A Second Chance How I Changed My Life

[Music]

when i was approached to do this

talk um i was really surprised because i

wondered

what qualified me to do something like

this

i felt i was just a regular mum on the

other side of the phone

my struggles were not unique

[Music]

my life was very ordinary actually

i wasn’t able to perceive what was going

on on the other side of the phone

while i from my side but

um of course when you’re approached for

something like this

it’s very hard to say no um especially

when i had i felt i had so much to say

but i’m not a speaker so i wondered how

i was going to do this had my plan how

do i script this and

and i’m not someone who can be scripted

and in the end i thought

i’m going to do this the only way that i

know how and that is by simply speaking

from the heart

and being as honest as i can and

telling you a little bit about my

journey

so my name is freya jaffer

i’m british pakistani and i’ve been

living in the uae for about 12 years now

and i’m a mom so i live here with my

family so for as long as i can remember

i always felt like i

struggled internally with culture

with what society expected of me at

every phase of my life

growing up as a married woman as an

older woman as a mother their

expectations that were not natural to me

and they were not bringing out the best

of me they were not bringing me

happiness and i didn’t feel at peace or

fulfilled

in these ways but i lived that path

because i knew of nothing else

and like everyone else the struggles

were relatable i faced

bereavement i faced

heartbreak um there are money issues

betrayal so these are things most people

can identify with

but um i was always

very very sensitive and i’m the type of

person

who extracts and absorbs

energy from

whatever surrounds me people situations

so that was what eventually

brought me metaphorically to my knees i

had completely run out of steam

um and

i had nowhere actually

to go

to turn to on the outside my life looked

perfect to everybody

you know i had no reason to complain but

it was almost as if i i was this shell

and i was just

box ticking at every point

there was no me in the equation of life

it was always for someone else for some

reason

and living another way so

by talking today i hope that

there is a glimmer of hope for someone

watching

to see that if i can change it with my

limitations

if i can pull myself out of something

like this

then anyone can do it so i’m going to

start off to tell you a story about

dal now

dal is a traditional south asian food

which is

very cheap to eat to make

lentils like lentil soup so

my earliest memory

[Music]

