Dancing Beyond Identity

my name

is christopher gurusami and i’m a

buddhist nigerian dancer

now straight away many of you have

decided that because i’m a dancer

i must be effeminate gay or pansy

you could believe that what i do is old

and creative and boring

that only girls dance or you think that

i dress up like a girl when i perform

maybe you’re trying to figure out if i’m

catholic or hindu maybe an

atheist or a brahmana or if i’m donald

or not indian

or maybe i’m a foreigner or which one of

my parents is the

brown one now some of these things

might be true and some of them false

and in reality none of it matters

because

through my dance i’ve learned who i am

i’ve learned not to be afraid because

well why should i be

most of you might have heard about

bharatnatyam and have possibly seen

it and no i’m not talking about the

dancing in that movie chennai express

some of you might have avoided and have

been scarred through watching

bad performances of endless outer

natures and look

fair because like most things

when it’s bad it’s bad but when it’s

good it’s a

whole different story there’s been a

long debate about boys and dance and i

feel like it’s done

where boys we dance get used to it

but what does it mean to be a boy who

dances better than i do today

it’s very important for me to

acknowledge the privilege that i have

both economically and socially and with

the able body that i have

this is talk from my point of view and

from my understanding

because dance is my life dance has been

my companion my entire life

my english mother learned bharathanatyam

who was a student of my tamil paternal

aunt in the language of khalakshetra

this is in perth western australia

my mom met my father through dance

and after they got married my mother

danced with me through her pregnancy

and straight after having me we both

went back to dance class

though i was an observer i quickly

became a student

and when i turned 18 in 2005 i came to

india

to try to learn to dance in kalakshetra

and 15 years later

here i am talking to you about what i

love

i’ve always danced and if it wasn’t part

of an item it was jazz

or tap or gymnastics i even tried irish

dancing once

because all i wanted to do was dance

growing up in australia as a child i

would put on a full performance with

my barbies very little notice i would

dress myself

in a dance costume for any visitor that

came to our house

my friends in primary school were the

girls from my dance class

and out of a thousand plus students in

my high school i was the only boy

to choose down to the subject now was i

bullied

in school for being a brown family

dancer

bet i was but what if i had listened to

the bullies on the playground

growing up oh you know to some of my

teachers in college and in schools

maybe if i thought you know what

everyone’s right bollywood and jazz is

so much more exciting than better than i

do

i might have not i might not have had

the guts to be here today because it

takes a lot of

balls to be a male dancer the form like

many styles of dance in india has its

own unique texts and treaties

but what’s very special is the artistic

musical legacy that comes with the form

that we have by the hereditary community

of artists

right now is a very important time in

the dance world

and it’s necessary for us to to listen

to the voices of these hereditary

artists from these marginalized

communities

you know as they share their views in

helping us understand the past

where the form comes from and the

continuing

invisibilization of these voices and

their art

now when you dance a large component of

the form is a motive which we call

abhinaya we explore through these texts

a myriad of human emotions and

relationships

where the gods we venerate in temples

become friends

kings become lovers and friends become

the deliverers of messages

through these songs that are three to

four hundred years old

we can try to explain to krishna how

much our friends find in love with him

we can accuse murder of infidelity and

tell him to leave at once

we can tell lord shiva how in love with

him we are in this very room

and request baby to show us grace and

mercy

for us dancers the gods become tangible

the spirit of the lyrics is so beautiful

in their simplicity

and allowing the dancer to really find

themselves within each of the stories

that we have

though through the pieces though the

piece of the

female first-person narratives

predominantly i believe they’re so much

more they’re

more feminine in spirit rather than

practice

for me when i take away these

romanticized ideas you know the gods the

kings

the hand gestures and facial expressions

the costumes and the jewelry

the talents is really about

relationships and in many ways the

yearning of the human soul

for love and acceptance i look at these

pieces

as an opportunity to explore the human

experience

you know as a male dancer who learns and

practices and performs these

compositions

it’s actually a lot to wrap your mind

around

for me as an nri i not only choose to

understand what a woman could feel like

in a particular situation

she has an indian and tone a notion to

fit the time of the peace and do justice

to the message

but how do i do this how do i find my

truth in the peace simultaneously during

performance

for me life and the experiences of my

journey in many ways seem

almost half lived as i go through

emotions i also try to

to store how i feel in that moment for

example

killing my nephew for the first time

open my mind to understanding what

unconditional love of a mother

like your shoulder could have being hurt

by love and lovers are wounds that i

sometimes have to

open up to relive the experiences to

make the experience for myself and the

audience to be you know

true but the greatest joy is being in

love and

understanding how that feeling can

radiate through your entire being

this is the foundation of emotion for me

and then

it takes me to bigger and a harder step

how do i become this neighbor which is

pretty much the same as

what does it mean to be a woman

as a cisgendered man i have to

understand the tightrope

that is understanding and embodying

rather than perpetuating over

exaggerated false stereotypes

from what i’ve understood it’s about

it’s about embodying what a woman

is intent plays such a huge role

in deciding and negotiating these ideas

but what i’ve always been baffled by was

this idea that women aren’t equal to men

women surpass men in my opinion i’m so

lucky to have been raised educated and

befriended

by so many women throughout my life that

the idea that they could be lesser

makes absolutely no sense to me

there have been two women in my

downstream really

influenced and helped shape my dance

ideology the first is lever samson

