How I Saved a Life with Fierce Compassion

[Music]

recently i was tidying up my parents

home when i came across my old school

reports

lucy is conscientious quiet gets on well

with others

primary school lucy is reserved kind

easy to teach secondary school again and

again the same words appeared

pleasant agreeable gentle and these are

in no way bad qualities to have

but looking back i see someone who was a

conformist

for decades i followed the rules obeyed

orders

have not wanted to upset people i

remained submissive to my parents and my

male counterparts

i thought pleasing others equated to

being kind

and then something happened i broke out

of the people-pleasing cycle

i found the quality needed to balance my

tendencies to over give

i found fierce compassion

fierce compassion not only saved my life

it saved the life of another

but before we get to that how do we end

up as people pleasers

for me it started at the age i realized

i didn’t

quite belong my cultural heritage is

chinese but i was born and brought up in

england with many of my elders still

living in hong kong

i couldn’t understand a word of

cantonese so i couldn’t communicate with

over half my family

they would affectionately call me a

banana yellow on the outside

white on the inside in my mind

i wasn’t quite western enough not quite

chinese enough

i was terrified others would see me as

an outsider

a fraud so i tried to create a sense of

belonging by getting others to like me

i became a human chameleon morphing into

a variety of characters

the polite chinese girl who sat quietly

at the back of class

the workmate who never said no to that

extra project

the diplomat who tried to keep everyone

comfortable

but there was a downside to this

approach often i felt unseen

misunderstood even resentful

finally i realized i was carrying the

shame of not belonging

and i was exhausting myself as a puppet

master constantly trying to control how

others perceived me

with self-compassion i began to meet

this longing for acceptance

for connection and i realized i could

give

this to myself i could give myself

permission to belong again and again i

said to myself

may i know that i am worthy

may i know that i am enough

and once i felt at home in my body and

in this world i was drawn outwards

i was caught to others who carried this

same shame and i helped them realize

that they

belong to

fierce compassion allows us to show up

for ourselves and to give

ourselves what we need this is often the

first step to extending this outwards

so how did i become strong fierce

first i had to realize how people

pleasing wasn’t serving me

it was my first peaceful protest

campaigning for the environment and i

was so excited

finally i was engaging in a social

action that felt aligned with my values

i was so excited i arrived early and was

waiting in the middle of a marketplace

a cheerful middle eastern store owner

was toasting pitter nearby

the smell of warm bread enticed me over

soon we started chatting

he was telling me all about his family’s

culture and asking about mine

i turned towards the protest now

approaching the sound of drumming

filling the air mixed with the scent of

fresh falafel

i smiled and i turned towards the store

lana

my sense of uplift disappeared as i

noticed a look of distaste on his face

he moved closer who are they

he asked they’re a bit weird aren’t they

and i would love to stand here now and

share with you how i told him that i too

was part of the protest

and why i believe we need to protect the

environment

but the truth is i couldn’t i froze

i didn’t want to be seen as strange i

didn’t want to see myself as an outsider

again

so i shrugged my shoulders and i said oh

i’m not sure

i wanted to keep our conversation as a

moment of connection rather than

highlighting our differences

i felt small as i grabbed my wrap

muttered a thank you

and slunk away

afterwards i felt disappointed in myself

like i’d abandoned a part of me

a part of me that cares deeply about the

issues of the world and wants to express

that

part of me that knows for the

possibility of change there needs to be

understanding and real understanding

doesn’t come from always being agreeable

and being unwilling to discuss the truth

of a situation

real understanding comes from being

ready to share your view

and being willing to listen to anothers

i had already nailed the listening part

for me to engage wholeheartedly in this

process i needed to start using my voice

i couldn’t start talking in front of

hundreds of people let alone a stranger

so i started small sitting opposite my

parents across the dining table

they were born into poverty in small

farming villages

they came here with the hopes of

building better lives for themselves

the generation difference was apparent

as were their priorities

for them job security and financial

stability came first

so when one evening i decided to share

with them my decision to step

back from my medical career to pursue my

dream of teaching meditation

well can you imagine

i felt a flushing in my chest and a

tight knot in my stomach

there it was the fear of rejection

even in front of the two people who had

cared for me since i was a tiny baby

i paused and i felt the discomfort in my

body

i allowed the butterflies to be there i

gave them space

i breathed into the tightness of my

belly

i whispered to my anxiety

it’s okay for you to be here

i know you’re trying to keep me safe

i felt the ground beneath my feet and

tapping into this sense of steadiness

i began to speak i realized the earth is

always holding me

