Mastering the art of the uncomfortable conversation

ideal and uncomfortable conversations

for a living

now i know that sounds unusual

most of us shy away from uncomfortable

conversations because society teaches us

to avoid controversial and provocative

topics

plus uncomfortable conversations cause

us to sit with feelings that we all want

to avoid

such as resentment anguish guilt

i’m a former attorney and current

mediator

people come to me to facilitate the

resolution of legal disputes

i practiced law for 14 years before

becoming a mediator

and during that time i intended more

mediations than i can count

but always as a parties advocate and

almost always

i’ve represented the defendant when i

was practicing law the financial needs

of my client were most

important to me not their emotions

in hindsight i know that i didn’t really

see them as individual people

they were cases essentially just pieces

of paper

when i had time i did listen when they

spoke of their feelings but i

rarely had much time and i certainly

didn’t believe that managing their

feelings would impact my ability

to zealously represent them but now

nearly 15 years after i began my legal

career i serve in the position of

mediator

with a goal of helping people who are in

conflict come to a resolution of their

issues

with that change in my position my

perspective on the importance of

addressing the emotions

undergirding legal disputes shifted

almost instantly

this changed my career and infiltrated

my entire life

society teaches us that we need to be

nice

be polite essentially to lie if

necessary to protect the status quo

this is as deeply ingrained in the legal

profession as it is in any other aspect

of the human experience

surprisingly it has also been the status

quo to avoid

uncomfortable conversations during

mediations most mediators overlook the

party’s emotional needs but i

quickly realized that that approach

needed to be drastically changed

now i love an uncomfortable conversation

because i know that once we get through

it the negative feelings often dissipate

so that you have a clear understanding

of what the us legal field looks like

and the environment in which i find

myself

only five percent of lawyers are black

both men and women

accordingly black women make up less

than five percent of the profession

the numbers are even lower when we look

at black women

in mediation because the majority of

mediators at top firms are retired

judges

and the overwhelming majority of retired

judges are

white men i’m one of very few black

millennial women in the field so it

would be fair to say that i’m

just a bit different from most of my

fellow mediators you can imagine that my

approach and technique are different as

well

what i began to notice is this

certainly the parties are usually

arguing over money but it’s always

about the underlying feelings and

emotions

i began to explore different techniques

all of them

nameless and suddenly clients were

having breakthroughs

i encourage the parties to tell me about

their negative feelings

why they feel that way and what else has

happened to cause their

current emotional state when the parties

are willing to engage in this exercise

their discomfort births breakthroughs

i learned how to effectively have an

uncomfortable conversation

the key is revolutionary yet very simple

i ask curious questions and genuinely

listen to the responses

with an open mind and non-judgmental

heart

i started using this technique in my

personal life and every

one of my relationships has changed for

the better

i’ve discovered that the strategy i use

in the legal field

which i call the four cornerstones of

mediation

emotional intelligence cultural

knowledge

cultural immersion and genuine empathy

can also work for each one of us

in our daily interactions and

relationships

these four cornerstones are the

foundation of an uncomfortable

conversation

they are inextricably yet gently

intertwined

with each needing to be rock solid in

order for the process to work

so what is emotional intelligence

we’ve all heard of it it’s a buzz phrase

and is quickly becoming the go-to

measure of a person

primarily emotional intelligence

concerns whether we are

fully aware of our own feelings and

whether we allow that awareness

to control the way in which we lead our

lives

emotional intelligence also concerns

whether or not we are able to regulate

and control our own emotions

it’s become important because most

people don’t tell you how they feel

either because they don’t want to or

because they don’t know

how to describe their feelings

ask yourself can i identify my own

feelings

do my feelings help guide my decisions

do i understand how my emotions fit with

the people and happenings around me

and can i use this information to relate

and properly interact with others

it’s a lot to contemplate but this

phenomenon

happens seamlessly easily unconsciously

and instantaneously for many

cultural knowledge it’s all about

knowing the norms and values that a

culture holds

in other words how do one’s peers within

a given culture expect one to behave

in my work i see people from all

different communities

atlanta is genuinely a diverse

cosmopolitan city

here’s an example some cultures find

direct eye contact disrespectful

while most western cultures find a lack

of eye contact disrespectful neither is

right nor wrong

just different and variable from culture

to culture

how closely should someone stand next to

you

do you nod your head up and down to

indicate yes

or do you shake your head from side to

