Adapting to Your Own Authenticity

[Music]

hello everyone

my name is hamaria and i have a

confession

it was just like a few years ago that i

learned that some people really struggle

with authenticity

i know it sounds strange because it’s

everywhere

but it wasn’t until i was researching

for my dissertation

topic that i realized that there were

lots of articles about authenticity

but there was one in particular about

women and their clothes

and how authentic they were or they

weren’t depending on what they were

i thought wait isn’t everyone authentic

it was shocking to me i guess it’s

because the way that i grew up was a

little bit different than most

when describing me my mother would say

that i was

a brown punky booster if you grew up in

the 80s

um that would be blossom if you grew up

in the 90s or a

powerpuff girl if you grew up in the

2000s

see i was that helpful person my mother

used to say i was quirky um she said i

beat to my own drum

and that i had a big personality and

that i had some super powers

you see picture it sicily 1942.

no i’m just kidding i’ve always really

wanted to say that in a presentation

it was really more like chicago

small town right outside during the

1980s when i grew up

i was about three or four years old and

i remember that my father and i had a

daily routine

he would get me up in the morning he

would get me dressed he would get me

ready for school

and he would take me to the front porch

i’d walk down the stairs and then i’d

walk over to the bus as he looked

outside of the window

to make sure that i was safe we did this

day in and day out

as i was going to school and it was one

time my mom she was home i think she was

sick with the cold

and she got me up in the morning and we

went through pretty much the same

routine

except for one little thing when it came

for me to go out the front door and walk

down the stairs and go over to the bus

she took my hand and i told her wait

i could do it by myself that was the

very first memory that i

ever had about being i guess true to

myself or authentic

it was during my mom’s final days of

life and she remembered that story and

we

laughed and laughed and laughed because

i remember telling her that too

thinking to myself as a three-year-old

maybe four

telling my mom i can do something by

myself

she shared with me she was a little

worried about how i would

end up but my father was an advocate

and said that as i was growing up they

should be

a gardener to my garden and my mother

she said it took her a little while but

she decided to go ahead and to accept

his recommendation you see both of my

parents

they grew up farming my father was a

sharecropper

and my mother she was the daughter of a

black man

that in the 1940s owned his land in the

deep south

now that is a pretty big deal well

i’ve heard so many stories about

farming it’s pretty much endless from

both of my parents

and how their own experiences with

farming

farmland was back when they grew up

now it wasn’t how they grew up that

really was the story that really got me

it was the story that my mother told me

about how she took my father’s advice

and kept

thinking about how she was a gardener

and her garden was called hamaria

she further explained that as i grew up

she had to work to become familiar with

my garden

then she had to ask herself what are the

flowers in my daughter’s garden

she had to explore what was in there

were there vegetables were there

hidden treasures she wanted to know what

all was in my garden what flowers that

were in there too

she said that she needed to pay

attention to

what was in my garden and also what was

growing

and if she saw that there were some

weeds there she had to

be mindful of taking them out when she

needed to

she also said that she had to prune the

bushes

rake off the debris so that more things

could be planted and more things could

grow

as she laughed she said sometimes things

grew so

fast in my garden that she had to put a

string around some things

so that it would keep growing properly

she mentioned that watering the garden

was her greatest

pleasure that there were some times when

she saw things weren’t growing the way

that she thought that they needed to

grow

and the only thing that she could do was

to think about

well what would she do if she was on the

farm and you know what her solution was

to throw a little poop on it maybe

you’re thinking

what does this story have anything to do

with

growing up with authenticity with

becoming who you are and growing into

your own authentic person

or maintaining your own authenticity

what is your mama talking about

well thinking back to all of the people

that i interviewed

for my dissertation my topic was

authenticity

this particular story kept ringing in my

ear

it wasn’t until one day i was like oh

i think i get it i think i understand

what she was talking about you see along

the way

my mother taught me how to tend to my

garden

she showed me what i needed to do in

order to be better

to be a greater gardener she taught me a

lot about myself

through watching her as i grew up i

became more aware

of the fact that i now was the gardener

i had to get curious about what was in

my garden i had to get dirty

i had to see what was in there i had to

see once my mom

turned over the garden to me i had to

learn how to tend to it

i had to figure out what i really wanted

to be in my garden

i had to make sure i was fully aware of

what my voice sounded like and what my

talents and my skills and my abilities

and my gifts

the way that i was going to express

myself the way that i was going to allow

others to be in my space or be in my

garden

i had to get in there and explore and i

also found some weeds in my garden

you know those unwanted things that just

pop up out of nowhere

i had to learn how to identify the weeds

in my garden also known as

undesirable characteristics those

negative things that we all have in our

lives

they’re not producing they’re void

they’re empty

i learned that if i saw a weed you know

what i did

i had to get in there and i had to yank

it out i had to understand that that

wasn’t what i wanted to be that wasn’t

what i wanted to have

inside of me i also had to learn i

