Adapting to Your Own Authenticity
[Music]
hello everyone
my name is hamaria and i have a
confession
it was just like a few years ago that i
learned that some people really struggle
with authenticity
i know it sounds strange because it’s
everywhere
but it wasn’t until i was researching
for my dissertation
topic that i realized that there were
lots of articles about authenticity
but there was one in particular about
women and their clothes
and how authentic they were or they
weren’t depending on what they were
i thought wait isn’t everyone authentic
it was shocking to me i guess it’s
because the way that i grew up was a
little bit different than most
when describing me my mother would say
that i was
a brown punky booster if you grew up in
the 80s
um that would be blossom if you grew up
in the 90s or a
powerpuff girl if you grew up in the
2000s
see i was that helpful person my mother
used to say i was quirky um she said i
beat to my own drum
and that i had a big personality and
that i had some super powers
you see picture it sicily 1942.
no i’m just kidding i’ve always really
wanted to say that in a presentation
it was really more like chicago
small town right outside during the
1980s when i grew up
i was about three or four years old and
i remember that my father and i had a
daily routine
he would get me up in the morning he
would get me dressed he would get me
ready for school
and he would take me to the front porch
i’d walk down the stairs and then i’d
walk over to the bus as he looked
outside of the window
to make sure that i was safe we did this
day in and day out
as i was going to school and it was one
time my mom she was home i think she was
sick with the cold
and she got me up in the morning and we
went through pretty much the same
routine
except for one little thing when it came
for me to go out the front door and walk
down the stairs and go over to the bus
she took my hand and i told her wait
i could do it by myself that was the
very first memory that i
ever had about being i guess true to
myself or authentic
it was during my mom’s final days of
life and she remembered that story and
we
laughed and laughed and laughed because
i remember telling her that too
thinking to myself as a three-year-old
maybe four
telling my mom i can do something by
myself
she shared with me she was a little
worried about how i would
end up but my father was an advocate
and said that as i was growing up they
should be
a gardener to my garden and my mother
she said it took her a little while but
she decided to go ahead and to accept
his recommendation you see both of my
parents
they grew up farming my father was a
sharecropper
and my mother she was the daughter of a
black man
that in the 1940s owned his land in the
deep south
now that is a pretty big deal well
i’ve heard so many stories about
farming it’s pretty much endless from
both of my parents
and how their own experiences with
farming
farmland was back when they grew up
now it wasn’t how they grew up that
really was the story that really got me
it was the story that my mother told me
about how she took my father’s advice
and kept
thinking about how she was a gardener
and her garden was called hamaria
she further explained that as i grew up
she had to work to become familiar with
my garden
then she had to ask herself what are the
flowers in my daughter’s garden
she had to explore what was in there
were there vegetables were there
hidden treasures she wanted to know what
all was in my garden what flowers that
were in there too
she said that she needed to pay
attention to
what was in my garden and also what was
growing
and if she saw that there were some
weeds there she had to
be mindful of taking them out when she
needed to
she also said that she had to prune the
bushes
rake off the debris so that more things
could be planted and more things could
grow
as she laughed she said sometimes things
grew so
fast in my garden that she had to put a
string around some things
so that it would keep growing properly
she mentioned that watering the garden
was her greatest
pleasure that there were some times when
she saw things weren’t growing the way
that she thought that they needed to
grow
and the only thing that she could do was
to think about
well what would she do if she was on the
farm and you know what her solution was
to throw a little poop on it maybe
you’re thinking
what does this story have anything to do
with
growing up with authenticity with
becoming who you are and growing into
your own authentic person
or maintaining your own authenticity
what is your mama talking about
well thinking back to all of the people
that i interviewed
for my dissertation my topic was
authenticity
this particular story kept ringing in my
ear
it wasn’t until one day i was like oh
i think i get it i think i understand
what she was talking about you see along
the way
my mother taught me how to tend to my
garden
she showed me what i needed to do in
order to be better
to be a greater gardener she taught me a
lot about myself
through watching her as i grew up i
became more aware
of the fact that i now was the gardener
i had to get curious about what was in
my garden i had to get dirty
i had to see what was in there i had to
see once my mom
turned over the garden to me i had to
learn how to tend to it
i had to figure out what i really wanted
to be in my garden
i had to make sure i was fully aware of
what my voice sounded like and what my
talents and my skills and my abilities
and my gifts
the way that i was going to express
myself the way that i was going to allow
others to be in my space or be in my
garden
i had to get in there and explore and i
also found some weeds in my garden
you know those unwanted things that just
pop up out of nowhere
i had to learn how to identify the weeds
in my garden also known as
undesirable characteristics those
negative things that we all have in our
lives
they’re not producing they’re void
they’re empty
i learned that if i saw a weed you know
what i did
i had to get in there and i had to yank
it out i had to understand that that
wasn’t what i wanted to be that wasn’t
what i wanted to have
inside of me i also had to learn i
