How to Communicate in the New Normal

[Music]

when was the last time

you shook hands with someone

a lot about the way we communicate has

changed

the greeting for our new normal is eye

contact

it signals that a person is present

engaged and connected

it activates your social brain your

intentions and your emotions

i want to offer you a perspective that

can significantly change your life

what if i told you that eye contact may

govern how successful you are

take feedback i received after an

interview your lack of eye contact made

you seem

unprepared and insecure you aren’t

really a culture fit

the act of being seen is as important as

being understood

eye contact matters but what’s even more

important

is that eye contact means different

things in different cultures

for some eye contact is a sign of

confidence and attentiveness

we assume that if someone looks away

while we’re talking to them

they’re uninterested or looking for

someone else to talk to

for others too much eye contact would

actually be considered aggressive and

confrontational

avoiding it is actually a sign of

respect for bosses and elders

psychologists claim it can impact your

attention emotion

and even how you evaluate someone as

trustworthy or intelligent

now what happens in the brains of two

people when they make eye contact in a

virtual setting

studies show that when people made

real-time eye contact

they mimicked one another’s blinks and

the same regions of their brains

activated

when the video was delayed or not

presented the synchrony stopped

human interaction has changed

drastically due to the pandemic

we’ve added another layer that further

disconnects us

we paused our normal work routines and

many of us were forced into isolation

although technology has improved our

virtual experience we’ve encountered a

magnified gap

between bias and cultural competence the

lack of social cues or emotions

makes electronic communication more

challenging since social norms and

standards disappear in virtual

environments

this new normal can lead to unintended

consequences

our culture governs our communication

styles that in consequence govern

how we are perceived and in many ways

our communication styles

may be working against us by creating a

biased perception of who we are

whether it be how we make eye contact or

how we present ourselves in a virtual

setting

so does something like unbroken eye

contact and speaking up in a meeting

determine who gets hired or promoted

studies show that people in powerful

positions usually reward

styles similar to their own those who

tend to be indirect when giving

instructions are perceived as

less confident when work is accomplished

in the privacy of a team

the outcome of the team’s effort may be

connected with the person who is most

vocal about reporting results

so take cultures who tend to communicate

more indirectly and place value on

status

their communication style makes them

reluctant to put themselves forward

and they risk not getting credit for

their contributions

we make judgment calls on who gets

promoted based on who is participating

more

and as a result who moves up in an

organization is connected to how we

perceive others

but that perception may be flawed

whether someone speaks up or not

may also be connected to their culture

and may have nothing to do with them

being insecure or less confident

at one point i learned the hard way that

in fact any exchange of information can

become the basis

for judgments or misjudgments about

competence

after a recent training i received a

negative evaluation so i asked my

supervisor for an explanation

he said that i knew less than my peers i

asked how he had reached that conclusion

he said you ask more questions

so asking more questions may be

applauded in some cultures but

could play against you and others when i

started my career in the us i

naively believed that if i was always on

time never said no to a project didn’t

contradict others

met all my deadlines and gave my best

effort i would quickly move my way up

the corporate ladder

i was wrong i had a bigger problem

my indirect communication style was

getting in the way

i felt that i might not be accepted if i

shared an opinion that was

contrary to what others believed so i

avoided voicing my ideas and group

settings

i gave my power away to others by

assuming that their viewpoints held more

weight than my own i allowed myself to

speak

only when i knew my comments would be

met with approval

i was constantly told to be more

assertive and hold the line with your

customers

this created constant pressure in my

mind to be careful about

what i said and how i said it and i

became overly vigilant about how my

comments were received

so what happens when you put someone

quiet with someone who is loud in a

virtual meeting

the louder the other person gets the

more quiet the other one gets

instead of mirroring the energy with our

voice we do the opposite

we join calls with colleagues from

various countries cultures and

time zones and some want to occupy all

of the meeting while others

never really speak up how much of that

has to do with their culture

growing up in a mostly indirect culture

i used to believe that agreeing was

always better than disagreeing

i remember that thinking that saying yes

to everything was my superpower

it quickly turned into my biggest enemy

and led to

burnouts let downs and mental breakdowns

i over committed and always fell short

if i had to say no i was taught to

be nice about it and sometimes my subtle

no was

misinterpreted for yes so naturally

until i understood how my indirect style

was working against me

it led to professional and personal

hardships

so it’s fair to say that some cultures

are more direct than others

but when speaking up counts for half the

grade there’s a gap

now take your preference for power

distribution you get equally qualified

people on a call

but one may be a manager and the other

may be an individual contributor

people who place value on status will

rarely disagree in front of a manager

so they’re less likely to get noticed

ceos often make decisions in five

