Why domestic violence victims dont leave Leslie Morgan Steiner

I’m here today to talk about a

disturbing question which has an equally

disturbing answer my topic is the

secrets of domestic violence and the

question I’m going to tackle is the one

question everyone always asks why does

she stay why would anyone stay with a

man who beats her I’m not a psychiatrist

a social worker or an expert in domestic

violence I’m just one woman with a story

to tell I was 22 I had just graduated

from Harvard College I’d moved to New

York City for my first job as a writer

and editor at Seventeen magazine I had

my first apartment my first little green

American Express card and I had a very

big secret my secret was that I had this

gun loaded with hollow-point bullets

pointed at my head by the man who I

thought was my soul mate many many times

the man who I loved more than anybody on

earth held a gun to my head and

threatened to kill me more times than I

can even remember I’m here to tell you

the story of crazy love a psychological

trap disguised as love one that millions

of women and even a few men fall into

every year it may even be your story I

don’t look like a typical domestic

violence survivor I have a BA in English

from Harvard College an MBA in marketing

from Wharton Business School I spent

most of my career working for fortune

500 companies including Johnson &

Johnson Leo Burnett and the Washington

Post I’ve been married for almost 20

years to my second husband and we have

three kids together

my dog is a black lab and I Drive a

Honda Odyssey minivan

so my first message for you is that

domestic violence happens to everyone

all races all religions all income and

education levels it’s everywhere and my

second message is that everyone thinks

domestic violence happens to women that

it’s a women’s issue not exactly over

85% of abusers are men and domestic

abuse happens only in intimate

interdependent long-term relationships

in other words in families

the last place we would want or expect

to find violence which is one reason

domestic abuse is so confusing I would

have told you myself that I was the last

person on earth who would stay with a

man who beats me but in fact I was a

very typical victim because of my age I

was 22 and in the United States women

ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

to be domestic violence victims as women

of other ages and over 500 women and

girls this age are killed every year by

abusive partners boyfriends and husbands

in the United States I was also a very

typical victim because I knew nothing

about domestic violence its warning

signs or its patterns I met Connor on a

cold rainy January night he sat next to

me on the New York City subway and he

started chatting me up he told me two

things one was that he too had just

graduated from an Ivy League school and

that he worked at a very impressive Wall

Street bank but what made the biggest

impression on me that first meeting was

that he was smart and funny and he

looked like a farm boy he had these big

cheeks these big apple cheeks and this

wheat blonde hair and he seemed so sweet

one of the smartest things Conner did

from the very beginning was to create

the illusion that I was the dominant

partner in the relationship he did this

especially at the beginning by idolizing

me

we started dating and he loved

everything about me that I was smart

that I’d gone to Harvard that I was

passionate about helping teenage girls

and my job he wanted to know everything

about my family and my childhood my

hopes and dreams

Connor believed in me as a writer and a

woman in a way that no one else ever had

and he also created a magical atmosphere

of trust between us by confessing his

secret which was that as a very young

boy starting at age four he had been

savagely and repeatedly physically

abused by his stepfather

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he

had had to drop out of school in eighth

grade even though he was very smart and

he’d spent almost 20 years rebuilding

his life which is why that Ivy League

degree and the wall street job and his

bright shiny future meant so much to him

if you had told me that this smart funny

sensitive man who adored me would one

day dictate whether or not I wore makeup

how short my skirts were where I lived

what jobs I took who my friends were and

where I spent Christmas I would have

laughed at you because there was not a

hint of violence or control or anger in

Connor at the beginning I didn’t know

that the first stage in any domestic

violence relationship is to seduce and

charm the victim I also didn’t know that

the second step is to isolate the victim

now Connor did not come home one day and

announce you know hey there’s all this

Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great

but I need to move into the next phase

where I isolate you and I abuse you

so I need to get you out of this

apartment where the neighbors can hear

you scream and out of this city where

you have friends and family and

co-workers who can see the bruises

instead Connor came home one Friday

evening and he told me that he had quit

his job that day his dream job and he

said that he had quit his job because of

me

because I had made him feel so safe and

loved that he didn’t need to prove

himself on Wall Street anymore and he

just wanted to get out of this city and

away from his abusive dysfunctional

family and moved to a tiny town in New

England where he could start his life

over with me by his side now the last

thing I wanted to do was leave New York

and my my dream job but I thought you

made sacrifices for your soulmate so I

agreed and I quit my job and Connor and

I left Manhattan together I had no idea

I was falling into crazy love that I was

walking headfirst into a carefully laid

physical financial and psychological

trap the next step in the domestic

violence pattern is to introduce the

threat of violence and see how she

reacts and here’s where those guns come

in as soon as we move to New England you

know that place where Connor was

supposed to feel so safe he bought three

guns he kept one in the glove

compartment of our car he kept one under

the pillows on our bed and the third one

he kept in his pocket at all times

and he said that he needed those guns

because of the trauma he’d experienced

as a young boy he needed them to feel

protected but those guns were really a

message for me and even though he hadn’t

raised a hand to me my life was already

in grave danger every minute of every

day

Connor first physically attacked me five

days before our wedding it was 7:00 a.m.

