Have You Been Called Emotional or Aggressive At Work

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[Applause]

personally

i love getting called emotional

or aggressive i also like dramatic

pushy sensitive and direct

these negative words most commonly used

to describe women

are actually compliments yes you heard

me correctly

if you peel back the real meaning of

these words used to mean

women they are in fact compliments

but like most women when these words

or microaggressions were used against me

i took it as a hit years of put

and character assassinations made me

question my job

wonder if i was in the right profession

and even made me uncomfortable in my own

skin

so i started researching and i found

that the average person had never even

heard of the term

second generation gender bias let alone

be able to explain it

gender bias on the other hand was known

experienced it’s an obvious overt action

where women

are intentionally left out whereas

second generation gender bias

is much more clever it refers to the

language that on the surface

seems non-sexist but in reality

it’s leveraged to discriminate against

women for not

following preconceived gender norms it’s

so clever in fact

women even use this language to describe

other women

because it seems so normal

finding this term was hugely validating

for what i was experiencing but

unfortunately there were no real

solutions offered

but i refused to give up so the punches

kept on coming

and buried underneath all that

negativity

i couldn’t see that these words actually

presented the key

there was the opportunity to change the

landscape

for women men and organizational culture

you could say i was raised to go against

the grain to compete

my father saw no difference in gender

which is why when he didn’t have a son

he put me in t-ball at the age of six

for the next seven years i was in an

all-boys baseball league

not softball boys baseball i was one of

only two girls

in the entire league when the boys from

the opposing team

saw there was a girl on our team the

jokes and the snickers would start

it would usually end with them trying to

hit me with the ball while i was up to

bat

some of those balls would land but we

know there’s no crying in baseball

so i would smile walk to first

and then steal as many faces as i could

this fun after school activity

prepared me for my first job

at 22 i started my career in the male

dominated field

of tech sales selling hardware and

software to wall street executives

you could say this is basically me

i was once again surrounded in fact i

was hired

managed and trained by men my clients

were all men

and in 17 years of my career i had one

female boss

and she lasted less than a year and all

that time i had three standout male

bosses

they got the best of me but a bit about

that later

i did well on paper i would make or

exceed my quotas

but every performance review would be

served with a large side

of negativity every quarter i would

enter a conference room

take a seat and wait to get hit

with the following punches you’re too

emotional you’re too aggressive

or my favorite you’re just not a team

player

these microaggressions would be followed

up with helpful suggestions

like you should talk less and listen

more

or you should really follow your peers

these words were not only crushing but

also confusing to me

after all i was following their

instructions i was doing exactly as they

said

in fact not only was i doing what they

said but i was now dressing like them

too

their black pantsuit became my uniform

my hair would be tied back

i’d wear no makeup and i even

entertained

those hideous black loafers that should

have been left in the 90s

no one should have been wearing those

loafers not even the men

i wanted to fit in i wanted to feel

accepted and as far as the

recommendation on talking loss well

that was going to be a lot harder

let’s be real have you seen the wolf of

wall street because the quiet ones just

don’t make it

but being in my 20s there was no one to

point out

that while i needed to learn to be

successful like men

i couldn’t go about it the same way

backwards and in heels was the trick

but i wasn’t willing to change my stride

instead

i started looking at the language used

to describe women

to describe me and i started to

recognize it for what it was

second generation gender bias was i ever

going to get a positive performance

review

if this was the only language prescribed

for women like me

even as i outperformed while i was

searching for an answer

columbia was working on an answer of

their own their

heidi howard study took the resume of a

successful venture capitalist

heidi rosen they passed out her resume

to a group of students

but unknown to the students half the

resumes

had been doctored and heidi’s name was

replaced with the fictitious name

of howard students were then told to

rate how likely

they would be to hire or want to work

with the resume that they were given

the results were powerful although the

students

graded both resumes as equally competent

after all they were the same resume

howard was judged to be

more likable a good colleague

and someone they’d like to work for

whereas heidi

well she was deemed to be selfish

and not a team player

amazing how a simple name change on a

resume

can lead to not being a team player or

worse

not getting picked for the team i

remember

vividly and on multiple occasions my

boss saying to me

if it were up to me i never would have

chosen you for my team

we’ll call him newman newman was the

type of guy that for kicks

would call me into his office and talk

at me for hours

literally standing over me

just to tell me how wrong i was for the

job

how i didn’t fit into what he wanted or

what he needed

his whole goal was to break me get me to

leave

or make me cry thanks for baseball dad

paid off when i wouldn’t

he would look at me and he’d say

something to the effect of

wow you’re one tough [ __ ]

