Who cares

picture if you will

in your mind and your heart and your

soul a leader

what does it look like did you see the

words a leader

probably not did you though think of a

person who you know

think of someone you admire was it a

person who you hope to get to know

that’s that leader okay now

put that aside pull out a mirror

and look at it you are a leader

now i don’t mean i just gave you a

promotion or a demotion or whatever that

might feel like to you and this

isn’t about your title not about your

position it’s about you

because you are a leader how so

you lead each day in each way you decide

you choose

to think to speak to engage with other

people

hello leaders now that we all know we’re

leaders

let’s go on a little bit of a leadership

journey okay we’re gonna go backwards

though

let’s go all the way back if you will

think about right before you started

first grade wow that might be a little

while ago

what were you doing hmm i can tell you

what i was doing

i was five years old it was right before

starting school

you know what i got to do i got to go on

my very

first diet because i was too chubby

yeah that’s right and you might be

thinking hmm that’s not what i was

expecting

and you might be thinking so all right

let’s jump ahead

come with me please if you will before

you got into high school

what was something you aspired to

accomplish that you even

attempted to do that was different and

you got input

i ran for student council and you know

what

i lost because i wasn’t cool enough or

popular enough

and you might think oh wow that was a

while ago

now let’s come a little closer to today

think about your very first

work opportunity and remember that time

you got to present

and you might have been dreading it or

been excited about it i remember when i

did

except i went to get feedback afterwards

and i was told

we can’t give you feedback because you

look so young and your voice is so

squeaky it’s hard to listen to you

can you imagine well you’re thinking

about this

you might be thinking so what debbie who

cares

here we are you’re doing okay right

you’re right and that’s part of what i’m

asking you to consider

is if you think about a time that you go

back to

was there a time when somebody said to

you hey who cares what happened

just get over it and imagine if instead

that person said i care and let’s get

through this

together what a difference that would

make

if you’re wondering who cared back in

all of those experiences

that i shared with you guess what i did

it didn’t ruin my life but certainly i

cared

and i still care not because i’m

carrying it as

baggage or something to be concerned

about or really terribly affected my

life

it’s that though through that those

experiences there’s such a realization

of how you engage with other people

matters

yes i care and i believe that when you

think back

on whatever experiences come to mind you

cared too

and who cares are leaders so if that

question ever comes up

think about there are four wonderful

aspects of leaders

who care c-a-r-e communication

appreciation reciprocation and

expectations how did we get there

well communication let’s start at the

beginning leaders who care

communicate effectively are they perfect

no way

did they ever make mistakes absolutely

and yet

leaders who communicate it’s not just

about what they say

it’s how they say it it’s that they’re

willing to say it it’s a vulnerability

in sharing ideas

and being willing to listen oh there’s

that other part of communication

they listen to what other people have to

say they don’t always agree

they sometimes might wish that people

wouldn’t say what they were saying

and yet how they communicate is with an

open mind they

also though listen to what’s not being

said

they watch that body language they watch

the furrow of the brow

they notice when somebody isn’t

participating

not to shame them to include them they

ask

questions to get information and to get

connected

think about this one you heard some

pretty bad stories but when i was in

high school

i figured it out a bit by then i was

playing sports doing well in school

having a great time

and one of my friends was going to

compete in debate and

they needed another person so this

teacher came to me

mrs brundage and sadly she’s not with us

anymore but i remember her so clearly

because she came up to me and she was

very fiery she was about this tall

and she said debbie you can come and do

this

come with us and i said i don’t want to

go isn’t that going on a bus for about

four hours

and just talking to people i don’t know

she said you can do it it’ll push you

and i thought do i really want to do it

i could be playing golf and she said

do this to show yourself what i can see

we can see it and she was so excited she

got riled up she spit a little when she

talked to you and she was

really a communicator if you know what i

mean and i said wow

and you know what she didn’t bully me

into going to the debate

she didn’t pressure me she confidenced

me

she communicated so clearly that belief

that you know i got on that bus the next

day

and you know i rode four hours and

learned how to to debate

you might be wondering did i win no i

placed though by the way

but her whole approach to communication

was to lift me up

and to be inclusive and boy was i

thankful

which brings me to appreciation the

leader who cares

shows appreciation and yes it’s a thank

you i thanked

sally brundage i called her mrs brundage

at the time though

and more than that though leaders

appreciate

what we say that we say it they also

appreciate the idea that we’re similar

in some ways

and we’re different in others they

appreciate

the opportunities they have that might

look a lot like difficulty or challenges

they don’t sugarcoat it to say oh i love

having problems

but they appreciate the fact that

