How To Get Self Confidence A Virtuous Cycle

hello glasgow

hello you people up in the park seats as

well i can’t see you back

i’m sure you’re there hello hello so um

[Music]

for over 20 years at kissing with

confidence we have spoken to tens of

thousands of people

in all sectors including the university

sector at all levels

and um on their leadership skills

on their influence and persuasion skills

on their management skills and their

sailing skills

20 years tens of thousands of people and

at the beginning of many of these

programs we asked them well

what do you think’s important what kind

of skills or traits or abilities are

important

if you want to be an effective operator

even in your personal life your personal

life your social life and your business

life

what makes you good from the cocktail

bar to the boardroom

[Music]

and there are lots and lots of traits

and skills and abilities that come up

in respect of that but by far the

biggest word

in the word cloud

would be confidence sure it’s good if

you’re a bit charming and charismatic

it’s fantastic if you’re empathetic and

you’ve got about rapport going with

people

it’s absolutely brilliant and curiosity

come up in the introduction

it’s great if you’re curious it’s

fantastic if you make an impact all

of these things are important but every

single group puts confidence

right up at the top so by far as i say

self-confidence

would be the biggest word in the word

cloud

so here’s what we’re going to do in the

next 15 minutes or so

we’re going to together develop the

formula

for self-confidence self-confidence is

important

it’s an emotional intelligence skill now

yeah working your emotional intelligence

skills can be a little bit like chem

mailing jelly to the wall in other words

if you’re going to pass an exam if

you’re going to do a good spreadsheet if

you’re going to do things like that

it’s really important you understand

where you’re going with that spreadsheet

but you know where you’re right and you

know when you’re wrong

self-confidence not so much wouldn’t it

be fantastic

if there was a formula well that’s what

we’re going to do

and here’s how you do it i want to talk

to the person next year we’re going to

define self-confidence that’s what we’re

going to do right now we’re going to

define what self-confidence is

so talk to the person next to you get

into groups of three maybe groups of

four

and i want you to come up with your

personal definition of what

self-confidence is

as a life skill make as much noise as

you like talk to the person next to you

your personal definition

of what self-confidence is go on you

have 30 seconds to do it make as much

noise as you like go for it

what is self-confidence what is it

okay so back to me or is intense for a

second

now i’ve been doing this for about 20

years as i say so here are the kinds of

things that you are saying

so let me give you some things that

self-confidence is not self-confidence

is not

being fearless and thinking you can do

anything

that’s seven tequila slammers at half

past ten in a friday night

yeah so self-confidence that’s bravado

and bravado was very dangerous

self-confidence is hard won so it’s not

be fearless believing you can do

anything but actually

a little bit of fearlessness is good

when you’re doing a ted talk for example

just that little bit of fearless of

course i can do it yeah

but it’s not what self-confidence is

here’s hopefully what you were speaking

about

the simplest definition of

self-confidence ladies and gents

believe in yourself believe in yourself

have self-belief it’s as simple and as

complicated as that

self-confidence means believing in

yourself and having self-belief

but there’s another one i like you

probably like this one a little bit

better

be comfortable in your own skin be

comfortable with who you are

now let’s just stop that one there

that’s essentially what self-confidence

is

self-confidence means believing yourself

and being comfortable in your own skin

so how do we work in a formula

for that well it’s just summarizing it

be yourself everyone else has already

taken

oscar wilde i love that quote but here’s

my rider on it ladies and gents he’s my

writer on it

be the best version of yourself and be a

better version of yourself tomorrow

than you were today that’s what

self-confidence is

self-confidence is not easily one

self-confidence does not

come easy so here’s what we’re going to

do we’re going to

self-confidence is self-belief let’s

look at how you get self-confidence

and i want you to go into the same

groups for a minute i want you to think

of something that you are good at i want

you to think of something

that you do better than anyone else in

this room

there are 176 people in this room

i make better frittata than every single

one of you

i don’t know those of you who are from

mainland europe we’ll know what a

frittata or a spanish omelette is

those of you who are from the uk it’s an

omelette it’s a say omelette

i don’t care how good you are at making

omelette

i’m better you give me six eggs a bit of

broccoli some cheese

maybe a little bit of herbs maybe an

onion and a potato and i will make you

a frittata you will eat all weekend and

you will want to have another one the

next week if you put friday frittata

into instagram you will get 77

of my frittata recipes so there you go i

don’t care how confident you are at

making an omelette

miner right up there so here’s what i

want you to do think of something you

are good at think of something you do

better

than the average bear running jumping

acting spreadsheets cooking whatever it

is don’t make it drinking yeah

have a little chat have a little chat

how did you get good at it come on you

got 60 seconds if you’re on your own go

speak to somebody come on

60 seconds tell tell the group what

you’re good at go for it really go for

it what are you good at

what are you good at okay so back to me

listen gents

now so here’s where we are the kind of

things you’re seeing

well i practiced i like doing it after

a lot malcolm gladwell will talk about

ten thousand hours of practice

um i failed a little bit yeah i failed a

little bit

all that kind of stuff that’s the kind

of stuff that you get so here’s the

straightforward thing about

self-confidence ladies and gents

collect skills yeah if you want to

become more self-confident on anything

you collect the skills associated with

that thing

i don’t care how confident you are as a

person if i had a clarinet

up here yeah you’d make a real fool of

yourself if you thought

i can probably play that you wouldn’t

even be able to put it together

if you didn’t know how we went

instrument worked so it’s quite

straightforward

if you want to become more

self-confident at anything

you collect the skills associated with

that thing

take public speaking the thing before

most of everything students at harvard

university were polled they were asked

their biggest fear

public speaking comes up number one

number two is walking into a room full

of strangers and having to introduce

yourself

that’s big fear number two interestingly

big fear number three is snakes