why he didn’t like me i don’t know maybe

he thought i had more testosterone than

he did

either way it didn’t work for him

my other boss you can call him sergeant

ellis

he only expected excellent insane work

ethic

and he made sure you knew there was very

little room for error

between the two you’d have thought i was

completely miserable

but in fact i loved working for sergeant

ellis

he rewarded hard work he let me have a

voice

and he knew what true leadership meant

he was the reason i was a top performer

in spite of my other boss because even

with his imperfections

he didn’t try to turn me into something

i wasn’t a subordinate

or a woman who questioned her value

he knew how to leverage me to his

advantage i know that great leaders

and great managers know how to get the

best

from their teams regardless of if they

fit within their preconceived gender

norms

my other two standout bosses gave me the

confidence

to close one of the largest software

deals in the americas at one of the

largest software companies

when i was only 27 and the other

taught me that men could be allies and

how to set boundaries with those who

couldn’t

but they weren’t just stand out to me

they also happened to be the most

successful people i ever worked for

you think they got there because they

had issues with preconceived gender

norms swedish researchers

actually recorded conversations of

venture capitalists speaking about

entrepreneurs who would pitch them

for investment when objectivity turns to

subjectivity

the opinions of the investors shifted

when there was a change in

gender overall male entrepreneurs were

seen as

ambitious risk takers who took action to

try out their ideas

or female entrepreneurs they were

generally seen as

cautious risk adverse and reluctant to

take the next step

the same attribute that was deemed

positive for a male entrepreneur

would be relabeled as negative for a

female entrepreneur

for example if the entrepreneurs were

young

well the mail was perceived as promising

whereas the female was relabeled as

inexperienced and if the entrepreneurs

had experience

well the male was clearly knowledgeable

whereas the females would be worried

you get the idea my favorite

was if the deemed the entrepreneurs

attractive

the women would be graded as more

careless with money

i’m not sure of the correlation between

being attractive and being careless with

money

but if i had to guess this spoke more to

the investors

choices and partners than the women who

actually pitched them for investment

when i read this i wondered how our

standards had fallen

so low and why second generation gender

bias

had spread so toxically unchecked

my company at the time participated in

one of the largest it conferences in the

world

we’d spent thousands of dollars on one

of these over-the-top display booths

it went well the booth was impressive

and everybody kept commenting

on the 90-inch tv the tv might have been

our showpiece that week

but it also turned into our nightmare

the van to transport the tv off site

wasn’t big enough if we didn’t move it

within the hour

our company would be fined thousands of

dollars in storage fees

glancing over three lanes of

bumper-to-bumper traffic in san

francisco

i took off running unfortunately i

wasn’t wearing those loafers

i had graduated from dressing like men

and i was now in heels but i ran towards

a span

and in the distance i got there knocked

on the window and said

hi i’m amy is there any way you can help

me transport a 90-inch tv about 10 miles

away he had a confused look on his face

i pulled money out of my pocket and said

i’ll pay you

now my friend joe was listening i ran

back to the team to announce

we have a van we then loaded the tv

and our vp of technology nicholas

just for collateral insurance in case

joe decided he wanted to acquire

a new big screen in the end we got the

tv transported and saved thousands of

dollars

and still made our flights back to new

york in time however

that story spread like wildfire back in

the office

there were several versions the truth

and everything else i was known as

the crazy woman who played frogger in

san francisco during rush hour traffic

or the aggressive woman who grabbed some

random guy and a stalker van

off the street one of the executives i

worked for carl

finally said to me where were the guys

why didn’t they just handle the tv

i joked well actually nicholas came in

handy for collateral insurance

he wasn’t laughing the message was

i should have left it to the guys moving

big stuff is not women’s work

your resourcefulness and your creativity

made the rest of the

male team look bad

experiencing these situations on a daily