i was fortunate to be in kalakshetra

during her tenure as director and was a

member of spun the dance company for

five years

which was almost like an incubation

period for me

i got to watch her and process and

create i brought my approach to dance

made me view what i had learned in a new

and

interesting way and brother bessel who

i’ve learned from for

almost a decade and i continued training

with she opened my eyes

to the poetry of dance and is someone

who guides and shares rather than

teachers

these and so many women have continued

to make me feel strong

and i feel lucky that through dance i

get to explore the intricacies of

of the feminine and in turn you know

what it is to be a badass

but at the same time apparently it’s

extremely simple

i asked one of my dance heroes a

lakshman

who really ted he treads this tight bro

with ease

one moment needs another and the next

second is krishna i said one day

anna how do you do it how do you lose

yourself in composition

now i thought this was a profound

question and waited a profound statement

he looked at me and he said you have

lyrics

you do them

why should i be afraid of anyone let

them talk

is this love some secret for them to

hide if i love him

and he loves me then why should be

anyone’s prerogative to say

anything let them talk it is my luck

that i’ve gotten to be with him i’ve

accepted it willingly

how can i hide this love it’s like

trying to squeeze an elephant through a

door

impossible why should i be afraid of

anyone’s words

these are the words of my favorite piece

and the central idea of this talk

a thermal pattern of mother and covey in

bangor from the 18th century

i honestly believe in many ways it’s as

true today as it was then

here the nayaka the protagonist was

walking to meet her lover the king of

this town

noticing others gossiping about her she

cares very little about their opinions

and

clearly states to her friend and anyone

who’s in

earshot now that’s a total badass the

idea

is similar to so many pop songs that we

listen to today

this and so many puzzles in japanese are

modern in notion

you know there is modern ideas that can

be found in classical bonds

it’s up to each of us to go in and

explore

to me this is a very interesting piece

it speaks of so much

you know in this in its historical

context i think that it’s a very bold

choice

of character she speaks her mind she

isn’t afraid of

others opinions and is proud of the love

that she’s managed to get for herself

but look enough about her why do i see

this is such an important piece in my

dance journey for me it has so many of

my experiences

what if what if i had listened to the

words of other people

what if i’d worried about what you

thought of this talk

what if what if i’d worry about what

other people thought about me

and what i do and who i love

what if my parents had listened to

others and put me in soccer

instead of letting me follow my passions

i know so many boys who want to learn

dance but were not necessarily allowed

or corralled into learning different

arts or sports or other

manly things by parents who didn’t want

them to turn out a

particular way still not sure which way

that is but

anyway i’m sure it’s fabulous

there’s nothing wrong with the life of

dance

and i’m so lucky to be on this journey

in so many ways it helps me to strip

myself of an identity

i don’t think that dance makes you girly

or effeminate and if it does

so what that’s your inner truth coming

out and that inner truth in a world

that’s full of lies

a world with no empathy a world full of

misinformation is the most

beautiful and honest thing you can share

and we need more of that today

this piece can be it’s such a positive

message of believing in oneself

it reminds me of a famous quote of

rupaul if they ain’t paying your bills

pay them no mind now i have 1 000

believe that this character would have

said something like this and looked

absolutely

fierce in her sari while she was saying

it it speaks of pride

that love is love and as the beatles

said all we need is love

on september 8 2018 when section 377 was

amended here in india

i remember hearing this problem in my

head and this

like the second i heard the news and

though there are many many things that

we need to do moving forward

what a major step was for the queer

community here in india

there was though there is continued

prejudice and i by no means think that

the fight is over

it was a small step in saying

why should i why should we be afraid

it is this intent that informs my choice

to perform a piece like this

that doesn’t mean to get this across i

need to come out wearing a rainbow flag

costume and look quite honestly if

i did so what but it makes the piece i

believe

it makes it my own i can form the hands

as i’ve been taught by my teacher stream

of the brevard vessel

but it’s when i use my intent to make

the piece speak my own truth

that it starts to have or at least i

hope to have

more resonance and as for me and both

the audience

self-acceptance is such an intrinsic

part of my dance journey

i found that knowing my truth allows me

to live the truth of others through

dance

i believe it’s so important to

understand yourself to take

to take on these characters to give them

life by forgetting yourself

and living in their shoes oh well i

guess in this case it’s anklets you know

whatever

it’s so important that we learn to love

ourselves because if you can’t love

yourself

how the hell are you going to love

somebody else and yes that is another

quote from rupaul’s drag race

i think when we leave the rules at home

and explore without

walls and boundaries that’s when we

begin to understand the possibilities

within a form

down to me is so much more than than

even this talk

this is a small sample of the world of

indian classical advanced forms

there is so much thought that is going

into creating dance

there is so much waiting in books to be

discovered

there is so much happening performances

waiting for an audience to give dance

enough to go

dance dance to me is not for the elite

it’s for everyone

dance should be for everyone there are

the echoes of

everyone’s stories that can be found in

dance if you open yourself to the

experience

that the arts have the idea

of dance as i understand is to go beyond

body and gender and for the dancer to

bring the audience along with them

while looking at universal truths now

look i know this all sounds a bit cliche

but

it’s honestly true for me my dance has

really

forced me to look at myself and discover

who i am and accept my faults and flaws

and to then leave them in the door or in

the wings

so i can i can try to enter into the

spirit of someone unknown

because why would i be afraid to just be

myself

thank you so much for listening