How to Support and Comfort Someone Going Through Grief

the 2020 pandemic has left

575 000 people dead in the united states

that number is approximately now 3

million dead worldwide

this is tragic and sad and devastating

certainly all of these people have left

behind someone they loved and loved

them back so imagine for just a moment

the amount of grief pouring

into every society around the world the

impending

grief ripple effect and the impact it

will have

on everyone what experts are saying

is that for every person who died there

are at least

nine newly bereaved what’s lost in this

entire conversation is the

unbearable grief of millions

who have been left orphaned or widowed

which is estimated to be nearly 2

million new widows

and an unknown amount of fatherless kids

in just

one year the fact is more men have died

than women worldwide

covet 19 has been a widow-making machine

and all of us we must become the

counterbalance

a hope making machine hope

that is aligned with a higher purpose

grounded with knowing better

and doing better and by staying

connected to others

the power of one this is something i

know

a little bit about i was a young widow

when i lost my husband i can empathize

with these women and those families who

are suddenly one day in a club they

never chose to be in and instead

they must face each day courageously in

a world

they do not recognize themselves and

coping every step of the way

i channeled that grief to help other

women grieve well

and to date we have served over 50 000

widowed women around the world

of all ages and backgrounds but if the

truth be told the true number is

unknown and probably much higher

every day in my life i talk to people

about difficult life moments

things like losing a partner a parent a

child

a job a dream home and security

but that wasn’t always the case i have

listened to actual grievers and watched

what actually worked to comfort them

so here are some of the practical and

wise insights

they have taught me they turned out to

be

pretty powerful building blocks of

resilience

insight number one there are three

powerful

and rare words you could say when

comforting someone through grief

and these words give them permission to

grieve and show

how much you care and love them those

words are

tell me more but before you say these

words let me warn you and prepare you

because

this is going to be a much longer

conversation than normal

because of the openness and the

vulnerability

that actually is needed you know they

deeply crave

this you have to think marathon not

sprinter

just let the time slip away and lean

into this moment of active listening

you might learn something important the

second

insight now that you’ve settled into

this tell me more conversation

it’s time to practice holding space and

what is that you ask

well it’s just another word for being

present and putting your phone away

but don’t worry this is not going to

take forever no

no matter what your brain is telling you

or the panic that you might feel

you’re probably going to say some

strange things

i’ve heard comments like i really

enjoyed reading his obituary

you were such a good writer and i’ve

also heard

i’m at a loss for words take it from me

being at a loss for words is a better

choice here

this is a time to actively listen

i can’t stress that enough you see it’s

only when our feelings rise up

that they can move through and out of us

this helps us to prepare to receive the

new that will come in

one of my favorite quotes is suffering

is lessened when shared

so let someone hold on to your grounded

hope

as you actively listen this third

insight i have for you is probably the

simplest of all

bring your smile this helps to alleviate

anxiety

boost your moods and increase your

endurance

it’s hard to smile gently when you are

hearing such hard things i get it

but it is possible a smile is contagious

and death can make a person’s joy harder

to access

but with a smile it can lead to humor

and

can be a sweet release there’s a saying

in the grief world what’s the most

important thing you’ve done this week

i survived your response can be

yes you did with a smile of

encouragement that is so

meaningful for both of you laughter and

tears

are often the ingredients of great

strides of healing

okay insight number four so now it’s

time to soothe yourself in the midst of

this

overwhelming conversation in which you

will feel like running away

because you may start to feel like your

own

your own emotions on edge and this is

completely normal

but here’s what you can do right now you

can take

three deep breaths that will activate

the calming centers of your

parasympathetic nervous system

it works the other is quite fascinating

you can take the palm of your hand

and place it on the back of your neck

which will cause the body to relax

activating the first developmental

memories of being soothed

and cuddled like an infant this works

remarkably well and no one has to know

that you’re doing it

so take your three deep breaths touch

the back of your neck

and keep going and my last insight

may be most misunderstood and certainly

under research but important to know

understanding the powerful difference

between bereavement and believement

is the same difference between grief and

growth

the mindset in which you approach this

conversation with a griever is

very different than any other kind of

communication

for one they are experiencing their

their loss physically as bereavement you

are experiencing their loss mentally as

believement

let me explain they are in a time of

physical and emotional shock disbelief

battling with their active emotions it’s

unbelievable and yet it’s still very

much alive for them

grievers do not know that they are

between these two worlds of bereavement

and believement

grief and growth that comes slowly

but you are comforting them

this is why you are so important

you are the bridge that allows them to

walk in that direction

it’s your empathy compassion

unconditional love

non-judgment and grace those are the

bricks upon which that bridge

is built thank you