or weekly basis i knew i was probably

never

going to be able to climb the corporate

ladder as high as i wanted

or break the glass ceiling without

conforming or

playing a role it’s not that there

weren’t

other women like me who got it are men

that didn’t appreciate what i brought to

the table

they were just the rare exception

instead of the rule

i knew i would have to start my own

company and go against the grain

once more but what separates

entrepreneurs who make it

and those who don’t we’ve known for a

long time emotional intelligence is the

number one reason

as to why one succeeds in the workplace

furthermore we found that

those with a high level of eq get paid

29

000 more a year on average i think

everyone here can agree

getting paid more is never a bad thing

especially

if you’re a woman but what if you’re a

founder and you’re not in the

traditional workplace

gallup’s five-year study on

entrepreneurs found determination was

number one

while the office of education technology

sets its tenacity

if we look at the definition of tenacity

we find

tenacity is a quality effect of being

very determined

determination and i want you to pay

special attention

to oxford’s example used here you have

to admire

a tenacity of these two guys

we’ll come back to this angela duckworth

a professor at the university of

pennsylvania calls it grit

and she’s even called created a grit

scale in which she measures

how much an individual displays on her

grit scale she in fact found

that females were significantly grittier

than males students aged 31 and older

were likely to score higher and students

with postgraduate studies

scored higher still so theoretically

if you’re a female older than the age of

31 and have completed your postgraduate

degree

congratulations you’re one of the most

tenacious or gritty out there

but let’s go back to that example from

oxford

the tenacity of these two guys i think

someone needs to inform oxford not only

are they promoting

a gender stereotype but it’s time for

them to update their example

looking back at all this research we

have to start asking ourselves as women

if you can’t be emotional then how can

you exercise your emotional intelligence

and if you can’t be aggressive then how

are you supposed to be tenacious or show

grit

how are we supposed to be successful if

the very things that make us successful

are those that become negative when

they’re tied to a woman

let’s go back to the start

i love getting called emotional

or aggressive i also like

dramatic pushy sensitive

and direct instead of the negative

and demeaning rhetoric these words now

translate

to their actual meaning and i hear

compliments instead

emotional now means emotionally

intelligent

and aggressive now means tenacious are

one who has grit

because in reality if these

microaggressions were tied to a man

they wouldn’t be microaggressions at all

they would be viewed

felt and be seen as compliments

it wouldn’t tear them down or make them

question their capabilities

but it would do exactly the opposite

giving them the confidence they need to

climb the corporate ladder

to ask for more money and to start their

own business

furthermore i want this to change the

game for how women see themselves

in the workplace and to make people

question how women are actually

perceived

when they don’t fit in with the cultural

norm

this was the type of solution i was

looking for years ago

and i want you to try it the next time

you hear another woman

being called emotional or aggressive

or even if you’re called it yourself i

want you to change the game

and i want you to flip the script let me

show you what i mean

let me take you back to that conference

room in my 20s

if someone were to say to me amy

you’re being too aggressive my response

is now

understood so do you think i should be

less tenacious

it will stop the person across from you

and make them think

who is going to come back to you and say

yes be less tenacious

or tenacity is bad because it isn’t

i’ll give you another example amy

you’re being too emotional

my response is now yes

i am emotional about my work thank you

so much for recognizing my passion

it means a lot to me if you take this

negativity and turn it into a compliment

you’ve reassigned this negative

perception into something more positive

not just for you but for the other women

and men

around you as well so the next time

someone tells you

you’re a bit too emotional or aggressive

take it as a compliment and say thank

you i am passionate about how i spend my

time

and tenacious about how i run my

business

thanks so much

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