Untapped conversations with kids

[Music]

i welcome you all

to tedx aston university 2021

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[Applause]

imagine a world where we encourage

children to have a healthy understanding

of and relationship with their own

bodies

rather than treat them like taboos

imagine a world where we taught our

children to exercise empathy to value

not only their emotions but the feelings

perspectives realities and needs of

others

imagine a world where we taught our

children to create boundaries respect

other people’s boundaries and exercise

their right to say no without guilt or

fear

i keep thinking if we taught our

children these things at an earlier age

how different would this world be how

they view themselves their roles in

society and how they treat others

in 1993 i’m about to start high school

and my beloved grandmother hands me a

small pink pouch and she says carol

you’re a big girl now

now listen

you might have an accident while at

school but don’t worry about it use this

it will help you

now despite being a straight a student

student of the year head girl and

everything in between

i had no idea what this accident would

nor did i understand how personal items

packed in a pink pouch would save me and

my grandmother didn’t explain

you see i was taught to be a great

straight a student but loving

understanding and celebrating my body

that was never discussed socially or

culturally

and as i transitioned from high school

to university i would find myself in

cuba in a dorm with students from over

40 different

nationalities

and i thought i got along with everyone

except for when i was confronted with

the question so terry carrell if one of

your closest friends came out of the

closet to you

would you accept them

at that time my answer was an emphatic

no are you crazy

because you see i was taught to respect

people regardless of their color creed

race religion abilities even

socioeconomic status but sexual

orientation oh no that was a taboo topic

that was never discussed socially or

culturally

and as i transitioned from university to

the working space i recall awkward

encounters where male colleagues would

wrap their arms around the small of my

back and i would freeze uncomfortable

not knowing what to say or what to do

and afraid to offend them

you see i was taught to be opinionated

and outspoken about many other issues

but when it came to establishing clear

boundaries saying no unapologetically or

saying you are making me uncomfortable

oh no

that was never discussed

socially or culturally

fast forward to decades later i am the

mom of a daughter who i am raising in

jamaica in the caribbean for the world

her name is naimo courtney reed she’s

nine years old and of course she’s

somewhere here in the audience

i realized something i have a choice we

as parents non-parents we have a choice

we can either perpetuate the same cycles

that can potentially harm generations or

we can choose to have healthy holistic

conversations that serve as valuable

insight to empower our children so the

question is

how do we as parents as adults share

self-awareness empathy and autonomy with

our children in such a way that it helps

them to realize their fullest potential

and what does that mean for current and

future generations

for me personally tapping into the

fullest potential of my daughter means

strengthening areas outside of her

academic output her ability to learn a

hard skill or even going to the best

schools

i have to challenge some of my own

social and cultural upbringing to

fortify her self-awareness her ability

to self-lead and to expand her view of

people beyond borders

let’s talk about self-awareness in

particular period talk

culturally there are still societies and

mind included to a certain extent

that subscribes to the notion that

children should be seen but not heard

that they have no business asking

certain questions much less dignified

with certain answers

so we avoid hard but important

conversations conversations that lead to

teachable moments

in a 2018 uk study about period

education cultural taboos and girls

feelings about their bodies and their

periods it was revealed that the stigma

and shame around menstruation affects

many areas across a girl’s life

from mental health to self-esteem to

body image to the very shaping of their

behavior

participants in that study use words

like ashamed and embarrassed to describe

themselves their bodies and their

periods

sounds familiar

i did not want to pass on the cycle of

shame to my daughter so this is us take

a look

so i wanted to ask you why tampons

are called that way

shouldn’t be called

first of all

that’s a very good question

because technically yeah they really

don’t know

that

you seem to know a lot about um

sanitary feminine feminine products do

you use these feminine products

no mommy you use them okay and what do

you what do you know about them what do

you know about tampons versus sanitary

napkins well the napkins

they don’t go in

okay where do they go on you

they go on me so like i if i take off

the adhesive i can just stick it to our

shoulder

well you can but that’s not where it’s

supposed to be that’s not working so

where is it supposed to go okay panty

okay so it’s on the seat of your panties

okay

do they come in different shapes and

sizes

they do but

in this in the packets

they’re all the same sizes but some in

other packets they can be big they can

and some like

why do you think some are big and

somewhere smaller because some people

are bigger

oh so you think it’s because of the size

of the person yeah or is it because of

their flow like

tampine versus tampon why didn’t i think

of that

so how do we accomplish this level of

dialogue i started having these kinds of

conversations with naimo since she was

three years old i created safe spaces

from the bathroom to the car she gets to

ask me any and everything with the

promise that i will be open and honest

regardless of how weird the topic might

i smile to welcome her curiosity and i

say things like good question to

encourage her to ask even more questions

and when i respond i communicate with

context and i use tone and body language

that signals to her that this

is what a normal healthy conversation

looks like

no judgment

no shame and for some year this might

just be period talk but i have seen how

these conversations have helped to shape

her body positive attitude her boldness

to ask questions about her body and now

the more she understands herself from

the inside out is the more she accepts

herself as a masterpiece not to be

diminished in any way and that

self-confidence is evident in other

areas of her life so imagine if we were

able to harness and nurture this type of

self-confidence and self-awareness in

our boys and our girls at younger ages

what this world could look like who they

could

become now guess which skill has been

identified as the number one skill of

the future the must-have skill of the