they’re going through it

and they appreciate the people they’re

with now as a performance coach i get to

work with a lot of organizations and

individuals and sometimes they say to me

wait a minute are you telling me that i

pay people and you want me to thank them

for doing their job

the answer is no i don’t want them to

thank them for doing their job

i want them to want to thank them i want

them to appreciate them

because have you ever had this happen or

if you know anybody just let me know

you’re driving home from work or school

one day and you say oh i’m gonna call my

spouse

my kids my parents my dog my cat whoever

will listen on the way home you get on

the phone and you say

please please when i get home no matter

what

no more compliments no more gratitude no

more appreciation

i’m full probably not there aren’t a lot

of people who get

so appreciated all day long that they’re

tired of it

so imagine in that appreciation that

leader who cares

they say i can appreciate that you have

this idea

and they don’t focus on the butt they

focus on the end

and that appreciation is not just the

words

it’s the sense of the culture and the

experience

of gratitude and by the way they do say

thank you to those who work for them

which takes us to reciprocation

reciprocate and you might think is this

a contract debbie

no what i mean by reciprocation is how

do we give and take

you’ve heard about communication and

appreciation reciprocation means

we’re willing the leaders who care to

give feedback

and they’re willing to take what may be

criticism

and hear it as feedback reciprocity is

something that we don’t necessarily

think or talk about a lot

and yet when we reciprocate when someone

has some generosity or grace with us

we remember it not to keep score rather

to include them in

in experiences because a reciprocity

says

i see you and i appreciate that you saw

me too

and in this we can do these things

together we may be on other sides

sometimes

and yet you may want to think of

reciprocity as respect

here’s a story about that one so tying

in the appreciation and

reciprocity i was thrilled when i was

the first time i got to do a

commencement address you can imagine i

was writing it and practicing it and

getting ready

and it took me back to 1990 the

university of michigan

ann arbor in lawrence kasdan delivering

the commencement address for my class

now you may know him from star wars fame

and global

impact all over with with all of his

talents

but i was introduced to him that day and

on that day

he said things that changed my life and

they were simple

he said if your friends across the world

and is getting married

go if someone’s across the street and

they need your shoulder

go and i changed how i lived

sitting there that day and implemented

it so when i was

fast forward in years decades into the

future

and i was preparing that i thought i

want to let him know

so i wrote him a note and i thought this

might go in some fan

mail fan mail and i might never hear

about it but i wanted him to know

because he deserved to

and you know what he did he reciprocated

he sent back a handwritten note

thanking me for sharing the experience

and then wishing me well

you know i have that in my office when i

leave the door and i see it each day

not because people will recognize it but

it reminds me that recipe

reciprocity and the reciprocation of a

leader who cares

is something that perhaps nobody will

really identify and yet we

feel it we know it don’t we

and that brings us to expectations when

we communicate appreciate and

reciprocate

we can set expectations expectations for

some reason

he’s gotten a bad name it’s almost like

it’s a four letter word it’s

not expectations are not assumptions

they’re not demands or commands

what they are is mutually coming

together

and realizing what you can expect of

each other

what you can deliver and you will be

delivered back

so what you do with expectations is you

set them together

and then you deliver you meet them and

in setting these

expectations a lot of times it’s about

saying to somebody

you know what because you’re so good at

this

i’m asking you to do that and then look

looking for it on this day

it’s raising someone up so expectations

aren’t putting someone down or being

bossy

they’re allowing people to really thrive

if you’re wondering how to think about

expectations

we do it every time we say we’re going

to show up for lunch and we’re there on

time that’s an expectation

marriage vows you think about it you

tell the world the expectations that

your partner can

rely on for you and you announce it and

then

you live up to it now if you don’t

believe in in the sanctity of marriage

that’s your choice

but if you think about expectations are

around us so the leader who cares

shares those expectations and then holds

himself or herself

accountable to them and others

accountable as well

in a mutual respect so there you go

leaders who care practice effective

communication

appreciation reciprocation and

expectations

and oh by the way that little journey we

went on

let me bring you up here you might think

well how is this person who is

too chubby not popular enough and way

too squeaky and too young looking

getting to share these ideas with the

world well it’s

that other part of care not only did i

care

i cared duh that d

that dedication imagine being that

dedicated i wasn’t dedicated to the idea

of proving people

wrong or putting that aside or

overcoming

it was the dedication to take that

feedback and learn from it

and dedicate it to be my best not better

than someone else

so if you want to be dedicated as a

leader who cares

take out your mirror you’re right there

share your communication

your appreciation your reciprocation and

your expectations

and the next time someone says who cares

just say

i do thank you