What is the Caregivers Dilemma

when my family

got the cancer diagnosis life hit the

fan big time

and we went into crisis mode and i

became a caregiver

and i thought to myself wow this is

going to be really hard

but i’m strong we can do this

we’re going to get through this no

matter what

but over time i became a little less

sure of my ability

to manage all the details the medical

stuff i was trying to learn

all the little details we never saw

coming

changes in our lifestyle caring for our

family

running our businesses living our lives

the harder it got the longer it went on

the more i realized my own mental and

physical health was suffering

i was tired stressed

i was depressed frustrated

maybe just a little bit angry and i

didn’t see

any way out of it because

there was no way i was going to stop

what i was doing

or even slow down when we’re so busy

caring for others we simply can’t

or won’t make the time to care for

ourselves

too we start sliding down that slippery

slope of neglecting our own care

saying i don’t have time that our needs

are less important

we shut out everything that’s not

essential

that slippery slope drops us into

overwhelm mode

panic chronic to stress and fear

the potential to make mistakes get sick

ourselves this is the caregiver’s

dilemma

opting out of caring for a loved one is

not an

option for most of us but neither should

be opting out of caring for ourselves

right

it’s necessary that we care for

ourselves in order to show up

as the kind of person the kind of carer

we want to be

and if we don’t somebody’s going to

suffer

so the caregiver’s dilemma

is how do we do both if we can’t

stop or slow down how do we care for

ourselves

and those we love now i tried a lot of

things in desperation

many of them made me feel worse not

better

before i finally found a way to care for

myself

too while still being the best person

and caregiver i could be

in a moment of desperation i discovered

the simple

elegant power of mindfulness i forced

myself

to take a really big step a mindfulness

retreat and it was the beginning of my

understanding

of the ability to manage more skillfully

it revived me in so many ways

it took a lot of study and exploration

to understand how to fit that

mindfulness

into our busy lives and now i’ve

distilled what i studied into something

manageable for me really that anyone can

do

in minutes not days

caring for yourself doesn’t mean you

care less for others

or that you take time away from them

nor does it have to take big chunks of

time from your life

because let’s face it almost everyone

today is struggling with taking that

precious time especially

the hundreds of caregivers i’ve spoken

with in all types of caring situations

they tell me they just don’t have time

for that mindfulness stuff

i get it they’re imagining sitting in

meditation for hours

moving to an ashram chanting sutras

learning yoga or tai chi and those are

all good things mind you

but they’re not for everyone to be

honest i never

thought it was for me either i was too

busy

it seemed to woo it seemed like work

but after trying a lot of things that

were most definitely

not good for me as i started looking

more

deeply into mindfulness i realized

i don’t have time to not be mindful

because it helps me to be more creative

productive more focused

more attentive to what really matters

and happier yes happier

and that makes me a better caregiver

parent friend leader

human it suddenly dawned on me that i

was spending a lot of time

focused on how busy i was how much i had

to do

how guilty i felt if i did anything for

myself

it just didn’t feel right even though in

my heart

i knew it would have been okay

i couldn’t get out of that negative

cycle of stress

okay i wouldn’t so i chose less than

satisfying

things to devote my time to binging on

streaming tv

drinking to go to sleep crying in the

shower

fixing things that weren’t even broken

because i wanted to keep my hands busy

trying to manage everything and refusing

help

whether you’re busy 24 7 caring for

someone who needs constant vigilance

or someone who needs regular care over

periods of days

weeks or years an infant

a parent a spouse a friend

you might understand how quickly you can

get

burned out from doing too much and too

little time

worrying obsessing over details

and when i think about managing care for

a loved one in a care facility

whom you can’t even reach due to the

pandemic

i see how frustrating and fear ridden

that must be

how traumatizing how exhausting it must

be

how the dread of what might be keeps

that cycle of fear

churning yet if we don’t take care of

ourselves

we might not be there when they need us

the beauty of mindfulness is that we

begin to see the patterns we’ve fallen

into

so we can choose better patterns so we

can lose the noise

and focus on what matters and be better

humans

and be better carers now i know you’re

probably saying to yourself

yeah great but i don’t have time to

learn this

much less do it i know it seemed

impossible to me too

but actually now i use my time just a

bit more wisely

mindfully even the trick

is to incorporate it into your daily

life it doesn’t have to take much time

you can handle this think of it as micro

dosed

mindfulness it doesn’t have to take all

day or even 30 minutes

little moments throughout the day add

richness and

calm to our lives and those we touch

that helps us be more focused more

productive when we need to be

and relaxed and rested in between

let me share with you two simple

microdosed mindfulness habits you can do

anywhere anytime

when you feel yourself slipping down

that slope

towards overwhelm stop

for a pause this seems so basic doesn’t

it

but we get so wrapped up that we don’t

pause and it takes

little time and it’s so powerful

just stop for a moment a breath even

the power of this pause is epic

it allows our mind to notice to evaluate

to rest and gather fresh energy

i can’t count how many times i’ve paused

before acting

and things actually resolved themselves

before i had to do anything

when in conversation pause and listen

people will say more to fill the gap but

if you keep talking

you’ll miss something maybe something

really important

use that pause that sacred pause

as a way to rest your wild mind for a

moment

when you’re waiting for something allow

yourself a moment to simply

be without having to do a thing

it’s incredibly restful and you can do

it anywhere

just like this

that pause becomes a habit

that refreshes restores revives

when you’ve learned a pause you can go

one step further

to nurture your resources we all have

valuable resources right at our

fingertips

maybe even take them for granted

sometimes when we’re most stressed

and we most need them we overlook them

they’re all around us like treasures

the smile of a loved one a memory of a

time

you were blissfully happy a shaft of

light coming in a window

or a cloud drifting across the sky

sometimes it’s something as simple as a

stone or a seashell

it brings back a memory i carry one in

my pocket

when i’m stressed it serves as a

touchstone to remind me of that time

a gentle reminder use this pause to

check in with yourself

what’s important to me right now in this

moment

mindfulness can be about choosing what’s

important in this moment

or to simply experience this moment

it can also be about choosing what we

give our attention to

or about noticing what someone else is

giving their attention to

noticing how that feels if you’re giving

your attention to negativity

look around you until you can find

something anything

that’ll bring a smile to your face a pet

a flower looking out the window

it shifts yourself from negativity to

positivity

and then hold on to that feeling of

warmth happiness even

hold it as the precious thing it is the

longer you can hold that feeling

the better lifting your spirit for

even a second can help you to create a

shift

in how you feel help you shift your

mindset so you can be more resilient

less reactive when you encounter the

caregiver’s dilemma in your life and i

guarantee you will think of how a micro

dose of mindfulness

here and there can help you to be more

resilient

better able to manage caring for those

you love

including yourself it only takes a

moment

but the returns are immense and i’ll

close here with my wish for you

a loving kindness prayer because all of

us could use it right now

but especially those who are caregivers

may you be happy may you be

safe and may you have ease