side to indicate yes

americans focus strongly on life liberty

and the pursuit of happiness

are those values innate to the human

experience

i don’t know but as an american i was

indoctrinated to believe that they are

not every culture holds these same

beliefs and that is fine

it’s neither right nor wrong it simply

is once we’ve studied

and gained cultural knowledge we need to

apply it

that’s where cultural immersion comes in

cultural immersion is exactly what it

sounds like

immersing oneself in another culture

study abroad programs are an excellent

example of this

cultural immersion involves putting

ourselves into a position

in which we can no longer view ourselves

as outsiders

or as strangers to a culture

this is crucial because actively

engaging with a culture and its people

will

teach you what they do how they live

and importantly why they do what they do

why they believe what they believe

ultimately cultural immersion helps you

see a new perspective on life

and the world and ideally in a

non-judgmental way

and finally genuine empathy

ever since i was a little girl i had a

strong

sense of empathy but as a lawyer i

felt the need to hide it shut it down

in fact i was specifically told that too

much empathy could affect how i did my

job as a defense attorney

as a mediator i’m able to tap into that

natural empathy and pull it back up

and i realized just how important it

truly is

at its most basic empathy can be

described as having genuine concern for

others and their well-being

but in this context the most important

aspect of empathy

is having an understanding of how people

feel

because we live in an ever more global

and multicultural society

for the billions of us to exist

peacefully on this planet

we need to know how to communicate with

each other

when we stand on the four cornerstones

i’ve identified

and build our capacity for kindness

within their parameters

we can harness their energy and come

into tremendous power

that power allows us to see each other

as individuals

free from judgment and with an

understanding of our own feelings

and an appreciation for the feelings and

points of view of others

sit in that discomfort

engage with the uncomfortable

and allow yourself to move through it

ultimately expressing your feelings and

listening to those with whom you

disagree

will free you of the discomfort allowing

you to move on with your life

unencumbered by that prior pain

one day while arguing with a friend i

decided to implement my cornerstone

technique

instead of jumping immediately to

continue to quarrel with her

as his natural instinct i stopped myself

i made the conscious decision to

consider her feelings

i considered her point of view and i

simply listened

i did so with an open mind and

non-judgmental heart

and we quickly got to the bottom of the

issue although my friend was arguing

with me because i had triggered her

anger

i had nothing to do with what was

actually bothering her

i never would have known that had i

argued instead of allowing an extremely

uncomfortable conversation to happen

i use a cornerstone technique with my

four children too

they’re ages 3 4 7 and 9.

to say the least they are a strong

willed group but

none is more forceful than the baby

he understands his emotions but he has

little ability to regulate those

emotions

and that looks like more than occasional

tantrums

i suppose i could argue with my

three-year-old but where would that get

me

it certainly wouldn’t get me any closer

to what i want which is to calm him

instead of arguing with him or trying to

rationalize with him because he is three

i sit down on the floor physically

getting down to his level

i scoop him up onto my lap i give him my

most concerned look and a huge hug

his heart stops racing he opens up

and he tells me what’s wrong i may not

even understand

everything that he says typically i

don’t but that’s of no consequence to

him

or to my efforts to soothe him it is no

matter

that i don’t know what he meant really

because he knows that i’m listening

the technique clearly works but i

receive a lot of pushback when i talk

about it in certain mediation circles

likely because they’re not ready to have

the uncomfortable conversation

that needs to happen i don’t mind the

pushback because i am determined to defy

the status quo

again my particular demographic

black woman millennial

makes up only a tiny percentage of the

legal profession generally

and even less of the mediation field

perspectives lived experiences

and expectations are different from many

of my peers

i could go along to get along but i

refuse to shrink

to fit the ready-made box

the current highly polarized political

climate makes clear

human interaction requires monumental

change because negative emotions

fester and eventually erupt

we’ve been indoctrinated to avoid

uncomfortable conversations but we now

have full

knowledge that there is a significantly

better way

all we have to do is try to see each

other’s perspectives

and view each other from new angles this

unique way of mediating that places our

emotions at the center in order to

discover the truth

is the new millennial way of having

uncomfortable conversations

when we enter a conversation with

curiosity

authentic listening an open mind and

open heart

both parties feel happier seen and heard

which is the beginning of the end of

conflict in our lives

our communities and ultimately the world

it’s the beginning of truly embracing

each other

as we master the art of the

uncomfortable conversation

thank you