Becoming Trauma Informed Changed My Life

[Music]

she hit me and i mean hard across the

face

i felt the sting

and heat of her hand

tears welled up in my eyes

this was the moment that changed

everything

it was the slap that woke me up

i was driving down the street with my

kindergartner and his birth mom

we had a disagreement about something

trivial as usual but this day

i pushed back

my son’s birth mom hit me across the

face

while i was driving with my son in the

back seat

i didn’t know how to respond to her hit

i was frozen

so i hit my knees

and i asked god for guidance

today i want to talk to you

about trauma it’s impact and why i’m so

passionate about being trauma informed

jc is my son

he came into my life a decade ago when i

became his newly appointed foster mom

i brought him home from the hospital

he was my little preemie

i was in heaven

months later

jc was sent to live with his birth

parents and i

was devastated

i knew

he was in danger

and i wanted to protect him

so i let my foster license expire

so that i could co-parent with the birth

parents

this lasted for several years and i was

determined

to help

in the cycle of intergenerational trauma

most of us think about physical trauma

like a hit on the head

a concussion

days in the hospital

and recovery

but there’s more than physical

the centers for disease control did a

study of adults who as children

suffered adverse childhood experiences

examples are physical emotional

and sexual abuse as well as neglect

the study showed

that children who suffered

these experiences

often had issues with brain development

their physical health and even into

their future

children

who experience

severe adverse childhood experiences

are 1200 times more likely to try death

by suicide

at some point in their lives

that

is staggering

and could explain

why suicide is the second leading cause

of death

amongst our country’s youth

but in that same study

there was hope

thank goodness there was hope

the study showed that having just one

loving advocate could change the course

of a child’s life

so i took that

hope to heart

and for six years j.c lived two lives

one with me and the other with his birth

parents

i had no experience or idea of what

their lives were like

my childhood resembled the cosby show

but set in a small factory town

i had a foundation that was built on

love

and i can’t remember a time when i felt

unsafe

jc on the other hand heard his mom speak

of suicide

he found a big gun under the couch

he was locked out of the back room when

the parents would smoke some white stuff

and he saw his parents tried to kill

each other

this happened over and over again

i just kept holding on

to this idea

that one loving advocate could make a

change in a child’s life and i wanted to

be that for jc

so for six years

i provided for jc and his birth parents

food clothing shelter i took care of it

all

i was committed to helping them break

the cycle of intergenerational trauma

but

that slap

it showed me

that i wasn’t helping at all

i thought i was making a safe space for

jc

but the slap

taught me

and it showed me it opened my eyes to

the fact

that i was in danger myself

how could i keep him safe if i was in

danger

a few months after the hit

jacy spoke of suicide to his

kindergarten teacher

it sounds ridiculous

but my hands were tied

i had no legal rights

i had no legal rights

and the system wasn’t listening

months after that he went from talking

about it to acting on it

yes my six-year-old son tried to die by

suicide twice

jc was placed in behavioral health

for observation

i knew i had to take drastic and

immediate action

to help him

get the help he needed his parents were

trying to get him out

so i went to work and in three days i

had emergency custody

i spent the next few years in court

battling for my son

restraining orders

custody battle

there were death threats

and eventually

i got permanent custody

it was draining

but i held on to the hope

i held on to our love

and i look to our future

and then

i adopted jc

he was mine and i became that loving

advocate that committed consistent

advocate that i wanted to be

i kept asking

could he recover

could he have a normal childhood

but no one could or would answer me

so i got busy and i learned all that i

could about being trauma informed

and that’s what i became

i was trauma informed

everybody was talking about jc’s

behavior

by this time he had multiple diagnoses

ptsd adhd

i knew it was deeper than just these

labels

i needed to connect the dots

so i took to heart

and i just got busy and continued to

learn and what i found was that these

adverse childhood experiences

had caused developmental delays in jc

and it drastically changed his behavior

he went

from this gentle giant kindergarten who

told his classmates

be kind

stay in line to a big boy who hit and

punched and cursed me out

he called me the b word more times than

i can even count

it sounds grim

but i just kept

hoping

that i could remain in his life as this

loving advocate

and then i had to look

at the impact of all this on me

see i compartmentalized my life with the

birth parents

from the people who loved me

i didn’t want to hear lectures about how

bad things were i knew i was acting out

of fear

i was scared for his life and for losing

him

i lived my life in hyper vigilance mode

for so long that even when the threat

was gone

i was on edge

i was humiliated

i was a victim of domestic violence at

the hands of his birth mother

i couldn’t say this back then

not even in my mind

but i’ll say it and share it with you

today out loud

i was a doormat with the birth parents

i can’t believe it’s been a decade since

jc came into my life

together we’ve grown

we’ve both had intense trauma-informed

therapy

jc has increased coordination

he has coping skills

that help him better handle his triggers

he plays football

he loves sports

his personality is sweet

he is kind and i’m not just saying that

because he’s mine

most importantly he feels safe

and we have a village of support

i still deal with anxiety and depression

but through

therapy

through

prayer

self-care

and through sharing

our journey with you like i’m sharing

right now

i feel so much better

i’ve been reinvented

not by design

but by my life’s journey

through the pain

i found purpose

in speaking up

i found power

in advocacy

we may not be able to totally erase

the effects that trauma have on

ourselves or our children

but we can learn from it

we can be that loving advocate that

helps a child go from merely surviving

to thriving

we can share our experiences

real life experiences

we go through things

saying them out loud and normalizing the

conversation around taboo topics like

mental health and trauma can open the

door to healing

it can help us and others

i went from

not understanding trauma

to living it

i took the knowledge of being trauma

informed and applied it

and that brought us together forever

jc and me

prayer with works

we are together forever as mother and

son

and for that

i am grateful

thank you

[Applause]