of you could say hopelessness

is associated to this when i was a child

um like most homes everyone has ups and

downs and i remember my parents faced

a phase where it was very difficult

financially

i remember we had a period where there

was

11 days where there was only dal in the

house

there was no food there was not even an

onion

there was not milk there was nothing in

the house and i remember

you could add a cup of water to the

lentils to kind of

extend it the quantity

and i remember those 11 days till now

i think i was eight or nine at the time

when this happened

and it’s not the dal as such i remember

but it’s

the humiliation and the hopelessness

that my parents faced they were

completely

lost and it exposed me

to a world very early on where when you

have money

and you’re in a good position

everybody’s your friend but when you

lose everything there is nobody there to

help you

you really are on your own and um

and i recall being so young and

and i remember thinking that you know i

hate this feeling i

i couldn’t put into words at that age

but i

knew that i hated that feeling and i

never wanted to experience that again

and and i kind of made a vow that if i

ever get into position where i can do

anything

to help someone i will do that because

no one should feel this

and no one should see their loved ones

experience this

so that feeling that first feeling

you know being so sensitive and

absorbing the energy around me

that was one of my earliest memories of

when

humans are literally down to rock bottom

so move forward up a little bit

life happened i went to school college

got married had children you know

box ticked everything more or less

and it’s in this phase of my life where

i’m

i faced um

the most difficult times i would say

emotionally

it’s when i experienced bereavement

um deceit postnatal depression

and i was now living in a country where

i didn’t have family

so i’d completely lost my way

and i recall

um that this

was impacting me as a mother so much i

had switched off

for almost 12 months i think i

i hadn’t said a word i was just getting

up i was cooking i was cleaning

i was just functioning and when i

realized that this is

impacting me as a as a mother as a

parent

i knew things had to change so now i was

back trapped in the day days of

dal that hopelessness had come back

life had somehow come back grabbed me

and just shook

me and taking me back to that moment

in time and i realized suddenly

i have to get myself out of this from

facing

death to betrayal there was only me

who i could depend on how was i going to

do this

and i remember the exact moment

that this journey on social media

started

i had a newborn baby in my arms i had

other small children

and i had my mobile phone in my other

hand

and as a new mom you’re always sort of

feeding so you’re just sitting there

you have a huge amount of time on your

hands yet you’re extremely physically

busy

so my only window to the world was my

mobile phone

so as i would feed my my child i would

sit there scrolling through

trying to find some online support i was

ready

to get the help and

back in those days um i’m talking

sort of eight years ago now it was very

difficult

to find anything which was geared

towards abu dhabi and

google kind of failed abu dhabi in terms

of real-time information

it was very difficult to come across

accurate

um information

for daily basis and things like that so

i figured social media might have an

answer for me

so i went over to various platforms and

i ended up on facebook

now i thought there must be a group

surely

for something like this based in the

capital of abu dhabi and

there wasn’t there wasn’t anything like

this and

i remember i sat there and i thought i’m

going to make

a vehicle of support for myself

where i can solve my issues ask my

questions

pour my heart out and find a network

where i can help myself where i can

bring myself back

so i formed a facebook group and i

called it abu dhabi q

a and i added 70 people from my friends

list

and they were people living here in abu

dhabi

and it was useful in the beginning there

were questions and there were answers

that was the whole idea you post a

question

and the members reply to the answers

and um i wasn’t sure um

when i was going to add my personal

questions and then how i was going to do

it because

so many these are my friends and 50 60

70 of them

so when the group crossed i think it’s

about 500 people which is

pretty quick that was when i dropped the

first dozen

bombshells of anonymous posts and they

were all mine

and i remember just

[Music]

writing away under an anonymous person

banner

pouring my heart out telling my story

dividing my story up into multiple posts

and i did this over the course of

a month or two and um

it was so liberating it was so

liberating just to

to say whatever i could to

because these are the things i couldn’t

say to family to friends

i felt humiliation again i felt shame i

um i felt ungrateful for what people

perceived i had

but i was struggling so this just

completely liberated me

and what i found was that people who

were answering

those posts and advising and offering

support some of them were my friends

only they didn’t know it was me so um

i remember just their replies

um extremely heartwarming they reduced

me to tears and and i

and i felt instantly better i felt

connected to them i wish i could have

said you know it’s me

but i didn’t so then what happened was

this this effect of the anonymous post

just grew

people couldn’t believe there was

someone in abu dhabi

who felt like this and who they could

relate to

these are all the struggles that no one

could talk to

it was hard it was easier to talk to a

stranger than it was to someone you knew

so somehow

by seeking help for myself

others came forward and now the roles

reversed

i was now helping other people and

my suddenly i had this purpose in my

day i thought okay what is going on in

the community i’m going to deal with

this

um and i became

almost militant for three years where

the phone was

attached to my body literally anyone who

knew me at the time will know i was just

on my phone i had four small children

who were now growing up but i was neck

deep

in community issues from employment to

mental health

to people feeling lonely not having food

on their table

it was just people were opening up with

all sorts of stories of heartbreak

and um they had completely absorbed me

into their lives telling me their

stories

and i connected i knew because because

of these feelings

going back to the story of when i was

younger and knowing what that feels like

you know absorbing this energy and i and

i didn’t want other people to feel like

that and i felt if i could help

just by listening or giving them my time

that’s what i’m going to do because

that’s all i really had

so my healing process started

i suddenly felt that i was enjoying this

it gave me direction in my own little

world this is what i’m going to do

my problems were still it there but i

now had somewhere else to look

i had to do direction and i was

distracted for a little while from the

reality

so while i was distracted for a little

while

the worldly veneer was slipping i was

now

becoming myself everything i was online

i am online is is me

and i was finding purpose i was finding

happiness

and the voice that i kept hearing the

last few years that kept telling me that

everything i was everything about my

character that would carry no value in

the world

would make you know you can’t survive in

the world with these skills i was

suddenly

relying on those skills and i was making

a small difference i

i got to know myself by helping others

by being involved in the community i

suddenly knew my strengths i knew what i

was capable of

i started dreaming and i felt like i

could change things

and as the social media

was a byproduct of the community work i

went along with it and

i decided to shift the focus on myself

and now i was seen i was hurt i wasn’t

supposed to be culturally but now i was

everywhere

because i wanted to carve out my own

life and

in the process i had to risk being

misunderstood

for the short term where you know i

faced again

situations of deceit of being used but

i had to keep focused and that was to

help myself

to change my life help other people

change their lives make a difference in

the world

have a purpose in my life i could not

take my eyes off the ball

even if that meant removing people from

the equation of that journey

because i couldn’t let go of what i set

out to do what i’d poured

the last seven years into so for the

short term

it’s a risk that sometimes you have to

take to find your purpose

to prioritize yourself

so i

i had a little bit more work to do and i

i finally found the strength and the

courage

to to try and carve out my own life

where now

i can become independent

financially independent be an example to

my children that

you don’t have to settle for second best

you you just need your strength you have

you have to get to know yourself first

once you know yourself and you know your

capabilities

there’s nothing that can stop you and

with all my limitations

and without any money starting from

scratch

and just going on my character

and staying true to my word being

sincere and loyal i managed to lift

myself

out of that quagmire that i felt i would

just be in forever

and and i i i hope

that you take away a lesson where

you know that it’s nothing extraordinary

it’s the ordinary

it was the ordinary moments in the day

that i wanted to fix

and that those were my stepping stones

and now

i’m i’m in the third phase of my journey

where i have

taken the decision to become independent

and

i still have a long way to go so

i i just want to end on saying that

whatever your dreams are don’t forget

them

and keep hold of them and

get to know yourself get to know

yourself because

we can do so many things

and i wish you all the best in that