future according to google’s chief

innovation evangelist dr frederick fert

this skill has been googled half a

million times in the last six months in

the usa and the uk combined

it’s not creativity it’s not even

critical thinking can you guess what

skill that is

it’s empathy

and it’s on the tongue of educators and

scientists and teachers and everyone why

because of its power to transcend and

transform but what does that even mean

for children it isn’t enough for me to

tell neymar to be empathetic i we have

to teach her and show her through

language and action

language shapes how we view and

sometimes treat people and in turn

shapes their lived experiences

while growing up in jamaica and albino

or albino was called a dundus which

later on i learned meant freak someone

not up to the mark of normality

citizens with disabilities were

collectively called and members

of the hearing impaired and deaf

community were labeled as dumb

in fact anyone with a perceived

difference was usually described with

negative language

but we didn’t see it as negative we

didn’t see it as harmful it was normal

but imagine how they must have felt

you see i had to unlearn that kind of

language and make a conscious effort to

identify to address persons with respect

and dignity regardless of their

differences

and it is this mindfulness through

action that i actively teach my daughter

well let’s be real

teaching her empathetic language is just

the tip of the iceberg

i no need to put it into practice

so i intentionally create these

opportunities where she gets to interact

with different types of communities

especially underrepresented ones and for

her learning empathy could be as simple

as ordering a cup of chai latte

she orders it from her favorite coffee

house where she actively interacts with

deaf baristas

now the deaf can coffee baristas make

the best coffee in the entire world it’s

not up for debate

and to order you have to point at the

write it down or you can practice or

attempt

to sign

well we practice our greetings

and we order our chai latte cold or hot

and we try to learn something new every

single time we go back

they get a kick out of seeing each other

and naimano understands the importance

of body language and eye contact when it

comes to this particular community she

respects their craft and she respects

their form of communication to the point

where she has now requested that we

patronize supermarkets that hire deaf

employees

so now she asks questions like where is

the rest of the community why don’t i

see them in more places and mom why is

it that children in wheelchairs are not

attending my school

she’s now raising the question of

inclusion

this goes to show that we can teach our

children how to make other people feel

valued and to feel seen

we can teach our children how to adjust

to accommodate and facilitate other

people whose needs are different from

ours

it’s prudi gorjakon who is a

psychoanalyst and psychiatrist who

believes in this affirmation or she

affirms that if we are supposed to have

a new generation of inspiring and

transformative leaders then we must

teach them empathy

and finally

autonomy of all my teachable moments in

life this one goes against everything

that i have learned

one day i was in the car with naima and

her friend and her friend says to her

let me your doll to which naima said i’m

using her but i’ll i’ll give it to you

afterwards

naima you have to share you must share

auntie terry tell naima to share

i looked at her and i said well actually

she doesn’t

what

her eyes her mouth popped open

but auntie terry sharing is

caring

i said yeah but let me ask you a couple

of questions does neymar readily share

her dolls with you yeah and out of ten

how many times does naima share her

dolls with you

eight to nine so do you think it’s fair

that she is within her right to choose

not to share her doll at this moment in

time

yeah

she gave me a shaky yes i knew she was

not convinced

so in my attempt to not look like

maleficent i said listen of course

sharing is caring and of course we make

people feel good when we share with them

however

sharing and giving off oneself is not an

automatic entitlement neither is it

mandatory it is a choice that we

exercise with discretion even amongst

fears

we all reserve the right to say no and

to use self-determination without guilt

so i told her that naimah has that right

to say no and as her friend she should

respect that

you see i have taught my daughter that

having to say no or saying no is a

fundamental right and it sits in the

center of creating boundaries consent

and extends to self-care which becomes

more important as we grow as adults

inversely i have taught naima that

consent goes both ways she’s to

understand from early that she won’t

always get what she wants when she wants

it even from her friends and will it

hurt a little and that’s okay

but don’t take it personally because

there no deserves the same amount of

respect as yours

and no saying no doesn’t mean that

you’re a bad person neither does it mean

that you are diminished in any way

boundaries don’t mean that you care or

love less

and a person with character will respect

them

and you know what that applies across

the board from toys to food to time to

your very body

parenting expert avery mccready said it

best that when you allow children to

share in their time it teaches them

three terrific life skills number one it

teaches them assertiveness to create

boundaries

number two it creates true generosity

because now they share because they want

to share not because they are told to

and number three it teaches the other

child the other person who is weighting

the importance of impulse control

now listen i want naima to be smart and

intellectual but it is more important to

me that she is empathetic and confident

that she’s socially conscious aware of

differences but cognizant of

commonalities respectful of people’s

choices and willing to take

responsibility for her actions and no i

don’t think she’s too young in fact i

think the younger the better

i am proud of her ability to reason and

her willingness to love but her

development and worldview hers and those

of children rely largely on us the

conversations we have with them and the

examples that we set

are the anchors we

are the points of references the parents

the uncles the aunts the cousins the

friends the co-workers the neighbors

ultimately we must lead by example

and yes it takes time to unlearn the

conscious and unconscious biases that we

carry

and yes it requires that we think speak

and act with intention so that children

can model the kind of behavior that will

positively impact their lives and those

around them now and in the future

a confident child who is comfortable in

self and thoughtful respectful of others

is a powerful leader

employer co-worker

partner

fellow human in the making

that’s potential we don’t want to leave

untapped thank you so very much

[Applause]

thank you so very much