Silence of trauma and addiction confession of a child soldier

[Music]

[Applause]

it’s not the trauma

that destroys us is the silence

how does a 14 year old boy

end up in a battlefield

walking through

front of the line knowing

his next steps will be his last

in 1980 saddam hussein

attacked iran i was 14 years old child

soldier

on a suicide mission to dismantle land

mine

it’s in middle of uh it’s in middle of

frightening night on a battlefield

the noise is deafening

i can hear bullet whistling past my ears

i can smell the gunpowder and chemical

weapon

pouring from the sky

one of my friend beside me

steps on a landmine

and blows up

the impact of that explosion throws me

few meters away

for a moment everything is silenced

i can’t breathe i’m terrified

i can’t go back and say i’m sorry i

changed my mind i’m just a kid

and i can’t go through with my mission

what should i do now what would you do

i picked up my ak-47 i put it in my left

arm

and i shut myself

to save my life again i was 14 years old

the impact of that explosion

it was very traumatic

i had three major surgeries

and 93 stitches

after a few months my physical wound

healed

but i had no idea the impact of

psychological effect that would have on

me

for years to come

you see my mother was 11 years old when

she married

my father who was 32.

she had me when she was 13.

i was separated from her when i was 6

months old

by the time i was 9 years old i was

sexually assaulted beaten

psychologically abused

at the age of 14 i was a war veteran and

at 15

i forced into marriage

i could according to time magazine

backed by american psychological

association up to

60 of all ptsd victims

end up developing chemical dependency

my drinking got so bad that

i got caught by iranian authority in

syria damesh

alcohol was against islam and against a

new regime

i was scared i ran

i escaped from iran to istanbul from

istanbul

i went to east germany from east germany

i jumped into the midnight train and i

went to west germany i became refugee in

a refugee camp

for two and a half years

while i was in germany i of course drink

and drug

and to kill the pain

for the first time i experienced racism

at this time i’m emotionally fragile

people would come to me and say what are

you doing in my country

go back

at this time i feel like i’m not white

enough i’m not black enough i’m not good

enough so i better kill myself so i

tried i end up in hospital

you know in alcohol in

addiction and trauma coaching we talk

about geographical change

the idea that we change we can uh

you know we can change our location and

we can change and escape the way we feel

by changing our location

my world worldwide tour of refugee camp

end up in canada in 1988

but i really wanted to to live a better

life but i didn’t know

i was looking for a solution but i

didn’t know what was the problem

and there’s so many of us that

we have no idea the impact of trauma and

addiction that has on us

i’ve been to 17 treatment center 29

detoxes

psycho homelessness and

finally my last treatment center i’m in

this hotel room motel room with

cockroaches and

mouse and i my life is is almost

it’s finished and i couldn’t handle it

anymore i just missed my son’s wedding

and i just fell down to my knees

and i said i don’t know who you are and

i said

i don’t know what you called yourself

god jesus

allah buddha either kill me

or save me

the next day a couple of my friend they

came pick me up

that was my last treatment center and

my mission since then it’s been

to recover and help other people as a

result of that

for five years every week trauma group

counseling twelfth

step program uh exercise meditation

anything that it could help me

i’ve been speaking i spoke to over

thousands of people

listen to thousands of people to their

story

who would have known all the pain and

suffering that i went through when they

become an asset that it can help someone

else

as a result of that i was encouraged to

write a book about my life

which i did and that’s by itself was

very therapeutic

like there was a time that i was riding

and riding and i cried and i cried and i

ride

and it was a huge healing

you know

my topic being not being silenced

in our history shown the things that

people raise up and spoke you know and

spoke to truth and

not give up like rosa parks

refuse to change to get up and go

back of the bus that action changed the

whole

history of our human being here

what’s your change what’s your

silence that you’re keeping you know

i learned few things through my

experience of healing

the biggest things biggest one was and

is vulnerability

we cannot change we cannot grow without

being vulnerable

as a result of being vulnerable i find

connection

and true connection we can find love

compassion and true compassion and love

we can remove to change and any

challenges

emotional challenges we experience in

life

so i encourage you to have a compassion

conversation about trauma and addiction

do not fear the dark

that’s where the light lives

thank you

[Music]

you