needed to prune some things

there were some things in some areas in

my life that needed to be cut back

it needed to be cut down because other

people had

come to my garden and they had dropped

things in there

they dropped fear and anxiety words

i can’t or you’ll never or you won’t

ever do that

and i thought wait these are not

the flowers that i planted these are not

the stories that i wanted to hear this

was not the version

of myself that i wanted to keep so i

got those sheers and i started to cut

that out i cut down and cut off

anything that i thought was harmful to

me

sometimes that meant removing people

from my life

but when i got around to it i found

weight if i move these people i can

plant something new

out with the old and into something new

you know things can grow real quick in a

garden and oftentimes they can get a

little out of control

the wind and the waves and the

rainstorms they could

come and topple down over anything that

you built because the weight has gotten

a little too heavy

but you have to make sure that things

are tied up properly make sure that

you’re paying attention enough in your

garden

and so when you see that there are areas

that are unsupported

you make sure you start drawing in the

right people drawing friends and

families and mentors and teachers and

people

to make sure that you have the proper

support to keep lifting you up

when watering is so vital to

any person’s garden to make sure that

you’re strong and that you’re healthy

but you also have to be careful who is

watering your garden

because everything that’s wet doesn’t

mean it’s good for you

doesn’t mean that it’s there to help

your garden so you have to double check

the intentions of people that’s coming

to water your garden

you have to be making making sure that

you’re aware of what’s in there

i had to make sure who was coming to my

garden and who was watering it

and also i could never forget my

favorite part

throw a little poop on it we all go

through things in our life

sometimes there are areas that need to

be fertilized

if you need a fresh start throw a little

poop on it if you don’t know really what

you want to do

go throw a little poop on it although it

smells bad it feels

terrible when you have to go through

these things

you want to make sure that you’re

replenishing any areas

that are not growing so basically my

mother taught me

a lesson that i learned during my

research

i learned that authenticity is an ever

evolving process it’s important that you

make sure that you get familiar

with who you are inside what’s inside of

you

what does your garden look like have

people come into your garden and put

things in it

are you proud of your garden are you

a good representation of really who you

are do you put out in the world

who you really want to be remember the

garden

is a part of the process but you get to

choose

what you are and who you are in this

process

are you happy or unhappy are some things

that

not growing are there some things that

are not producing

well you may not have grown up like me

kind of already thinking that people

were authentic

but i have some tips for you remember

that

you are the gardener so get in there

and figure it out figure out what’s in

there

figure out what you are who you are you

may have to rearrange some things

you may be thinking well i don’t like

this in my garden

no problem get in that garden get your

hands dirty

and discover who you really are

figure out what are the ways that you

like to express yourself go

explore that garden because remember the

this exploration process is lifelong

if you find some unwanted weeds in there

those again

undesirable characteristics take them

out

you have the ability to change whatever

is in

your garden remember this is about you

being true to yourself

don’t forget to water because water is

so necessary

there’s some areas that may need more or

less water

there are a lot of things that people

say

that they’re going to do to help or to

assist

just simply make sure that you are

checking the people’s intentions

because if you like something already

that’s in your garden

keep it the way that it is but if you

need to learn something

take a class listen to a podcast go talk

to some new people

figure out what it is that you want to

be and you want to do

and if you need a jump start go take an

assessment

take a personality assessment do

something that you’ve always wanted to

do

and learn a little bit more about what’s

in your garden

learn something that you really wanted

to always learn

because remember it’s your garden

invite people into your garden but make

sure

that while you’re giving them a tour you

have signs posted that says

do not touch because if you

like you just the way that you are

people can come and try to destroy what

you’ve accomplished

and if you don’t want that to happen

make sure you let them know

i like me just the way that i am

experiment a little if you don’t see

something that you already have

in your garden plant it yourself

this is your garden you can plant

whatever you choose and whatever you see

fit now you could do my favorite part

which is throw

a little poop on it which means that

you’ll fertilize your garden

throwing a poop on it doesn’t mean that

it’s gonna be fun

doesn’t mean that it’s like woohoo i’m

so excited but it is a part of the

authenticity process

knowing that every garden has its own

imperfections

is what makes it unique it makes it

smelly too

but it also makes it unique and remember

that fertilizing your garden it

replenishes what’s essential

it makes sure things continue to grow

the way that they need to grow

so after you’ve done the self-discovery

you’ve gotten your hands dirty

you’ve watered you’ve pruned you’ve

gotten in your garden and you figured

out

who you are don’t just stop there

continue to grow and don’t forget to

repeat the process

because in order for us to continue to

be authentic

we got to keep going through the process

because remember

as you learn and grow you learn more

about you

and you learn how to grow with the flow

oh and don’t forget

take some time to admire your garden

because you want to continue to make

sure that this growing process

is really how you really want to be