Can we actually find peace before we die

[Music]

have you ever had

moments in your life of mindlessly

slogging along

just trying to get things done i have

when i used to be an insurance lawyer in

vancouver canada

just trying to pay off my student loans

after seven years of university and two

degrees

my job was to come up with a number

a so-called fair compensation for people

who died

in unexpected situations like car

accidents or during a surgery

i disconnected from my heart

instead of feeling sadness or empathy

for these human beings and their

families

i chose to look at them as a file or

case number

a monetary sum to be substantiated with

case law and evidence while my vital

signs were all normal

i felt more and more dead inside

this is my story my case for death

and why i now believe that cultivating a

meaningful relationship with death is

the key

to truly living life

my transformation started in 2010

i was standing in a long line waiting

for

coffee contemplating yet another stack

of files of dead people

when a sweet little voice inside of me

says

you need to wake up well duh i thought

no not from caffeine you need something

way bigger to shake up your life

i chuckled inside my head

sweet little voice you can tell me to

shake on my life or whatever you want

after you’ve paid off all of my student

loans until then

goodbye at that moment

something almost fairytale-like happened

this purple flyer caught my attention

it’s got a photo of a woman who looks

ridiculously happy from what

from running i read

run a marathon and fun ways to fight

leukemia

i was oddly intrigued and thought

well i don’t run at all but

maybe this is what i need to shake up my

life

so for the next three months i became a

part of a marathon team

to create awareness raise money

and fight for life my team and i

we met up on weekends and evenings to

fundraise and run together my teammates

became my friends

they had all either survived cancer or

they had lost somebody close to them

because of it cindy

she lost both of her parents to cancer

on the

exact same date one year apart

and there’s tony he was fighting cancer

going to chemotherapy in between our

meetings

i noticed the more i opened my heart to

my friend’s experiences and emotions

the more and more i felt alive

inside during one of our team meetings i

met the bravest boy i’ve ever come to

know

jason jason came into the meeting to

share his story with us wearing baseball

gear from head to toe

he was citing stats for home runs eras

rbis whatever these things are

it was his excitement that truly

inspired me

here was this boy who was only five

years old

he knew he had leukemia and could be

facing death

at any moment but he exuded so much love

and

passion for baseball and for life as if

there was

nothing that could stop him from living

to his fullest

only two weeks after that meeting i

heard jason had passed away

it truly hit me death wasn’t something

that

happened to other people or on paper

if it could happen to jason it could to

me

or to anyone at any time

jason’s death transformed the way i

looked at time

how it’s not guaranteed it is a gift

what was i doing with my gift i knew i

could not go back to the office and

sum up another life with a fair

compensation

i needed to live with as much love and

passion as jason did

so i decided to move to a place where i

felt

most alive well

driving to hawaii proved to be difficult

so

as a part of my new life i gave up gave

up on a few things

first i gave up my car for a bicycle

then i gave up my partnership track

which was a chance to become a partner

at the law firm

my mother still thinks that’s crazy to

this day

anyway i shifted gears

entirely

and after moving i decided to practice

law

differently

today i have my own law firm and i

practice estate planning

i help my clients navigate the archaic

set of laws that apply to

the distribution of possessions after

your death

i encourage my clients to create more

meaning with what they have now

rather than accumulating more to pass on

to their kids after they die

i’m happy i gave up on billable hours

instead

charging by set fees better aligns with

my newfound awareness that

time is a gift it cannot be defined

nor should it be exchanged for dollars

by minutes

i see every day how my work gives

clients a peace of mind

that their possessions would pass on

without disputes

to their loved ones but

as i would eventually find out from my

father’s death

an estate plan is only a small part of

what is needed

to be truly at peace with death

three years into my new life in hawaii i

got a call

out of the blue from my father’s wife

my father was dying from lung cancer

i flew into vancouver situated

myself around the hospital bed with my

father’s wife

and my half-sister both of whom i’ve

never spent any time with

my brother was there and so was my

grandmother

my father’s devastated mom

it was sad and the relationship

dynamics in that room felt awkward we

didn’t know what to say

we joked around a bit and made casual

conversations

but really we didn’t know how to say

goodbye

we weren’t brought up to talk about

feelings let alone

death and at the moment when a family

member is dying

in his final moments my father turned to

my brother and i

and said please forgive me

for breaking up our family

after he died my brother says

julie dad asked for forgiveness for the

wrong thing

he should have asked us to forgive him

for not spending any time with us

time we always think we have more of it

but in the end time has us

in the face of death we’re humbled we’re

forced back to the core of our essence

and we see that the only thing that

connected us to life

is the time that we were given

but if we continue to separate ourselves

from looking at

our moment of death through legal

documents

tax planning funeral planning life

