Connection with the Enemy

[Applause]

a friend from the military

used to say that people suck until we

get to know him and we laugh because on

some level

we recognize the truth in those words

hidden in our laughter is the root of

our problem

what does it mean to know someone how do

we go from a

disconnected world filled with fear and

isolation

to one that’s filled with joy and a true

sense of belonging

technology allows us to have hundreds of

friends

on social media and that does seem like

the answer

until we face crisis but it’s in those

times of crisis that we realize

that real connection is what matters

genuine deep intense connection

is essential not only for our survival

but our capacity to create vital lives

that are worth living to connect with

our vitality

we must expose ourselves to the core

imagine that you’re in one of the worst

places on earth

in that place you’ll know fear

you’ll constantly be looking over your

shoulder because there are groups

actively trying to kill you you’ll

experience

mind twisting stress and feel loss so

deep and overwhelming

that something inside of you snaps

in that place roughly a quarter of your

teammates will be killed

by an enemy that you cannot see

what keeps you going and what keeps you

safe is the person next to you

for months you’re almost never more than

an arm’s length away from your teammates

in that proximity and pressure you form

bonds

so deep and powerful that you

consciously choose

to risk your lives for each other

this was fallujah iraq in 2006

where i deployed as a member of the

navy’s bomb squad

i came home from that deployment and

found myself back in san diego

california

the san diego area is home to numerous

military installations and

tens of thousands of troops to celebrate

my return

some friends invited me to dinner and of

course they wanted to know how things

went in fallujah

a woman i didn’t know asked fallujah

i clarified that i had been deployed to

iraq

to which she responded iraq

are we still there

not only were we still there but

casualties were spiking

and the us would soon deploy thousands

more troops and extend deployments to a

year and a half

what i couldn’t understand was what we

did she feel at the end of the dinner

when she said

thank you for your service not having

asked what that service cost

why was she thanking me

real connection is more than exchanging

pleasantries

it’s more than accepting friend requests

or tapping like

on social media real connection

is knowing someone so intimately that

you see the good

the bad the bizarre

the ugly real connection

is letting your someone see and know the

same things

about you

i remember being outside of fallujah

and watching my friend get blown apart

by a roadside bomb

i remember how our security marines took

special care of what was left of him

so that my team leader and i

wouldn’t need to put our friend in a

body bag

i remember the gentle way in which these

battle-hardened men

gave my team leader and i space

and silence as we laid our friend on the

ground outside of mortuary affairs

they were so connected to our pain they

knew without words

that we wanted some semblance of privacy

to say goodbye

there’s a special power that comes when

you connect with someone at such a deep

level

the willingness to connect in such raw

and intense ways

is what has bonded one person to another

throughout countless calamities

the pain of losing my friend was so

intense that while i tried to

compartmentalize it

to stay focused on the ever-increasing

danger some part of me desperately

needed someone from home to understand

i wrote a trusted friend about what i

was facing and my fears that i too would

come home in a bag

what i repeatedly received in return

were emails

about how great the weather was at first

i thought

she must not understand so he used more

and more direct language

until finally asking outright why she

wasn’t acknowledging my pain and fear

and after such direct confrontation

well the weather was still great

in san diego

what’s strange is that a deep sense of

connection is not reserved

only for those we know and like in

contrast

to the experience i had with my friend i

sensed a greater connection with the

enemy in iraq

someone i never even met someone who not

only tried to kill me

but did kill my friends

the enemy and i understood what life and

death

were all about and people back home

just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand

why create raw and intense connection

in that space we express humanity’s

greatest evolutionary gift

the ability to share in what another

person is feeling and that

can save lives last year i went back to

san diego to visit one of my best

friends from the military

and the trip was great but

i’ve been keeping a secret from my

friend for years

i had been too ashamed to share with him

that for years

i had been close to killing myself

i shared this with him and he didn’t shy

away he dug

in hard he organized help and rallied a

group of friends

who flew across the country to support

me

my vulnerability and our ability to

share in the pain that i was feeling

are the reasons that i’m still here

as a performance coach i work with

executives who pride themselves on their

ability to

be self-sufficient and wall themselves

off

yet every single one of them has

experienced tremendous benefits

in their health career success family

life

when they open up

by leaning into connection they achieve

the power

to overcome their greatest challenges

the next time you see someone in uniform

don’t just thank them for their service

ask them about their fears ask them what

it’s like to be deployed

over and over until their children do

not recognize them

ask them what it’s like to have every

instinct that was so right in combat

be so wrong at home

be curious and open don’t shy away

because

you don’t know what to say in your

relationships

don’t accept busy or all good when you

ask someone how they are

really dig to tap into how that person

is feeling

learn to express humanity’s greatest

evolutionary gift

with you or someone

feel the power of their emotion and feel

what it registers inside you

then expose your true self

share your hopes and fears and let them

feel the same thing

create genuine deep

intense connection and experience

the vital life that’s worth living

[Applause]

you