minutes about matters on which others

may have worked five months i recall

hearing a ceo

say if a person making the proposal

seems confident

i approve if not i say no this might

seem like a reasonable approach the ceo

obviously thinks he knows

what a confident person sounds like but

his judgment

which may be dead right for some people

maybe dead or wrong for others

and how much of this is accentuated in a

virtual setting

today virtual collaboration might make

up the single most

important element in the modern working

world so

how do we manage the cultural

differences that are inevitably present

in the new normal

it starts with awareness each of us

has his or her own distinct personality

on top of that are tendencies

assumptions and reflexes

handed down to us by the history of the

communities we grew up in

and those differences are very specific

so of course our ability to succeed at

what we do

is powerfully connected to where we’re

from

who we are cannot be separated from our

culture and when we ignore that fact we

fail

how others perceived my indirect

communication style

is proof of how misunderstanding can

lead to bias and how

if left unexamined can stop you from

being successful

awareness is just the beginning action

needs to follow

so how can we actually bridge the gap

from bias

to cultural competence so i ran a little

experiment on myself and started being a

little more direct

i began to say no more often tried

cutting my sentences in half

got to the point faster and i realized

it was okay to speak up in front of

others and

give them feedback more openly

regardless of their position my life

changed forever

i began to get noticed in the workplace

and realized that a small style switch

did the trick

so how can you apply this to your life

take a common scenario in which you’re

giving or receiving feedback

think about how the person you’re

interacting with communicates

and see if you can make a connection to

their culture before making an

assumption or judgment

if someone doesn’t make direct eye

contact or doesn’t participate in

meetings as much as you’d expect them to

maybe it doesn’t mean they’re

uninterested or insecure

but culturally that they’d rather speak

one-on-one instead of in a group setting

be aware of different communication

styles and avoid letting them

influence your assessment of a person’s

contributions

and when you find yourself jumping to a

conclusion assume positive intent

people might be struggling to get into

the conversation versus having nothing

to contribute

and their communication style might be

unconventional

rather than ineffective our perceptions

change our minds and our minds change

our reactions

so can our reactions change our outcomes

absolutely becoming aware of my own

communication style significantly

changed mine

this tiny shift in my communication

style stopped my brain from judging how

i think and feel about myself and how i

perceive others

here’s where it all came full circle for

the last nine years i struggled with

feeling a void in my life

we’ll call it a sense of belonging

leaving my family in south america to

start a life in the u.s

was one of the hardest things i ever did

but mostly because i was stuck

not believing that i could do it or that

i’d ever make it here

i remember being hired from my dream job

and letting the recruiter know that i

would be thrilled to accept the offer

but that i also needed help getting my

u.s permanent residence

the recruiter said hold on we weren’t

aware of this

i’m not sure we can do this for you i’ll

call you back

those five minutes were the longest i’ve

ever waited when i got the go-ahead i

thought to myself wow

i can’t believe it i got so lucky i

really shouldn’t be here

so for years and years into the whole

process i kept trying to overcompensate

and overachieve

i thought the us government would figure

me out and find out that i wasn’t worth

the green card

and that it would be denied and that i’d

be deported

it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that i

finally got it in the mail and on that

day

everything just clicked in my head two

things happened

first my feelings of doubt and

insecurity disappeared

and second i realized that none of my

imposter syndrome had to do with

where i’m from or what my cultural

background is but all to do with how my

culture was impacting the way i

communicate

so i stopped letting that get in the way

of my success

instead of using my differences as an

excuse to why i’m so verbose and

not as assertive as my american

colleagues i style switch when i have to

and guess what it works so i ask you to

do three simple things that can

dramatically change the outcomes in your

life

and in turn lead you to believe in

yourself and in others

first get to know yourself how do you

derive your identity

what is your preference for power

distribution

how do you make decisions in ambiguous

situations

how do you communicate directly or

indirectly

do you prioritize tasks or relationships

first

there are many cultural tools in the

market but i personally found globesmart

very helpful

second get to know others

and third learn how to bridge your

differences so you can

build on your similarities how we talk

and listen

are deeply influenced by cultural

experience

communication isn’t as simple as saying

what you mean

how you say what you mean is crucial and

it differs from one person to the next

because using languages learned social

behavior

although we might think that our ways of

saying what we mean are natural

we can run into trouble if we interpret

and evaluate others

based on our assumptions the trend

towards a more intercultural work

environment is

speeding up in the context of the

pandemic so next time you find yourself

in a cross-cultural or virtual team

try focusing on these three steps and

incorporate them

into your work routines pro tip

no matter where you’re from or what

culture you represent

how you view yourself is how you treat

yourself so

inhale confidence exhale doubt you are

what you give

so go share this information with

someone who needs it the most

gracias