I still had on my nightgown I was

working on my computer trying to finish

a freelance writing

Simon and I got frustrated and Connor

used my anger as an excuse to put both

of his hands around my neck and to

squeeze so tightly that I could not

breathe or scream and he used the

chokehold to hit my head repeatedly

against the wall five days later the ten

bruises on my neck had just faded and I

put on my mother’s wedding dress and I

married him despite what had happened I

was sure we were gonna live happily ever

after because I loved him and he loved

me so much and he was very very sorry he

had just been really stressed out by the

wedding and by becoming a family with me

it was an isolated incident and he was

never gonna hurt me again

it happened twice more on the honeymoon

the first time I was driving to find a

secret beach and I got lost and he

punched me in the side of my head so

hard that the other side of my head

repeatedly hit the driver’s side window

and then a few days later driving home

from our honeymoon he got frustrated by

traffic and he threw a cold big Mack in

my face

Connor proceeded to beat me once or

twice a week for the next two and a half

years of our marriage I was mistaken in

thinking that I was unique and alone in

this situation one in three American

women experiences domestic violence or

stalking at some point in her life and

the CDC reports that 15 million children

are abused every year 15 million so

actually I was in very good company back

to my question why did I stay the answer

is easy I didn’t know he was abusing me

even though he held those loaded guns to

my head pushed me downstairs threatened

to kill our dog pulled the key out of

the car ignition as I drove down the

highway poured coffee grinds on my head

as I dressed for a job interview

I never once thought of myself as a

battered wife instead I was a very

strong woman in love with a deeply

troubled man and I was the only person

on earth who could help Connor face his

demons the other question everybody asks

is why doesn’t she just leave

why didn’t I walk out I could have left

any time to me this is the saddest and

most painful question that people ask

because we victims know something you

usually don’t it’s incredibly dangerous

to leave an abuser because the final

step in the domestic violence pattern is

kill her

over 70% of domestic violence murders

happen after the victim has ended the

relationship after she’s gotten out

because then the abuser has nothing left

to lose other outcomes include long term

stalking even after the abuser remarries

denial of financial resources and

manipulation of the family court system

to terrify the victim and her children

who are regularly forced by Family Court

judges to spend unsupervised time with

the man who beat their mother and still

we ask why doesn’t she just leave I was

able to leave because of one final

sadistic beating that broke through my

denial I realized that the man who I

loved so much was going to kill me if I

let him so I broke the silence I told

everyone the police my neighbor’s my

friends and family total strangers and

I’m here today because you all helped me

we tend to stereotype victims as grisly

headlines self-destructive women damaged

goods the question why does she stay is

code for some people for

it’s her fault for saying as if victims

intentionally choose to fall in love

with men intent upon destroying us

but since publishing crazy love

I have heard hundreds of stories from

men and women who also got out who

learned an invaluable life lesson from

what happened and who rebuilt lives

joyous happy lives as employees wives

and mothers lives completely free of

violence like me because it turns out

that I’m actually a very typical

domestic violence victim and a typical

domestic violence survivor i remarried a

kind and gentle man we have those three

kids I have that black lab and I have

that minivan what I will never have

again ever is a loaded gun held to my

head by someone who says that he loves

me now right now maybe you’re thinking

wow this is fascinating or wow how

stupid was she but this whole time I’ve

actually been talking about you I

promise you there are several people

listening to me right now who are

currently being abused or who were

abused as children or who are abusers

themselves

abuse could be affecting your daughter

your sister your best friend right now I

was able to end my own crazy love story

by breaking the silence I’m still

breaking the silence today it’s my way

of helping other victims and it’s my

final request of you talk about what you

heard here abuse thrives only in silence

you have the power to end domestic

violence simply by shining a spotlight

on it we victims need everyone we need

every one of you to understand the

secrets of domestic

violence show abuse the light of day by

talking about it with your children your

co-workers your friends and family

recast survivors as a wonderful loveable

people with full futures recognize the

early signs of violence and

conscientiously intervene deescalate it

show victims a safe way out together we

can make our beds our dinner tables and

our families the safe and peaceful oasis

they should be thanked