Black Gay Christian Creating Affirming Spaces

i was a senior in high school

and an active member of my church’s

youth group

i was a kid who was always in church

when the doors of the church were open

i sang in the choir i preached sermons

i taught bible studies i loved

god and i knew that god loved me

those two things were never in conflict

or

in question but i also knew that if my

faith community

ever really saw me in my fullness that

the love that i had for god

and the love that god had for me would

be in question

one day i decided to have a conversation

with one of our youth leaders

i walked into his office with a certain

sense of uncertainty

not exactly sure how this conversation

was about to go

and without any introduction or

disclaimer

i said words to him that i had never

said to anyone else

i think i’m gay

silence i could see his eyes as he was

searching the room

for the right words to say he was not

prepared for this moment

he had not been trained for such a time

as this

and with a false sense of confidence

he said to me words that would affect my

life for the next

two decades he said now noah

you’ve got a very simple choice to make

you can either choose god’s purpose

and plan for your life or you can

selfishly choose to be gay

once again silence

in that moment i made the impossible and

unnecessary decision

to choose god two years later i was

licensed and ordained in the baptist

church

and i began my career in my ministry

and full-time work with the church

where i served god and god’s people

all the while suffering and silence

but i’m really glad that my story

doesn’t stop there so

let me be clear about one thing right

off the bat

i am a gay black christian

who deeply believes that none of those

things are in conflict

or in question

historically and traditionally the

blacks black spaces in general

and the black church specifically have

not been places that have been open and

affirming for individuals within the

lgbtq plus community

systematically we have fallen behind on

issues of liberation theology

in a way that is both problematic and

harmful

now i know what you may be thinking my

church welcomes

everybody or you may even be thinking

that noah you know we got gay people at

our church

and both of those things are likely true

but we must not confuse welcoming

with affirming welcoming is defined

as behaving in a polite or friendly way

to a guest or new arrival affirming

is defined as the act of upholding

one’s worthiness and value as an

individual

do you see the difference welcoming says

you can come and you can have a seat

and you’re welcome here but affirming

says

that we systematically uphold the

essence of who you are

and not only are you welcome here but we

value you showing up and your fullness

and you showing up as your fullness is

what this community in space needs

we must go deeper when it comes to being

affirming communities

did you know that lgbtq plus individuals

are three times more likely to deal with

depression

and two times more likely to have

attempted suicide

by the age of 25.

these are alarming statistics

allow me to put a little reality on that

i myself on two very specific occasions

thought that suicide was a legitimate

and better choice

i was loved i was welcomed but i did not

feel affirmed

i always felt like my popularity was

always always came

with an asterisk because if people

really saw me

if they really knew me would they still

be able

to affirm me this is not the way

that it should be even still there are

folks who are listening to this talk now

who are questioning whether

i have been called by god so let me

be clear once again god has called me

and god has affirmed me and i would

suggest that we all

keep up the reality is that being an

affirming person

in affirming communities is hard

it requires rethinking it requires

relearning

and critical conversations that are not

easy

or quick but let me be clear

once again being affirming could be the

difference

between life and death

i believe that the black church and

black spaces has an opportunity

to rectify this situation and we can do

this

with just a little old-fashioned tlc

we need to talk we need to listen

and we need to celebrate first we need

to talk about

all the elephants in all of the rooms

we need to talk about how toxic

masculinity

patriarchy and misogyny have paved the

way

for homophobia we need to talk and we

need to talk

about how we have used scripture as a

means to silence voices

rather than to liberate them we need to

talk

about why we have adopted the philosophy

of don’t ask

don’t tell and even more we need to talk

about how harmful the statement is

love the sinner and hate the sin to

individuals within the lgbtq plus

community

we need to talk and we need to talk

seriously

honestly openly and critically

we need to talk because talking is the

first step

in healing the wounds for those of us

who have been silenced

for so long but we can’t stop at talking

we also need to listen but we need to

listen from the perspective

of learning not that cute listening

where we say oh that was great thanks

for sharing

but we need to listen from the

perspective of learning

something new when was the last time you

sat down with someone who didn’t have

the same opinion as you

and listened from a perspective of

learning

there are liberation theologians who

have done the work

and we should learn from them we are not

assumed that our interpretation

is the only one and we shouldn’t make

the assumption

that we’re always right we should listen

from a perspective

of learning but we should also celebrate

the lives and testimonies of lgbtq plus

individuals can you imagine how much

love someone must have for god and his

people

to show up to a place week after week

knowing that they can’t show up in their

fullness

there are some powerful stories and

testimonies

that we need to celebrate

i believe that at the root of our fear

of being open and affirming is our love

for binary choices

we love to place things into one box or

another

gay or christian the reality is

god is not asking anyone to choose

between being gay or christian

so we should stop doing that ourselves

i’m struck by how easy it was for my

youth leader to give me this choice

but i’m even more struck by how easy it

was

for me to accept it just recently i

got a message from an old acquaintance

that i frankly don’t even remember how

we

were originally connected and he was

congratulating me on this opportunity

but told me that he would love to have a

conversation with me

about this whole idea of the lgbtq plus

community

and the church i told him i’d be

delighted to do so

but then he said something very peculiar

he said

now noah i need you to understand that

i’m going to be coming from a

perspective of a christian

in this conversation

i responded well i am a licensed and

ordained minister

i am in the last semester of seminary i

have been

preaching and teaching for most of my

adult life

so i assure you that i too will be

coming from

a perspective of a christian

and his response was well that surprises

me

conversation was ended

you see his retort to homosexuality was

going to be

oh but christianity

binaries i’m happy to report that

just yesterday i got another message

from this same friend

and he was apologizing for our previous

conversation

he said he looked me up a little more

and come to find out i really was a

christian in my head i was thinking

what in the world in my heart i was

thinking okay that’s great

and then he said that he would love to

have a follow-up conversation with me

about this thing about the church

and homosexuality he wasn’t quite there

but he wanted to learn more

you see sometimes all it takes is one

conversation

to begin to help us to reimagine

what we can be and i hope that this talk

will help us to do exactly that

because i imagine a space where lgbtq

plus individuals

don’t have to hide their partners or

pretend like they’re their roommates or

their best friends

but that their love can be celebrated

like the love of everyone else

i imagine a space where we don’t just

use the gifts

of our lgbtq plus members but we also

celebrate their livelihood

as well i imagine a space where masks

are needed

and hiding wasn’t expected

i may never speak in a traditional

church again

so let me say this to my black gay

christians

i see you i affirm you

you are needed you are valuable and you

belong

god loves you and you love god

and if you’ve never heard anyone say

this in your faith community

let me be the first i love you

just the way you are

black gay

and christian amen