needed to prune some things
there were some things in some areas in
my life that needed to be cut back
it needed to be cut down because other
people had
come to my garden and they had dropped
things in there
they dropped fear and anxiety words
i can’t or you’ll never or you won’t
ever do that
and i thought wait these are not
the flowers that i planted these are not
the stories that i wanted to hear this
was not the version
of myself that i wanted to keep so i
got those sheers and i started to cut
that out i cut down and cut off
anything that i thought was harmful to
me
sometimes that meant removing people
from my life
but when i got around to it i found
weight if i move these people i can
plant something new
out with the old and into something new
you know things can grow real quick in a
garden and oftentimes they can get a
little out of control
the wind and the waves and the
rainstorms they could
come and topple down over anything that
you built because the weight has gotten
a little too heavy
but you have to make sure that things
are tied up properly make sure that
you’re paying attention enough in your
garden
and so when you see that there are areas
that are unsupported
you make sure you start drawing in the
right people drawing friends and
families and mentors and teachers and
people
to make sure that you have the proper
support to keep lifting you up
when watering is so vital to
any person’s garden to make sure that
you’re strong and that you’re healthy
but you also have to be careful who is
watering your garden
because everything that’s wet doesn’t
mean it’s good for you
doesn’t mean that it’s there to help
your garden so you have to double check
the intentions of people that’s coming
to water your garden
you have to be making making sure that
you’re aware of what’s in there
i had to make sure who was coming to my
garden and who was watering it
and also i could never forget my
favorite part
throw a little poop on it we all go
through things in our life
sometimes there are areas that need to
be fertilized
if you need a fresh start throw a little
poop on it if you don’t know really what
you want to do
go throw a little poop on it although it
smells bad it feels
terrible when you have to go through
these things
you want to make sure that you’re
replenishing any areas
that are not growing so basically my
mother taught me
a lesson that i learned during my
research
i learned that authenticity is an ever
evolving process it’s important that you
make sure that you get familiar
with who you are inside what’s inside of
you
what does your garden look like have
people come into your garden and put
things in it
are you proud of your garden are you
a good representation of really who you
are do you put out in the world
who you really want to be remember the
garden
is a part of the process but you get to
choose
what you are and who you are in this
process
are you happy or unhappy are some things
that
not growing are there some things that
are not producing
well you may not have grown up like me
kind of already thinking that people
were authentic
but i have some tips for you remember
that
you are the gardener so get in there
and figure it out figure out what’s in
there
figure out what you are who you are you
may have to rearrange some things
you may be thinking well i don’t like
this in my garden
no problem get in that garden get your
hands dirty
and discover who you really are
figure out what are the ways that you
like to express yourself go
explore that garden because remember the
this exploration process is lifelong
if you find some unwanted weeds in there
those again
undesirable characteristics take them
out
you have the ability to change whatever
is in
your garden remember this is about you
being true to yourself
don’t forget to water because water is
so necessary
there’s some areas that may need more or
less water
there are a lot of things that people
say
that they’re going to do to help or to
assist
just simply make sure that you are
checking the people’s intentions
because if you like something already
that’s in your garden
keep it the way that it is but if you
need to learn something
take a class listen to a podcast go talk
to some new people
figure out what it is that you want to
be and you want to do
and if you need a jump start go take an
assessment
take a personality assessment do
something that you’ve always wanted to
do
and learn a little bit more about what’s
in your garden
learn something that you really wanted
to always learn
because remember it’s your garden
invite people into your garden but make
sure
that while you’re giving them a tour you
have signs posted that says
do not touch because if you
like you just the way that you are
people can come and try to destroy what
you’ve accomplished
and if you don’t want that to happen
make sure you let them know
i like me just the way that i am
experiment a little if you don’t see
something that you already have
in your garden plant it yourself
this is your garden you can plant
whatever you choose and whatever you see
fit now you could do my favorite part
which is throw
a little poop on it which means that
you’ll fertilize your garden
throwing a poop on it doesn’t mean that
it’s gonna be fun
doesn’t mean that it’s like woohoo i’m
so excited but it is a part of the
authenticity process
knowing that every garden has its own
imperfections
is what makes it unique it makes it
smelly too
but it also makes it unique and remember
that fertilizing your garden it
replenishes what’s essential
it makes sure things continue to grow
the way that they need to grow
so after you’ve done the self-discovery
you’ve gotten your hands dirty
you’ve watered you’ve pruned you’ve
gotten in your garden and you figured
out
who you are don’t just stop there
continue to grow and don’t forget to
repeat the process
because in order for us to continue to
be authentic
we got to keep going through the process
because remember
as you learn and grow you learn more
about you
and you learn how to grow with the flow
oh and don’t forget
take some time to admire your garden
because you want to continue to make
sure that this growing process
is really how you really want to be