The mantra for selfworth.

if i asked you

what is your worth how would you respond

would it be in terms of your what you

consider character strengths

your aspirations your achievements what

if i told you

all of that counts but none of that

really matters

and now if i introduce myself to you as

hi i’m puja afridashani

i’m a young diplomat an inspiring author

an active blogger a daughter and a wife

what do you know from this description

about me

is it not just my sense of identity

vis-a-vis an audience

i want you to hold on to that thought

because i will come back to it

today i want to speak to you about my

journey of discovering self-worth

and what is self-worth here i’m going to

invoke

a dialogue from a hindi film which was

me favorite home

remember this dialogue from job we met

way back in 2007.

i think it is one dialogue of indian

cinema that truly encapsulates a spirit

that we

all must have but many of us often lack

i remember when this movie came out in

2007 my mother one day asked me

puja can you say this line and actually

mean it

i remember spending hours in front of

the mirror trying to you know

emulate it how kareena kapoor had said

it on screen

but i could never convince myself

because deep down inside

i was not my own favorite and i learned

to rationalize it in my head saying that

you know maybe it’s not the right time

and i will grow to start liking myself

she’s older she has experience and

anyone else might

and i will also grow into it what i

realized was that

as we grow up the notion of self-worth

and its importance

is drilled into all of us whether it’s

at school whether it’s by our parents

our

society at large we know that it is

important

but the locus of that is always external

when we talk about performing well

academically or you know

excelling at a hobby there is this

competitive haste where we are seeking

approval

from someone on the outside this was

again when i started thinking about it

back in school i was

oh i had just moved from syria and come

to delhi i had joined a new school i was

adjusting to a new city

and of course i was also at that point

of time being diagnosed with polycystic

ovarian disorder

which was because of my constant

battle with acne so i told myself you

know a young child

at that point of time is your social

acceptance and physical appearances are

paramount

i told myself the date of my face clears

up i’ll be pretty and that is the day

i’m going to feel you know good about

myself and i’ll draw my sense of

self-worth from it

but pcos is a stubborn disorder and you

learn to grow with it

and live with it so as i as time passed

i came into class 12 i realized

maybe it’s not that and i need to do

well in my life

and so what is it that is going to be

meaning to do well

i said i’m going to get into a good

college and that is going to make my

parents proud

and if they are proud i am going to draw

my sense of self-worth from that

a delhi kid i always thought of delhi

university and the dream was

to go into a undergraduate program from

saint stephen’s in economics honours

i i think i got a 95 odd percent

when in class 12. i was quite happy but

i remember my mother

saying on the phone the same day to

someone oh she’s done okay

and i suddenly realized oh so that this

is okay the nautilus this is not good

enough

so there against my plans of any sense

of self-worth out of that achievement

of course my mother later said that she

said it in the context that she knew

with that percent i would not get saint

stephens

anyhow i needed to look for a new way of

finding self-worth

so when i went to college i went to

sriram college of commerce i realized

that

you step out of the house and you

realize that acceptance has to come not

just from your parents but

society at large and what is it that is

the path set out for you

is you do good internships you get a

good package you get to

go to a good you know a good company

and that is how you will define yourself

going forward

but you know college is a time when you

also discover yourself

i realized that for the life of me i

could not continue doing accounting in

commerce

and that was not something i wanted to

pursue

i also discovered that i enjoyed social

work

i was working with a student’s

organization called students in free

enterprise

i think i believe it’s now called

enactus and i told myself

that you know i realized that every day

post class i was looking forward to go

and work with the rickshaw pullers on

campus because you were trying to

bring them into the fold of financial

inclusion in the formal credit sector

and so i realized oh so this is an area

of interest let me push my boundaries

and try and see what i can do here

i went on to do internships with ngos

with think tanks as well as the un

and as i was progressing this is all

still in college i was telling myself

see

my resume is building up this ought to

make me feel that i am accomplished at

my age and i should draw a sense of

self-worth

from a piece of paper it was still

external it was still trying to find my

myself outside i

and as it continued i took a gap year i

must admit that all the work that i did

did my resume did help me get into a

good school in columbia

uh in the us i joined columbia

university for a master’s program and i

was like

by leaving india this is it i have if i

may say all right

this is going to definitely be my source

of self-worth

that i am in an ivy league i have done a

good undergraduation and i am

on a path to being successful as they

would call it

but the next two years that colombia is

what i would say were truly

transformative

it is there i was picked up from a place

where the world view

and our social identity comes from where

we stand in your community

and you know whether it’s parents

whether it’s friends whether it’s

society at large and i was parachuted

into this world of individualism

i think it was the first time i really

realized that what are the you know the

subtleties of ethnicity or phrase of

gender

and what are the nuances when i say the

word self-worth

it was really i think much later in life

that i really understood what

may acne favorite home really means it

is my acne

favorite home and not to hariyapki

it is all about yourself it starts and

it starts and ends with you

so i started i told myself let me try

and discover the person that i am

and i don’t mean this in a narcissistic

sense of saying that oh who is for my

own self to figure out

who am i what do i like what do i not do

do i dislike

what is it that really moves me what am

i passionate about

now that these are some philosophical

questions also and perhaps the two years

masters was too short a time

for that evolution but the masters was

also a time when i discovered what were

my real academic interests

i found myself specializing in

international trade

international relations and issues of

migration

and i realized that to be able to learn

and grow in this field and as well as

contribute

the indian foreign service would be the

best platform way for me to do that

so i decided i’m going to come back and

write the civil services examination

now this was 2016.