connecting me to strength and stability

when i felt the urge to stop to merge

with the wallpaper

i whispered to myself

it’s okay for you to be heard

i’m here for you

that night i gave my decision and my

parents received it

they didn’t necessarily agree with it

but they received it

it was then i realized we can still

respect each other across lines of

difference

from that point i started speaking up

more only agreeing to take a job if my

pay was equal to my male colleagues

speaking out against injustice with time

i realize when i feel worthy enough to

be seen

the world doesn’t fall apart gradually

my voice became less wobbly

more assertive sure sometimes the words

would come out too abruptly

a little clumsily at first but i gave

myself a break knowing that this was a

new learning for me

the extra audrey part is this opened up

more conversations

authentic cards on the table

conversations

i felt more connected not less

these experiences give me hope for the

possibility of change

as powerful change must come from a

deeper understanding

i had misunderstood what it means to be

kind to be compassionate

i ask you now which words come to mind

when i say the word compassion

for me it’s things like soft

comforting nurturing

like the tender love a mother has for

its child

and whilst this gentleness is crucial

for healing

i had fallen into the trap of thinking

not rocking the boat equated to

compassion

but not rocking the boat can sometimes

be the difference between

life and death

i now know that the most dangerous

animal you can come across in the world

is a mother protecting its young think

of a mother grizzly bear who will do

absolutely anything to defend her cubs

compassion can be strong steady

fierce brave

and this fierce compassion is a

direction i wanted to head towards

and slowly it became a reality for me

both sides of compassion the soft and

the strong

the tender and the fierce both sides

need to be integrated

so that we can look after ourselves and

others

this became crystal clear to me when i

was a junior doctor fresh out of medical

school working on a weekend

they call this shift the baptism of fire

as skeleton staff we would run from

waterward forgetting to eat

rest or breathe i received a phone call

from a nurse

she was seriously concerned about a

patient in pain

i remembered the first lesson from my

training always

trust the nurse on paper he looked fine

his observations were relatively normal

but as soon as i saw his face i just

knew

something wasn’t quite right

i called my senior and asked him to come

take a look

he was unconcerned and tried to reassure

me

just give him some medication and move

on he said

when i repeated that i was concerned

something sinister was going on

he became irritated and hung up on me

my cheeks burned red from shame as

self-doubt in my inner critic appeared

i only had two weeks experience he

probably had

20 years worth who was i to challenge

him

so i went to look at the patient again

as i looked at his face i felt something

emerging within me

something strong fierce

a deeper knowing of what i had to do

in this moment i knew the life of this

man was more important than me being

liked

or found out as incompetent

inwardly i felt shaky adrenaline now

coursing through my veins

i picked up the phone and called the

consultant he was at home having lunch

with his family

i heard his toddler giggling in the

background

he was surprised to hear from me a

little stern

i had shown incorrect form by jumping

the hierarchy

nevertheless he listened as i calmly and

firmly said

sir my sense here is that there’s

something

seriously wrong i need you to come in

right now he arrived after what found at

the longest ten minutes in my life

the next half hour was a blurb with a

flurry of movement and phone calls

as the operating team mobilized the last

thing i saw were the wheels of the

trolley disappearing through closing

doors

hours later the doors opened the head

nurse emerged

and smiled at me i burst out crying from

relief

the action i took that day saved a life

but the truth is i could have been wrong

but realizing the consequences if i was

right about this man

me being judged possibly labelled as a

troublemaker

was worth it in that moment i could

take a stand why

because the stakes were high it wasn’t

about me anymore

it was about protecting another

even though i was shaking on the inside

that

was my mother bear moment

so i ask you what if we don’t see

compassion solely as a practice of

gentleness

what if we also see compassion as a

practice of protection

i know that there’s probably an issue in

your life that you’re concerned about

but you’re afraid to act

on maybe you don’t feel empowered enough

maybe you feel like you don’t have

capacity perhaps you’re worried

how others will respond maybe you’re

unsure what to do

but i invite you to ask yourself the

question what are the consequences of

inaction here

you don’t have to yell at your boss

straight away start small

have the difficult conversation you’ve

been avoiding speak up

even if you disagree learn how to say no

your fierce compassion doesn’t have to

look a certain way loud energetic

my fierce compassion is quiet

contained disciplined

it is filled with conviction

the amount of suffering in the world

makes my heart break again and again

but every time i stand up speak out

support those in need i feel a strength

there

a strength that stems from pure love

a love that encompasses courage and

wisdom

a love that is powerful

that is fierce compassion

thank you

you