insurance medical insurance

we continue to treat death as if it’s a

condition that’s totally foreign to us

we can go out pay somebody to try and

alleviate those

effects better yet cure it all together

we deny it we bargain with it we

hide from it what if we had the courage

to look at the moment of our own death

with

curiosity stephen levine wrote

death is a part of life when we fear

dying

we fear living having consciously

accepted my own death was one thing

but witnessing my father’s death through

our struggles to

say what mattered to each of us showed

me

how little as a society we were brought

up to make peace with our own death

i decided i needed to reframe the way i

look at death

and explore how it affects the way i

live now

i also ask myself how may i provide more

peace to

others in facing their own eventual

moment

of death

have you heard of a death doula

in very general terms a death doula is a

non-medical person

who provides emotional and spiritual

support to the dying

it intrigues many as a type of work

although it’s not necessarily a

designated vocational path

i took this training to expand my

capacity

to offer peace to somebody who knows

they’re about to die

this training did not teach me anything

technical

but it connected us to something we

already have within

that is our ability to be fully present

to somebody who’s dying

with an open heart and just fully

listen without any judgments

i believe that’s an important life skill

to have wouldn’t you agree

are modern stories about death taught me

that it is bad ugly and scary

we are to feel sad guilty and sorry for

somebody who’s dying

because it is a lost or a failure

but why do we actually notice what

happens after

death i questioned these modern stories

on death

and i realized how one-sided egocentric

the narrative is

about what is a very natural and could

be

beautiful and sacred process of death

aside from a medical science perspective

i believe it’s time for us to

acknowledge how

little we actually know about the

subject

i also got certified in practicing past

life regressions

through this perspective death may not

be the end

maybe more of a transition into other

lifetimes

this perspective allows me to comfort

those who are facing grief

or death knowing that their connections

with loved ones may continue to live on

whatever we tell ourselves right now

about death

will dictate how we spend our time

and in the end how we spend our time

determines

our quality of life

in the end how we spend our time

determines

our quality of life

we tell ourselves time is money

a long life is a good life a short life

is a tragedy

and a potential lawsuit having more

doing more being more looking better

these are all things that mark a quality

life

are the ultimate lie of all my value in

life

is determined by others

whenever we feel like we need more to

prove something

death reminds us at the end it’s not

about quantity

it’s about quality based on how we chose

to spend our time

if we are too afraid to look at death

because of our fear

we miss the opportunity altogether to

ask

key questions about what truly matters

in life

am i living fully within this moment of

time

or am i living the stories that keep me

in the place of fear

looking back i see how my fears kept me

separated from other human beings

so i wouldn’t have to justify the fact

that my work devalued human lives

i separated myself from my heart so i

wouldn’t have to process the difficult

emotions

i separated life from death so i

wouldn’t have to confront the reality

that my time here is finite

the stories that keep us in fear also

prevent us from embracing the natural

full spectrum of a human life and the

stories that kept

me feeling very dead inside

now no matter how much time my clients

spend in

saving for and planning out their

material legacy

after they pass away i noticed that

their children don’t remember them for

the possessions they’ve left behind what

they would always remember

are the unique moments that shape the

way they live

creating them into the person they

became

my father in his twenties with two

thousand dollars in his pockets

and less than twenty words in his

english vocabulary

convinced my mother to move with my

brother and i from hong kong

to middle of nowhere canada what we

would say is

in cantonese to start a new life

guess he wasn’t too afraid of living

fully back then

living in a new country with a new

culture

and a new climate system takes courage

and optimism these are traits that

created the person that i

am and were gifts from my father

that outweigh any amount of wealth

yet i miss my moment to thank him

and to say i forgive him and love him

in spite of the human frailties that we

all carry

although we’re not allotted with the

same amount of time here on earth

i’ve decided that death is fair because

it doesn’t discriminate

when it’s at your doorstep you can’t

negotiate with it or

beg it to go away no matter how much

money you have

that is how it reminds us to choose

wisely

and invest our time in the things that

are immortal

for me those things are unconditional

love

compassion forgiveness generosity

kindness inner wisdom and our

consciousness

for these are the essences of our being

that shapes the world around us and they

form

our real lasting legacies not something

we

write on a piece of paper

i’ve cultivated a meaningful

relationship with death

and it will continue to evolve as i

find more ways to create more peace with

it

and meaning ask yourself

what makes you alive inside

cultivate a meaningful relationship with

death

and invest your time in defining

yourself

with your immortal essences

now listen to your sweet inner voice

and look for the purple flyer in your

life

for your heart to follow i thank you for

your precious gift

of time

[Applause]