Breaking the Mold on Traditional Parenting

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i can confidently say

everyone here today

growing up at one point or another have

disappointed their parents

maybe it was something as trivial as

getting a c on your report card and for

not meeting their expectations of the

perfect a student

we held on to that guilt

our faculty settings have been installed

growing up and we are programmed to do

our duties

to perform well and well

to be obedient

all these settings become a significant

part of the mold that shapes us into who

we become today

based on what the parentals believed as

social parameters

and get this

parents create an image of what an ideal

child looks like

and even before the child is born

then that parent becomes a parent and

start to think

my parents raised me this way and i

turned out okay

this must be the best form of parenting

style

right

have we have ever as parents stop to

think if these shortcomings and limiting

beliefs hold our children back from

their full potential

and

well

the question still stands true

are we truly equipped to raise our

children in the way we have been raised

maybe not

and here’s why

i will be using my asian roots as a good

representation

i come from a well-respected taiwanese

family

my parents traditional asian view could

be seen in the way chores were divided

in our homes

at home the chores were divided and

molded to the gender binary

my brother would mow the lawn and

i would wash the dishes

the duty for the males in the family

which is considered the harder work was

always different from the duties of the

females which is considered the easier

work

my parents also had a very

intergenerational view of parenting

by definition good kid and bad kid were

very black and white

growing up

i was a good kid

i was obedient

i had high scores

and this brought pride to the family

my daily roster was tightly regulated

and i used the word roster because it

honestly felt that way

i had piano lessons

math lessons english tutoring figure

skating and more

i felt like an automated doll being

controlled by a remote at all times

my brain produced good results

not because it was smart but because it

was programmed to do so and this made me

feel ironically dense

all these activities were designed to

make us smarter to perform better

because in the end we are valued by our

achievements and love and recognition

are dependent on how well we perform and

how much pride we bring to the family

and it’s no shocker

that

this

leads to lower self-worth

dissatisfaction

and a pursuit of more more

when i turned 12

my parents decided i was old enough to

make decisions

for the first time

as a start i was given the option of

choosing what i wanted from my

extracurricular courses in their

disbelief i dropped everything

the piano practice the math lessons the

english tutoring

everything

we must understand

programming and controlling a child for

so long

then one day letting go of that dial can

be jarring

and often even the child does not grasp

that implication

i now finally had the luxury of freedom

though i quickly slipped and went from

the good kid

to the bad kid

as my parents started losing authority

they became more authoritarian

the more pressure my parents put on

the more i resisted

things took a steep bend when i got into

high school i got mixed up with the

wrong crowd

i skipped school

i drank at an early age and i snuck out

thinking it was

cool

according to a doctor gabor mate

a hungarian canadian physician

authoritarian parents come at the

expense of an absent nurturing adult

and as a result

the child will fill that void in their

peer group

now that kid becomes far more attached

to this wrong crowd

than what is actually healthy for them

their peers become their mentors and

their templates of how to be how to walk

and how to talk

as i got older

it only got worse

i failed a lot of courses in university

and

almost got kicked out

and instead of holding myself

accountable

i played the blame game

i blamed everyone and everything except

for the true culprit

nevertheless i eventually graduated to

gain recognition from my parents

and fulfill their need for external

validation from others and society

however

internally

i had hit

rock bottom

a traditional asian parents selflessness

when it comes to their children

cannot be matched

they unselfishly give everything within

their means to their children

providing them with the best knowledge

best experiences best things they can

afford

striving to ensure that their children

get the opportunity to leave the lives

they themselves could not have dreamt of

and that is in fact

how they show their love

this situation is made even worse by the

intergenerational culture of silence

within asian families

what that means is there is a lack of

open and honest communication between

parents and children and sadly these

children grow up

not being able to openly discuss their

feelings with their parents

this then in fact teaches the child

self-suppression instead of

self-regulation which is crucial later

in life as a need to learn how to cope

and manage stress

while self-sacrificing and in their