and death is only number six yeah

so think about it if you talk about

public speaking the thing that i do for

a living if you talk about networking

walking into that room full of strangers

we have lots of irrational fears

you collect the skills associated with

that thing and you become more

self-confident

if you have any other way of becoming

more self-confident than that

i would love you to tell me what it is

it’s hard one it takes practice

so if you want to become more

self-confident you collect the skills

associated with that thing

but that’s the easy bubble there’s a

third bubble there’s another bubble

to complete the confidence formula now i

want to see if you can get it before i

put it up there

it’s not as simple as collecting the

skills there’s much more to it than

collecting the skills

so think of that thing you are good at

imagine becoming an expert

in it yeah imagine becoming an expert in

it how do you become

what do you need to do apart from

collect skills if you really want to

become an expert at something you’ve got

30 seconds in your little groups come on

have a little chat about that

what would you put in the third bubble

before i put it there before i complete

the formula

go for it okay

how many of you got it self-awareness

so kissing with confidence we have spent

our lifetimes teaching this

if you want to become more confident in

anything you collect the skills

associated

with that thing and then what you get

is feedback tell the person next to you

how much you love feedback be honest

tell the person next to you how much you

love

instant fierce assertive

direct useful feedback be honest tell

the person next to you go on

go on go on tell a person next year tell

the person next year

okay so back to me

you have to do all three too many of us

collect a few skills

and become a little bit more

self-confident and then we kind of tuck

it so let me tell you a story about a

about a tennis player about a scottish

tennis player

andy murray so when andy murray is

number four in the world he’s 25 years

old he’s got 10 million pounds in the

bank he’s doing

all right for himself his new coach evan

lendl says you’re never going to win a

major randy

the three guys above you have got second

serves are over 100 miles an hour yours

is 80 miles an hour

there’s the data your second serve is

number 150 in the world

it is not possible to win a major

tournament unless you get your second

serve above 100 miles an hour

so come on this is the easiest question

i will ask you tell the people you’ve

been working with

what do you know his return of serve was

as good as the other three guys

his first serve was as good as the other

three guys his court coverage was as

good as the other three guys

you get 10 seconds tell the person next

year what did andy murray have to work

on

in order to have a chance to win a major

and become number one

in the tennis world and bear in mind

nine andy murray is playing a sport

we don’t play in scotland because it’s

always raining and there are only three

red tennis courts go for it what was you

having to work on tell them in 10

seconds tell them to tell your colleague

so you know this lady represents yeah

you know this

andy murray has to work in his second

serve

so it’s really interesting it’s really

interesting

the confidence formula is a little bit

like juggling

it’s a little bit like juggling and it’s

interesting because you know there’s

some juggling balls out there

and you know if you can juggle or you

know if you can’t juggle

so if you can juggle i would like you to

come up in the stage juggle with three

balls i would like you to come up on the

stage

and have a little juggle with me now i

know there are at least two of you hope

you come if you can juggle get yourself

up on the stage or you come up you come

i think that’s john have we got another

one have we got another one

i think we’ve got nick as well let me

come

i hope you get juggling balls as well is

this is it nick is it give me a pause as

he comes up

[Applause]

so these guys can apparently juggle with

three balls i’m gonna i’m gonna take one

ball from you

and i’ll take one ball from you and i

want nick and john to juggle with two

balls

suck now all of you who can juggle with

two balls are thinking they can join the

rubbish at juggling because i can juggle

like that and i’m really good and

they’re kind of doing all this kind of

crap

now here’s what was interesting for me

because they’re so terrible at juggling

with two balls

i know both of these lads can juggle

with three because you have to unlearn

the two ball juggling technique

in order to learn to juggle with three

now as soon as they can juggle with

three

you’re gonna give them a massive round

of applause but only once they do it

three two one guys go for it

so that’s the confidence roger thank you

very much give another applause ladies

and gents

so that’s the confidence formula that is

intense yeah

self-confidence comes from collecting

skills it’s hard one

but if you just do the two-one two-ball

juggler i collect a few skills i went on

a training program or in a leadership

program

i learned to do that a little bit and

then you give up

the self-confidence disappears and

actually one of the reasons we give up

is we get that feedback

you’re not very good at that i don’t

like the way you did that

feedback can be fierce but you learn

from feedback and when you get that

feedback when you get that

self-awareness

it inspires you to go and collect some

more skills as you collect some more

skills guess what

you become more self-confident as you

become more self-confident you accept

the feedback better

you’re with me as you accept the

feedback better you start to crave the

skills

you start to look for the skills you

become more self-confident

as you become more self-confident

eventually yeah

eventually you don’t just look for them

a little bit eventually you find the

best person in the world to give you

feedback

you find the expert and they will give

you feedback and they’ll say you’re

three out of five just now you’re four

out of five to stay

how would you like to be five out of

five ladies and gentlemen the confidence

formula

is about behavior change so the thing i

want to leave you with

i’ve still got loads of things i want to

get better at over the over the pace

yeah

the thing i want to leave you with is if

you become a three-ball juggler

in any of these skills you’re trying to

learn in these abilities you’re trying

to learn

what it means is looking at your

feedback and looking at your

self-awareness being self-aware

and going and collecting those skills

and that feeds your self-confidence

whether it’s

public speaking whether it’s networking

whether it’s your studies

or whether it’s any individual trait

that you want the bad news is it doesn’t

come easily

the good news is with time and patience

and self-awareness and feedback and

collecting those skills

you will become more self-confident

quite literally

anything it’s really got nothing to do

with those seven tequila

slammers enjoy the rest of your day

thanks very much