i came back with this idea of course of

one you know these

notions very romantic ideas of self-love

and acceptance and on the other hand

this

very heavy terminology in terms of the

academic fields that i was

i come back and i decide okay i’m going

to write the exam

the next three years i can tell you were

living hell

they didn’t have to be but they were in

2016 i came back i

wrote the civil services examination i

gave the prelims i gave the mains

i went all the way to the interview and

you know somewhere

it is only human nature i thought okay

so i have you know i’ve been to sriram i

have done

an ivy league i have worked both in

india and abroad yeah this was happening

for me

but bam i felt flat on my face and that

is i think the beauty of that

examination

is that it’s the ultimate leveler i

didn’t qualify

i was nowhere in the list and i realized

oh so

they said i need to pick myself up and

do this again

i think it was my first failure

of course failure also external

achievement also external still

and i said okay i’m going to give it

again i gave the 2017 attempt

this time more with the vengeance that

how this examination failed me

and also still reeling under the sheer

shock items that i didn’t qualify

i didn’t even qualify the prelims in

so here i was two years into in into

india after my

under my post graduation and

two years down nowhere so to speak where

my aspirations lay

then i just and i realized that it was

not only that

i was not happy internally but i was not

making anyone outside happy either

my entire self-esteem five say was

completely shattered

and as is it is that once you have

issues mentally you also

see their manifestations physically a

myopic child i started having trouble

with my eyes

my i had gained weight studying for the

exam

so my pcos flared up and i was just

barely staying afloat if that’s the word

i mean i traversed the entire spectrum

from

self-pity that i’m a hard-working kid

why did this happen to me

to blame my to play to the blame game

where

whether it’s myself or my parents you

know i should have stayed back in the

states or done something different i

didn’t get the right guidance

in the process i made myself miss rupal

and everyone around me at least not very

happy

and to top all of this came the november

2017 incident

of dengue i think it was cathartic in a

lot of ways

for the first time i really understood

the limits of my own physical body

that you know when taking a bath becomes

a huge challenge is when you realize

that you can’t take everything

for granted because we tend to

especially our bodies at a young age

and the second thing i realized was that

it those three weeks that i was just

bedridden literally

it gave me a lot of time to think back

and relook at my life

they say hindsight is 20 20 and with

that wisdom let me tell you that

i thought about myself i said i’m a

young educated person

i am someone who has a family and

friends that really support me i have a

private sector job i was working

throughout while preparing for the civil

services

i am i have no existential crisis i’m

not financially insecure

and lastly at least literally i was

somewhere comfortable in my skin so what

was it that was troubling me so much

i remember one day my mother came and

said that you know

puja you need to let go of this

examination

you have to stop pinning all your hopes

and aspirations on one exam

and then any idea of success is not the

destination

letting this affect your self-worth

i don’t know if it was the fatigue of

the illness or it was the fact that i

had

you know for after months really

decluttered my mind

i decided that that’s it i’m going to

pick myself up and not look back

in what followed was that i really made

a cons

you know conscious effort to not mix

myself my achievements and my

aspirations with my sense of self-worth

it’s not easy it does not come naturally

what did i do i try to tell myself i’m

going to set different targets and goals

spread myself so to speak i realized i’m

going to start

physically i had gained some you know a

lot of weight while preparing i said i’m

going to shed that and become

fit i i lost 15 kgs by in 2018

i turned to my hobbies i said i enjoy

writing and traveling so i started my

own travel blog

i realized that i enjoyed i knew i’ve

always been in a dancer so i said i’m

going to pick up a new form of dance i

started learning salsa

what i was trying to do was basically

invest in myself

and think beyond one external factor

these were things that interested me and

i did them for myself

and the last thing yes i did was i said

i’ll write the exam again

but this time around it was not for some

sense of

social acceptance or social prestige

that is attached to this exam

that oh i need to prove my metal by

getting only if i qualify can i prove my

metal actually

but because i felt that i have

discovered that i am interested in this

field and i feel diplomacy is going to

be a way

i can learn and grow as an individual

and so i gave this and i told myself

that this

foreclosure because i’m not going to

give this exam again

i wrote the civil services examination

in 2018

and i can tell you it was really the

attitude and approach that really made

all the difference

so today if i if my introduction may

read something like an

all india rank 11 or a foreign indian

foreign service officer

i accept that that adds to my sense of

achievement

but nowhere is that the basis of my

sense of self-worth

and i really want to say this to

everyone out there because i have been

learning and i’m still in a pro i’m

still a work in progress

of to learn to love myself for all my

eccentricities

my shortcomings as well as my strengths

and everyone owes themselves this favor

of trying to invite this spirit of

self-love

and i want to just say that three things

that i think really helped me traverse

this distance

well one strong strong personal

relationship

i would say that for me whether my

mother has been my best friend

my husband who’s my childhood companion

or a close knit of

close-knit group of friends what it

helps is that when you know someone’s

got your back

it helps you you know face the knocks

that come your way

in life second is acceptance which is

both of yourself and your surroundings

life is not going to always be an upward

trajectory you are going to face downs

and ups and downs again

and for that you need to be resilient

and for resilience

acceptance is the first step and the

last

is abandoning any socials any sense of

guilt or self-pity why i say these two

things is because only when you

shed this do you really start owning

every decision of yours

and that is really when you

metaphorically become comfortable in

your own skin

remember that life is like much like a

globe and geography that if you start at

one point and you start walking

you’re never going to reach the edge you

will come right back

to where you started and so much in life

as well it begins and ends with you

so love yourselves embrace yourselves

and cherish yourselves

and now i’d like to close by introducing

myself

that i am pujya priyadarshni i am

someone i

call who is a nomad who learns stability

who loves to travel who loves food who

loves to write

and also loves to clean and has an

unhealthy

absolutely unhealthy love for deserts

and this

is my journey towards what my host in my

host country they call

ammo which is self-love thank you very

much namaskar