How bleeding on the paper Changed My Life

how many of you watching right now

aspire to be a writer or an author well

i did not

but where am i one now i used to look at

my instagram

feed used to see how people praise on

individuals poetry

forget it i was even able to write

anything quote unquote deep

apart from the writing section in my

english exams

you see i’m an emotional man and super

observant too

i used to look at everything and related

to my life

how a water droplet seems heavy on the

leaf how people react in minor

conditions

and absolutely everything i get attached

to my surroundings real quick too

be it the pictures the places i visited

with my loved ones

conversations at night with my friends i

as they say

like to be called a savior for everybody

i just wanted to wipe the tears of

misery even if it didn’t ask me how i

was

i had a friend who i was close with but

something inside me said

to wait pause and see if you are the one

giving it

all i knew that because after

conversations

i became tired my army always had my

back

she was disciplined talented and a

teacher too

though she was in the girls section but

she taught me how crucial

self-discipline is however

you know people don’t take friendship

breakup seriously

completely and absurd topic for people

and for people who are not aware what

friendship breakups are

it generally means when you decide to

drift away from a friend

due to various reasons or the other

friend decides to not continue it

anymore

i wanted to talk to somebody about this

because it was new

and hurtful i didn’t know what to do

so i took my phone out and wrote my

first ever writing in 2014

that went something like this we often

get heard by people

who don’t even deserve our respect in

the first place

but then i didn’t post it all these

writers out there

and i come up with a quote i didn’t

write much after that

cut short i had physics chemistry

and math in my 11th and 12th grade

and yes you may have guessed it right i

didn’t like it

poetry philosophy and psychology excited

me

and not differentiation organic

chemistry or electrostatics

i remember i had this huge fight with my

family because i just

didn’t like where my life was heading

remember the part i mentioned that i’m

attached to everything

but when the detachment happened i wrote

few lines

went in frustration to worship the

almighty

and put my head on my army’s lap to rest

but this all happened till my 12th grade

29 september 2017 i lost my army due to

pneumonia

it was deleterious to my physical and

emotional health

to a point i felt no hunger perhaps i

started to starve myself

and take all the blame on my head i have

a counselor

who was my teacher and now is my friend

in the present mrs farah mam who told me

something i can still

never can get it out of my head farhad

you cannot fight the world with an empty

stomach

she frequently counseled me throughout

encouraged me to eat

to pray and give profound advices

she is an inspiration to me it is

because of her i want to be an english

professor

and like her impact on students lives

positively

it was months after ami’s death i

remember writing my first ever poem

in the back of my chemistry book i could

see tear drops more

on the paper than my ink i later

published it in my first book colors

under the title amijan i cried hours in

prostration

making my relationship with the almighty

stronger with whatever problems i had in

my life

i did not have the luxury to go back to

my mother

so i wrote i had to grow on my own and

natural progress

and growth takes a lot of time but it’s

worth it

think of a plant flourishing in the

wildest of forests

raw and aesthetic so i kept on sailing

through the waves

by being the captain of my own ship with

islam as my guidance

i remember just before my college days i

had a friend who i was close with

decided to give up on me and i couldn’t

take losses anymore

i did everything i could sitting behind

the screen said sorry to a point i had

to beg

all the time of friendship just ended

with texts

i had never put myself so low for

somebody’s call

and other person not caring and acting

pathetic

was my first step in moving on with all

this happening

i received a call in the middle of

nowhere saying my dad had a heart attack

but with god’s grace he was saved let’s

not even talk about the issues faced by

the nri people

change in weather water food people

comfort and family i couldn’t take it

anymore

fake smiles during my initial days of

college while my world was staring apart

there was a shaving blade in front of me

i was blank and teary

and the next thing i knew that i was so

close to cut

myself i had to do something about it

i started to vent my pain on the paper

without realizing

i was touching the parts of my soul i

didn’t know were there

or were very deep like a man dipping

into the sea

unaware of its magnificence and depth

so much to discover so much to learn

all this pain had an immense effect on

my writing

and my personality as a whole i started

to write about more peculiar subjects

i converted every pain to rhythms scars

to syllables

destruction to poetry and people to

topics

i published my first ever poetry book

colors and a year after

midnight use which is now amazon’s

number one best-selling poetry book

but what exactly am i trying to tell you

with my story

that it was the hurt which made me right

had i not gone through all of that

perhaps i wouldn’t be here

speaking on this platform i sure was the

captain of my own ship

sailing through the storms not knowing i

would be a lighthouse for

all the captains who are lost you can

write too

start and take all that pain and

suffering touch it and let it bleed on

the paper

you don’t have to show it you don’t have

to publish it

but when you do show it to your close

ones

and even if one is able to relate to it

know that there are

millions out there to feel the same way

and once you know it

hold on tight improve on your language

and practice to a point

where you conclude your speech by saying

thank you

for coming to my tedx talk

you