The Road to Having a Tough Conversation

hey guys

there’s something that i need to talk to

you about

i just want you to know that whatever

i’m about to say

or whatever i’m about to bring up we

could be mature about it

because i don’t want there to be any

animosity between us afterward

now i will listen to whatever you have

to say after this but i hope that you

can listen to me as well

so how was that were you ready to hear

something that may have been difficult

to hear

did you feel comfortable with us

starting a conversation that may be hard

to have

well i hope you did because i want to

have a conversation with you

about how to have a tough conversation i

believe the most important part to any

relationship whether it’s

with a parent a friend or significant

other is conversation

when you have to tell your parents that

you got an awful grade in school or you

have to tell a friend they’ve been

drinking too much and it’s becoming a

problem and affecting their health

or if you see someone making a racist

comment and knowing it’s wrong

or even if you have to break up with

someone none of these conversations are

easy

but they are necessary so i thought it

would be nice for you and i to sit down

have our own conversation maybe go for a

drive

is it okay if i drive i kinda need the

practice right now

so what were we talking about oh right

i’m gonna tell you a story but first

seat belt

this story begins a couple of months ago

and my friends and i were having a very

interesting conversation

it was the first time that we truly

disagreed on something that wasn’t just

a tiny little topic debate

we started the conversation off on text

right off the bat that wasn’t a good

idea

words got misinterpreted and everything

immediately escalated

we were all in positions where we

thought we were right and we were barely

listening to each other we decided to go

on facetime and actually talk

if you’re going to have a hard

conversation with someone no matter who

it is it should be face to face

it allows for a better exchange of

information since both speaker

and listener are able to interpret body

language and facial expressions

a study from harvard business review had

shown that if someone wanted to make a

request to their boss

asking face to face is 34 times more

successful than asking through an email

so we all set our points and i’m not

gonna lie we all got very mad at each

other

there was yelling confrontation hurtful

personal comments and a whole lot of

chaos

there were most definitely tears shed

but the main takeaway was that as soon

as we got on facetime

face to face and said what we needed to

say and had that conversation

we were able to understand each other i

want to say this was like a speed bump

for us

it was necessary a little hard to get

over but it was there for a reason

the conversation ended up growing our

friendship and even brought us closer

i know it sounds corny but it happened

having conversations

no matter how hard it is is the most

important part to any relationship

should i turn left or right right okay

i’m sure we’ve all experienced something

similar to my story

sometimes people will do this

subconsciously but the first thing that

you have to do is acknowledge the fact

that you have to have a hard

conversation

the thing with hard conversations is

that you just have to face that you’re

about to say something that may be

difficult to hear

you not only have to tell yourself that

this conversation is necessary but you

have to let the person that you’re about

to talk to know that they’re about to

hear something that may be difficult to

hear

the last thing you want to do is spring

on this huge topic and not prepare them

first

here’s a scenario you’re telling your

parents that you got a really bad mark

on a test

mom dad

i need to talk to you this is really

difficult for me to bring up to you

because i feel embarrassed

but i knew that you would find out

anyways

i got a really bad mark on my math test

and just like that

you’ve prepared them for the bad news

whoever you’re about to have a tough

conversation with

whether it’s hard for them to hear it or

hard for you to say it you should be

prepared

and you should prepare them no one wants

a conversation like this to be sprung on

to them all of a sudden

right so back to my story we ended up

understanding each other

and i feel like the reason we got to do

that is because we set ground rules

we knew that there was potential for

someone to get upset and knowing that we

had to make sure we didn’t cross a line

where that would happen

you can kind of think of them like rules

of the road

stop sign almost missed that my good

friend oprah said that a way to set

ground rules is by saying

let’s not call names let’s not swear

throw things

whatever no name calling whatever your

ground rules might be

okay i don’t want you getting mad

no matter what i say i don’t want us to

yell at each other or personally hurt

each other

okay here goes nothing

oprah’s not really my good friend

i’m gonna make a left turn here oh look

there’s my old school

i’ve had to have a lot of hard

conversations there from broken

friendships to talking to teachers about

a bad grade but the worst

by far were the ones where i had to talk

about racism and sexism

there are so many people out there who

don’t necessarily have the same

opinions and thought patterns that i do

that lots of us do

some people believe that making a brown

joke or a black joke is not racist

now don’t get me wrong everyone’s

allowed to have their own opinion but we

can agree to disagree on pizza toppings

not human rights when you’re in a

conversation with someone or an argument

you do always have to listen to their

side in their opinion

one of the biggest mistakes made when

having a tough conversation is not

listening to the other person

so many people will blank out on what

the other person is saying and will try

to formulate their thoughts instead of

listening

kind of like when someone will try to

text while driving they’re distracted so

they’re not paying attention to what

really matters

the road every time i’ve had to have a

conversation with someone about how

women can be just as strong as men and

how it doesn’t matter what color your

skin is we all deserve the same rights

and freedoms

i’ve had to listen to the other side as

well don’t necessarily agree with the

other side

but i’ve had to listen a heavy

conversation can come up at any time

you could just be hanging out with your

friends when one of them makes a joke

about women’s rights and sexual assaults

thinking it’s funny

now thankfully this has never happened

to me but it has happened to so many

other people

when you come across a friend who you

thought cared just as much about human

rights as you do

and then you hear them make a racist

sexist or homophobic comment

it’s like whiplash you slam on the

brakes

your body jerks forward your heart sinks

and the blood rushes to your head

it’s unexpected but you know that if you

didn’t care about them you wouldn’t be

saying anything

after you get whiplash they put you in a

neck brace to brace yourself for the

recovery

so in this situation you have to brace

yourself for this conversation

there are five stages of discrimination

and it all starts with stereotypes

it has to stop there too there’s a time

to call people out

and there’s a time to call people in now

is the time to call them in

to the conversation and call them out

for what they’ve said

the hardest thing to do is to stand up

to someone you love someone you care

about

it is difficult to advocate for yourself

and someone else

but it’s also extremely important

because it’s the first step to educating

them

most people say that practicing to drive

in a parking lot is much easier than on

the road

i completely disagree i personally think

the parking lots are terrifying

mostly because of a couple little

hiccups from when i’ve been in one

however once your drive is over you have

to park it’s sort of inevitable

just like how you have to end your

conversation a topic may come up in the

future where you’d have to put your

newfound conversational skills to work

but just because the journey is coming

to an end doesn’t mean that the car will

never move again

it won’t stay in park forever now

remember

the best way to park a car or end a

conversation is to face forward

looking ahead into the future the best

part about it is that when you have to

get back in the car

or have another hard conversation you

don’t have the option to back

out you just have to drive ahead and go

for it

thank you