How to Strike a breakthrough conversation.
let me ask you
how many of you last seven days have had
a deep soulful conversation with
somebody who you love
15 years back
in the silicon valley
a top executive of microsoft
he was bragging how they are going to
dominate the market
you remember those days we had
smartphones like these the small screen
and that was not the first conversation
the listener
was strong he felt challenged next day
he went back to his work
called all the associates had a
conversation
that changed the course of the world
in 2007
a new device was introduced
this device changed the course of
humanity the kind of progress we made in
the last 1500 years
that was equated in last 15 years
and what has that led to
does this remind you of your living room
conversations
let me share some startling facts with
you
cigna is a health services company in
the us
they did a study and found out
46 american they feel
lonely sometimes or always
two out of five americans
to be precise 43 approximately
they don’t find their relationship
meaningfully
let’s move to the east in 2018
in the uk government had to appoint a
minister
of loneliness to take care of
nine million people who were not cured
enough
let’s come back home
neymar’s published a study in 2015-16
and that study says 13.5
of young adults in india in the age
group of
13 to 17 years
they need serious interventions
and those who are in the age group of
40 to 49 i got something for you as well
18.4 of them have serious disorders
by the time you wake up in the morning
tomorrow
381 people would have committed suicide
somewhere in the country
is where we stand why
because we have forgotten the art of
having soulful
deep conversations
i as a coach i have the privilege of
getting deep into the lives of people
and privy to the information few others
have
if your child your sibling or your
spouse
gets on a call with me in all likelihood
they are going to share the secrets
if you get to know you will be shattered
people who will love to be careful
they don’t share the information with us
they don’t confide with us so i did a
study
of my clients who i work with
and i’ve got to know there are three
reasons
people don’t share information with you
the first one
they’re afraid of judgment punishment or
being
second they fail you don’t offer them
space you can’t understand them
and you will not be accepting them
they are not sure if they confide with
you
you are going to keep that to yourself
so i started thinking how to solve this
problem
because conversation is the key to
breakthroughs
and i found out
the tower of breakthrough rests on three
pillars
number one love and care
number two space for
vulnerability
and number three confidentiality
how can we create that into our life
whenever i have conversation with people
most of them they come to me and say
that
nobody can understand me i’m not talking
about
ordinary people i’m talking about the
cxos of love multi-billion dollar
corporations
they have this complaint
imagine the state of the people who are
not accountable
so how can we get that let’s talk about
love and care university of
utah did a study
and found out
when the listener doesn’t pay attention
the speaker struggles
our important conversations happen when
we are watching netflix
or texture one more while
what can you do
how can you show your love and care
by giving the gift of your absolute
friend
how to do that
francis frey she is a professor at
harvard university
she has an advice for you
she says
you should take time to reflect
when where
and who you’re likely to offer
the agony of the distractions
when you do that
that will give you some level of
awareness
and when you are aware that will create
you
create an opportunity for you to work on
every week i have a few life altering
conversations
and when i do that i not just turn off
my mobile phone i
show it inside the drawer
if the conversation is over the
telephone or mobile phone
and the computer screen is on before me
i turn off the screen
sometimes i even turn off the ac and
fan in the room
because i don’t want to miss
those small nuances
of emotion i don’t want to miss
the incomplete sentences i don’t want to
miss
the process
because the secret of conversation deep
conversation
lies in what’s unsaid
recently a book came you are not
listening
interesting book written by kate murphy
she suggests
when people feel
known and appreciated they’re more
likely to share with
when i have sensitive conversations
with the people right in the beginning i
tell them that
the intent of this conversation is to
serve you
i am not going to judge you from what me
you are free to share whatever you like
the more access you give me to your
world
the better i shall be able to help
you
that lets them
and when they share
my tone my face
my pitch
gives them give them assurance
that how deeply i mean
so now you know what to do
let me tell you what you should stop
doing
i have a question for married men here
you see that your wife is upset
you want to inquire
you go out and ask
when you ask this how many of you are
likely to get this response
okay okay
when we ask direct questions when we
interrogate
that hardly helps so if you want to
have a deep conversation stop asking
questions starting with these words
barry who was the chief interrogator of
cia in the u.s
he says interrogation was the least
effective way to get the truth
so instead
you should warp up that mod here
start with a common graph
then deepen the engagement
and then advance the conversation to the
level you want
some of the most insightful
conversations i had with my son was
when we were on cycling trips to go
at least once a week on a cycling trail
on a walk or a long drive with the
people who you allow
these acts create the perfect atmosphere
for
sensitive sharing
when you are performing these acts you
don’t maintain eye contact
that makes it comfortable
for the speaker to share you
when people are assured that what you
share with them
that’s not going to be leaked
then that gives them confidence
to confide
all of us know this
but how many times somebody can find us
something really serious with you
while talking with your spouse or a
close relative or the casual
conversation with your friend
you end up revealing and
how can you avoid those clips
act like apple
what does apple do
business insider published an article
that says
apple is notoriously known as one of the
most secretive
tight-lipped
apple accomplishes this by closely
monitoring workspaces and even
requiring employees to cover up their
devices
with a black globe
if you are suspected of leaking
information there are serious
consequences
it’s heard that they have even hired
fbi and nsa officers to investigate you
so whenever
you feel sleepy
you feel like giving away the
information what somebody confided with
you
think as if steve jobs is watching you
imagine what would be the consequences
imagine a world when a child
was stuck in a drug racket and he comes
to his father and confines to that
he could be protected
imagine a world
when your spouse slips in a relationship
and she confines that with you so that
you could
help us save the marriage
imagine the world
when your client shares all the
quotations with you so that you could
give him the
best deal and he continues working with
you
when that happens
you will create breakthroughs
every day and together
we can make this place make this planet
a delightful place
you