others then the road narrows

we’re all provoking each other trying to

see who can go the fastest

but i’m starting to feel like i might be

going too fast

now i’m going downhill the wind is so

loud

i could barely hear myself think

adrenaline rushing through me

but i’m no longer in control so i get my

foot ready to lower the gear

but it gets stuck i look down for a

brief second

and suddenly out of nowhere there’s

another atv in front of me

i swerve to avoid hitting them and i’m

barely on the road

but before i could swerve back i go

flying

when i think back i try to press pause

on the brief moment

i’m in the air flying but it’s all such

a blur that the next thing i can clearly

remember

is my chest feeling wet from my own

blood and not being able to breathe

now i’m still in the outskirts of panama

my parents are pulling strings and doing

everything they possibly can to get us

back home as soon as possible

i don’t know how they did it but they

got us on the first flight back into

panama city

and a flight the next morning into

california

fast forward one month i’m barely

sleeping

barely eating in immense pain and

finally

about to have surgery yes finally

i spent a whole month like that because

my wounds were so bad

that the doctor said i had a weight to

reduce the risk of surgery

which is why i was ready to have a

surgery

now after the surgery i had now had this

scar

i knew that people were gonna stare at

the airports in panama

i was escorted around in a wheelchair

every kid’s dream

now obviously people were curious why is

this girl in a wheelchair

and i knew that they would have that

same curiosity when it came to my scar

so when it turned out to be a pretty

noticeable one i guess you could say i

was prepared

now the scar falls right along my

clavicle

so a shirt with any type of dip will

show it

at first i wore clothes that were

convenient whatever was easiest to put

on

this meant big baggy sweaters mostly

but then as i started to get better with

physiotherapy and time

i found that i was still wearing the

same clothes

i told myself it was to make me

comfortable and help me move around

but that wasn’t entirely true i was

ashamed

and embarrassed of having made a mistake

of almost hurting others or having a

conscious reminder that i

was never going to be perfect you take

your pick

but that is how i felt now being in

middle school

and wanting to fit in isn’t something

new so when i had this abnormality that

made me feel

not normal i tried to hide myself

because i was afraid of being judged

now we all have this idea of perfection

someone we want to be

or look like some idea we want to live

up to

i also had an idea of what i thought was

perfect

and this scar didn’t fit into that idea

have you ever heard of the gift that

keeps on giving well scars

are like that they are the pain that

perpetuates more pain

they are earned through physical trauma

but there’s more

there’s two other things the scar does

first

it’s a physical trigger surrounding the

events of the injury

every time you look into the mirror

you’re taken back to the memories and

the emotions of what happened

every time you look in the mirror your

eyes naturally gravitate to the scar

your fingers lightly brush it just to

see if it’s still there

second not only do you have to deal with

all these new emotions and changes that

come with the scar

you also have to deal with how others

are going to react to it

when i would be having a conversation

with someone i could see them take the

occasional glance at my scar

they were trying to be subtle about it

but i could tell the curiosity was

invading their thoughts

at first i didn’t really mind i mean

what’s easier than talking about

yourself

but then the scar started to define me

it came to the point where that was the

only thing people would talk to me about

or they would stare to try and see it

and that was not the kind of attention i

wanted

now when most people think of scars they

think of stitches

or surgery but the definition of a scar

is a growth of tissue marking the spot

where skin has healed

after an injury so what most people

don’t realize

is that we all have scars however faint

or small they’re there that one pimple

that just wouldn’t go away

so you scratched at it or popped it and

now there’s

a small mark that’s a scar

that one time you were in the kitchen

cooking and you barely cut yourself

and if you look at it at just the right

angle there’s a mark

that’s a scar each scar shows something

we’ve experienced or overcome

which is why in some religions it’s even

considered a sign of maturity and

strength

so why is it that we’re so scared of

something

that signifies our own strength

through social media and the internet we

have been influenced

to believe that we should strive for

perfection

even though we’re in the era of

self-love and acceptance

we feel the need to change ourselves to

fit in

we hide our differences when we should

be flaunting them

but in order to show off our differences

we have to be proud of them

because they make us unique they make us

who we are

it’s easy to look at yourself and pick

out all the things you wish you could

change

it’s hard to appreciate yourself just

the way you are

to be grateful for all the lessons that

life has taught you

even if it has left a mark to be

thrilled

that you’re not perfect because that

makes us relatable and real

maybe if we thought of scars as just

another kind of memory

it would be easier for us to accept that

they should not be hidden

because they show that we have lived

so while this scar has not only given my

mother another excuse to not

to not let me drive it’s also given me a

new perspective

in how i view myself as well as others

we all have scars something in our past

that is a result of mistakes

something we’re trying to hide something

we’re ashamed of

some are physical some are emotional

but we shouldn’t define our scars by how

they look or how we got them

our scars are a part of our past not

our future they share a story

of acceptance fear sadness

guilt or maybe even happiness

are scars a reminder of what we have

overcome

which is why it is so important that we

embrace them

it has taken me a while to get to the

point where i have chosen to accept

that this scar is a part of me in the

beginning

i didn’t ever think i would get here let

alone be giving a ted talk

on it which is why i can confidently say

that this scar doesn’t define me i

define it

and it’s perfect thank you

you