Changing Our Communication with the Dying

[Music]

we’re dying wrong

dying is one of the most natural things

about living

and we’re doing it wrong we let barriers

get in the way of our communication

with our dying loved ones barriers

that can prevent us from having the type

of communication that will make our

relationship

stronger engage us with that dying loved

one

bring comfort to each other and

alleviate the distress that comes with

that time of life

we need to find a way of how to die

right but these barriers get in the way

is like fear fear of saying the wrong

thing

fear of not saying what we want to say

fear of diminishing hope or making

things

worse and we avoid awkward conversations

we stay clear of talking about taboo

topics

like illness death and dying

and we’re unaware of the

of the needs that the dying feel the

needs that the dying need

maintaining control independence

and dignity but we can get over these

obstacles

we can knock down these barriers because

improving our

communication creates a good dying

experience

so how do we get there where do we start

well the first thing we do

is we address those fears why are we

afraid of saying the wrong thing

i believe we place this here this

expectation on ourselves that is

just unrealistic we tell ourselves we

have to say what’s perfect

we look for the perfect words and the

perfect words don’t exist

so rather than wasting our time seeking

something

that doesn’t exist we should examine the

message that we want to give

and then ask ourselves if it’s

appropriate how do we know if our

message is appropriate

we look at the context we ask ourselves

is this the right place

is this the right time how well will the

person we want to speak

to receive the message when my

grandmother was dying

it was okay for me to talk about end of

life planning

when my mother was dying it was not

i had to look at the person i was

speaking to and the context of the

situation

next we need to start talking about

dying

we need to discuss death we don’t do it

because it reminds us that we’re mortal

it reminds us

that we’re only here for a short period

of time

and it reminds us that one day we

and our loved ones are going to depart

and that’s scary to us

we even try to convince ourselves that

if we don’t talk about it

it won’t arrive and we know that that’s

not true

so if we’re still dying even though

we’re not talking about it

why don’t we ask ourselves why aren’t we

talking about it

why are we going through this alone why

aren’t we speaking with our dying loved

ones

about our raw feelings why aren’t we

telling them

i’m scared too i’m angry

this isn’t good why don’t we go through

that together rather than walking alone

we can bring comfort to each other

through doing that

and lastly we need to start embracing

the needs of the dying

because embracing the needs of the dying

creates a good dying experience

when my mother was diagnosed with

pancreatic cancer

months down the road she was entering

hospice

and we gathered at the house and the

hospice nurse came to visit

it was myself and some family members

and as the nurse

asked my mother some questions every

time the nurse asked

a question one of my sister-in-laws

volunteered the answer

and although i know my sister-in-law’s

heart was in a really good place

she loved my mother she wanted to

demonstrate that

she wanted to help but as the

opportunities were missed

with my mother being able to respond for

herself

i also noticed that there was a change

in her demeanor

and frustration came upon her face and

finally she stood up

and she left the room a few minutes

later she returned

and she looked at everyone in the room

and my mom said

i’m still here i’m still here

this is my life i can answer my own

questions

her words were strong her voice was weak

but the message was loud and clear and

everyone in that room knew at that

moment

that my mother needed to have that

control

see the dying are not the dead

they’re still with us and when you have

a terminal illness

one of the things that you don’t have

much of is control

and it’s our jobs to use empathy and to

pay attention to that

and support our loved ones as much as we

can

so that they can maintain that control

and that dignity

even through something as simple a task

as

answering their own questions

years after my mother passed away my

siblings and i were cleaning out the

house

and my other sister-in-law came across a

handwritten journal that my mother had

started

when she first was diagnosed and she

gave it to me

and there was one entry in there that

still stands out in my mind

and that was there’s nothing harder

than talking to my kids about

this this was dying

and i wonder if my mother knew

that for me and for my siblings

that the only thing harder than talking

about my mom dying

was not talking about her dying i wonder

if that would have made a difference

in her dying experience and ours

i believe it did or i believe it would

i also know that it affected how we

grieve differently

some of us will not have the opportunity

to have these conversations

with our loved ones we won’t because

some of our loved ones will be taken

unexpectedly

so when you do have the opportunity when

those moments are there

use them communicate authentically

appropriately don’t leave

any unfinished business

tell them what’s on your heart go

through the walk together alleviate that

distress

and when the time comes release them

because that is how you die right

thank you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you