generosity they don’t realize that their

expectation of more an expectation of

external validation

molds the child into what they want to

see

but not who the child truly is

the children become like a boss

they’re stunning

but they’re incapable of any utility

the beautiful designs arm the child with

what they see as necessary to survive

and thrive in the world

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smile

have manners

be liked

but never let others see your weakness

these children become followers who

avoid risks who are 100 dependent on the

validation of others

and

i can say that with authority because

that was once me

insecure

incapable of self-expression and a

stranger to

myself

a string of difficulties

challenges and events which can be

likened to a little snowball

rolling down a hill

increasing in size and gaining momentum

it eventually got to a point where my

anxiety was at an all-time high

i was depressed

and even more of a stranger to myself

than ever

i realized that i could not recognize

myself

because my mold was the opposite of my

true self

i am curious

creative

and i thrived by living outside the box

but i was molded not to take risks i

never strayed outside my comfort zone

i am open-minded

opinionated but i couldn’t find a way of

self-expression

stephen covey talked about the seven

habits of highly effective people where

he asked that

the readers and i am paraphrasing

step out of their body and look at

themselves and try to understand their

emotions

at that moment i could not even

recognize the person i was looking at

much less

know her emotions

i realized that

i had to change

i had to take charge of my life

and i had to take responsibility for

myself

truly

so i stopped avoiding the emptiness and

i started gathering up the pieces

instead of looking at the stranger i was

i decided to understand her

so i could lead her on the correct path

i became obsessed with dissecting my

early childhood and lad made me realize

some truth

my parents did the best they could

based on their knowledge and resources

i was a loved and lucky child given the

circumstances

they were just programmed to the

intergenerational style of parenting

and i was determined to be different

the more i dissected my childhood the

more i realized that i had to take

responsibility for myself and my mold

shaping and sculpting the broken bars

into a true mold

and not just the shatter pieces but all

the other bits i picked up along the way

the journey of identifying myself was a

liberius one and the most impactful

journey of my life

and through it i became a proponent of

early childhood education

according to dr gabor mate he said

we may not be responsible for the world

that had created our minds

but we can take responsibility for the

mind in which we create our world

we all want our children to be happy and

i am confident this is valid now

as it has been since the beginning of

life

by fitting your child into a mold that

you cast based on your experiences

never has and will never be the answer

parents naturally want to keep their

child on a four-wheel bicycle never

taking off their training wheels to keep

them safe

and as a mother to a beautiful baby girl

i can relate also

but i can also see she can only indeed

be happy if i give her the space to be

herself

to be a dependent to have an identity

and to fulfill her

full potential

the greatest gift i can give her

is the confidence to choose her own

happiness

there are a few things we need to

understand and always keep as default in

our minds

one

stop intergenerational parenting

children’s are beings with agency

autonomy and abilities

they will find their way of independence

and self-expression to navigate in their

own generation

two

too many adults demand respect from kids

without showing respect in return

parenting and respect is in a one-way

instructional lesson or speaking over

our children we learn about our children

as they learn from us

it is a constant observation

listening and tuning into their needs

and three

parenting isn’t about fitting them into

a mold it’s about helping them create

and find their mold

allowing them to break and remold it as

many times as they like

in summary

there isn’t a black

and white version of good kid

or bad kid by definition

and frankly i hope you throw it out of

your dictionary all together

it can be likened to the spotlight

effect where we think everyone has their

attention on us and what we do

while in reality everybody is focused

on their own lives

every kid is unique and perfect in their

own special way

and as an advocate

i combine my early childhood education

personal breakthroughs and what i

continue to learn as a parent

to hopefully encourage parents

educators and mentors sitting here today

to provide a nurturing and supportive

environment for all

children

an environment that allows them to

blossom into their beautiful and

independent true self

let’s help our future sculpt themselves

into the unique and authentic creation

that they can be

to ensure we finally fulfill our

greatest desire

and that is to truly raise happier

children

for the next generation

thank you

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you