Shattering the silence and shame of Child sexual abuse

i was sexually and emotionally abused

from infancy to age 18.

i can finally say those words out loud

my father raped me

words i couldn’t say for the 7433 days i

was silent

i was just a child i had no idea what

was happening to me was wrong

my father would say things like this

happens in all families

or what happens in the home stays in the

home he used fear to control me

i kept his secret and remain silent the

truth is

one in three children do not disclose

their abuse until they’re an adult

yep that’s me i’m a statistic

seven hundred thousand children are

impacted every year

seven hundred thousand and ninety

percent of those children know their

abuser

like me this is so hard for people to

understand

especially when you’re accusing a public

figure or a community member

or someone in a prominent occupation

like a coach

or a mentor or a teacher or a military

officer like my father nine and ten kids

this is not stranger danger my childhood

was one monotonous day on repeat kind of

like the movie groundhog day

i’d get up go to school have sports or

scouts and then abuse

every day i saw my shadow and i was

sentenced to another six weeks of winter

my world was colorless

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i discovered small ways to find my voice

like hiding my secret in a song i had

one of those press and play tape

recorders

and i would play a song hit pause and

then record

softly through the microphone that my

father was molesting me

then i would quickly erase it i would

also write it in a journal

or a notebook and i would tear the pages

out and rip them up

into unrecognizable pieces i so badly

wanted to get my voice out

i longed to be loud but i just couldn’t

if you’re a victim of sexual abuse you

feel muzzled or unable to tell your

truth

start small it could be a voice

recording on your cell phone

a written confession to your best friend

or a letter you burn in the fireplace

abuse and shame thrive in silence

the cycle of abuse cannot be broken

until you take the first step

not only for yourself but also for those

who don’t have a voice my father would

keep me silent by threatening me every

day

he would say things like don’t tell

anyone or you will never

see your mother and brother again this

was my father

he was supposed to be the one who loved

and cared for me

he’d be my best friend one day and

sexually abused me the next

i had my first slumber party when i was

my best friend becca called me up

and said

hey when you guys pick me up please

don’t have your father come alone

because he reminds me of a rapist rapist

we both laughed it off i get it okay

but this this was the exact moment

i realized someone else knew finally

there was a word for what had been

happening to me

he was a rapist as i got older and

continued to learn what was happening to

me was wrong

i was afraid to speak up i desperately

wanted to be loud

but i had to find the courage the first

time i tried to tell someone i was at

bible study

ironically the topic was a parent’s love

for their children

with my heart racing and a lump in my

throat i

raised my hand and blurted out my father

has a different kind of love for me

oh my god i said it out loud

my stomach was flipping and the youth

leader says in front of

everyone penny all fathers have a

special love for their daughters

especially their firstborn and that was

it was completely glossed over i felt

minimized and alone

and if the youth leader said that all

fathers are this way

it must be normal must be the way it is

right but i knew deep down it wasn’t

and i realized in that moment that even

though she didn’t believe me i had to

keep pushing

my longing to be loud needed to be a

reality

i had to learn to love myself i matter

you matter

and your voice matters what has happened

to you is not your fault

loving yourself also means owning your

truth

when i was finally able to own my truth

the power was taken away from what

happened to me

i was finally able to show up for myself

if you’re in a situation like i was

and your abuser’s within your own family

search for someone you trust

it can be a mentor a friend a teacher a

coach

once you find someone to trust let your

words come pouring out

unleash your voice above all else be

daring

this can be the most difficult part

i saw my father violently push my mother

to the ground when i was 17.

when i saw her laying there helpless and

terrified

it stirred an anger inside of me i had

never experienced

all those years of abuse i had endured

was for a lie

i thought i was protecting my mother and

my brother

but clearly i was wrong i ran over to

him

and screamed in his face at the top of

my lungs never

touch my mother again standing up for my

mother finally gave me permission to say

i was able to tell my father never to

touch me again

i was no longer the child that he could

manipulate and control

three years later he finally paid the

price with an exceptional sentence

of 17 years because i spoke out loud

i dared to speak out i said to the judge

your honor have no mercy on him because

he has had no mercy on us

unfortunately it took me another 20

years

and my mother dying of cancer for me to

fully unleash my voice

shame and silence had a debilitating

hold on me i wanted to spare my mother

from the horrific details

i did not want to see her hurt

if you don’t deal with your demons your

demons are going to deal with you

and it’s going to hurt it’s one of my

favorite quotes by nikki six of motley

crew

but it’s true it hurts it’ll keep you

from speaking out

but you must decide your turning point

and speak out and keep speaking out for

those who mind don’t matter

and those who matter don’t mind they

will still love you

when i finally had owned what had

happened to me i felt empowered to fight

for federal legislation

for victims of sexual abuse have not

been able to find their voice

this was one of my most proudest

accomplishments

when i ultimately faced my fears i was

able to shout to the world without shame

my biological father had raped and

abused me

what i’m asking for you today is to join

stand up and be loud love yourself

own your abuse unleash your voice and

dare to speak out loud

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you